I stand in a valley watching it
And you are not there at all
(A Burning Hill - Mitski)
Hey DC let me write a Batman comic I’ll bet I can make one just like how you want watch:
Bruce Wayne wakes up one night, ready to fight crime. He goes down to the Batcave and lifts weights for a few hours, repeating the mantra “I am Justice. I am the night.” His muscles are bulging because he’s so ripped. He eats a raw steak for dinner.
Tim Drake, 17, comes in. He’s Very Smart. He does computer stuff. Bruce watches, still chewing on his raw steak. Tim mentions how rich Bruce is. Bruce confirms that yes, he is very rich.
Dick Grayson enters next. Bruce slaps him. Dick Grayson leaves.
Bruce orders Alfred around like a servant. No one questions this.
Tim pulls up a webpage. It’s Joker! Joker is currently holding a bank hostage. Bruce clenches his fist.
Barbara Gordon enters. She is not in a wheelchair; she is walking now. It is not explained how this happened. She giggles and pulls her suit down so her breasts are almost completely exposed. She stretches, doing the splits and downward dog pose while also talking about how rich and smart Bruce is. She leaves.
Batman gets in the Batmobile and tears out of the cave. He drives recklessly. His car is very long and shiny and it goes vroom vroom.
Batman pulls up to the bank. Jason Todd is also there. Jason looks like he’s 53 years old. Bruce insults him immediately, calling him childish and impulsive. Jason beats someone with a crowbar because he’s angry.
Joker laughs. He brags about doing something horrifying. He’s very edgy. Batman punches him a lot but doesn’t realize there’s a bomb!
Batman gets blown up and dies. Readers will never expect me to kill off a main character so this will be very shocking and groundbreaking. Two-thirds of the readers will stop reading at this point. That’s crucial.
There is a funeral. The coffin is lowered. The family is all there, except Cass and Duke. Don’t think too hard about why that may be the case. Stephanie is standing in the background, a little blonde blob.
Damian is there. He looks like a miniature Bruce. He says something like “I will avenge you,” then disappears for a dozen issues.
Only Barbara is crying. No one else cries, especially not the male characters. No one will mourn for more than three pages. Dick Grayson clenches his fist.
“I am Batman now,” says Dick.
“Okay,” everyone says.
Important: It is never mentioned that Cass would be a logical choice.
The rest of my DC -approved Batman run will feature the following:
-Tim goes to his cousin’s Bar Mitzvah. Whoops, I accidentally made him Jewish. I will ignore this and have him celebrate Christmas in a later issue.
-Someone throws a rock at Dick Grayson and he dies immediately.
-Bruce comes back to life in the second to last issue. It does not matter how. Maybe someone chucks him into a Lazarus Pit.
At the end I will have about 50 readers. DC will look on approvingly and give me a contract for thirty more issues.
Jason: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, its “intelligent” and “really cool”.
Jason: But when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to let it go”.
I've been meaning to properly read the batman comics but idk how or where to start,,, pls help?
I actually started reading batman by literally searching up "batman comic reading order" ... huge mistake. unless you want to read the comics in order. that's up to you but for me, there were just too many comics and some of them, I had no interest in but I had to "push through them" to read the comic that I actually did want to read.
tip one: search up "(character) recommended reading" and not "(character) reading order" - this one works for any character, that's why I wrote "character"
tip two: read batman: year one. I'm not necessarily into telling people what to read, because sometimes they might not like it or it's not their style, but this comic is basically his origin story in four short issues, which I personally found were an amazing start to delving into his character
tip three: I feel like everyone says this, but just pick one up. just pick one and start reading. more often than not, you won't need to have prerequisite knowledge to understand that comic, but if you do, you can always go back to the comic that the comic is leading off from
tip four: have some knowledge about the rest of the batfam. you don't need to know their backstories or anything major, just know who they are. like alfred is bruce's butler/father figure, (dick, jason, tim, cass, damian) are all his children and vigilantes (nightwing, red hood, red robin...etc)
tip five: have fun :))
some websites that personally helped me when I started <33
these websites aren't the best, obviously, but they are a great bridge (I guess) into batman's character.