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#alfred pennyworth

𝓐𝓵𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓭 𝓟𝓮𝓷𝓷𝔂𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓱 / 𝓙𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓷 𝓒𝓻𝓪𝓷𝓮, 𝓯𝓸𝓻 : @crackbananigans

They All Laughed // Tony Bennett

You Want It Darker // Leonard Cohen

Book Smart // Air Traffic Controller

Closing Time // Lenard Cohen

Under The Table // Fiona Apple

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Why I love Alfred Pennyworth.

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Damian: Jason, can I interview you for a school project?

Jason: Sure

Damian: Alright, first question, “What has been your biggest support in life?”

Jason: Well. My arms have always been by my side

Bruce: Jason no

Jason: I can always count on my fingers

Alfred: Please stop

Jason: But my legs have always supported me

Dick: Don’t forget your hips for not lying

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Just How? by  Lady_of_Lorule

G - 18k

Summary: A magic artifact de-age Dick, Jason, and Tim all down to thirteen years old, with no memories of being older, and now Bruce has four Robins to deal with.

Reader’s Comments: This story is hilarious because all of the Robins are the same age, which means Bruce is going to get So Many More grey hairs. It is adorable and has so much fluff with just a dash of angst, and an overall perfect story. I also loved the way that you got to see the way they compare to one another at the same age and how they have change and grown over time. 

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MLB X DC Prompt: If you asked Bruce, he would tell you it wasn’t his fault. His sons however would beg to differ. Who knew adopting Black haired, blue eyed kids was a disease that could be passed on?

Alfred didn’t know what made him adopt the French orphan he and the Wayne’s stumbled upon on a trip to Paris. The popular option was that he picked up on Master Bruce’s tendency to adopt sidekicks, but Alfred personally thought it was her big blue eyes, and too forced smile that silently begged someone, anyone to understand.

Marinette was young when she lost her parents. She doesn’t remember much of her parents, just that they liked baking, and they always encouraged her to be happy, so she tried. She tried so hard to be happy. At age 13, going on 14, shes given up hope on leaving the system. It doesn’t bother her too much, after all shes a hero and the Guardian now, she doesn’t have the time to dwell on it. But then, who’s this old man the orphanage worker has brought her to?

AKA Marinette is an orphan that meets the Wayne’s when they go to paris for business reasons and Alfred adopts her because Bruce is contagious. Also if Alfred hadn’t adopted her, Bruce would have, let’s be honest.

Tag or Link me if you do this. I have no self control.

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Bruce: So, at the request of Alfred, we will be adding a swear jar!

Tim: What the shit?

Jason: Why are we fucking doing this?

Stephanie: Yeah, we don’t have a fucking swearing problem!

Bruce: Stop! We get it! But, here are the rules, each person has to pay with their own money, when the jar fills up, then we can go on a vacation!

Harper: Okay! Fuck! Shit! Motherfucker! Ass! Bitch! Jackass!

Selina: Wrong incentive babe!

Bruce: Yeah I had this coming!


Dick: Okay, I want to start off today….

Damian: *jumps on Dick’s back* SNEAK ATTACK!!!!!!

Dick: *falls forward* AAAAHHHHH!!!! *gets up* Damian, sit in time out!

Damian: Don’t tell me what to do!!!

Dick: Go! Now!

Damian: Fine!

Dick: Anyway, I’d like to talk about the Tuesday incident.

Tim: Yeah, it went great right!

Jason: Ummm…. Let’s check the body cams.

Signal: Okay so Red Robin, take the two on the right, Spoiler, take the two in the center, I’ll take the three on the left!

Red Robin and Spoiler: *making out*

Signal: *turns around* Did you guys hear what I said?

Red Robin and Spoiler: *still making out*


Thug: OVER THERE!!! *points in their direction and starts firing*

Red Robin: *pulls his mask up* Improvise!!!

Stephanie: I don’t see a problem.

Tim: Neither do I!

Dick: You guys were making out when you should have been taking out the thugs! Duke was the only one on task until you guys pissed him off.

Duke: Could I permanently work with someone else?

Dick: We’ll talk about that later.


Orphan: RED ROBIN!

Red Hood: Yum!

Red Robin: What the fuck Red Hood?

Blue Bird: Jar, Red Robin!

Red Hood: Oh, so Spoiler could say it but I can’t!

Red Robin: Yes!

Orphan: RED ROBIN!!!!

Red Robin: On my way!!!!


Barbara: HAHAHA! You guys started a swear jar?

Stephanie: Yep!

Barbara: So who’s been the biggest contributor?

Stephanie: Take a guess.

Jason: *from the other room* Well eat shit you sad little fuck!

Barbara: Jason.

Stephanie: No, Bruce!


Damian: Dynamite is actually a pretty good song.

Stephanie: Then in that case….

Damian: Brown, let me stop you right there. It took me a while to listen to one of there songs. What makes you think I would actually listen to more. It’s a nice song, just leave it at that.

Jason: *walks by humming Fire*

Damian: How did you do that? STAY AWAY!!!!!!


Dick: So there is thirteen through nineteen with the word teen in it. So why isn’t eleven pronounced firteen or oneteen, and twelve twoteen or seconteen?

Duke: And that is why you don’t do drugs kids.

Damian: Grayson, quarantine has officially broke your brain.

Dick: No, seriously think about it. One to twelve, totally original numbers, then they start getting lazy adding teen at the end of four, five, and so on until twenty. Then they just add the number after that. And after twenty-nine they get even lazier and take one number, add t-y at the end of it, then add another number until one hundred. It is just so lazy.

Stephanie: Are you sure you’re not high? 

Dick: No, I’m not!


Red Hood: *crouching like a gargoyle behind some boxes*

Batgirl: I’m on my way!

Thug: *moves a box and sees Red Hood*

Red Hood: No need. I’M GUNNA STAB YOUUUU!!!!!!!! *jumps at the thug with a knife*


4 am

Bruce: Tim, go to sleep.

Tim: I’M FONE!

Bruce: You’re obviously not, now sleep.

Tim: FUCK YOU! *starts falling asleep*

Bruce: Jar.


Duke: *dismounts off of the high bar with a layout twist*

Dick: Looking nice, Duke!

Duke: Thanks!

Dick: You ready to spar.

Duke: Hell no! *runs out the door*


Tim: *doing an Instagram live stream at the manor with Dick and Duke*

Cassandra: *offers Dick four cupcakes*

Dick: Thank you Cass! OMG you are my favorite!

Tim: But yeah, I think that if there was a reality show about us it would be surprisingly boring.

Dick: *stuffing his face with a cupcake* Tim, Cass bought a ton of cupcakes, do you want one?

Tim: I think I’ll save mine for later.

Dick: You, sure?

Tim: Yep.

Dick: Duke?

Duke: I’m good too.

Dick: *stumbles and drops the trey* Nooooo! The cupcakes!

Duke: I remember, right when Bruce adopted me, we spent a day in the park. We were sitting, eating, and then there was Dick from across the park just running with a kite, and shouting and throwing things at us, and Tim stood up and yelled “You’re a child!” And I sat there thinking “What have I gotten into?”


Bruce: Okay, it has been a week and we had to get a second jar, so we’re just going to cancel the swear jar. Partially because you all ran out of money to put in the jar. Also a bit because I’m tired of filling it up myself.

Jason: So, can I have my money back.

Bruce: No.

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Alfred - Master Bruce, we have a guest

Bruce - Can it wait Alfred–

Shiva, sharply - Hello Bruce, long time, no see

Bruce, defensively - Shiva! Whatever it is you’re doing here-

Cass, excited - Mom!

Shiva, beaming - Happy birthday darling!

Shiva, holding Cass - I got you some presents AND there’s people here to see you

Richard & Ben, arms full of presents - HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASS!!

Cass - Uncle Ben! Uncle Richard!

Bruce - A-Alfred? Did I miss some message?

Alfred - About seven sir, they were coming regardless of your answer

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Photo taken after Cassandra Cain-Wayne‘s Adoption Hearing ✨🦇

aka after Bruce brought the papers to court and legally adopted her after the end of Batgirl v2 :)

(Before anyone ask where the others are: Damian hadn’t properly joined the family at this point, Jason is still dead (ha), Steph chose not to join bc she and the family has a complicated relationship. And Babs is the closest thing to a mother Cass had<3)

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Yo, here’s a thing a wrote a while back and decided today was the day to post it. Anyway, I totally ignored canon for this but when do I not? Enjoy!


Tim groaned as he lay in bed. This was the worst. Being on bed rest with a broken leg? Bad. But your (adoptive) father calling your (adoptive) brother, who, by the way, only just got over not trying to murder you to come by and look after you while he goes off on a trip? Worse. That was worse. 

Keep reading

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“Every friend group should include

A bimbo


A mean bisexual


An even meaner lesbian


She/theys and he/theys


A token straight who’s on thin ice


An astrology bitch who has everyone’s birth chart memorized


And a short king”

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“Master Bruce,” Alfred began, with a look of disdain on his face.

“With all due respect, what the actual fuck.”

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Hey Dick, what are you eating?
A family sized bag of crisps
Master Dick, that’s a regular bag of crisps
Everything is family sized when you’re an orphan
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