Jason: I’ve only said "I love you" to three people: my mom, my dad, and my dying brother. And one of those I regret.

Roy: Which one?

Jason: My brother. He survived the bullet so now I look like an idiot.

Jason when he notices Tim’s mental health is dipping a little too low:

The Waynes Carve Pumpkins Pt 2.

Dick, putting newspaper and pumpkins on the table: Okay, now that we’ve learned the dangers of paint brushes we can move on to actually carving pumpkins!

Dick starts laying out carving knives.

Bruce: This is a bad idea.

Dick glaring at Bruce: We are all trained vigilante’s B, it’ll be fine. Now let’s get started!

Everyone sits down in front of a pumpkin, they stare at their pumpkins.

Dick: So, uh, let’s start carving?

Damian: How do we begin?

Jason, rolling his eyes: It’s easy, we just… uh, um, we… What do we do Dickface?

Dick: Um, I, I don’t know? Tim?

Tim, looking shocked: Why are you asking me?! Ask Steph she had parents!

Steph: My mom was always busy at the hospital and my dad was a villain, we didn’t really carve pumpkins? And Tim, you had parents! You should know!

Tim: My parents were horribly neglectful, we didn’t carve pumpkins. Dick? You had loving parents.

Dick: We traveled a lot and didn’t really have a great place to keep a carved pumpkin. Actually, we, uh, we painted ours…

Bruce: I thought you said painting was pumpkins was lame?!

Dick: It’s lame that you don’t trust you children with knives. Now shush, and teach us how to carve pumpkins.

Bruce: I didn’t carve pumpkins as a child.

Dick: …of course you didn’t. Does anyone know how to carve a pumpkin?

Jason: Abusive dad, addict mom, then homeless.

Damian: I was raised by assassins.

Cass, signing: *no childhood, also raised by assassins*

Tim: What about Babs, or Duke? They both had good childhoods. Well Babs had a good childhood and Duke had a decent childhood, until the whole parents driven insane thing.

Dick: Good idea Tim! Babs?

Babs: I am not teaching you guys to carve pumpkins. Also I don’t like touching the inside part. It’s slimy.

Dick, shrugs: Fine, Duke? Wait, where’s Duke?

Bruce: Spending the day with his uncle. We shouldn’t interrupt their bonding for something as menial as pumpkin carving, we…

Bruce looks at his disappointed kids, and sighs.

Bruce: I’ll text him.

<- Part 1 |

Batfam as strange convos had on my discord server

Jason: Give me the bodies!

Tim: You mean from the Cave?

Jason: Where else would you put a body?

Steph: You could eat it

Jason: ...

Jason: Fair point, but yes, I am talking about the bodies in the Cave

Dick: Why do you need bodies?

Jason: *shrug*

Jason: To be fair, I only need body parts

Dick: ...

Dick: Why do you need body parts?

Jason:

Dick: WHY DO YOU NEED BODY PARTS JASON?

--

Duke: What, do you just assume everyone here has self-esteem issues?

*at the same time*

Dick: Yes!

Bruce: No.

Dick: No? I mean no!

Dick: I thought we were

--

Jason: Wannabe tall person

Tim: I'll steal your kneecaps on my way to hell

Steph: *dies*

--

Dick: BABY SHARK

Steph: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO

Tim: BABY SHARK

Jason: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO

Cass: BABY SHARK

Duke: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO

Damian: ...

Damian: I will not

Bruce: This is why you're my favourite

--

*by texts*

Dick: Sure, Jaskn! No problem!

Dick: *Jason

Jason: JASKN??????

Jason: Ô the betrayal! Ô the pain caused by a brother who does not know my name. Ô the infamy! How could you, brother? I thought you loved me, but how could I still believe that after what you've done, brother? I lay here to die, alone in this world, abandoned, if ever approached, by my peers.

Dick: -_-

Dick: It was a typo! Im sorry!

Jason: *i do not see it*

--

*blank during a conversation*

Steph: Nipples

Tim: sigh

Jason: Seriously?

Dick: what the- every time!

Steph: At least we're talking again

--

*asked about how he did something*

Tim: I have depression

Steph: Mood

Jason: Me too

Tim: Well, then, I don't know

Bruce: Should I be concerned? Nevermind it's too late for that

--

Tim: My cucumber is dry :(

Bruce: I'm sorry what?

Steph: Good bye Tim.

Dick: What the fuck

Jason: Oh no, Tim. I understand your pain.

Dick: What the fuck. Explain.

Tim: I had to leave it for a mission, so i put it in the fridge. But it's dry now :(

--

Tim: How do you feel about beating up children?

Steph: Obviously it's hilarious. Watching them snivelling and begging you to stop it's exhilarating, and when they start crying it's always so funny, how could you resist?

Steph: I'm joking

Steph: Don't tell anyone I said that

Tim: Too late

Tim: It's been recorded and sent to the family groupchat

--

Jason and Bruce: *having a serious conversation*

Tim: Ooooo there's a cute guy!

Jason and Bruce:

Tim: Oops

Tim: Sorry

Bruce: It's...ok

Jason: Go, be attracted!

Clark: I thought I told you not to follow me, Batman.

Bruce: Yes, well, I took a lesson from my children and decided not to follow orders.

Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian: Hey!

Tim: Dick, we have good news!

Jason: We don’t have to go the gala.

Dick: Bruce agreed to let us out of it?

Duke: Well, not exactly.

Dick: What did you do?

Steph: Well…

Dick: Where’s Bruce?

Damian: Tied up in the closet.

Dick: You kidnapped Bruce Wayne? That’s illegal!

Tim: But Dick, what’s more illegal? Briefly inconveniencing Bruce, or forcing us to all suffer through another gala?

Dick: Kidnapping Bruce, Tim!

Jason: Dickface listen, whatever I may think about you right now, these guys are counting on you to inspire them.

Dick: What to kidnap people?

Duke: To work together.

Dick: To kidnap people?!

Steph: Dick, we all agreed that a celebrity is not a people.

Koriand'r: Who is the most fearless person you know?

Dick: Tim.

Jason: *offended* What the hell?? Why him?

Dick: I once saw him pop Xanax pills and down it with coffee that had like six shots of espresso and three shots of Red Bull.

Koriand'r:

Jason: And has it actually been him you’ve been talking to? It’s not like his ghost or anything?

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

*in the middle of battle, they’re all possibly about to die

Jason: Well I suppose now is the time for me to say something profound.

Dick: …

Damian: …

Tim: …

Duke: …

Cass: …

Steph: …

Bruce: …

Jason: …nothing comes to mind. Let’s do it.

Duke trying his best to flirt with tips from Dick: Have you ever been arrested? Because the way you just took my breath away could get you tried for attempted murder.

Queue the batfam cracking up over comms

Bruce : Cassandra. Is there any way, that this pregnancy test is yours?

Cass : how many times do you want me to come out?

Babs: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture. Assorted Batfam: Awwww- Babs: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything." Assorted Batfam: Oh.

Damian, whose first language isn’t English: Hello! I’m sorry if my English isn’t very good.

Tim, Stephanie, and Duke, whose first language is English: Hte fuckign.

World’s most beautiful and powerful word

That Lover boy(Dick): Love

That *Screw them all guy* (Jason): Fuck

That depressed Satan admirer(Tim): Hell

That animal lover, save humans(Damian): Kill

The Waynes Carve Pumpkins

Bruce, passing out paint brushes: Okay, everyone take a brush and get some paint.

Dick raises an eyebrow: Seriously, B? You said we would be carving pumpkins!

Bruce: It’s the same basic premise, but this version is less likely to result in a stabbing.

Damian: Tt. You have such little faith in us father we would never-

Tim: WHAT THE FUCK STEPH???

Dick, Bruce, and Damian turn to see Tim bleeding and glaring at Steph.

Steph: Sorry!! I didn’t mean to!

Bruce: What happened?!

Steph holds up a bloody paint brush and smiles sheepishly: Maybe we should just finger paint the pumpkins?

| Part 2 ->

My general Batfam rules I follow when it comes to my AO3 (unless I specify otherwise I’m the story)

So since I’m getting back into writing fanfics more regularly, I thought I’d go ahead and post my general batfam headcanons so y’all know where my head is when you read. You guys can feel free to disagree because I know it doesn’t really follow canon but really who follows canon anymore?

Ages: Dick is 26, Jason is 22, Tim is 17, and Damian is 11

Alfred is alive and just as sassy as ever

Tim and Steph may or may not be dating, it really depends. Tim is 100% bi though

Dick lives in Bludhaven and is a police detective

Dick and Barbara are together

Barbara is in her wheelchair

Tim is CEO of WE but Bruce is still heavily involved

Tim usually lives at the manor

Tim is Red Robin, Damian is Robin, Steph is Spoiler, Cass is Orphan, Babs is Oracle

Dick is half-Romani

Damian is from Pakistan

Jason is a part of the family, but it’s still rocky between him and Bruce

Jason: Let me shoot him in the back. No one has to know.

Damian: Todd, restrain yourself. Besides, a gun would be unnecessary when a nerve strike to his neck would incapacitate him painfully without infecting any lasting harm.

Jason: Point taken.

Robin: *does a Quadruple Summer Sault*

Baby stalker Tim Drake: Richard you have girlbossed a little too close to the sun

ok but if bruce wayne somehow came upon zuko fresh out of banishment he would lose his mind.

black hair? check. bad parent(s)? check. trauma? double check.

bruce: how’d you get your scar?

zuko: my dad got mad at me for saying that killing people is wrong so he lit my face on fire and banished me.

bruce, vibrating with excitement, already pulling adoption papers from his utilility: that’s terrible. how do you feel about capes.

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

*something goes wrong on a mission

Dick: …maybe this time it wasn’t our fault?

Tim: I thought it was always our fault.

Full credit to the creator @ ThePandaRedd on TikTok for this fantastic video he created

Jason and Damian’s dynamic is hilarious