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#incorrect batfamily quotes

y/n: guys i really recommend poetry to help you get out your emotions and find a source of serenity!

tim: i wrote a poem once

y/n: let’s hear it!

tim: i like coffee,

i am a mess,

please see this poem,

as a sign of distress.

y/n: o-okay. good start! way to dig into those emotions!

jason: MY TURN! when my ass is-

y/n: NO

114 notes · See All

Red-hood:
I’m touched that you would risk your career for me. That means a lot to me.

Holi:
If you’re right, and I’m not saying you are, it would mean I broke the trust of someone I respect and admire for your sake. If it is true, I would hope in the future, you’d be a little bit more mature and responsible in your behavior.

Red-hood:
I’m grateful and all, but let’s not go crazy here.

Holi:
I should’ve let you rot in jail.

2 notes · See All
Alfred's post
Bruce: -and then I decided to cut him off by jumping down from the roof of the theatre.
Alfred: [putting a cast on Bruce's leg] And would you say that plan was a success, Master Bruce?
Alfred: [clears his throat]
Steph and Cass: [looks up from the bowl of brownie batter they were indulging in. The kitchen looks like a bakery exploded. Chocolate and cocoa covers every surface]
Alfred:
Steph:
Cass:
Alfred: Baking, are we?
Cass: [nods]
Alfred: Perhaps consider store-bought next time, Miss Cain.
Alfred: Miss Brown, did I not ban you from this kitchen three months ago?
Dick: [his head in his hands] Damian is going to give me gray hairs. You have no idea how stressed I am about this.
Alfred: [sips his tea] Yes, the plights of parenting eludes me entirely on account of my inexperience in the area.
Damian: If I cannot get a parrot I will PERISH
Alfred: Oh my, that would be quite the extraordinary occurence. I believe the life of a human child being entirely dependent on their vicinity to a specific bird species is unprecedented.
Damian: [furious] Do not be purposefully obtuse Pennyworth-
Alfred: Hold on, Master Damian, I am phoning the Physics Department at Stanford to inform them of this remarkable event.
Jason: I'm so F- I mean DARN angry with B!
Jason: [rants about Bruce]
Dick: [just arrived] What's going on?
Alfred: Master Jason appears to be upset with Master Bruce.
Alfred: We are all astonished by this turn of events.
Alfred: Master Timothy.
Tim: [hiding beneath his desk] ...no?
Alfred:
Alfred: Very well then. Sir, if you were to encounter young Master Timothy, please tell him that I am looking for him.
Tim: ok I will
Alfred: Excellent. Would you like some biscuits, sir?
Tim: yeah
Alfred: I'll bring you some coffee as well, shall I sir?
Tim: yes please
Alfred: Grand. Now, you sound like the kind of man who enjoys a cup of decaffeinated coffee.
Tim: ....wait-
Alfred: [walking away] Yes, a "decaf" man if ever I saw one.
Bruce: It's been quite a while since you served roast, hasn't it Alfred?
Alfred: Really? I feel like I do little else, Master Bruce.
Alfred: Good luck with your speech today, sir. The children are scheduled to attend, correct? Shall I pack some pillows for them?
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bruce: dick what the hell is going on with tim and damian?

dick: theyre finally getting along :D

bruce: THEYRE MOVING OUT BECAUSE YOU KEEP TRYING TO CUDDLE THEM

dick: but they’re moving out TOGETHER

damian: come along drake we will not be forced to exist in this environment

tim: couldn’t agree more demon- buddy.

238 notes · See All
Jason: I don’t know how to tell you all this, so I’m just going to whisper it into Dick's ear, causing him to shout it out in astonishment.
Jason: *whispers to Dick*
Dick: YOU’RE DATING ROY?!
663 notes · See All

Bruce berating Jason for doing something reckless after a huge Arkham breakout: That was so irresponsible you of! You could have-

Jason, bored and trying to get him off topic: Dick didn’t report an injury

Bruce: I already checked Dick over and he is fine. As I was saying that was so irresponsible you of! You could have-

Jason: Tim is attempting to hide an injury

Bruce, whipping around in concern to see Tim getting looked over by Alfred: As I was saying that was so irresponsible you of! You could have-

Jason: Duke is trying to hide an injury

Bruce: Ok that is enough! This is a serious topic and you need to listen! What you did out there was reckless and you could have gotten yourself hurt. And don’t drag Duke into this he would never do something like that!

Duke creeping up the stairs behind bruce, holding his side and a roll of gauze: *sweats nervously*

120 notes · See All

dick: DAMIAN GET DOWN HERE

damian: grayson whatever you think i did it was todd

dick: yeah? so you didn’t ask zatanna for a spell to turn jason into a donkey?

damian: no i did not, i asked her to turn him into his truest form

jason: you jackass

damian: exactly

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Alfred: Master Bruce and Master Timothy keep asking me the names of basic household items so now I just give them rapper names.
Tim, in the distance: I think the Quavo is broken!
Bruce: Use the Fetty Wap, son!
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Bruce: Sticks and stones may break your bones
Dick, age 8: But words will never hurt me?
Bruce: [frowning] no. Sticks and stones may break your bones, so you should avoid getting hit in a fight.
Dick, age 8:
Bruce: And words can absolutely hurt- [keeps monologuing about the dangers of speech]
Dick, age 8, who just wanted help with some mean kids at school: [whispers] what is WRONG with you?
Bruce: I'm Batman.
Dick: OOOOOOooooooooooh okay yeah that makes sense
566 notes · See All

Things Tim Drake Isn’t Allowed To Say Anymore

- say sike rn

- i mean go off but like-

- it’s decaf i SWEAR

- yk i could buy an assassin to kill you if i really wanted to? clean hands bitch

- fuck it i’m moving in with conner

- can you pass me the coffee pot? (at dinner)

- imagine thinking bruce was actually dead. like rip to you but i’m different

- highest iq gets to go first move bitches

- guysss stop making fun of my superhero name!!!

- be nice to me or i’ll become a kent

- you wanna hear what i googled at 2am last night?

- ITS ONLY A SPLEEN ILL BE FINE

- yeah i’m totallyyyyy going to bed now

- k but did Ras call you detective? i didn’t think so bitch

- PLEASE someone watch haikyuu with me

- i’ll turn off the LEDs in my room the day i DIE

- can i pleaseeeee bring conner (and bart and cassie)

- give me one good reason why i shouldn’t dye my hair

- depression times anxiety equals happiness it’s like multiplying two negatives!

- why can’t i listen to 100 gecs in the batcave???

- i call dibs on being batman next

- the best robin has arrived

- gn! (at 9am on a tuesday)

425 notes · See All
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