#I expect this to be untoticed and very few people to see it

[jiyu-koya]

Let's be honest at 3am - Update on art block.

Hey, it's been a long time since you've heard of me, and honesty is important to any relationship so hear me out. It's 3 am, I'm tired, let's go.

Art block doesn't even begin to describe what I'm going through these past couple of years. Idk what's wrong with me but I've left drawing aside lately, and by lately I mean like a year, though it's mostly lack of time.

Honestly, it's a weird time for me art-wise (And life-wise as any college student ever can say). Going to an art based university, I kinda expected it'd make me learn more and fulfill my thirst for art, but what it's done instead is drain me of it and waste my time on that more than my personal projects.

And another thing I've found about myself, since we're on this topic, is that I really can't push myself to create something. If it's been ordered or I have a deadline, then I get this burden on my shoulders that affects my performance. Which I know I have to get over soon because if I want to be an artist, this is exactly a skill I should be able to have. But I feel guilty, because I have a handful request that should be easy and I really wanted to make them, and I just. Can't. Do it. I have 5 versions of sketches for each one rotting in my files, and I can't bring myself to finish them. And that goes for all my recent ideas for art.

So I'm really really sorry about those request left undone, I was even stupid enough to answer privately to some and now can't find the URL to explain the deal or even say who requested them in the first place if I ever do them. Like GRRR.

Moreover, last year I got really into D&D and also grew out a bit of my anime phase. Don't get me wrong, I still like anime and all that, but last anime I watched was Fairy Tail final series (which I didn't even finish), and while I'm still a fan, I don't get as inspired by it as much as I did. I have one big piece of artwork on the making since summer, which for some reason can't keep me inspired enough to work on it for more than... Maybe less than an hour, or even half - as well as sooo many ideas for concept art and artworks that I've left as sketches or haven't even begun.

And coming back to D&D, it's inspired me to practice new forms of art, such as comics / graphic novel, and animation, which I started teaching myself around that time last year. In the rare instances I get the time to work on some drawing, I often find myself working on a few more draft pages of a graphic novel, or practicing animation, other times drawing D&D characters, or what I've been doing lately, painting from reference. All of which is a different, more personal work that ties in with the next topic.

Let's be honest here, I'm kind of shy. If you've noticed I very very rarely post text posts of any kind on Tumblr, and even now I'm very nervous to even post this. However, this culture of media, with the movies and series and comics and fantasy and just this whole escapism and art and animation and cartoonish aesthetic, etc, is something that I wanted to do since I was really young. I really wanna be an animator, a concept artist, a comic book artist, all that kind of stuff. And in 2019, going to 2020 in less than a month, it's possible thanks to social media. But. I'm shy. And it's not easy.

Truth is that art pieces that make it to Tumblr are my proudest ones, the best of the best, only the finished ones that look good to me, and lemme tell you, this has gotten so much more difficult as I reached "adulthood".

And for better or worse, this blog is just anime, and specifically Fairy Tail. Which I don't want to diverge from, but the constant exposure to that has burned me out. I'd like to expand my horizons on that, like I want to draw some Critical role, or Game of Thrones, or even other Fandoms and even some D&D.

But that isn't the point. It's not what I draw, it's that I don't finish my art or I don't post it.

Part of it might stem from the fact that I used to get a decent amount of notes and following, and after I took a few months off to study 3 years ago (holy shit it's been 3 years), that kind of... Disappeared. I'm sure some of you may understand that when you build up a tempo and momentum that suddenly vanishes, it becomes quite discouraging. Especially when I've been working soooo much harder on my art and taking it more seriously than when I did in high school. I obviously don't mean to fish for compliments here - I know my worth and I know it's just stupid algorithms - it's just something that happens and affects me on some level and I know most artists go through or have gone through at least once on their lives and understand where I'm coming from.

Sigh... The point of this entire long ass post is to... Be honest with you, explain it to you who will - I hope - understand. Some of you are artists and can probably see where I'm coming from. I haven't reached a decision yet, but it's something that is often on my mind and plagues my thoughts. And I know this blog is super new and I haven't given it the love it requires. I haven't even figured out its identity yet.

I found a piece of identity in drawing fanart with a twist, like metaphorical or realistic, or crossovers between universes etc. Which, while is something that I like, art block, man, it's eating me alive.

I don't know if I'll start posting anything different for the time being, but I have thoughts on posting on other platforms like ArtStation. Still, very new and alien to me, so I haven't figured it out yet. Please don't take my word for it.

Other than that, this is about it. Feel free to ask me any questions if you want and even care, sorry for the long post, I might even delete this who knows.

~Ellie

#This has been a long time coming #I expect this to be untoticed and very few people to see it #But it's something I felt like I had to address #Because my legacy has been lost a long time ago #And I realize now that I can't ignore it anymore #I hope you guys understand #I really appreciate it if you do #Jiyu-koya #Update #Long post