#I got really insecure with Yun lmao

[abakadaeda]

on a recent dream about redacted (as always)

madaling sabihing ang mga karanasan sa panaginip parehas lang sa karanasan sa buhay kapag gising. ang pinagkaiba ng panaginip sa waking life ay lahat nangyayari sa loob lang ng utak. ang panaginip ay reality na nilalaman lamang ng mga representasyon. mga talinghaga. halimbawa, kung nakita mo ang isang kaibigan mo sa panaginip, hindi talaga sila yun. representasyon lang yun ng idea mo ng taong nakita mo. in the same way, pag nanaginip akong nabubulok at natatanggal mga ngipin ko, hindi naman talaga siya nangyayari sa totoong buhay kahit na ramdam kong totoo siya. yung emotion, yung feeling, yung itsura totoo, pero representasyon lang. posibleng representasyon siya ng insecurity ko sa ngipin ko at sa takot ko na pumangit itsura ko dahil pangit ngipin ko. i know i think about my teeth more than the average person because i’m insecure about them and those thoughts and feelings about my teeth show up in my dreams a certain way. kaya kong sabihing lahat ng nakikita at naririnig ko sa loob ng panaginip nanggagaling sa akin. isip ko lang yun lahat, wala nang iba.

bawat panaginip may gustong sabihin at may pinaparating sa atin. depende na sa tao kung may makikinig siya at hahanapin niya yung kahulugan. ako personally, madali akong madala ng panaginip. madalas akong managinip at madalas kong pinag-iisipan mga napapanaginipan ko. kaya ko rin to sinusulat. medyo malakas impact sa akin ng mga panaginip, lalo na straight after waking up. may mga panaginip na nagpapasalamat akong panaginip lang at may mga panaginip na sana hindi na lang natapos.

napansin ko bumabalik-balik ako rito palagi kapag kailangan kong maglabas ng thoughts n feelings tungkol kay redacted because i find it awkward to talk about with my close friends who are also redacted‘s close friends like my anxiety tells me maybe theyll think badly of me like oh why havent i moved on or whatever lol i mean dahil minsan yun din iniisip ko for myself but i KNOW i have that’s why sometimes it’s confusing. anyway this is just to maybe make sense of what happened in my dream.

yung panaginip ko nagsimula sa kuwarto ko, ginising ako ni diwa tas kasama niya si job for some reason ahaha and i was like uy da heck bat kayo andito blah blah tas sabi nila na may paparada raw or whatever sa labas mamaya and redacted might be there so i might want to check. so lumabas ako later that evening tas may parang prusisyon of some kind ng mga tibak (at mga mas extreme na tibak if u get my drift yes i do im writing it) tas nakita ko siya sa likod ng isang pickup truck and i remembered thinking she’s so pretty! lmao and i didnt want to interrupt them or whatever gusto ko sanang lowkey lang so i just went a bit closer and hoped she’d notice me but she didnt so lumapit pa ako tas kumausap ng mga tao tas gumawa ako ng excuse para makuha attention niya somehow. humingi ako ng yosi sa ibang tibak and this one guy goes sorry pre la akong yosi eh pero ito try mo! and i was like “ano to, juul??!? ahahaha ayos!” tas nagkunwari akong immersed ako sa conversation but i was half-glancing in her direction just hoping she would look my way. she was smiling and having fun just participating in whatever was happening there tas halatang walang ibang nasa utak niya. i took a hit from the juul while looking at her smiling and laughing and my chest got a bit tight and my breath got a bit short and then i woke up feeling very confused.

but now, after thinking about it and trying to make sense of it all i kinda get what it’s trying to tell me lmao well first of all that wasn’t her, it was my idea of her. she’s going through her life her own way, and it’s fine that i’m not a huge part of it anymore.

i didnt want to get too close and i didnt want to get too excited because i was (and i am) scared that it might seem like i want to be with her that much. but why is that a bad thing? oh because it WAS a bad thing. anyway

hindi ako sure masyado kung ano role ni job at ni diwa sa simula maybe theyre some kind of bridge i dont really know.

FURTHERMORE, natakot ako konti kasi ibig sabihin ba nito may feelings pa ako lol and ive come to the conclusion that no i don have special feelings for her now, which was difficult to figure out because 1) tang inang panaginip yan, and 2) ang dami kong sinulat dito, which means im still invested in some way, right? oo, siyempre. we went through a lot so it’s only normal for me to care about her. but what the dream is telling me is that ngayon, ok na. like i said earlier, we don’t play big roles in each other’s life anymore and that’s completely fine. the fact that we didnt interact at all in the dream illustrates that-- kahit na nabigyan ako ng bitin feeling pagkagising. but i realize yun din kasi nararamdaman ko sa times nagkikita kami irl or kapag nagchachat kami online. it’s like...dito na lang aabot friendship namin haha. which is kinda sad sometimes but also all right in d long run!

now LASTLY and also to reiterate-- her in my dreams is not who she is, but my idea of her and also a representation of what i understand to be....love? but what i think my dreams that look and feel like this one are telling me is to invest myself in new people n new relationships. theyre always reminding me how good it feels and how exciting and nurturing and meaningful loving can be! it’s not the person, it’s the feeling, it’s the memory, it’s my mind unfolding. feels good to finally be making sense of my dreams, and in turn, my feelings...and in turn, myself

[jujyfru1t]

So who are your fave Furuba characters and ships and why? Least fave characters and ships? :D

Dear sweet anon, what have you done. Hold on to your hat bc this turned into a novel (urlucky I haven’t caught up on Furuba Another or I’d have EVEN MORE TO SAY)

Least fave characters: Gonna answer the leasts first, it’ll be shorter lmao. My least favcharacters are… Ren and Akira, I guess? They’re Akito’s parents after all and if they hadn’t emotionally and psychologically abused her, the curse/Akito’s treatment of the Zodiac members would have turned out very differently (captain understatement here)

Least fav ships: have one canon and one non-canon~ Hana/Kazuma(Shishou) because, age gap much? Plus it didn’t have much development as far as I remember, really felt like it came out of left field and like Takaya-sensei was hurrying to pair everyone off XD also I ship Uo/Hana like whoa so I’m a tiny bit salty about it

Also also Akito/Tohru (I see it a lot on FF.net) holy crap the power imbalance/age gap again, it’s way WAY too squicky for me

Fav characters? All of them sorry that’s a cop-out+notentirely true (see above) but honestly I love them all (yes even Akito with reservations). Well let’s see, top 5 I guess, pardon the genericness I suppose.

1 TOHRU HONDA. She was a cinnamon roll before cinnamon rolls were a thing!! I love love love how her insecurities are slowly revealed (could apply to a lot of them tbh), that you think she’s a Pollyanna but she’s trying so hard to help literally everyone because she’s terrified of facing her past (but like she does genuinelywant to help everyone)… she is my eternal daughter and I’ll love her forever ok

2 Yuki-kuuuuun~ Full disclosure: he was my first 2D crush(my sis got vol 1 for my 15th birthday so yeah) ❤quite possibly kickstarted my love for pretty boys. I kinda shipped Kyoru and Yukiru at first and had trouble choosing (not these days *coughs*) but I felt 100% ok if Tohru picked Kyonkichi bc then I could steal Yun-chan hahaha I was a dork

3 Kyo-kun. Like, I can feel myself devolving into incoherent asdgljh but I’ll try to have reasons… kind of like Tohru’s bubbliness, prickly Kyonkichi is a defense mechanism. It’s just, so great that Takaya-sensei didn’t make him a total asshole and had Kyoru happen anyway, y’know? All the bad boy/good girl stuff that happens in romance where bad boy = actual douche, Takaya wasn’t having any of that, there are depths to everyone like real people. ALSO. Kyo seeing past Tohru’s positivity to her fears and accepting them, how he slowly warms up to her, I just *screeches*

4 Momiji. MY SON. With so many tragic backstories, this poor kid?? Really gets to me??? And his unrequited love for Tohru and letting her go bc he knows she and Kyo belong together and he wants her to be happy uuuughhhhe’s too pure

5 Kyoko *cries endlessly* she was a BAMF in so many ways, I dunnoI can’t think of much else, my feels

Fav ships: oh booooyyy *deep breath* Furuba has the longest entry in my shipping list hahahaaaaaa

I’m a helpless multishipper, ok, i’m happy w/ 99% of the canon ships but u want my favs soooo from “smallest” fav to “largest”:

ShigurexAkito because it’s multilayered and messed up and I find it fascinating

KyokoxKatsuya because *delighted pterodatctyl noises* IM SORRY I CAN’T WORD

Kyoru for the reasons haphazardly stated above

ArisaxSaki *shoves AU-ish fic in your face* because someone made a joke in the manga (I think?) that they’re like Tohru’s parents, so protective, and my imagination took off from there/I learned more about them in canon. They complement each other imo but at the same time their personalities are so different– thought I’d have more to say about them bc they’re so important to me but…

My number one ship that blows all others out of the water iiiiis! KyoxTohruxYuki. and it’s terrible because it’s the rareship hell to end all rareship hells but also wonderful because I feel free to write whatever i want on them fic-wise *flings all my Yukyoru stuff at you bc ego* I’ve shipped them together for i dunno 5 years now? I don’t remember what started it. i know I found some semi-Yukyoru fic on FF.net that is long and amazing and will never be finished whyyyy

but at some point i started shipping love triangles as OT3s to amuse myself (cuz srsly, screw that noise) and/or found ships that screamed OT3 at me– but the usual way for me to OT3 something is, well I ship pair A and pair B and kinda like Pair C so I’ma mush them together! a mix of that led me to Yukyoru. honestly though. in CANON you can see how much Tohru cares for both of them and how much Yuki and Kyo care for her (Yuki seeing her as a motherly figure never quite sat right with me btw) AND! Kyo and Yuki way deep down respect each other (they were my first rivalship. do not tell me Takaya-sensei didn’t know exactly what she was doing drawing this ha!) so it’s not total crack to say feelings could be mutual all around. also official art of those three is everywhere so it’s just fuel for the shipping fire now. nothing will ever be enough to show how damn hard I ship them, everything is beautiful and everything hurts.

here is a fic about them I treasure (the only one TT__TT)

and if you made it this far, thanks for reading my epic blabbings. and THANK YOU for sending me Furuba asks!!

#Fruits Basket #anonymous #Furuba #JujYblather