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#I have this anger and dislike towards my little brother that’s totally unwarranted like he’s 10 it’s just my issues
makkie-is-screaming
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3 months
Text
I should fucking kill myself
#I have this anger and dislike towards my little brother that’s totally unwarranted like he’s 10 it’s just my issues
#n whenever I feel his hatred towards him I want to gut myself like
#it’s not his fault that my moms a better mom for him n that he’s not scared of her
#It’s not his fault that my dads sober and present for him
#it’s not his fault that my older brother is a good brother to him n has never hurt him
#it’s not his fault he’s not scared of telling someone he’s hurt or of getting food
#it’s not his fault he parrots all of my parents insane conservative views
#but I still hold so much anger and resentment
#When I look at him I see him getting all the things I never got and being free of the traumas I went through
#and I know it’s good and I’m happy he’s grown up in a safer environment but I’m so angry that I didn’t have those parents
#and I know he’s also missing so many things I got
#But it fucking hurts seeing how loved and safe he is and wishing I had been that innocent at that age
#like when he’s fighting with my mom it’s over school work n video games n then he thinks he can talk shit ???
#when I was fighting with my mom it was bc she came home from work in a rage
#when I was mad at my dad it was because he got drunk n came home n yelled at my mom until she was crying in a corner then left
#When I was screaming at my older brother it’s because I was tired of him hurting me not because he called me a name
#I’m a horrible sister to him and I hate it because when he was a baby I was so fiercely protective of him and so happy to be his sister
#I watched his shows with him and kept him entertained when my parents got bad n I promised myself I’d take care of him the way I never was
#but I failed n now I can barely stand being around him
#like I’m such a good sister to my sister but that’s it
#n it makes me feel worse about my relationship w my brother bc I know I can be better but I’m just a horrible jealous bitch who should die
#screaming
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