#I haven't been close to a meltdown around my love at all tbh so maybe I'm scared for no reason. I mostly just cry because

[foxgirlmoth]

So my life is feeling like its on an upward swing since this is my final semester for my associates, I'm starting a new job real soon and also possibly have a really nice remote job if I hear back from a few places I recently applied to.

And it always terrifies me when good stuff starts happening.

Change is really hard for me especially when it feels like its all at once. With better pay comes the opportunity to leave my parent's house finally and move in with a girl who has lovingly stolen my heart. With my school behind me I can find better jobs even!

But at the same time, its just. So scary for me. What if I can't keep up my part of rent. What if my chronic pain or ADHD or other disabilities put a strain on someone I love to my core, and I end up making things worse because I get extremely emotional and will scream (at myself mostly) and panic during these high stress times (especially if money is involved)

I've had a 'safety net' of family members who barely tolerate the fake me I present myself as, and I know my mental health is going to be so much better when I'm not around them, but at the same time I need so much help sometimes. Family just happens to help in terms of shelter and food. It also doesn't help that the one other time I moved out it ended so so poorly that I'm still working through that trauma.

Hurting the love of my life in any way fucking terrifies me. I want nothing but the best for her always always always. I just know I can't always be at my best, its impossible to be. I will break at some point and probably scream and cry about how things aren't going nearly to plan and I'm so weak so often I don't know if I can pull myself together fast enough to not hurt myself or her with my untrue words.

#I used to have (What I'm pretty sure now were autism) meltdowns so bad when I was younger. #I was always told I was selfish and that I can't expect to have x thing or y thing fixed #And I would scream and slam my hands against my legs and the ground #Its never been pretty #I just learned to cry before it gets to that point now and I just sob so fucking much #But if it feels like my life is over? I just. I just can't. I'll still scream and cry and pulp my legs bruised and hands bleeding #And showing my wife all of me includes all of these things I hate. This could happen if I move in with her #I haven't had a meltdown in a while from what I remember #It was probably right after I moved back in with my parents. And was pretty much coerced into an environment I felt extremely unsafe in. #tw self harm #jic cause I have mentioned beating myself #I haven't been close to a meltdown around my love at all tbh so maybe I'm scared for no reason. I mostly just cry because #Thats what happens when any emotion runs high #<- Girl who is currently crying typing all thid #also I hope no one reads hurting her as physically. I've never thrown a punch in my life. Well. I guess except at myself #Huh thats the first time I've thought of it that way. That sucks #I just know that 1. Being loud in general would not be nice to either of us. and 2. I can be a bitch! I can say some rancid shit! #And that would! Be fucking bad and hurt! And I so desperately don't want that #And I know accidentally hurting someone is something you need to expect when you're in a close relationship with someone #It still fucking sucks though #AUGH I just needed to type this all out I'n feeling better already. I'm just a scared girl so often. #I want to live more and more each day so I know I'll make it. Even if I do it scared. I guess I hope you see this honey #Since this is stuff I should be talking about with you #Getting my thoughts sorted though before talking is good though. The reason I type this on fucking tumblr is because it helps me think #Also being vulnerable and letting friends and mutuals and the like see all this is a chance for me to better myself I suppose #This has been a runa rant #runa diary #I have a habit of overthinking. Methinks #Honestly my current safety net of family has been pretty fucking bad #The one time I earned a little bit more money than I needed for bills I was basically stripped of a lot of it paying my folks rent