#I learned to be outgoing w my coworkers bc otherwise they project stuff onto me and speak for me

[samuraisharkie]

It’s funny how some things can just instantly transport you back to the times you felt small and helpless. Getting iced and ignored in a group/ group chat. Struggling to understand something. Feeling lonely. Getting weird looks. Being laughed at. Suddenly I’m back in elementary school wondering why everyone picks on me, middle school wondering what’s wrong with me and why I can’t make friends, high school being pushed and shoved and ostracized. And I know I’m an adult now, and if people want to act immature and treat other people like garbage then it’s their loss not mine, but it always shocks me that for all of those things I repeat to myself, for my years of working on my self confidence and growth and understanding, how quickly I can be brought low from others. The little kid that felt like no one would ever care about them is still there somewhere. Realizing the struggle will never be over is depressing

#vent #bro this is why I don’t like servers with people I don’t know we’ll #*well #someone asked me a question bc they were interested in something I said and I responded with a slightly long message explaining #then for two hours there was just absolute silence in that channel. finally everyone just pretended the convo didn’t happen and moved on #edit: actually checked and it was almost four hours. #there is 95 members in that group chat #it’s so fucking stupid. it shouldn’t make me feel that way. #I feel like an over dramatic bitch feeling hurt from it #I was wondering why the hell I felt so down about it and couldn’t just move on and it occurred to me #that it was probably bc i haven’t exactly healed from that happening growing up #at least one of the reasons I mean #hell I’m grown and it STILL happens everywhere #and sometimes I just get so tired not knowing what I did to get that sort of response. I get so tired #at work someone summed me up to another person by saying I’m ‘pretty awkward but work hard’. I thought I got along w them pretty well #least I thought we were cool until he said that. made me realize that I was still too weird for him #the reason he likes me is just because I bust my ass trying to actually work. it’s not because of anything outside of that #I learned to be outgoing w my coworkers bc otherwise they project stuff onto me and speak for me #I still got the ‘you’re a little too quiet and don’t involve yourself with the group’ talk from my manager #i keep to myself. then I’m creepy and no one knows me well enough to care when I do speak #and then the moment I say more than two things I’m talking to much #realizing that the struggle never ends even outside of school fucking sucks man