#I like the ones where they r unhinged & codependent LMAO
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3 and 37 for ask game if you please :)
(rubs hands together gleefully) you asked about movies. this is my moment. Hold on to your hats, it’s Tentacledwizard Rant Hour.
3 films I could watch for the rest of my life and not get bored of:
FACE/OFF, dir. John Woo. 1997, rated R for faces being taken off, killing and murder, John Travolta licking his fake daughter’s face, pretty much everything you can think of that’s R-rated. Starring Nicolas Cage and John Travolta.
So, I was told I shouldn’t watch this movie because it was “boring” and “terrible.” ok, dad. sure. It proved to be neither! As soon as I finished it I wanted to rewatch it just to observe the nuances in Nick Cage’s acting. And John Travolta’s, but Cage is who I’m really here for. He plays this unhinged, flamboyant villain, then does a complete 180 (body swap, sorta) and plays a straight-laced FBI man PREVIOUSLY played by John Travolta (who, you guessed it, now plays the flamboyant villain).
The acting. The ACTING augh I could analyze it for hours. I’m not even good at analyzing facial expressions and stuff (it is the tism) but the acting skill in this movie made me even more of a Nicolas Cage fan. The sheer range of emotions that wash over his face during a fight scene in a prison. god DAAAAMN. He plays two men in one movie- one who’s just batshit insane and reveling in it, and another who feels like he’s become the former in more ways than just physical.
FBI Man finds himself melting into this persona he’s playing, and he feels perversely drawn towards the villain’s lifestyle. He’s wearing the face of the guy who killed his child, and he’s starting to enjoy it. Meanwhile John Travolta walks around wearing the face and mannerisms of a straight-laced FBI man, and his ascent to power is scary to watch. It’s (rolls around on floor screaming) it’s so good. I haven’t seen A LOT of movies so if you asked me this question in a couple months, my answers here would probably change. However, Face/Off is not moving off this list.
There’s even a funky little evil man who stole scenes from Cage himself. He plays the villain’s brother, Pollux (name sounds like Sollux, and he points out the inherent eroticism of salmon in documentaries). Something about his line delivery has made me deeply obsessed with him. He and his brother are messed up and evil but they care about each other almost codependently. It’s fascinating to me. Also for some reason the scene where Nick Cage talks about his first date with his wife makes me cry. One second I’m thinking about the scientific inaccuracies inherent in the movie’s plot, and the next I’m looking at Cage’s sad face through a layer of saline. Curse you, sentimentality.
So, yeah, Face/Off is incredibly good. Certainly not perfect, but super fun. Also this is the 90s and all the stunts are entirely practical, which is super sick. The two golden guns are iconic and almost certainly inspired Jake English’s strife specibus, lmao. And… Nick Cage! Yeah I think that’s enough Face/Off thoughts I can put here before this becomes an entire longpost. (checks Face/Off google results) HOLD ON NOW there’s going to be a Face/Off 2? Or is this just a rumor? Woah. I will have to google this.
National Treasure, dir. John Turteltaub. 2004. Rated PG-13 for guns and a mildly suggestive scene because of course they had to put a blonde lady in a mildly suggestive scene, and British people. Stars Nicolas Cage, Justin Bartha, and Diane Kruger.
Yeah ok at this point this is like my default movie. Should I be ashamed for enjoying this? Nuh uh. Life is too short to be ashamed for enjoying a silly action movie. Im killing cringe culture with two golden guns. In other news I have seen this movie eight times, and talked about it to anyone who’d listen. Here is a full review of it that I wrote. When I missed out on a trip to Washington DC, I watched this to really immerse myself in the setting. When my mom and I wanted to watch a film, I put this on and she said “phallus” every time the Washington Monument was onscreen because she’s fun like that. When my best friend whom I love dearly came over, the first thing I did was put on National Treasure. It’s kept me grounded and also gives me a good chuckle at some of the goofier scenes. This movie is a…
It’s a…
The joke is low-hanging fruit, but yeah, it’s a national treasure. This is admittedly Cage at his most mainstream. He’s an action movie hero guy, but in a PG-13 movie made by Disney. When asked about a possible National Treasure 3 in interviews, Cage seems kinda annoyed. I mean hey, I would be too. His acting in this film doesn’t seem like something he’s personally interested in, although he does a good job. However, I think his character’s parallels with Nick Cage’s real life are pretty interesting, especially because the director knew Cage since highschool. More on that later.
Where Face/Off’s selling point was “Nick Cage and John Travolta swap faces,” this one’s is “Nicolas Cage steals the Declaration of Independence.” And then a bunch of other stuff happens, but that one sequence is the best in the entire movie. The parallels and differences between two teams’ methods of stealing the Declaration really got to me. After that, there’s a bunch of adventuring… making leaps in logic… puzzles… what’s not to love! :D I will say that the main character is somewhat casually misogynistic in this film, which makes me grimace every time. He does learn his lesson in the second movie (though he remains pretty static, which frustrates me because there was an OBVIOUS CHANCE for character growth there… hmm maybe I will review nat treasure 2 sometime).
Something I forgot to mention in my full review is that Jon Voight and Harvey Keitel are in this movie, which is quite the slay. However, this means that I ended up thinking of Jon Voight as a Good Guy the next movie I saw him in (Mission Impossible). Uh. so apparently Jon Voight plays a lot of villains. As for Harvey Keitel, he plays an FBI Man. (looks at “Harvey Keitel movies” page) OH SHIT he’s in THAT MANY iconic movies?? That’s awesome. He’s a cool guy!
Ok, let me talk about Jon Turteltaub. So Nick Cage and Jon Turteltaub went to the same high school, and they both wanted the lead role in Our Town. (Trust me on this, I’ve read like three Nicolas Cage biographies.) Turteltaub got the lead role, whereas Cage got the role of Constable Warren. According to this interview, Turteltaub never let him live it down. Ouch. So after that, Cage couldn’t stand Our Town. and then after THAT, Jon Turteltaub went on to direct the National Treasure movies. Guess who stars in National Treasure! Yeah, that’s an anecdote that is just really funny to me. They also collaborated on Sorcerer's Apprentice, which I have yet to see. Nick Cage plays a sorcerer, hells yeah. Now according to Turteltaub, “there’s a lot more Nic in [the sorcerer] than in [the main character of National Treasure].” Yup, that’s pretty much what I thought. (shakes head) Nick Cage movies, amirite? If you really want a lot more National Treasure thoughts, check out my review! Yeah ok that’s enough shilling for myself, ha ha. This is a cool movie and you can watch it whenever, with whoever. Probably. P.S. everyone is at their most autistic swag in this movie. But especially Riley Poole, played by Justin Bartha. I adore him.
3. Anger Management dir. Peter Segal. 2003. Somehow rated PG-13 despite the constant sex jokes. Starring Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson.
Ha ha, PSYCHE. i absolutely hate this movie
3. Employee of the Month dir. Greg Coolidge. 2006. Rated PG-13 for retail working and reference to Vince Downey [Dax Shepard] seducing women in various places around a Costco. Stars Dane Cook, Jessica Simpson, and Dax Shepard.
I really like this movie. What more can I say? It’s a low-budget rom-com from 2006, and the director did not need to go that hard with the gay subtext. But he did! And I am forever grateful. (checks time) it’s getting kind of late, so let me direct you to my super hype review that I wrote a while ago. The reason I wouldn’t get bored of watching this movie is the sometimes batshit, beautiful turns the plot takes. Bam, this rom-com is now randomly a sports movie for a few minutes. Now Vince and his sidekick Jorge are breaking into the main character’s house to make him late for work. I don’t really know how to explain, I just love that kind of thing in a movie. It’s unpredictable and fun in kind of a stupid way.
Also, Jorge and Vince are the emotional core of the movie. Their relationship is messy, but it’s even more sweet and heartfelt than the actual main romance of the story. It’s the romantic B-plot. If Employee of the Month were an Alternian movie, Karkat would go into a huge rant about its portrayal of moirallegiance through Vinzce and… Jorgay (lmao). Pretty similar to what I did in my previous review. If you realllyyyy wanna read a scene-by-scene breakdown of their relationship, check that one out! Actually that one is just me having emotions about them. “OMG THEY HUGGED.” u kno. that sort of thing lmao. @creatcher made some fanart of them kissing yey :D
So, yes, Vince and Jorge are amazing, and Jorge is especially amazing. Can’t wait to see Napoleon Dynamite (his actor plays Pedro in that one). There’s a lot to be said about the character Efren Ramirez plays here, but I doubt I have the expertise to really do a critical analysis. also this is still a low-budget romcom about retail workers. OH yeah also the plot is really funny- the romance turns out to have very little by way of stakes, so it’s actually Zack (played by Dane Cook) competing against Vince for employee of the month. That’s the core conflict of the movie. Well, one of them. They’re literally jousting in a costco like “two gay old sailors” (Vince’s words, not mine). This movie portrayed homestuck quadrants before they were even a thing (refer to a shipping chart @cgtg and i did for more clarity). Employee of the Month is unexpectedly great. Obviously none of the movies on my list are perfect- this one includes some racism/ableism from Vince, and I already mentioned the National Treasure misogyny- but they have a lot of redeeming qualities. And i mean a LOT. they also all have a short guy for me to be obsessed with. So that’s the three movies I picked, and why I’ll never get bored of them. Hmm. I guess it depends on how many times I watch them!
Share a secret:
Hmmmm ok this is a tough one. uuuh… ok here goes: My darkest secret is that my crush looks exactly like John Egbert. There’s a real person in real life who looks like John Egbert. One cannot fathom the amount of horror this entails. They even have the same taste in movies. The same SHOES. That’s your secret for the day, tune in for more at 10!
Yep, I wrote a lot of stuff for this ask. It was fun, though. I enjoy ranting about movies. Thanks for the qs!
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