#I put too much pressure on myswlf to enjoy it

[hikingofthenoldor]

Online university and exam season had really deprived myself of hobbies or leisure activities in general. Now I am completely overwhelmed and I don't know what to do because I don't know where to start. Sew? Knit? Draw? Read? Write? Bike? Run? Bake? Motorcycle? Learn Russian? Play video games? Hike? Woodwork? I'm sitting here totally perplexed, still doing nothing, staring at a wall and absolutely unable to commit or concentrate on any single activity.

#I did read run and draw a little during exam season just to stay sane #But no bigger projects or fun activities that take longer than 2h #And i still have one more paper to habd in but it's a group project and there is nothing i can do #Why am i like this #I am already anxious about next semester #To be fair the semester break will be short this time #But i wanna enjoy it #I put too much pressure on myswlf to enjoy it #Jack's personal stuff

[sirwhitepawsecretdiaries]

I hate how i feel so pressured to change my body. I never thought getting braces would be something I'd badly wanted to do... Then I see my Boobs and I feel so inadequate. And i dont want to do anything about it cause i feel fine with it but i feel so fuckint pressured to get something done about it. Go for plastic surgery. Increase My ass, tighten my vagina, shrink my arms, fix my smile, narrow my nose.... Who the fuck am i even doing this for? I feel so trapped. And so almighty pressured. Plastic surgery is something I'm looking into and I really hate myself for that

I'm obsessed with clothes. You have no idea how obsessed I am. I'm saving for a Dolce and Gabana Bag. Look how much I've changed. I'm more scared to look fat and ugly than to just enjoy myself and genuinely laugh. All my laugh is fake. I laugh so People won't see how boring i am. How sad and fucking hurt i am. How pressured i am. I hate myself. I absolutely hate to see my naked body. It is so fucking ugly. How is any man going to want me. That day, a boy sitting across mee at the cafe kept looking at me. I just kept looking down cause i know. I know with all my heart, the more he looks, the more he will see how fucked up i look and stop looking.

Why? Why? How do i escape this? Im getting older everyday, and im getting uglier. Wrinkle more. How is anybody going to love me when im so ugly? I feel so hurt. Why? Why am i so ugly. Why? Why is my boobs so small. Why is my tummy not tiny. I keep losing weight but i look like a fucking ruler. I look so ugly. I have no curves. How will a man love me? All man care about is...

But I'm nothing. I dont even know myself. I wear makeup to hide my sadness. I wear heels to pretend im confident. Im a nobody.

So god i pray, i beg and plead that somehow i can escape this prison of my body. That i dont know how... But i wont kill myself just cause i feel ugly. What's the pt of putting on makeup when im always crying? My fake lashes fall each day. I pay $100 each mth just to keep it up. I workout like crazy and sometimes starve myswlf? For what???? For some boy???

I watch other people having sex and I turn it off bwcause my body is not thick and juicy. My body is filled with scars, a ton of blue black, and stretch marks. My ass is not firm. My tummy still packs a punch. My boobs are too small to make a man satistfied. Sometimes, i think it's better to run away for good. To a place where i have no internet access at all. Where i never get to interact with the world. Be with nature and forget how messed up my body looks. Just be and just do what i have to do.

I do all I can... I google ways to hide ny scars, fix my teeth, fix my body. I feel so trapped.

I feel so trapped. I think I'm just going to save up for plastic surgery but thinking about it makes me want to cry because I'm not doing it for myself. I do it because i feel pressured. Is this why some girls kill themselves? Cause they can't take it anymore. How do I fix this prison? Will it ever end?

So what if i do my surgery? What if i fix my teeth, my body? Will that be enough? I doubt so. I will keep wanting to change it. And with each day, i get older, i wrinkle more, more botox, more surgery... More boobs implant. I saw a girl on insta who did her boobs. Her tits are much smaller than mine and now hers are full. Yea, maybe i'll do that. Maybe i will get my boobs fixed first.