#I shouldnt need to reinforce positivity rhoguh this

[nightskytypes]

I got another huge step done and I should be happy and proud. And im trying. But lately i’ve been made fun of way too much I fucking hate how worthless its made me feel. I’ve been wandering though this haze for months now. I’ve had this horrible black pit in my chest for longer than I can remember that my days just blur together like Im daydreaming. I can barely remember anything Ive done in the day unless ive had someone around to keep me rooted. I wake up and go from being okay to the pit pulling me in full force from even the nicest of dreams. “ Oh yea. im just trash again.” “Ah thats right. I got made fun of again.” ”Right. I cant say anything or i’ll just be tormented.” Ive gotten so used to it I cant even remember what its like to have someone genuinely want to hear my day, or the things I get excited about and not be told im too loud or some short uninterested response. I dont even remember what its really like to be treated nicely unless its connected to my looks or body and someone wants something out of me. I spend months trying to be more positive and improve my attitude, try new things and be happier though life not working out and I just get inevitably told how much of a piece of shit I am for not being better or faster or smarter and I just always ruin everything. any Attempt to be sweet or positive gets annoyed reactions and overpowered by negative moods.  I dont feel like me anymore. Im always sad. Im always holding back crying. I spend nights alone struggling with thoughts of just giving up. Thoughts of what the point is because Im never good enough. Nothing I ever do or try will ever work out. I feel like theres just string holding me up at this point and its close to snapping. A bullet with my name on it is just so much more of a drive than “You’re going to make it. Things will turn out and you’ll smile wholeheartedly again”  im nothing but a giant waste of fucking oxygen someone better could be using. “it’ll get better” feels like a dream. I dont feel like I deserve anyone because Im struggling with school and work and its bullshit. I deserve it as much as anyone. Im trying so fucking hard. Ive been doing nothing but aiming for the same goal and sacrificing so much for it. I just want to be happy. I just want to laugh and smile and joke around. I want to be loud and dance. I just want to hold someones hand and tell them stories ive read through the day or hear them tell me of their life and feel safe and cared about. I dont knwo who the person in the mirror is anymore. im so fucking broken down and beaten and I just dont want to be alive anymore.

#I should be fucking proud. I should be fucking happy. #I shouldnt have to be forcing these feelings #I shouldnt need to reinforce positivity rhoguh this #its so drraining #im so tired