#I'm just tired of constantly grieving people I've never met. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stardustcrusader · 6 days

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processing some stuff under the cut

i think for the first time in a long time, i'm actually allowing myself to grieve my last relationship. it's very embarrassing that it's been almost 8 years since it ended, but i think i just lived in denial for a long time about things ever happening again.

i've been re-reading a bunch of my old posts from when i was in college and it's so painfully obvious i was a nervous, depressed wreck because my father was dying of cancer and i had convinced myself that i would never be good enough or on equal footing with my boyfriend at the time.

my mental illness really ruined our relationship, at least on my end. and it makes me really, really sad to see how badly i was doing back then. in the time since, i did a lot of intensive therapy, got medicated, and got a degree. i work full time and am with someone else now, whom i cherish dearly, but deeply-seated parts of me wonder so fucking much if we met again now...

would anything have gone differently?

it hurts me so much to write this out, but he was probably one of the only people in this world i could be around constantly without issue. even with my current partner, i need time to be alone. time to think, time for silence. we complimented each other so well. it never felt like i got tired of him, just that my anxiety would eat me alive inside for one reason or another. i miss the good parts of that. and i think i would've healed, if he gave me the time and grace to do so.

i look back and it also breaks my heart how afraid i was to ask for help. to lean on him in the ways i really needed to. how i would get sad or frustrated after socializing with our friends over board games because i felt like i was being reminded that he was better than me when i wanted us to be equals. i was so insecure and it made me terrified to be the best person i could've been. it makes me so sad to know i felt that way and makes me wish i could extend some additional kindness to my past self.

as much as i resent it, there are parts of me that wish we could meet again. start over. start from scratch. but i know that's just a dream. it would be cruel to subject my partner to the fallout from that dream.

i reached out to him again recently. i think it was selfish in part, but also because i've really been needing some closure and maybe even a friend these days. i doubt he'll ever respond. i still hope he does any time i've looked at my phone in the past three days. i try to let myself be less alert. to relax. it's getting better. slowly.

i think the reality is, it's time for me to grow up. to let go. to be okay with the fact that i will never have another relationship like that--and maybe that's a good thing. but i also need time to be okay with grieving that.

maybe it's just rose-tinted glasses. maybe it's my ocd-adjacent anxiety. maybe i'm just lonely and desperate because there are things in my current relationship i'm working on and want an easy out. i don't know.

it's bad but... i miss my best friend.

i miss playing video games together. i miss waking up next to his snoring in bed, the morning summer light streaming in through the shutters. i miss him showing me girly french pop songs and the way he laughed when we'd get into tickle fights. i miss trying a sip of his beer or coffee and making a yucky face because it was so bitter. i miss talking with his dad about what it was like when his dad passed away. i miss him offering to pay because he knew i was too broke and would stubbornly do it anyways when i refused. i miss playing board games together even when i lost and would feel bad about myself. i miss making red bean buns in the kitchen together. i miss us flirting by showing off our knowledge of biology. i miss the sex. i miss brunch in the mornings on saturdays and ramen in the evenings when we accidentally put off eating until after 9PM and everything else was closed. i miss forcing myself to try a little bit of carrot cake even though i didn't like it because it was his birthday and it was his favorite and i wanted to see if maybe it would be mine, too. i miss helping him with his essays. i miss his stupid puns. i miss walking to the park when it was nice out because it was so close to his house, i wouldn't even have to drive. i miss him shaking his head at me as i tried to explain some new confounded pseudoscience field i read about. i miss walking him to class on campus because some days made it hard to go, so i always wanted to make sure he showed up, even if he wasn't able to do his best. i miss our talks about how playing the trumpet sucked. how math was hard for me and it made me feel like i'd never catch up to everyone else in my degree. i miss his hair; it was so thick and curly it felt like it could never be tamed unless he kept it short. i miss arguing about which pizza we should order because we were too broke to order more than one. i miss it all.

i do so much of this now. but for some fucking reason, it's not enough. it's not the same. it feels so evil the way that everything is burrowed into my heart, into my soul. like if i could trade everything i have now for a second chance, i would. and it hurts because everything i have right now is incredible. i'm so loved. i feel so safe. but every fiber of my being screams out some days that it's not enough.

and i feel so horrible.

maybe some day i'll accept what's come to pass. maybe some day we'll meet again and try again. i don't know. i can't know. it kills me not to know.

#personal #text post #dnt rb #i feel like im a grown ass adult and should be over it #but im not #im really not

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msjr0119 · 5 years

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Forgive me

Part 3 - Somebody to you

A mini series, includes suicide and abuse.

Based on true events but using TRR characters who are owned by Pixelberry.

@annekebbphotography @burnsoslow @drakesensworld @ladyangel70 @kingliam2019 @bbrandy2002 @butindeed @bascmve01 @drakewalker04 @pedudley @captain-kingliamsqueen @duchessemersynwalker @insideamirage @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @kozabaji @texaskitten30 @ibldw-main @kimmiedoo5 @nikkis1983 @dangerouseggseagleartisan @gnatbrain @walker7519 @lodberg @cmestrella @hopefulmoonobject @addictedtodrakefanfic @angi15h @liamxs-world @rafasgirl23415 @notoriouscs @yukinagato2012 @dcbbw @qammh-blog

*****

Liam, Maxwell and Bastien arrived back at the palace, early hours in the morning. A fusion of emotions were running through Liam’s mind being back home. One feeling he wasn’t feeling was happy, he wasn’t thrilled to be back to proceed with his royal duties. Although he was happy that Drake had managed somehow to convince Riley and Lucas to come to cordonia. After listening to her reiterate how badly his father had treat his family, he knew it must have been a difficult decision to consider.

Before meeting Riley and Lucas, Liam just accepted he was royalty and would have to follow the rules. Unlike Leo, he avoided relationships with nobles- needing to stick to royal protocols.

I used to be so tough

Never really gave enough

And then you caught my eye

Giving me the feeling of a lightning strike

“Are you okay Li?” Maxwell asked quietly, seeing Liam in a trance, staring vacantly at his screensaver.

“Sorry?”

“I asked if you was okay. You keep looking at the erm selfie.”

“Yes, I’m fine. I’m just missing Lucas.”

“Just Lucas?” Maxwell winked, he knew that Liam had some feelings towards Riley. Before she dropped the bombshell they had all discussed how beautiful she was - Liam stealing glances from her, his eyes lighting up, sparkling the room.

“Yes, just Lucas. He’s my nephew. Of course I’m going to miss him. I would have done anything to have known him from the minute he was born.”

“How about Riley?”

“What about her? She’s my sister in law, the mother of my nephew. She doesn’t feel anything towards me.”

“But do you?” Maxwell saw a slight blush creep on to Liam’s face.

“I ... I ... Max I need to go. I need to have a quick sleep, then discuss some matters with my father.”

Look at me now, I'm falling

I can't even talk, still stuttering

******

Drake, Riley and Lucas boarded the plane. Luckily they managed to get a ticket for the last flight of the night, saving them looking like homeless people stranded at the airport. Looking at the photos of her, Liam and Lucas- she couldn’t get him out of her mind. The way he bonded with his nephew- but the way he looked at her. That kiss that meant nothing at the time, was constantly on her mind.

I've got your photograph

But baby I need more than that

I need to know your lips

Nothing ever mattered to me more than this

“What’s up?” Drake asked, seeing her staring down onto her phone. “It’s a nice picture of you three.”

“It sure is.” Drake noticed her face turn a shade of red.

“Are you going to elaborate on that kiss you both shared? We have a long flight.”

“Are you some type of weirdo?”

“Quit with the name calling, you’ve already called me a sulking arsehole. And you avoided my question.”

“Drake there’s nothing to elaborate on. It was a kiss. A kiss is a kiss. He was grieving, he didn’t know what he was doing.”

“Oh he knew what he was doing.”

“Wha- you’re wrong.”

“I’ve known him my whole life, he doesn’t get himself involved with women. Only those who are special.”

“I’m his sister in law. He doesn’t feel that way towards me. Besides we only met yesterday.”

“Was his sister in law. Or should I say fake sister in law. How do you feel towards him?”

“I... I... I’m going to get some sleep, like Lucas. The whole timezone difference will affect me.” Drake shook his head laughing, he knew there was more she wanted to say- she was in denial.

Look at me now, I'm falling

I can't even talk, still stuttering

*******

Bastien escorted Liam to Constantine’s study- noticing Liam clench his fists, he placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Liam took a deep sigh, before walking into the room.

“Liam. I’m so glad you’re home safe. Did you have a good bachelor party? I hope you’re ready for the social season.”

“Father, I’m not having a social season. I don’t care what input you want in my life. But I’m not doing it. I will rule without a Queen.”

“No you will not! You are choosing a bride, a queen worthy for this country.”

“I have something to tell you. Leo has passed away. He took his own life after your impromptu visit to New York. I met Riley and Lucas- completely by fate.”

Bastien noticed the King was speechless for once, wondering if Constantine would feel any empathy towards his past actions.

“Why couldn’t you just allow him to be who he was? Why wouldn’t you allow him to have a traditional Cordonian marriage arrangement, which he and Riley decided to do between themselves. She is selfless and wanted your son to be happy.”

“Liam, I ... I ... couldn’t allow that. He was with a man.”

“So let’s put things into perspective. Say Leo was still the Crown Prince. And he married Riley but had an affair with one of the suitors- that would be acceptable? Or if he married Riley but she had an affair with me or someone like Lord Maxwell- that would be acceptable?”

“Yes. Those situations would be acceptable Liam. He was my son. He wasn’t that man that he thought he was.”

“Yes he was! I’ve seen pictures, I heard the stories. He was happy and you killed him. You have traumatised Riley, she walked in seeing his lifeless body. You have left his son without a father. His son who is adorable, he’s Leo’s double - he started walking yesterday when I spent time with him. Riley and Leo may have not loved each other the way you wanted them to, but they both loved Lucas and you tore that family apart. You said to Leo that he wasn’t your son. Well you are not my father anymore. Goodbye Constantine.”

“Liam, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise to me. Apologise to Riley and Lucas when they arrive. Sorry seems to be the hardest word for you to express- so I think it’s a little too late. They should be here anytime soon. Drake is escorting them here. And if you lay a finger on her again, you’ll be wishing you didn’t. I’m not bluffing. I’m not having a social season.”

******

“Hey, sleeping beauty. You need to wake up.” Drake nudged Riley, he was concerned as she was screaming Leo’s name in her sleep- he decided that he needed to mention it to Liam when they arrived at the palace. Lucas had woken up briefly during the flight- but Drake didn’t want to disturb her. Instead he played with the little boy and rocked him back to sleep.

Fluttering her eyes open, she apologised for falling asleep for the whole flight- they landed and quickly got through passport control.

“So when is the other stray arriving?”

“A few days time. Work commitments.” Drake nodded, and escorted them to the SUV waiting for them. Bastien greeted them before informing Drake that Liam knew.

“Beaumont. I swear he hasn’t got a brain. Is Liam okay with them coming and for the lie I told?”

“His highness is thrilled Drake. He spoke to his majesty a couple of hours ago- informed him about Leo, but also refused to do the social season.”

“Why would he do that?” Bastien looked over at Riley, strapping Lucas in the SUV. Realisation hit Drake like a ton of bricks- he knew Liam never wanted a social season, but he wondered if there was more to the reasoning now.

The ride to the palace was silent, Lucas had drifted back to sleep. Riley was taking in the scenery- it was breathtaking. All she was used to was skyscrapers and pollution, the rush of people on the streets. Cordonia was peaceful, clean, culturally influenced and beautiful. Arriving at the their destination, she noticed Drake’s previous vacant face expression change- the thin edge of a grin appeared. Trying to read why his expression towards her could switch instantly, she was lost in thought- paranoid to say the least. The door opened slowly- she was expecting it to be Bastien, until she saw his baby blues.

“Good morning.” Liam held his hand out towards her, hoping she would accept it. Assisting her out of the car, he couldn’t help but admire her beauty yet again.

“How are you so awake? I need some tips on how to cope with the jet lag.” Riley said as she stretched her limbs.

“Whiskey, or there’s other ways...” Drake interrupted, glancing towards Liam laughing. Liam’s eyes widened, he knew what techniques Drake was referring to. They were always successful with the commoner- but not with Liam. He liked to have a quick nap, then keep his mind busy.

“Other ways?” Riley asked innocently. Liam coughed, needing to change the subject immediately.

“Ignore him. We will take your belongings to my quarters for now. I actually want to talk to you if you’re not too tired.”

“Sure, I suppose I better try and stay awake-to get used to the new timezone.”

As they left, Drake got out his phone and text Maxwell. He wanted to berate him for telling Liam that Riley was coming but he also wanted to place a bet with him.

Hey, gob on legs- just arrived at the palace. Fancy a bet? The odds can be decided later on- no backing out.

Hey buddy, sorry about that. I was half asleep- I didn’t know what you had text. I assume it’ll be fine though. What bet? The Derby isn’t for a couple of days.

Not the derby. I bet you that Liam makes a move on Riley before the ball tonight.

You’re on. But I think I better pay up now.

******

Arriving in Liam’s quarters, he poured her a coffee. Sitting at the table, the living area was as big as her whole apartment.

“My father is aware that you are visiting. But don’t worry. I’ve sorted it out. He won’t hurt either of you. We have a planned ball tonight, I was hoping that you’d attend?”

“Thank you, but I think I’ll give it a miss. Besides you’ll need to mingle with all the suitors.”

“They will be there tonight, yes. But they aren’t suitors. I’m not having a social season.” Riley nearly chocked on the coffee, trying to compose herself- she didn’t know what to say. She knew that the social season was an imperative duty for royalty. Patting her back, she was grateful but also frustrated- every touch made her stomach flutter. “If you don’t want to attend I’m not going to force you. But I’d be thrilled if you would.”

“I don’t think balls are intended for one year olds. I don’t think I’d be fully awake anyway. And besides I haven’t got a babysitter.”

“We have a royal nanny. So that problem is sorted. How much sleep does a Princess require? It doesn’t start for ten hours.” He said sarcastically but also flirtatiously.

“Call me ‘Princess’ again, your highness and I may have to commit treason.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Wouldn’t I?” Raising her hand up, whilst winking she intended to pretend swiping him- his quick relaxes grabbed her arm, not in a forceful way- it was gentle.

“No...” Turning towards her and closer to her leaving little distance he whispered in her ear, she could feel his warm breath linger next to her ear. He knew she didn’t return the feelings that he had grown towards her instantly, but he couldn’t resist. Unable to fight against the thoughts that were going through him, the thoughts that were constantly on his mind. Her sweet scent, her smile, the way her baby blues sparkled, just her presence was flooding his senses now. Was it just lust? Or was there some meaning to his growing feelings.

Leaning his head closer to her neck, he softly kissed it- closing her eyes, her body was frozen. “Liam.” She barely whispered, it was more of a whimper. Hearing his name roll of her tongue, made him want her more than a friend - more than the fake sister in law. Pulling away he caressed her cheek, they fixated their gaze on each other. Looking deep into each other's baby blues - they were both filled with desire. Gently leaning towards each other- it was as if a magnet was pulling them closer, Riley made the first move kissing his lips as he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her to sit on his knees. Unable to contain themselves or their feelings anymore, the previous slow delicate kiss soon turned into a fiery and passionate one, his hands worked their way around her body, feeling each curve, wanting to explore more. No words communicated. Just the touches made them both feel alive. Breaking the kiss, they both heard Lucas wake- sorrow in both their eyes, they sighed before smiling at each other. Riley removed herself off Liam’s knee, to see to Lucas.

“Riley?”

“Yes? What’s the matter?” Holding Lucas, she looked at him concerned. Liam wanted to ask how she felt about the kiss. She gave the impression that the first kiss was a mistake. A second kiss and flirting wasn’t a mistake in his eyes- but he couldn’t bring himself to ask her.

“I was just going to say, that your room is Leo’s old room- or there’s a spare room next to Drake’s. I was also going to say that if you want to catch up on some sleep, I don’t mind taking Lucas for a while.”

“Leo’s room? It’s fine. I’m sure you’re busy, I’ll take him for a walk or something.” Riley wasn’t sure about staying in Leo’s room, she was having nightmares still after that tragic night.

“Yes its next door. I’m not busy, I’d be honoured to spend time with him. And to spend time with his mommy later on.”

“Possibly.” Liam’s lips turned upwards, she didn’t say yes, but she didn’t reject the offer. “Erm, I wanted to ask, did Leo have a special place here?”

“Why? I wouldn’t exactly say that there was any special places.” Riley pointed to her bag, gesturing Liam to open it. He felt as if his heart had stopped, once realising what or who was in her bag.

“It’s not all of him, but I thought maybe he would like a piece of him to be in both his homes.” Liam tried to keep his stoic expression, but he couldn’t contain his emotions. Seeing Lucas’s lip tremble, he wiped his tears away knowing he had to stay strong for both Riley and Lucas.

“I’ll take yours and Lucas’s belongings to Leo’s room. Have a rest, I’ll take him.”

“Thank you Liam.” Liam smiled at her, he wanted to be more than than just her child’s uncle- he wanted to be her protector, someone she could trust.

All I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah- Is somebody to you.

*****

Liam left Riley in Leo’s room, acting strong deep down she was breaking down. She didn’t know if it was her imagination playing tricks on her, but she could smell his scent. Debating if she should move rooms, at least she would have Drake next to her for support. But Liam’s quarters were next door if she stayed in Leo’s room- Liam the man, the Crown Prince who had been constantly on her mind in this short amount of time. No matter how much she tried to remove him from her thoughts, he was unerasable.

*****

Walking through the palace grounds with Lucas in his arms, Liam thought he would take him to some sentimental places- a walk down memory lane.

“This Lucas, is where your daddy kissed his first girlfriend. Grandad Constantine wasn’t impressed. Daddy knew how to attract the women, possibly attract the men too. You’re going to be a heartbreaker when you’re older, just like he was. Keeping your Mommy on her toes.”

Ambling towards the maze, he sat down on the swing with Lucas in his lap. Slowly swinging the two of them- he felt content. Lucas began laughing at every swing- which filled Liam’s heart with joy. His thoughts remained on Leo, regretting that he didn’t make enough effort to keep in touch.

“When you’re able to run little man, Uncle Liam and Uncle Drake will teach you how to play maze tag....”

“But don’t cheat like your father did Lucas.” Drake interrupted, walking over to the two of them he knelt down and gave Lucas a high five.

“Where’s Riley?”

“She’s resting, she had bad jet lag.”

“Why didn’t you give her the jet lag cure?” Liam’s eyebrows raised up- believing that Drake should concentrate on his own non existent love life rather than meddle in his.

“We flirted. We kissed. She sat on my knee, I held her close. I wanted more Drake. I’m so confused.” Drake was eager to inform Maxwell that he had won the bet- but he knew Liam needed happiness as did Riley.

“Go and see her. If you want some alone time, let me know and I’ll take him to the stables to see the horses.”

*****

An ominous scream startled Riley out of her reoccurring nightmare; the pills, the empty bottle, the goodbye letter, her best friend - her fake husbands body hanging lifeless. The nightmare would still cling on to her mind for the remainder of her life- haunting her every time her eyes closed. Sitting up, her body was trembling surrounded in a cold sweat- her cheeks were damp, she didn’t know how many more tears her body could possibly shed.

The royal cotton bed sheets were twisted and trapped around her limbs, probably because she re-enacted her actions from that night in her sleep. The rushing to his body erratically attempting to loosen the homemade noose. Her heart pounded against her chest- she didn’t know how many more sleepless nights she could handle. It had been three months- and it wasn’t getting any easier. The sun shone through the blinds into the room, but she felt surrounded by darkness. Pulling the sheet over her head, she let out a terrified cry.

Liam opened the door, and witnessed Riley hiding under the sheets - he could hear her crying- his heart was breaking for her. Liam removed the sheet gently- seeing the mascara smudged over her face with the tears lingering. He wiped them away, shortly after he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer, holding her protectively. She sunk into the warmth of his side, his touch made the room warmer somehow. Suddenly there was a cold breeze that past the two of them- but soon disappeared. Not taking any notice of the sudden breeze, the two of them watched Lucas play with his clip on buggy toys- he was hypnotised. Liam still holding Riley- he noticed her breathing return to normal, she was still gripping onto his shirt tightly.

“Dada.”

Riley’s eyes widened, she gulped. Liam just assumed it was coincidence, baby’s his age picked up little words as they were learning. Scrutinising the room, she saw a figure in the corner- arms folded, legs crossed, providing that infamous cheeky grin. Closing her eyes, she hoped once they opened that it was an hallucination. Slowly and hesitantly, opening them- the man she recognised was looking at her, then at Liam, then at Lucas before returning his gaze on her.

“Leo.” She whispered, still holding tightly on to Liam- still in denial. Liam pressed a soft tender kiss on her forehead- oblivious to where her gaze was focused. The figure bent down to kiss Lucas, before coming closer towards Riley and Liam. Carrying on blinking, she wanted to run out of the room. He bent down in front of them, she saw the line across his neck. Reaching out for her hand, she flinched at the coldness.

“I love you my best friend. I love Lucas. Look after him. Li will look after you both. Forgive me?”

Closing her eyes, she kept reminding herself that it was her imagination playing tricks on her. Opening her eyes he was gone. Liam had left her sat on the bed. Playing with Lucas, he felt a hand on his shoulder- looking behind him there was no one there. Returning playing with Lucas- there was a whisper in his ear.

“I’m so sorry little bro. Look after them both for me. I love you.”

#theroyalromance #choices trr #riley brooks #liam rhys #leo rhys #drakewalker #maxwell beaumont #trr constantine #trr bastien

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