#I'm scared that they'll go in hrt and it will make them unrecognizable to me as the person i fell in love with

[asordidbarwere]

first valentine's day in a long time that I have someone worth doting on and I'm wasting it feeling like shit about myself and my identity and everything else

#literally can't think about anything other than not feeling like i deserve to call myself trans #and how being called a lesbian makes me uncomfortable but being considered a lesbian brings my gf such joy #so if we're together wtf does that mean #i wish everything were easier #i feel like nothing compared to the transfem struggle #hatred isnt constantly weaponized against me #what right do i have to claim the trans identity at all #i hate being considered a woman but i do nothing to suggest I'm anything else #like i think i can just declare ''I'm a boy'' and have that mean shit #is there even a kind of masculinity that exists in this world that isn't just oppressive and violent #how can i say i admire those things and strive for them in front of someone who hates how it was expected of them their whole life #why am i so not okay with transitioning #why can't i do anything but live in fear #I'm going to fuck this up. i finally get to know what real love feels like and I'm going to sabotage all of it #I'm going to make them hate me and there's nothing i can do #it's just a matter of time #I'm scared that they'll go in hrt and it will make them unrecognizable to me as the person i fell in love with #and isn't that horrible of me? doesn't that make me as much of a transphobic monster as my ex #i feel like absolute shit. i wish I'd died in that car accident. i wish I'd never met someone who makes me so happy #so that i wouldn't have anything to fear losing or changing #i wish i didn't exist. i hate this whole fucking world #and also what disgusting level of privilege we all have to be giving a fuck about our genders while a genocide rages on #i wish i could wish for death but i don't wish for my gf to go through that loss #i wish i truly had nothing to lose. i don't deserve a damn thing