#I've been in a semi recovery period for the past 4 months

[mainfaggot]

tw eating disorder talk in the tags btw. just me being open for the first time in a long time but no numbers or specifics that could be triggering do nawt worry

#i was hospitalized for an nervosa in jan 2022 #and since then i have relapsed two times in the past two years #i was reading my journals and food logs from the inpatient and outpatient progreams #and wow. i was so fucking unwell #two years ago i was so severely depressed and so severely malnourished #i was incredibly frail in every sense. it was scary. I thought I'd die of starvation before suicide at one point #but ever since i was released in the spring of 2022 i told myself that if i wanted to kill myself it wouldn't be from an eating disorder #because I'd want to eat a nice last meal at least 😭💀 #also because the way i was suffering at my worst was terrifying and so painful in the slowest way possible #skip to present day #i relapsed during summer 2023 #i was restricting my intake+over exercising+lost almost all the weight that i was restored to and was getting frail in every sense again #but i was running on adrenaline and i was working 6-15 hours a week and cooking 'for fun' so no one noticed #it was not fun cooking btw i was being neurotic about portions and calories and ingredients #LOL anyway #I've been in a semi recovery period for the past 4 months #but over the past 2-3 weeks I've been struggling really hard mentally again #like i feel insane. i cant turn off the calorie counter in my mind. i cant eat certain things out of pure unfiltered anxiety. im clinging #to this feeling of immediate and temporary relief that i get from controlling things #i follow my meal plan provided by my registered dietitian and psychologist but #i get so anxious about it and it's crazy how fixated i get on different aspects of what/how im eating #it's like over time I've become orthorexic. HELP anyway #the point is. this break has made me have so many deep urges to go back to restricting and getting worse #for the sake of temporary and immediate relief + a sense of control #but i realised that as much as i feel i need to be in control. it's not worth it #it felt worth it over the summer but it wasn't because the c psych and RD wanted me to try another hospital program if i couldn't get myself #back on track with just their help #like being informed that my routine of neurosis was worse than i thought was so . unexpected #i thought i was fine. it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was back in late 2021 or early 2022 #but it was bad! i had low blood pressure i was getting hypoglycemic i was dizzy i was lightheaded i was getting sick every month