#MERCY with the SILVER STREAKS in their HAIR I’m gonna have a complete breakdown

[spookyvalentine]

mass effect au: white collar

Kasumi Goto, the galaxy-renowned art thief, forger and professional conman. Special Agent Shepard, the c-sec agent spearheading the white collar task force who caught her. EDI, the rogue AI posing as Kasumi’s very human partner-in-crime

ART BY @naarisz ‼️💖‼️

canon, crime lord, (sports coach coming soon)

Fic under the cut!

“Hello, Suit,” EDI greets, and bustles past them to set the pile of supplies Kasumi asked for on the already-crowded kitchen table. She has to push a carafe of wine uncomfortably close to the edge of the table to make room for her favorite portable printing press. EDI sniffs—hints of oak, vanilla and plum, before deepening into notes of chocolate and cherry. A Clos de los Siete, perhaps? She’d mentioned to Kasumi just the day before she was in the mood (oh! what a good friend she has). “Kas, when did you set the Malbec to breathe?”

No response.

She turns to look at her friend—observes the flush across her cheeks, the slight perspiration at the temples, her pulse jumping through the thin skin of her throat. Kasumi’s biometric readings honestly hurt to look at. She bats away the offending program.

EDI then examines the agent, who has increasingly been responsible for such reactions.

She supposes the suit always is dressed acceptably, but this is far more fashionable than their usual button down and tie.

A pinstripe vest accentuates a broad chest and a tidy waist. Their pants are… tighter? And perhaps a touch short—exposing the vulnerable jut of ankle bone. A quick scan informs her the agent is wearing vintage Brakala—a batarian designer of revolutionary couture, combining cultures and time periods—something that she doubts the agent would ever purchase for themself (let alone afford it with a government salary).

The navy fabric clings to their muscular frame and flatters their golden skin, EDI can concede.

Humans usually say something at such a sight, don’t they? Quickly, come up with something—

“You are… wearing more suit than usual?”

“Hello, Edie,” Agent Shepard says, and their face twists like it usually does when EDI talks to them—as if torn between hilarity and bewilderment. (This is a good reaction, right?) They smooth a large hand down their chest, looking down at the vest, a little self conscious—it’s charming. The action pushes out the suit jacket, and EDI catches a glimpse of their holstered pistol. Always armed. “I’m taking my wife out to dinner. Samara dressed us up, for some reason.”

“Not just for some reason, Shepard,” Samara says, swanning into view and petting the fur stole wrapped around her elegant neck. “It is the fourteenth anniversary of your first date—you must celebrate in style.” She pats the center of the suit’s chest twice, with a delicate jingle of silver bangles. She then gestures back to the open door with a deeply content expression. “Your radiant wife.”

And goodness gracious, radiant certainly is apt word choice. Samara has an impeccable vocabulary and knows exactly how to wield it, a quality EDI admires deeply.

“Mrs. Suit,” EDI says, because somebody has to respond, what with Kasumi audibly swooning behind her while the agent looks like someone hit them over the head with a baseball bat. “You look lovely. I mean—you always do. Of course. But—”

“Thank you, Edie,” Irikah Krios says, and dazzles EDI with a smile that could stop the heart beating in her chest (if she had one, that is). Irikah glances past her, notices the table cluttered with old paper, tubes of ink, the very obvious holoprojection of an ancient Hokusai, and raises a sly brow ridge. “I hope we’re not interrupting anything.”

“You are a most welcome, and striking, reprieve from the bureaucratic oppression in my midst,” EDI says, tilting her head at the suit. It’s enough to jolt them out of their stupor.

She revels in Irikah’s laugh, a glorious tinkling of bells with the faint rumble of a purr underneath.

“Wow,” Agent Shepard says, drawing breath like they’ve surfaced from a deep dive. “Iri, wow!” They stagger towards their wife before finding their balance and nearly running to her, sliding big hands around the span of her waist and—

Well. The suit may not have the same dexterous command over language as Samara, but to cop a word—wow!

That is a smooch.

They kiss her once, fiercely; twice, sweetly; and a third time, briefly, before pressing their lips to the dark scales at the center of Irikah’s forehead, holding her close. She slides her hands up their sides and under their suit jacket, letting out a pleased hum, and then takes a step back to give her spouse (in Kasumi’s parlance) major elevator eyes.

“My, my,” Irikah says—and, wow! EDI can feel the vibrations of her throaty rumble from across the room. Her sunset-orange eyes positively shine through the dark sclera. “I almost want to open my present now.”

And will wonders never cease. A blush sits high across Agent Shepard’s cheekbones.

“Honey,” they say, shooting EDI and Kasumi a mortified glance. The blush has reached the tips of their ears, a scorching red.

Such a prude, really. EDI can read their biometrics, they can’t hide from her. It’s cute, though.

Irikah seems to agree, patting their cheek with a cooing trill. The suit practically melts into her touch.

Together they make a remarkably dashing couple. Under the warm vintage light, the two of them practically glow golden. Actually? Irikah, literally—again, wow! The burnt umbre silk of her simple gown slinks almost… obscenely over her body, thin as water, and as she presses back into her spouse, the fabric falls back to reveal a generous slice of a gold-scaled thigh. Kasumi makes a sound similar to a whistling kettle.

“How did you manage to land a date with that, Suit?” EDI surprises herself by blurting. Blurting! It’s. Well. Very unusual for her verbal processing to precede her. Part of EDI is satisfied that her organic coding seems to be rolling successfully, but another part of her wants to pull out her core and run some tests.

Irikah immediately lights up, something gleeful sparking behind her eyes—EDI feels something truly priceless is about to be dropped into her lap—and of course the agent spoils her fun, placing a finger over their wife’s opening mouth.

“Please, Iri,” Agent Shepard practically begs. “We have a reservation to catch.”

“Oh, honey,” Irikah says, fondly smoothing down the lapels of their jacket. “If you say so.”

They let out a gusty sigh of relief. Shepard turns to guide her out of the apartment, but she breaks away and beelines for Kasumi.

“Kasumi,” Irikah says, catching both of her hands. “Thank you, for bringing my spouse home to me.” She presses a kiss to Kasumi’s knuckles, and then ghosts her lips across her cheek.

EDI is certain her friend’s knees are audibly quaking before she manages to shrug off the thanks and find her own winning grin. “Anytime, Irikah. I… owe Mercy. A lot.”

The golden drell nods, gifts her with another sweet smile, and joins her spouse at the door. The suit gives Kasumi a solemn nod before wrapping an arm around their wife’s shoulders and guiding them out into the night air.

Samara looks fondly after the couple before winking at EDI and Kasumi—knowing, saucy!—and the door closes solidly behind her.

“EDI,” Kasumi groans, like she’s been punched in the gut and clutching at her forearm and squeezing. Her pressure sensors register remarkable force from Kasumi’s thin fingers. “EDI, those married people are going to be the death of me.”

“Yes, yes,” EDI agrees.  She would bet actual money that her friend didn’t even notice Samara’s exit. “They’re both very shiny. But—hey!” she has to snap her fingers in front of Kasumi’s face a couple times to get her attention, and gestures back at the kitchen table. “We’ve got some work to do.”

(If you wanna know more about white collar au, here’s my first post sketching out the world! (it’s a lil outdated but bear w me))

thank you @jadevakarian for your batarian fashion designer’s name, brakala!!!! 🥰

thank you @acrylicsalts-inspo for the never-ending gift that is EDI as mozzie 🤌

to me @bbwind design of irikah krios is the ultimate. take a peep here and here 🤩

AND AGAIN THANK YOU @naarisz for blowing my tits CLEAN OFF the art you’ve made for me is nothing short of spectacular. Y’all go check out her shep Jocelyn and all the incredible stuff she creates 😍

#i don’t even know where to start #EDI is the shining light of my life #Kasumi is a bisexual disaster #irikah my golden goddess #MERCY with the SILVER STREAKS in their HAIR I’m gonna have a complete breakdown #samara the beloved retired criminal aunty lookin after kas n edi #off screen previous episode where mercy was kidnapped by liara bc she wanted to blackmail kasumi #oc: mercy shepard #themshep #irikah krios #shepard/irikah #eventual mercy/kas/iri #white collar au #mass effect