#Okay it was more like twentyfive if you count some edits

[tswwwit]

the idea of dipper and bill having to act as a "normal" white fence suburdan home married couple bc of "blending in with community" to investigate some particular magical phenamone or a cult or a monster or whatever and dipper is suffering, and bill is suffering too but he's also having sick fun with horrid fascination as an insane demon does, and they ask mabel for ideas, they have a barbeque housewarming party-

-wont leave my mind, its been *days*

dipper: this sucks, people live like this???

bill: I KNOW! THIS SUCKS! *fascinated like a watching a trainwreck or natural disaster* AMAZING

Pine Tree shuts the door behind him very quietly. A gentle 'click' as the latch sets in place.

Bill looks up from where he was flipping through the newspaper. He puffs on his pipe - unlit, but hey! It's for the look of things! - and smiles.

"Hello honey!" Bill takes the pipe out of his mouth, bouncing a slipper on his foot. "How was the homeowner's association meeting?"

Pine Tree stares forward. A muscle in his jaw twitches.

Bill hums to himself, and smiles.

Domesticity! Such as it is. That wonderful white-picket fence, no magic, no monsters, and no chaos-

The paper under his hands tears slightly. Bill clears his throat, shuffling the pages. He gives up on the ruse of news-reading - whether or not those nosy assholes across the street are watching - and flips, nonchalant, right to the comics section. He already solved the crossword in his head ten minutes ago.

Easy. He's got this. It's only been, like a couple days. There are way longer cons he's played, and this one isn't the worst!

Besides.

He'll be damned if he breaks before his mortal does.

"I talked to Linda." Pine Tree's voice is flat. He slowly strides over to the window, and draws the curtains shut.

"And?" Bill prompts, sitting up a little more. Man, sapling's got a full thousand yard-gaze going! He watches with fascination.

"She's so glad to see that the," Pine Tree lifts his hands, making finger quotes. "'Non-traditional' couple is so," He swallows, holding down some simmering fury. "'Decent'" Bill's throat jumps, but. Nope, not perfect. The gagging noise still came through. But he nods, very seriously.

Acting.

"And," Pine Tree says, very slowly. Turning towards Bill, equally slow, and deliberate. "Even though she said I could water the lawn, since it's dying, now I can't water the lawn, because it violates some…" His hand clenches to a fist by his side. "Like, contractor agreement thing?"

"Oh, don't worry about that, honey!" Bill exclaims, with a perfect nineteen fifties voice - he's got that in the bag. "I'm sure it'll all work ou-"

"Except," Pine Tree strides in, planting hands on Bill's armchair, and staring him right in the face. "We're also getting fined for every day that the lawn is dead."

Bill can't help it. He snorts, face scrunching up. A full catch-22! Linda's got another thing coming, eventually. Once they track down this monster.

But hey! Bill can understand sadism, and contractual bullshit! If only Pine Tree wasn't around, he'd have made the trap appropriately lethal.

"Aw, rough day, huh?" Bill sets his pipe down, patting his husband on the shoulder. "Don't worry, honey, we'll-"

And Pine Tree yanks him forward. Gripping Bill's smoking jacket so tight that he hauls him nearly out of his chair. Bill blinks.

"If you call me 'honey' again," He mutters. "I'm going to murder you."

Bill can't stop his laugh this time, and as his cute little mortal rattles him back and forth -

Oh thank chaos, Pine Tree's the one broke first.

"Bill? This sucks." Pine Tree insists, teeth gritted. Shaking Bill harder now. He searches for words, he splutters - one hand waves at the air. "How does anyone live like this?"

Ha! Maybe now he gets how great he has it. No bureaucracy ! No trying to hide what you are from jerks who think magic is 'wrong'! No suburban life, no lawncare, and no rules!

Bill's mortal has too many hangups. You can explode any problem if you want to!

Pity he's not willing to do it with Linda.

"Hell if I know!" Bill exclaims, and surges up. He heaves out a breath, scratching at his neck. "Bullshit magical prejudice. Don't worry, kid!" He pats his husband on the back. "We'll get out of here in no time."

The monster that's preying on these mortals can't hide much longer. Once that's solved, Bill's contingency will kick in. And then -

"No, I found the vampire," Pine Tree says, half distracted. Bill does a double-take. What, he didn't mention that first? "I just, uh."

Bill wags a hand. Prompting.

And Pine Tree shrugs. Offering up an awkward smile. He rubs the back of his neck. "I…. kinda rigged her septic tank to blow once we got out of here."

Bill tugs him closer, beaming now. "Now that's a nice move!" He tucks his hands under Pine Tree's arms, but the human squirms away before he can pick him up. "It's what, a vicinity based setup?" A quick nod, and he grins wider. "Clever trick, kid." "I'd... ask if that's too much, but knowing you, it's not." Bill's cute little mortal punches him, adorably, in the stomach.

"Pfft, nah, that's nothing," Bill nudges him, and grins. Pine Tree's not the only guy who's heard some comments. "You should see what I set up for her house."

#Written in about fifteen minutes so sorry for any really dumb shit or typos #Queuing this for later #I'm going to sleep for five years now #Okay it was more like twentyfive if you count some edits #This is only one example but you KNOW they both hated that shit #SO boring #Dipper probably enjoyed the domesticity for like #Eight hours #Until it started weirding him out #And Bill just got FULL into his role #But if Dipper didn't break he was like within six hours of doing so #Less than half a day for full-on stir-crazy demon NEEDING some chaos #Good thing you solved it first Dipper or there wouldn't have been much of a neighborhood after #Arguably a good thing depending on who lived there #Nah they probably had some really nice neighbors nearby who brought them like #A pineapple upsidedown cake and welcomed them warmly #Bill would have spared them/their house because he has a special like for upside down desserts #Also because Dipper would have been mad at him if he hadn't #Neither of these two do well in perfectly suburban environments #Getting bored out of their skulls without some mystery or monsters or drama #The only result would be that one of them would create it #answers #Sorry for the dumb bullshit