#Tim's POV in 5x04

[chenfordspiral]

feels like there's oceans between you and me

chapter 4 - 5x04 || there will come a day when we will find our way – why don’t we start from here 

Over the next week, Tim realizes that he was absolutely right. It does not stop hurting any less. Distracting himself with Ashley only works so well, and even spending a day with Genny and his nephews only helps until he’s back home. Because then he’s alone with his thoughts again. 

He does not like it. 

Leaving him alone with nothing but his thoughts cannot lead to anything good. 

Because his mind keeps going back to Lucy. It’s always Lucy. It’s like he can’t escape her, no matter what he does. Apparently absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Which is weird, because they still see each other every day. But it’s just not the same as before. Because they barely talk. And he never thought he’d say this, but he misses her non-stop talking. 

Not that Aaron doesn’t talk, despite Tim’s continued protests about the shop being a personal life free zone. But the guy’s just not Lucy. He’d gotten used to her talking his ear off, had actually started to appreciate it. And its absence is still as weird and unsettling as it had been over two months ago. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it. 

It’d be easier if they talked outside of work, but… they’re not. Even their work interactions are minimal these days. 

Then comes along the day when Bailey almost dies. And of course it’s Rosalind. And of course his fear comes back tenfold. 

They’re trying to figure out how to get Bailey out of that… thing when Nolan wants to talk to him. They’re soon joined by Harper and Lopez, and eventually Lucy as well. And he can’t help himself. He needs to check for himself that she’s okay. He can’t ask, but he keeps glancing at her, trying to see her reaction. 

And he doesn’t necessarily like what he sees. She might seem fine on the outside, but her eyes tell a different story. If he didn’t know her as well as he does, he might not even see the change in her. Might not even see that she’s trying her hardest not to let it affect her too much. 

And it does funny things to his heart to hear her say she wants to stay with Bailey. Because she knows what it’s like to be completely alone with no way out unless someone finds a way to help her. And it’s very Lucy to want to make sure that no one else has to experience anything even close to what she went through. 

God, he adores her. 

And then Nolan disappears. Because of course Rosalind would get him away from this for whatever reason. Nolan wouldn’t leave if he absolutely didn’t have another choice, so he assumes the worst. And sitting next to Lucy in the same shop is… as comforting as it is concerning. Comforting because it’s the closest they’ve been in a long time, concerning because they’re, well, dealing with Rosalind and her games. Again. And all he wants to do is protect her from this. 

Is heart skips a beat when Lucy turns to him when Bailey asks where Nolan is. He doesn’t want to read too much into it, but maybe, just maybe, he can still offer some sort of reassurance and comfort for her. And he’s glad she’s asking, even if it’s not with words. Especially because it’s not with words. 

He listens to Lucy and Juarez talk to Bailey, trying to keep her as calm as possible while he supervises the firefighters and their attempt to find a place to loosen the floorboards. His gaze inevitably drifts to Lucy again, making sure she’s okay. Yes, thank you, he knows she can handle herself, of course he does. But he worries. No matter what, he will always worry about her. 

He turns his gaze away as she turns to look at him. Not because he doesn’t want to keep reassuring himself, but because he can’t let her see how much this is affecting him. He’s not the one being faced with trauma again, it’s Lucy. But he’ll never forget the day when he thought he’d lost her forever. 

When the firefighters have eventually managed to saw a whole in the floor that’s big enough to fit a human, he doesn’t hesitate to take off his duty belt to be the one to go down. He calls Lucy over, but before he can even say anything, she says she’ll do it.  

Over his dead body. No way is he risking anything here. If there are more traps, he’ll gladly be the one to walk into them if it means keeping Lucy out of harm’s way. She is of course not happy, but reluctantly accepts. 

He can’t help but look at her when they lower him down into the unknown. If this is the last thing he does, he wants her to be the last thing, the last person he sees. He’s a little surprised to see her gaze firmly set on him, but he’s relieved to know that he’s not the only one affected by this. And that he can look into her eyes as he prepares himself for whatever greets him on the other side.  

No, they haven’t really been talking much lately, and everything that had happened between them since their practice kiss remains unsaid, like a shadow looming over them. But at least they’re starting to find their way again, even if it’s because they have to, to try and save Bailey. But it’s a start. 

They somehow manage to get Bailey out of that contraption, but she’s not breathing when Juarez pulls her out. He’s not there for any of it, but he later learns that it was Lucy who did CPR on her. And it somehow feels a little like a full circle moment. Lucy surviving what Caleb did, and now she’s beating Rosalind again by saving Bailey. 

He's not usually one to think about things like that, but it’s Lucy. And everything is different with her. 

When they pull up to the house Rosalind led Nolan to and they see that she’s finally dead and can’t cause any more trauma, it feels a little too easy. Not real, like Lucy says. He knows his tone isn’t as gentle as it could be if things were different with them, but he has to at least try and pretend that he doesn’t want to take her in his arms and never let go. 

He hopes Rosalind’s death will help Lucy in whatever way it can. He knows she’ll never totally move on from what she went through, no one could, but now both people who tried to break her are dead. Maybe it’ll help her find a little more peace. He knows it’ll help him. 

He doesn’t have much more time to think about it before the Feds come along and he’s whisked away from everyone else to show Acres and Stensen the basement of the house Rosalind had set up. And Stensen’s comment about being who he is because of his childhood doesn’t exactly help calm him down. As if the day hadn’t been bad enough already. 

After shift, he manages to catch Lucy in the parking lot before she heads home. He’s not sure what he wants to say, and if she even wants to talk to him. But he just wants to make sure she’s really okay. She hesitates before she answers, gaze fixated on a point somewhere behind him as she contemplates what to say. 

If she’s surprised that he’s asking, she’s hiding it well. Eventually she says she thinks she will be, maybe not today, but someday. He supposes it’s the most she can say right now while she’s still trying to make sense of it all. He so desperately wishes he could help her through this somehow. 

But he’s not sure what’s allowed anymore. Before, he might’ve asked if she maybe needed a hug, or offered to talk it out with her, go get a drink, or whatever she wanted. Now though? He stands before her in awkward silence, not knowing what to say. He wants to tell her to let him know if she needed anything, but he doesn’t. He hopes she knows it anyway. Hopes she knows that, despite everything, he’ll always be there for her if she asks. And even if she doesn’t.

So he offers her a small smile, and wishes her a good night. The soft murmur of her voice as she echoes his words has his heart skipping a beat before they go their separate ways. The entire drive home to his house, he debates whether he should’ve said more, made sure she really knew she could always ask if she needed something. But he also doesn’t want to force himself into her life. 

He told her to move on for a reason, he reminds himself. He has to keep his distance. But it’s hard to just pretend to not care. But at least the fear has died down considerably now that Rosalind is dead. 

When he opens his front door a while after he’s been home, a tiny part of him thinks it’s Lucy. For just a second, his treacherous heart has him hoping, wishing before it drops at the sight of Ashley. Damn it. He is so not in the mood for this. 

She starts talking and doesn’t stop. He tries to listen, really, he does. But is mind stops at Whole30. What the hell is Whole30?! 

Seriously, he does not need to diet. What in the world is she thinking? But then she tells him that Jerry’s been having heart trouble lately, and he feels like an idiot again. Not only had he not realized that he’d apparently been struggling, but he’d paid little to no attention to him or Ashley. 

So what else can he do but comply? 

But he wants to be with Lucy, not here with a girlfriend who continues to annoy him, for lack of better word. But he’s a grown ass adult, he can break things off if he wants to. He doesn’t have to always do as she pleases. But he’s had this argument with himself before. And nothing’s changed since then. 

So, a shitty end to a shitty day it is. 

The only bright spot is that he and Lucy are slowly finding their footing again. Because apparently no matter how much time they spend apart, they will somehow always manage to fall into a familiar rhythm with each other when they work together. 

And he’s grateful for that. Because it means that they might just be able to find their back to being friends again, if nothing else. 

And it’s more than he can hope for at this point. 

#chapter 4 #Tim's POV in 5x04 #feels like there’s oceans between you and me #mychenfordstories