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chenfordspiral · 10 months

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the scratches gave us away

It’s the end of a long, albeit boring, shift when Tim finally manages to head to the locker room and change out of his uniform. He takes off his duty belt that’s been pretty much unnecessary for the past two days, and hangs it in his locker. Then he removes badge, name tag, and his pen from his shirt, puts it all down in his locker as well, and takes off the uniform shirt.

He changes into jeans first, then takes off the white undershirt. He doesn’t think much of it - nothing, actually - until he hears Aaron’s surprised exclamation.

“Woah, Sarge. You okay?”

“What? Why?”

“Your back. You got.. scratches all over.”

Realization hits for Tim. Damn it, Lucy.

“Oh, uh. Yeah. That’s nothing. Just.. from a take down.”

“At your desk? Not to mention that your vest would prevent it. I mean, how would that even..?”

“It’s possible.”

“No?”

“Just drop it, Thorsen.”

Nolan walks over to them, seeing Aaron’s puzzled expression

“Everything okay, Aaron?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m just..” he trails off.

He looks back at Tim, still shirtless, still with his back turned toward Aaron - and now Nolan - and tilts his head as he tries to figure out what the hell is going on with his former boss. Nolan follows his line of sight.

“Ooh. How did that happen?”

Aaron is quick to shush him, so Tim doesn’t hear they’re talking about him. He whispers his answer.

“Take down. Apparently.”

“He’s been working a desk job for two days.”

“Exactly. I don’t get it.”

“You know, this kind of reminds me of that one time when B- oh dear god.”

He turns away, swallowing hard. Aaron still looks puzzled as he turns toward Nolan.

“What? What does it remind you of?”

“You don’t wanna know.”

“I kinda do.”

“Nope.”

“Come on. Just.. gimme a hint.”

“It’s from a… physical activity.”

“Well, that’s vague.”

“Just think about it for a moment.”

He turns away, slightly shuddering as he opens his locker to change out. Aaron is left standing there, staring into nothingness as he tries to figure it out. Then it clicks.

“Oh, dear god.”

“Told ya. Gotta admit, I didn’t know he was seeing someone again.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Aaron agrees quietly, wheels turning in his head already.

There’s only one person in this world Tim would wanna date right now. Only one person he’d take a freaking desk job for. He’s had his suspicions before, but this is basically proof. He turns back around to face Tim, who is now dressed — finally.

“Hey Sarge?”

Tim turns around.

“Mh?”

“Tell her hi from me. And that I'm happy for you two,” he says as he closes his locker, ready to leave.

“What are yo-? Who?”

“You know who,” he responds teasingly as he walks away. “Good night.”

Both Tim and Nolan stare after him.

“What’s he talking about?”

“Nothing. No one. Nothing. See ya.”

“See ya? That was weird,” he mumbles, focusing on changing into civvies.

—

On his way out, Aaron runs into Angela and Nyla in the bullpen. Both look at him in interest when they see his grin.

“What’s got you so smiley, Aaron?”

“Oh, nothing. Just… finally got confirmation about something I already kind of knew about. And I’m equal parts ecstatic, and horrified.”

“Care to share with the group?”

“I would, but I’d like to not get killed.”

“Aaron!”

He visibly flinches at the sound of Tim’s voice behind him. He turns to see his former boss approaching him with sure steps, but he sees the moment Tim realizes that he’s not alone, and watches as his expression changes as he takes in Angela and Nyla’s interested gazes.

“Oh. Lopez, Harper.”

“Tim,” they say simultaneously.

He hesitates for a moment, debating how to continue without raising even more suspicion. Aaron may not have outright said that he knew about him and Lucy, but the implication was heavy. He remembers the way he’d said that Lucy would kill him if he let anything happen to him, so. Oh, hell. He’d always known, hadn’t he?

“Can I talk to you for a moment?”

But Aaron never got to answer.

“Oh, no. I think we’d like to be here for.. whatever this is,” Angela replies with a smug grin.

Does she know, too? What had Aaron already told them?

“Yeah, I’d really like to know what’s got you so… huffy.”

He glares at Harper.

“Nothing.”

“Mh-mh. Oh, did he grill you about why you’re suddenly working a desk job? Because we’re all wondering, Timothy. Something you wanna tell us?”

“No.”

He turns to leave, but not before sending another death glare toward Aaron, narrowing his eyes in warning, as if to say I will kill you if you tell anyone. Aaron’s grin fell, but he couldn’t hide his smile. He really wasn’t afraid of him anymore.

Just then Nolan comes from the direction of the locker rooms, pointedly avoiding Tim’s gaze as he walks passed them all. He throws a good nightover this shoulder before quickly leaving the station.

“Okay, and now Nolan can’t look you in the eye anymore? What the hell did you do?”

Tim’s glare intensifies again.

“Nothing!”

“Oh, Nolan and I just saw all the scratches on Tim’s back and came to a disturbing conclusion,” Aaron pipes up, seemingly unaware of what he’d just said.

Tim, Angela, and Nyla all look at him as if he’d grown a second head. Registering the eery silence around him, Aaron turns his gaze back toward the three senior officers. Then it clicks. Whoops.

“I gotta go. Bye,” he says quickly, spinning on his heels and practically sprinting away from them. He could still feel the daggers Tim was shooting at him with his eyes on his back.

Before either of the three could say anything, Celina and Lucy come their way, talking and smiling together. And both Nyla and Angela look on, fascinated, seeing the immediate change in Tim. One look at Lucy, and his scowl is gone. Vanished. Instead, there’s a soft smile on his lips, a sparkle in his eyes.

Lucy notices the three of them standing in the middle of the bullpen together and frowns, but says hi with a smile anyway.

“Hey. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, we were just asking Tim here, who always swore he would never ever leave Patrol, is suddenly our new Court Liaison Sergeant.”

Tim shoots Angela a glare, because that is not what they had been talking about.

“Oh. Um-” Lucy stutters, eyes locking with Tim's.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Celina chimes in, gaining everyone’s attention.

“I, uh, I mean. You can’t date someone in the same chain of command right? So, I-” she stutters, suddenly realizing that she’s talking to four senior officers.

“I just noticed a change in your au- you know what. Never mind. Maybe I should go home now. Good night.”

A second later, she’s gone. Tim and Lucy look at each other, while Angela and Nyla can only stare. It’s Angela who speaks up first.

“Oh, my god. It finally happened, didn’t it?”

“What finally happened?”

“You two,” she hissed back at him.

“What about us two?”

“Oh, come on! You’ve been smiling like an idiot for weeks now. Both of you have, actually. Then you leaving Patrol, taking a desk job. How did I not see this sooner? And why did you not tell me?!”

She punches him in the shoulder.

“Okay, ouch. And can we maybe not talk about this here? Not everybody needs to know.”

Angela and Nyla gape at him. Lucy presses her lips together in an attempt to hide her grin as well as her surprise that Tim didn’t even try to deny it.

“Wait. You- you’re not denying it? Oh! Aw, oh my god, I wanna hug you two so badly right now. But, oh. Ew. Ew. That means the thing Aaron was talking about was Luc- oh, I need to go. But we will talk about this later, Timothy!”

She makes gagging noises before she turns toward her desk to retrieve her bag.

“I second that thing about needing to leave. But I’m happy you two finally got your heads out of your asses. I do hope you know not to take this lightly, given why and how you met and all that.”

Lucy shakes her head.

“We’re not. We- we know. But thanks.”

“Good. It’s good to see you both happy. See you tomorrow.”

With that, Tim and Lucy are the only ones still standing in the bullpen. They share a look and fall into step beside each other, heading out.

“Soo. Everybody knows now?”

“Seems like it, yeah. I know this isn’t how we planned on telling anyone, but-”

“Tim, it’s fine. They were bound to find out soon, anyway. With HR and IA wanting to do interviews..”

He hums his agreement.

“What exactly did Angela mean when she said that’s what Aaron was talking about, by the way.”

“Oh, um.”

He chuckles as he opens the door that leads to the parking lot.

“Well. Apparently somebody-”

He looks at Lucy pointedly before he continues.

“-dug her nails into my back a little too much, and left a few scratches.”

“Oh, my god. What?! No, I didn’t. Oh, no. And he saw that?”

“Mh-mh. And so did Nolan.”

“Oh, god he knows, too?”

“No. He hasn’t had a front row seat to this the way Aaron did. And then he practically ran out the station right after, so.”

“Wait, so now Angela and Nyla know that was me? That we’re-?”

“Yup. You know they would know about that once we'd told them, anyway, right?”

“I know. But.. it’s different knowing they know, and knowing they know, you know?”

“Uh.. sure?”

He looks at her befuddled, trying to decipher that last sentence. If Lucy weren’t so mortified about the fact that their friends knew she’d left scratch marks all over Tim’s back, she’d laugh at the confused look on his face.

“Oh, god. They didn’t see, did they?”

“No, that was only Aaron and Nolan.”

Lucy sighs. Tim’s expression changes, his look no longer annoyed.

“But, you know. Is it wrong to feel a little smug about it?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, you’re leaving scratches on me, so clearly you’re enjoying yourself.”

Lucy blushes, but grins a moment later, chuckling.

“Oh, I’m definitely enjoying myself,” she drawls, looking him directly in the eye with nothing but desire, then dropping her gaze to his crotch before heading over to the passenger side of Tim’s truck.

Mouth agape, rendered speechless, Tim stares after her as he feels all his blood rush south.

"That's good to know," he says quietly once he finds his voice again.

Yeah, tonight was going to be fun.

—

And while their friends now officially knew they were together, it was a whole other thing to know. And the smug grin on Tim’s face whenever he knew that Lucy had left marks on him did not help. Not one single bit.

#mychenfordstories #canon compliant - set between 5x12 and 5x13 #or not - because 5x13 is very vague #choose whichever you prefer haha

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chenfordspiral · 11 months

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feels like there's oceans between you and me

chapter 4 - 5x04 || there will come a day when we will find our way – why don’t we start from here

Over the next week, Tim realizes that he was absolutely right. It does not stop hurting any less. Distracting himself with Ashley only works so well, and even spending a day with Genny and his nephews only helps until he’s back home. Because then he’s alone with his thoughts again.

He does not like it.

Leaving him alone with nothing but his thoughts cannot lead to anything good.

Because his mind keeps going back to Lucy. It’s always Lucy. It’s like he can’t escape her, no matter what he does. Apparently absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Which is weird, because they still see each other every day. But it’s just not the same as before. Because they barely talk. And he never thought he’d say this, but he misses her non-stop talking.

Not that Aaron doesn’t talk, despite Tim’s continued protests about the shop being a personal life free zone. But the guy’s just not Lucy. He’d gotten used to her talking his ear off, had actually started to appreciate it. And its absence is still as weird and unsettling as it had been over two months ago. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it.

It’d be easier if they talked outside of work, but… they’re not. Even their work interactions are minimal these days.

Then comes along the day when Bailey almost dies. And of course it’s Rosalind. And of course his fear comes back tenfold.

They’re trying to figure out how to get Bailey out of that… thing when Nolan wants to talk to him. They’re soon joined by Harper and Lopez, and eventually Lucy as well. And he can’t help himself. He needs to check for himself that she’s okay. He can’t ask, but he keeps glancing at her, trying to see her reaction.

And he doesn’t necessarily like what he sees. She might seem fine on the outside, but her eyes tell a different story. If he didn’t know her as well as he does, he might not even see the change in her. Might not even see that she’s trying her hardest not to let it affect her too much.

And it does funny things to his heart to hear her say she wants to stay with Bailey. Because she knows what it’s like to be completely alone with no way out unless someone finds a way to help her. And it’s very Lucy to want to make sure that no one else has to experience anything even close to what she went through.

God, he adores her.

And then Nolan disappears. Because of course Rosalind would get him away from this for whatever reason. Nolan wouldn’t leave if he absolutely didn’t have another choice, so he assumes the worst. And sitting next to Lucy in the same shop is… as comforting as it is concerning. Comforting because it’s the closest they’ve been in a long time, concerning because they’re, well, dealing with Rosalind and her games. Again. And all he wants to do is protect her from this.

Is heart skips a beat when Lucy turns to him when Bailey asks where Nolan is. He doesn’t want to read too much into it, but maybe, just maybe, he can still offer some sort of reassurance and comfort for her. And he’s glad she’s asking, even if it’s not with words. Especially because it’s not with words.

He listens to Lucy and Juarez talk to Bailey, trying to keep her as calm as possible while he supervises the firefighters and their attempt to find a place to loosen the floorboards. His gaze inevitably drifts to Lucy again, making sure she’s okay. Yes, thank you, he knows she can handle herself, of course he does. But he worries. No matter what, he will always worry about her.

He turns his gaze away as she turns to look at him. Not because he doesn’t want to keep reassuring himself, but because he can’t let her see how much this is affecting him. He’s not the one being faced with trauma again, it’s Lucy. But he’ll never forget the day when he thought he’d lost her forever.

When the firefighters have eventually managed to saw a whole in the floor that’s big enough to fit a human, he doesn’t hesitate to take off his duty belt to be the one to go down. He calls Lucy over, but before he can even say anything, she says she’ll do it.

Over his dead body. No way is he risking anything here. If there are more traps, he’ll gladly be the one to walk into them if it means keeping Lucy out of harm’s way. She is of course not happy, but reluctantly accepts.

He can’t help but look at her when they lower him down into the unknown. If this is the last thing he does, he wants her to be the last thing, the last person he sees. He’s a little surprised to see her gaze firmly set on him, but he’s relieved to know that he’s not the only one affected by this. And that he can look into her eyes as he prepares himself for whatever greets him on the other side.

No, they haven’t really been talking much lately, and everything that had happened between them since their practice kiss remains unsaid, like a shadow looming over them. But at least they’re starting to find their way again, even if it’s because they have to, to try and save Bailey. But it’s a start.

They somehow manage to get Bailey out of that contraption, but she’s not breathing when Juarez pulls her out. He’s not there for any of it, but he later learns that it was Lucy who did CPR on her. And it somehow feels a little like a full circle moment. Lucy surviving what Caleb did, and now she’s beating Rosalind again by saving Bailey.

He's not usually one to think about things like that, but it’s Lucy. And everything is different with her.

When they pull up to the house Rosalind led Nolan to and they see that she’s finally dead and can’t cause any more trauma, it feels a little too easy. Not real, like Lucy says. He knows his tone isn’t as gentle as it could be if things were different with them, but he has to at least try and pretend that he doesn’t want to take her in his arms and never let go.

He hopes Rosalind’s death will help Lucy in whatever way it can. He knows she’ll never totally move on from what she went through, no one could, but now both people who tried to break her are dead. Maybe it’ll help her find a little more peace. He knows it’ll help him.

He doesn’t have much more time to think about it before the Feds come along and he’s whisked away from everyone else to show Acres and Stensen the basement of the house Rosalind had set up. And Stensen’s comment about being who he is because of his childhood doesn’t exactly help calm him down. As if the day hadn’t been bad enough already.

After shift, he manages to catch Lucy in the parking lot before she heads home. He’s not sure what he wants to say, and if she even wants to talk to him. But he just wants to make sure she’s really okay. She hesitates before she answers, gaze fixated on a point somewhere behind him as she contemplates what to say.

If she’s surprised that he’s asking, she’s hiding it well. Eventually she says she thinks she will be, maybe not today, but someday. He supposes it’s the most she can say right now while she’s still trying to make sense of it all. He so desperately wishes he could help her through this somehow.

But he’s not sure what’s allowed anymore. Before, he might’ve asked if she maybe needed a hug, or offered to talk it out with her, go get a drink, or whatever she wanted. Now though? He stands before her in awkward silence, not knowing what to say. He wants to tell her to let him know if she needed anything, but he doesn’t. He hopes she knows it anyway. Hopes she knows that, despite everything, he’ll always be there for her if she asks. And even if she doesn’t.

So he offers her a small smile, and wishes her a good night. The soft murmur of her voice as she echoes his words has his heart skipping a beat before they go their separate ways. The entire drive home to his house, he debates whether he should’ve said more, made sure she really knew she could always ask if she needed something. But he also doesn’t want to force himself into her life.

He told her to move on for a reason, he reminds himself. He has to keep his distance. But it’s hard to just pretend to not care. But at least the fear has died down considerably now that Rosalind is dead.

When he opens his front door a while after he’s been home, a tiny part of him thinks it’s Lucy. For just a second, his treacherous heart has him hoping, wishing before it drops at the sight of Ashley. Damn it. He is so not in the mood for this.

She starts talking and doesn’t stop. He tries to listen, really, he does. But is mind stops at Whole30. What the hell is Whole30?!

Seriously, he does not need to diet. What in the world is she thinking? But then she tells him that Jerry’s been having heart trouble lately, and he feels like an idiot again. Not only had he not realized that he’d apparently been struggling, but he’d paid little to no attention to him or Ashley.

So what else can he do but comply?

But he wants to be with Lucy, not here with a girlfriend who continues to annoy him, for lack of better word. But he’s a grown ass adult, he can break things off if he wants to. He doesn’t have to always do as she pleases. But he’s had this argument with himself before. And nothing’s changed since then.

So, a shitty end to a shitty day it is.

The only bright spot is that he and Lucy are slowly finding their footing again. Because apparently no matter how much time they spend apart, they will somehow always manage to fall into a familiar rhythm with each other when they work together.

And he’s grateful for that. Because it means that they might just be able to find their back to being friends again, if nothing else.

And it’s more than he can hope for at this point.

#chapter 4 #Tim's POV in 5x04 #feels like there’s oceans between you and me #mychenfordstories

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chenfordspiral · 10 months

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feels like there's oceans between you and me

chapter 8 - 5x08 || and our souls, they blend

His day starts off as any other day. Excited to go to work, but dreading having to stay away from Lucy while simultaneously being a bit relieved that he has to stay away from her. Yes, he realizes he’s not making much sense.

But then his shift doesn’t exactly start off the way he expected it to. He doesn’t think much of it when Grey tells him Aaron would be with Lopez and Harper for the day. He could handle himself alone for a shift. But then he has the glorious idea to assign Lucy as his temporary gofer. And he panics. Seeing Lucy every day was difficult enough. But having to spend an entire shift with her in the same shop, where there’s barely three feet of space between them?

He's not looking forward to that.

Yes, he wants to spend all of his time with Lucy. But he can’t. Because she doesn’t feel for him what he feels for her. As painful as that distance between them currently is, it’s probably what’s best for both of them.

Then again, the distance hasn’t exactly done him any good, either. All it’s done so far is remind him how dull his life has become without her. How much he misses her. How much he craves to just talk to her the way he so easily could before Vegas. All it’s done is remind him that distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder. Because he’s fallen even more in love with her.

But he can’t say any of that to Grey. So he has no excuse, they have no excuse. He has to accept it. Has to accept another day of pretending that this, that he is totally fine. Because just standing in front of her has him speechless. He doesn’t really know how to act around her anymore, at least not when they’re alone. It’s awkward. Just awkward.

He takes a moment to gather his thoughts, to calm himself down, to prepare himself for a day of awkwardness while Lucy gets the war bags. It doesn’t exactly help.

And it goes exactly the way he expected it to at first. With uncomfortable and awkward silence. He doesn’t know what to do or say, so he just keeps quiet. He expects her to break the silence at some point, because she’s usually the one talking in the shop. And she does, eventually. Asks him how single life’s going. He gives her an answer that is only partially true. Because yes, it is good that he’s no longer in a relationship with Ashley, but he can’t really say that he's happy he’s single.

But at least they’re talking. And as she teases him for not going out much, it comes so very close to their usual banter that his heart instantly feels a little lighter.

But then her phone rings, and Sanford kills the mood – again. And he can’t help but be nosy. Damn it. He doesn’t want to be, but he takes a glance or two at her phone anyway. If only to make sure he’s hearing right. They’re considering buying a house? Oh, no. Please no. It’s worse enough to know they’re together, but this? He hadn’t realized they were this serious. But when he asks Lucy, who’d asked Sanford if they could talk about it later, she still doesn’t seem all that enthusiastic about the idea. Not the way her boyfriend did. Who had told her he loved her, but she’d hung up faster than the speed of light. He doesn’t really know what to make of that.

She says no at first, then changes and corrects her answer to she doesn’t know*.* And oh. Sanford had just basically blindsided her with it that morning? And he’s already actively looking at houses? Had she even agreed to this? They were happy, right? Why did she seem so against the idea?

Somehow, he doesn’t believe her when she says they’re super happy. He might believe her, if she hadn’t hung up on the guy and had actually said those words back, and didn’t immediately reach to fiddle with her duty belt as she says it. Something she always did when she felt overwhelmed and uncomfortable. He’s pretty sure she’s always done that, but the frequency of it happening had increased after Caleb. So he knows this is serious. He wishes more than anything that he could take that pain away from her.

Before he can ask more questions, they’re interrupted by dispatch with a call to an in-progress vandalism event.

A call that turns out to be very, very confusing. For several reasons. How are these two people together? And why would they smash each other’s cars instead of talking it out like normal human beings? And then they’re… okay. Apparently it’s time to go now.

But the day doesn’t get better. It gets worse. Because Nolan and Juarez pull over a woman who has a bomb strapped around her neck.

He and Lucy manage to find a wide enough space to get Pam to drive there so the bomb squad can disarm the bomb. But it all goes to hell. Because, as he learns after Pam is killed, the bomb had a timer. He’s seen many things in his years on the force, and before that in the Army, but it will never not be disturbing to have to witness someone die right in front of him.

And he wonders, just like Lucy – who would do something like this? And why?

He wants to offer comforting words when Lucy wonders about how Pam must’ve felt during the last few minutes before she died. But he knows it wouldn’t really help. So he goes for the more rational side of it all – trying to understand the reasoning behind those actions.

And of course, Mister Sanford has to call again. And at first, he’s actually relieved that he’s calling to ask and see how Lucy’s doing. But then… several alarm bells go off in his head when he has the audacity to talk about putting an offer on a house because he has connections.

Is it wrong of him to want to punch the guy through the screen? It doesn’t take a genius to see that Lucy’s clearly not in the mood to talk about buying houses, or even moving in.

He wonders why she’s still with the guy. Because prior to today, he thought she was happy with him, but this… this doesn’t look like happiness. So why are they still together? She deserves to be with someone who doesn’t try to pressure her into doing something she’s so clearly not ready for. Or even willing to think about on a day like today. Someone who notices that something is wrong.

What the hell is Sanford’s problem? Does he really think this is how he’ll get her to agree to anything? He has to stop this, because Lucy is obviously beyond uncomfortable but doesn’t seem to want to tell him to just shut up. His heart skips a beat when she turns to look at him with desperation in her eyes. So he does the only thing he knows that he can do right now.

Bark an order.

But even he can hear that it’s lost a lot – all – of the toughness from their early days. No matter how much he tries, he can’t talk to her like that anymore. Because she’s not just Officer Chen, or even Chen anymore. She’s Lucy. The kindhearted, empathic ball of sunshine that he fell in love with. The woman who, without even trying, became his favorite person on the face of the earth, stealing his heart along the way. What is happening to him?

But it gets the job done, and Sanford takes the hint. He’s not even bothered that the guy comments about his mood. He knows it’s not true anyway. And Lucy seems to, as well. Because she turns to look at him and thanks him. He nods and offers a little smile. Because she really doesn’t need to thank him. He’ll always have her back and will always try to protect her from anything or anyone who tries to hurt her.

He knows that it might sound like he doesn’t trust her to take care of herself, but that’s not it at all. He just can’t not try to protect the people he loves. It’s something so deeply ingrained into who he is… he knows he can never really make that go away. And he wants her to know that she’s not alone. No matter what, he’ll be there for her, whether she needs him or not.

They ride in semi-comfortable silence for a while before Lucy reaches for her phone again, likely looking through whatever Sanford’s been texting her all day. And he just can’t keep quiet.

Just tell the guy you don’t wanna move in with him, Lucy. It’s that simple. But not for her. Because she just doesn’t know why she doesn’t want to move in with him. Claims they’re great together, that Sanford is great (he has his doubts – because a great guy wouldn’t bother his girlfriend with something she’s not ready for on today of all days), and that they never fight.

Well, that could be a problem. How is a relationship really supposed to work if you never disagree on things? He knows it won’t. He rarely tried to disagree with Ashely after a while because just letting her do what she wanted was easier than having to argue all the time. It just wasn’t worth it.

And no, a couple shouldn’t be like that… interesting one they dealt with that morning, but there should be some kind of friction. No one agrees on everything. So, do Lucy and Sanford suddenly just see eye to eye on everything, or is it like him and Ashley? Is it just not worth the bother?

And even though Lucy doesn’t answer verbally, he can see the way realization hits her. It’s not that they never disagree, it’s just not worth it. But since when does Lucy Chen shy away from an argument? He remembers how she and Sanford initially met. Remembers how she never shied away from arguing with him, either – even when she was a rookie. Especially when she was his rookie.

He wants her to be happy, and he wants her to be herself. He knows he doesn’t feel more like himself as when he’s around Lucy, and he desperately wishes that he were that person for her, too. But more importantly, she fucking deserves to be with someone who she can actually be herself with. Someone who’s worth arguing with. Someone who’s worth the effort.

And he tells her as much.

It kind of feels like he’s barring his soul to her, because she’ll always be worth the effort for him. But he can’t very well tell her that. But he can see that he’s made her think. He doesn’t know what she’s thinking about, but he can see the wheels turning in her head. He doesn’t dare hope, because simply because he’s thinking of her doesn’t mean she’s thinking of him, too.

But he wonders. If she can put in effort for him, and make him audiobooks so he could study better, stay by his side through everything that happened with Isabel, support him when he confronted his father, come to the hospital after being Acting Watch Commander all day just to keep him company, argue with him and make him see when he’s in the wrong, but doesn’t feel that way about him… what will it look like with someone she’s in love with?

But he can’t dwell on it much longer, because they’re passed by a speeder… and then he turns out to be another victim of whoever the heck is behind Pam’s death.

This day just keeps on getting better and better.

Lucy manages to get her phone to the man so they can talk to him, but when he hears that someone had been killed by a collar bomb that morning, he panics. They follow him into a residential street, and as luck would have it, there’s a gardening truck where Creighton gets a pair of garden shears and tries to cut off the collar.

Great. Does the guy have to risk everybody’s life? They make quick work to get everyone as far away from him as possible, and then he instinctively reaches for Lucy when she’s closer. Because he will always protect her. He could care less about his own safety, which is why he tries to shield her with his whole body behind the shop door.

But nothing happens. Creighton gets the bomb off his neck, but it doesn’t go off. Thank god.

He talks to the bomb squad while Lucy talks to Creighton, then goes to join her after he’s done. They figure out who’s behind the bombs, and somehow, he and Lucy fall into a familiar rhythm. They only need to exchange quick glances to know how to proceed, and it feels good knowing that they can still do this even after everything. That they can still rely on each other like this. But it also hurts. Because he’s never had this kind of easy connection with anyone before.

They eventually figure out who the third victim is. He and Lucy decide to head to Parsons’ place to see if they can find him. He takes it as a win that Lucy even tries to joke a little about picking up another pair of garden shears.

But Sanford has to interrupt again. Because of course he does. At least it’s not another FaceTime call. But the fact that he keeps sending Lucy home listings is starting to majorly piss him off. How had the guy still not understood that she didn’t want to move in, let alone buy a house with him?

He also wonders why Lucy still hasn’t outright told him that. He knows she doesn’t really know why she doesn’t want to move in, but she knows that she doesn’t want to move in. She doesn’t owe Sanford an explanation. So what’s holding her back? Does she actually love him? He doesn’t know. If she did, then she wouldn’t be so hesitant about moving in with him, would she?

So of course he has to ask her if she loves him, because it’s clear that Sanford loves her, even if he has a fun way of showing it. When she says they haven’t been dating all that long instead of really answering his question, he tells her as much. And somehow saying he loves you hurts. Because it kind of feels like he’s talking about himself.

Apparently she knows. That Sanford loves her, that is. And that she feels like she should love him back, but apparently she can’t. He tries to ignore the way his heart stutters in his chest when she talks about how great the guy is because.. well, if she can’t love a great guy, then he has no chance at all.

Because he’s not all that great, for reasons he’s thought about many times before. She just deserves better than him, it’s that easy. But his heart’s a traitor, still holding on to the littlest bit of hope.

She also deserves better than Sanford, because the guy is so fixated on what he wants that he’s totally ignoring what Lucy wants. No, she hasn’t outright said no, given the day’s events, but she also hadn’t said yes. And every interaction with the lawyer had left her uneasy. How does the guy not see that?

He can feel that there’s also something she isn’t saying, if the way she cuts herself off after he’s just not is any indication. He just doesn’t know what it is. Or why she won’t say it. All he knows is that it feels like someone’s stabbing him in the heart. Repeatedly. He so desperately wishes he could be that guy for her, he wants to be worthy of her, even when he knows he never will. She deserves the world.

The rest of the shift is pretty uneventful, at least for them. Nolan and Juarez manage to diffuse the bomb, thanks to the rookie’s good instincts, and the case is wrapped up. He and Lucy go back to patrolling, and it’s somehow weird again. They’d found a good rhythm with each other despite everything, but after their latest exchange, and with whatever she left unsaid, he feels uneasy again.

And it hurts.

After shift, he says goodbye to her, that he’ll see her tomorrow. He just needs a little room to breathe. Because as much as he now knows that Sanford ain’t the guy for her, that she’s likely just still with him because she feels like she has to, having been this close to her all day is making his heart hurt.

He missed it. Missed her. Missed being close to her. He’d always known that he’d missed her, but today it just came crashing down on him again full force. It felt good to kind of go back to their usual banter, but every interaction today was laced with something that wasn’t there before the whole doppelgänger and undercover thing.

And it’s still not the kind of closeness he wants. He doesn’t just want to be physically close to her in the shop where they can’t escape, he wants… he wants everything with her. Because he loves her.

And that makes him wonder, again… when exactly did he fall so hopelessly in love with her?

Lucy’s his person. His soulmate. But apparently, he’s not hers. And the thought that he’s finally found his person, and admitted it to himself, but that person will never see him as her person... yeah. That hurts. Because her person is still out there, waiting for her – because now he knows it’s definitely not Sanford – waiting to meet her and fall hopelessly in love with her, the same way he himself has. Only that person will get to spend the rest of their life with her while he has to sit by and watch, heartbroken that he’s doomed to stay alone forever. That he has to watch the woman he loves be happy with someone else.

But the thing is… when Lucy’s happy, he’s happy. Because he wants her to be happy, even when it’s not with him. She deserves it.

He can be happy for her and heartbroken over her at the same time, right?

But wait, hold on. Soulmates? What is happening to him?! There’s no such thing. He’s never believed in that kind of concept, had always thought it was more a wish than anything actually real. So why does he suddenly think of Lucy Chen as his soulmate?

Because that’s what she is, you idiot.

But she can’t be.

No matter the fact that no one has ever understood him the way she does. No one had ever cared for and about him the way Lucy does. No one has ever really made him feel seen before.

Spending so many hours with her in the same shop today has only solidified everything that he’d been feeling. And he feels helpless. Because there’s absolutely nothing he can do about it. Nothing he can do but be there for Lucy as a friend. If that.

He blames his confusing thoughts as to why he doesn’t immediately get in his truck and drive home, but sits down outside the station instead. He just doesn’t feel like going to his lonely house right now. At least there’s people here.

What he doesn’t expect is to have Lucy walk up to him and tell him they need to talk.

He also doesn’t know what to expect here now. Because that sentence is usually not followed by anything good. But he won’t ever say no to her when she wants to talk to him, no matter what it’s about. And, given their conversations in the shop all day, he thinks it’ll be about Sanford, and his weird taste in living locations.

But she says no. Before she can say anything else, he starts talking. Because he cannot just sit by any longer when he knows that she’s not happy. He wants to know why she’s so clearly not willing to admit that it’s not working. Why is she still with him? The only thing he can think of is guilt because of what happened with Rosalind.

And there she goes with the deflection again, makes it about him and his — admittedly — was-always-doomed-to-fail relationship with Ashley. But he’s not here to talk about himself. This isn’t about him, it’s about her. And about how she’s staying in a safe relationship instead of being honest with herself because she’s scared.

But her answer is not what he expects at all. And it kind of knocks the wind out of him. Most important relationship in her life. Does that mean what he thinks it means? Does he… does he actually have a chance? Has this been about him the whole time?

He can do nothing but stare back at her with wide eyes for a handful of moments, unable to form words. What is he supposed to say now? Is this really happening?

But then she seems to realize what she just said, because she pulls back and apologizes for saying it. No. Yes, he’s a little speechless right now, but he doesn’t ever want her to apologize for speaking her mind. And certainly never for this.

Because finally. Finally, it’s not just a dream or a wish anymore. It’s real. He’s not alone in this.

But she’s right. If they do this, and break up, there’ll be no going back. He’s had those thoughts a lot over the last few weeks. But.. what if they can make it work? It’s what he’s settled on recently – if she ever gives him any indication that she reciprocates his feelings, he’s ready to jump.

So when she takes his answer as a sign that she’s right in being scared, and says it’s not worth the risk, and they should just keep going with this weird limbo they’ve found themselves in, he’s quick to tell her that it might just be worth the risk. Because to him it is. She will always be worth it. They will be worth it. No matter what happens, it’ll be worth it.

He’s not gonna make the same mistake he did in that hotel room in Vegas all those months ago and chicken out after she seemingly rejected him with that right? This time, he takes it for what it is – fear that she’ll lose him. But she won’t, because this is worth fighting for. So he tells her.

Unless it is. Three simple words. Three simple words that apparently manage to render Lucy speechless.

Oh. So she really hadn’t known how he felt, either? He’s pretty sure he hadn’t been hiding it very well. Then again, he had told her that it was time for her to move on… but that’s not important right now.

What’s important is that Lucy seems to process his words the same way he’d needed a moment to process what she’d said. And she doesn’t seem to disagree, because she lets out a little breath and he can see the tiniest of smiles form across her lips as she stares at him. Apparently she wasn’t expecting him to say that at all.

But he can see that she’s willing to do this. He just has to make the next move.

So he gathers every ounce of courage he has, lets out a breath, and smiles. He smiles, the weight falling off his shoulders, because they’re finally here. He finds himself leaning toward her again as he’s finding his words, and then he’s finally asking her if she wants to get dinner sometime.

The next three seconds feel like a whole lifetime as he’s holding his breath, awaiting her answer. Despite everything she’d said, he’s still not confident she’ll say yes. Because he knows that it’s terrifying to put yourself and your heart out there. He just also knows that he wants this, desperately, and that they can and will make it work. He can only hope she does, too.

And then, with a smile on her face, she says yes. She says yes.

He can’t help the breathless yeah? at hearing her answer as relief that has his eyes watering floods his entire body, because this feels too good to be true. But she says yes again, chuckling, as if she’s surprised he expected anything but a yes. It sets off a flurry of butterflies in his stomach, because she sounds so sure.

But as they smile at each other, her face falls, and she says no. Oh, well that hurts. He knew it was too good to be true. But he had to try. Okay, maybe she wasn't sure after all. So.. now what? He feels a familiar pain in his chest again as he turns away from her. But he’ll accept her answer, even if it’s not what he wants. Because he’ll always let her make her own decisions.

He can’t force her into anything.

But she’s quick to assure him that that’s not what she means. She’s not saying no, she just wants to break up with Sanford first. Oh, whoops. He’d forgotten her boyfriend for a second there. His bad. But he understands, because they can’t do anything while she’s still in a relationship with someone else.

Okay then. Not the right time. He’s not sure what to do next, so he nods and moves to get up. But she stops him again, gaining his attention with a little touch to his knee, asks to ask her again. After she breaks up with Sanford.

Oh, he’s so in love with her.

It’s a deal. He’ll ask her again.

He can’t wait to do that. And to take her to dinner. Fuck. He actually gets to go on a date with her. Why does this empathetic ball of sunshine like him enough to say yes to a date with him? It feels like a dream.

It feels like… like coming home. Like something that’s been lost for so long has suddenly slipped back into place. Like he’s finally found his missing piece. Damn it, here he goes with the sappiness again. Oh, well.

He feels like a little boy with a crush as they look at each other, and he has to look away and hide his face from her when she does this little excited wiggle because it’s too much. It’s too much for his heart. It already feels like it’s about to burst out of his chest and take off with the butterflies in his stomach.

Did that really just happen? A part of him still thinks it’s too good to be true, that he’s dreaming and that soon enough, he’ll wake up, devastated that it was all just another fantasy.

But no. He can feel the sun on the side of his face. Can feel the wind just the same. Can smell the undeniable mix of something he still can’t quite put a name to but has come to associate with Lucy, and only Lucy.

This is real.

This is everything he’s wanted for a long time.

He doesn’t know how long they just sit there before they have to get up and go home, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care, because he’s sitting here with her and the promise of them. No more secrets, no more pretending, no more holding back. All cards on the table.

It’s weird saying goodbye to her, but for a different reason than just a short while earlier. It’s weird because earlier, he had to hide everything he’s feeling, but now… now she knew how he felt. She knew, and he knew how she felt. And it’s weird because he never thought they’d ever be here. It’s weird because they know how they feel, but there’s still one last obstacle in their way.

He drives home in a daze, feeling like his mind is running a million miles a minute, while simultaneously being completely blank except for one thing – Lucy. Just Lucy. It's always Lucy.

And her smile. Her laugh. Her scent. Her empathy, and honesty. Her kindness. Her beauty.

God, she was beautiful.

The way she’d looked at him with something he dares to hope was love in her eyes. The way she made him feel like a lovesick puppy, shy and bashful. How he could stare at her for hours and never get tired of looking at her.

And above all else – how she’d made his biggest dream come true.

He would finally be allowed to go on a date with her. They could finally give this a shot. And, if he had anything to say about it, he’d make sure it was his - and her - last first date. She was his future, the only person he wanted by his side.

Caught up in this intense surge of love and gratitude for her, he pulls his phone out as he sits down on the couch, and taps on their text chain. It’s been deadly silent for months now, and he can’t help but grin at the thought that that would likely change very soon. Before he could type out anything though, he sees the three dots appear, indicating that she was typing something.

A moment later, a text comes through, and if he wasn’t already head over heels in love with her, he’d definitely be now. She's everything.

I can’t wait to say yes again.

With a smile on his face, and his heart fluttering wildly in his chest, he types his answer.

Can't wait until I get to ask you again.

—

And darling, this is more than anything I felt before You’re everything that I want, but I didn’t think I’d find Someone who is worth the wait of all the years of my heartbreak But I know now I found the one I love

#chapter 8 #final chapter #Tim's POV in 5x08 #feels like there's oceans between you and me #mychenfordstories

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chenfordspiral · 11 months

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feels like there's oceans between you and me

chapter 3 - 5x03 || feels like a hurricane deep inside, and i can’t get you off my mind

The next few days pass in a blur, and all too soon, Lucy leaves for Sacramento. They don’t say goodbye; he supposes they already kind of did when he went to her apartment the week before.

But the first few days without her at his side are, for lack of better word, weird. He’d ridden with Aaron for most of the time she’d taken off to help Sanford recover, but it hadn’t been anything permanent. Thorsen had needed a new TO. Still does. So maybe he wouldn’t have ridden with Lucy anyway. But it feels more permanent now.

He tries to get his mind off Lucy and everything that had happened between them in the last few weeks by focusing on work and by forcing himself to spend more time with Ashley off duty. But no matter what they do, no matter how much he hates or likes what they’re doing together, it feels wrong. Because he wants to do those things with Lucy. Which in turn makes him feel like the biggest asshole ever.

Because Ashley is his girlfriend, and yet – he keeps fantasizing about the woman who used to be his aide. And his freaking rookie. There was a reason he’d never allowed himself to get close to any of his rookies before, but Lucy managed to worm her way into his heart regardless. He couldn’t have prevented it if he’d tried. And he tried.

Ashley doesn’t seem to notice, and if she does, she doesn’t say anything. She’s just happy whenever he does something she wants him to do. More than once, he wonders why he’s still with her at all.

They don’t have the same plans for the future. He’s not in love with her. He definitely has some sort of feelings for someone else, no matter how complicated it all is. He constantly has to do things he does not want to do. It feels more like caving to whatever it is she wants than compromising. Because she doesn’t even entertain the idea of going to a Lakers or a Rams game. She just scoffs and comes up with something else she wants to do.

But he stays. He stays despite it all. Why? He’s not entirely sure. Probably because the guilt of almost cheating on her is eating away at him. He never wanted to be anything like his father, and he hates himself for having given in. Not just because he’d almost become a cheater, but because it had fucked up his relationship with Lucy. Somehow, it all comes back to Lucy.

He doesn’t know how things would be like between them if Sanford hadn’t been on her couch, but he knows that it couldn’t have been much worse than this.

He tries not to think about it too much, and instead focuses more on getting Aaron over the finish line of his training. He’s only got a couple weeks left after all. And he’s doing well. And because Lucy isn’t here, and likely won’t be riding with him again once she gets back, he offers Aaron the spot as his gofer after his training is done about a week before Lucy is supposed to be back – not that he’s counting, or anything.

And the guy’s actually not doing too badly. But Tim’s not afraid to admit that no one will ever come close to Lucy. But she’ll never be his gofer again, no matter how much he might want that. Because he’d told her to move on. Which he simultaneously does and does not regret. Because she absolutely deserves better than being stuck as his aide, but the selfish part of him wants her back at his side. Because he misses her.

But he knows that, even after she’s back, things won’t be the same as they were before. He’s not sure they’ll ever be able to get back to what they had before.

Back to that friendship. And partnership, even if he makes it a point to make sure everybody knows that she wasn’t his partner. Yeah, he’s totally not fooling anybody. He’s never had such an easy partnership with anyone before. It’s just natural with Lucy. Or was.

He really doesn’t know what to expect when she returns. Doesn’t really know how to even talk to her. Maybe it’s best if he just tries to completely keep his distance. And yup, he hates even thinking about it. Hates that it leaves him feeling the way it does. When did he get so attached to her?

He resists the urge to contact her every single day that she’s gone. He told her to go, and no matter how much he wants to know how she’s doing, he doesn’t call or text her. He can’t. She deserves to do this without him and his need to be close to her. Deserves to move on with her career, and her life, without him. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

The day before Lucy is set to come back to Mid-Wilshire, Ashley wants to try this weird restaurant that serves very questionable food, at least in his opinion. But he indulges her, because he has to at least try to be a better boyfriend. And he doesn’t want to be alone. His mind is already full of Lucy, what would it be like if he didn’t have a girlfriend to distract himself?

Oh, he is a terrible human being.

Before he knows it, it’s the next day, and he’s back in roll call. But it’s not just like any other day. It’s the day he sees Lucy again for the first time in well over a month. And as Grey congratulates her for completing the DEA training, he can’t help but be proud. He’s so damn proud of her. And he knows it shows, but he doesn’t care.

He sees her talk to Aaron after roll call, and feels her gaze on him moments later. He can’t help but look at her. He’s not sure what she sees on his face, because he’s not sure he’s hiding his emotions all too well. She seems to feel it too. That weird energy between them. That… longing. But he doubts she feels the same kind of longing he does.

He expected this day to be weird, but it’s already starting off a little worse than he’d like it to. There are so many different feelings and emotions floating around in his mind, and heart, that he as trouble understanding any of them.

Once they get out on patrol, he tries to fight the urge to always be close to where he knows Lucy is patrolling. She’s riding alone now, and he knows she can handle it, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t worry. Trying to protect the people he cares about is one of the few things he’s good at. And no matter how much he tries, he can’t just let that urge go.

It’s good to hear her voice again in real life, even if it’s just over the radio. Speaking of which – when was the last time she’d called something in? He asks Aaron, effectively stopping his rambling about whatever, but doesn’t like his answer. How the hell had dispatch not checked in with her for hours? How had no one noticed? He just barely controls his anger as he demands to get her last known location and promises whoever is on the other end that this is not the end of it.

He tries to swallow the fear that’s trying to win over, because as much as he knows she can take care of herself… he’s terrified for her. Rosalind is still out there somewhere. And he’d never be able to forgive himself if anything happened to her.

He and Aaron make their way to an abandoned building, but she’s nowhere to be found. He calls out for her a few times before he hears her. Great. She’s locked in a walk-in freezer. The door won’t budge at first but eventually he gets it to open, and there she is. This is the closest, physically, they’ve been since that night in her hallway. But it’s short lived. Because she’d apparently used the time she’d spent locked in to go over online chats that Sanford was a part of. Why was the guy chatting with others about Rosalind?

And how the hell had he not realized he’d been chatting with the monster herself? He never liked the guy, but his distaste just grows and grows every day. Maybe he should be a little more civil and sympathetic, the guy did just almost die. But that wasn’t a reason to throw caution to the wind and talk about it all online.

He doesn’t spend much more time with Lucy, or on the case before it’s handed over to the Feds. Instead he works with Aaron on their cat fisher. He wants to ask Lucy how things are going, but he doesn’t know if she would even want him to. Her reaction to him after that freezer was… not exactly what he’d expected. She didn’t even answer when he’d asked if she was okay. Granted, she had other things in mind, but it still felt like confirmation that nothing would ever be the same between them.

Damn it, this was all still such a mess.

How were they ever supposed to move past this?

And after shift, in the quietness of his home, the fear suddenly comes back. The fear that he’d felt earlier that day when he’d noticed her absence. The terror he’d felt when for a while, he’d suspected the worst. What if it had been Rosalind and not just a freezer? What if they’d been too late? What if he hadn’t kept listening for her voice over the radio and realized she was essentially missing? What if–

He sucks in a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart. None of that had happened. She was fine. Unharmed, at least physically. His thoughts are interrupted when his phone chimes, indicating a new message. He picks it up, and sees Ashley’s name. He groans. He is so not in the mood tonight. So he makes up an excuse. Which isn’t much of an excuse as it is true – he’s had a day. And he’s tired.

Her answer sounds as reluctant over text as it would in person, and he really hates himself for stringing her along. But he can’t have who he really wants. So what if Ashely doesn’t want the kind of future he’d always envisioned for himself? He’s not getting any younger, and maybe kids just isn’t in the cards for him anymore. And Ashley’s a nice woman. He likes her – less and less each day, but that’s beside the point. So why not stay with someone who wants to be with him?

No point in breaking up with her and being alone again. He’s so tired of being alone.

But he knows, no matter how long he’s with Ashley, no matter how hard he tries, he’ll never be truly happy with her. How could he?

The heart wants what the heart wants, and his doesn’t want Ashley.

If he’s honest with himself, maybe he never truly wanted her. Now that he knows that he’s kind of got some sort of feelings for Lucy, he’s pretty sure that it didn’t start with that practice kiss. And that maybe, just maybe, he’d been trying to run away from whatever he’s been feeling for her for far longer than he’s been aware of.

Why is this all so confusing?

He feels like the same thoughts plague his mind over and over and over again. And each time, it’s still as confusing as the time before, if not more so. He’s never been good at feelings, why should this be any different? If anything, it’s even more complicated. For so many different reasons.

All he knows for sure is that he really shouldn’t be with Ashley anymore.

And that he misses Lucy. A lot.

And that every time he thinks about her, his heart feels heavy. Just like it does now.

He doesn’t expect it to stop any time soon.

#chapter 3 #feels like there's oceans between you and me #Tim's thoughts while Lucy is away between 5x02 and 5x03 and in 5x03 #mychenfordstories

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chenfordspiral · 11 months

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it never was, not with you

“What are you doing?”

“I’m keeping you company.”

He smiled, but shook his head.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I know.”

He felt his heart swell in his chest at her words. She didn’t have to do that, but she did anyway. Despite all their awkwardness in the last few months since they’d gotten back from Vegas, she was here.

After Ashley had left, Tim had been pretty sure that he’d have to spend the rest of his time in the hospital by himself. It wasn’t even that she broke up with him, it was how she did it. Right after surgery, while he was barely awake and still loopy from the anesthesia. So seeing Lucy rushing into his room about an hour later was very welcome, if not unexpected.

He couldn’t help it. Lucy showing up and staying at his bedside was just what he didn’t know he needed after the Ashley debacle. Well, he knew he wanted it, but he never would’ve asked her to do this for him. He’d specifically told Grey not to tell Lucy so she wouldn’t have to worry, so he wouldn’t be a burden, so she didn’t feel obligated to come to him.

But here she was anyway. I think I’m in love with you.

Damn it. She really needed to stop showing up every time he needed/wanted her so he could at least try to move on. Then again, he’s not sure he could ever move on from her. Or want to, that is. But he had to try. Because it was never gonna happen. She didn’t feel that way about him. Basic biology, she’d said in Vegas when he said it didn't feel like pretend and asked what it was between them.

But it was never just biology for him.

The moment her lips touched his all those months ago, he knew there was no going back. He knew that it wasn’t just a kiss between coworkers for an undercover op. Not for him. It’s like that kiss brought everything he’d been desperately trying to push down to the surface, and worse. It made him actually have to face the fact that he had feelings for Lucy. Feelings he’d been trying to bury for a while.

He was so lost in thought that he almost missed Lucy’s question.

“And you’re sure you’re gonna be okay?”

“Yeah. Doctors said I’d be as good as new in a few days.”

“I doubt they said ‘a few days’. You just had spinal surgery, that’s not nothing.”

She looked at him, daring him to contradict her. He gave in, because of course he did. It was Lucy.

“Fine, maybe not a few days. But I’ll be fine. A week or two of taking it easy, and I’ll be back to normal.”

Lucy hummed, clearly still not convinced.

“Who told you, anyway?”

“Grey.”

He shook his head, chuckling lightly.

“Should’ve known he was never gonna keep it to himself.”

“In his defense, he only told me because I asked how your surgery went.”

He just looks at her, trying to form an answer because just the knowledge that she'd cared enough to ask has him speechless. But she continues.

“I still can’t believe you told him not to tell me.”

“I told you. You had enough on your plate already.”

“Yeah, so you’ve said…”

He could tell by the tone in her voice that she wasn't happy to have been kept out of the loop. But he was only trying to do what was best for her. He understands her irritation though. If the roles were reversed, he'd definitely be pissed. So he makes her an offer.

“Would you feel better if I promised to tell you or have someone tell you next time?”

“Yes. No! There will be no ‘next time’, Tim. You’re not allowed to keep getting hurt, on duty of off.”

He smiled at her again. He couldn’t really read her anymore, hasn't been able to since Vegas. But he thought he could see and hear hints of worry, no matter how much she tried to hide it. He can do very little about that though.

“You know I can’t promise that.”

Off her look, her adds: “Okay, okay. I can promise to try.”

“Uhu. You better.”

He grinned. It felt good to talk to her like this again. He knows he’s the one who put that distance between them, but that didn’t mean he liked it. He hated it, actually. Because she’d become the most important person in his life, and he missed her. But he’d always do what was best for her. The easy smile on her face did things to him that a simple smile really shouldn’t be doing. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, she spoke again.

“You know you don’t have to stay awake, right?”

“Mh?”

“You can sleep. You don’t need to stay awake for me. And before you say anything – you can barely keep your eyes open. So sleep. You need the rest.”

He smiled. His eyes did feel incredibly heavy the longer he stayed awake. He hadn’t even realized they’d slipped closed until Lucy said he didn’t have to stay awake. But he didn’t want her to just sit there while he slept.

“You don’t need to stay, you know that, right? Especially if I’m asleep.”

“I know.”

There it was again. I know. Two simple words that held so much meaning for him. He could only hope it meant as much to her as it did to him.

“I want to,” she added so quietly he wasn’t sure he heard right. But with the way she was looking at him, he knew she’d said it. And there was that feeling in his chest again. No one had ever taken care of him and showed up for him the way Lucy always had and still does. Despite their awkwardness the last few months, she’s here.

And because she still cares, he’s pretty sure he's falling even harder now that he’s reminded of it. He couldn’t stop it if he tried. And he did try. But it’s not easy to move on from someone like Lucy. From someone who’s been there for him like no one else has. From someone who’d become the most important person in his life without him noticing. From someone he adored and admired like no one else before her.

He blames the anesthesia for not being able to keep his mind from drifting off again as he lets sleep pull him under. Doppelgängers, undercover, the kiss in her apartment, the kiss in the airplane bathroom, Rosalind, Vegas. Basic biology. He doesn’t know where reality stops, and dreams begin.

“It was never just basic biology with you…”

Lucy watched him as he let sleep pull him under, taking comfort in seeing his chest rise and fall with each breath he took, utterly relieved that he really was okay. She’d assumed the worst when Grey told her that Tim had needed emergency spinal surgery. She hadn’t even been angry when he initially told her, she was just worried about Tim. And only when she saw that he was okay when she stepped into his room did she let that irritation show.

Logically, she knew that he didn’t have to tell her, but she wanted to know. Him telling her to move on doesn’t change that. She can’t just stop caring about him. He doesn’t just magically stop being the most important person in her life. Damn it; she really needed to stop thinking of him like that. So she lets her thoughts drift a little. But then he's mumbling something in his slumber... something that takes her breath away.

“It was never just basic biology with you...”

What?

It wasn’t? Had she misread him in that hotel room? Did that mean what she hoped, and yet feared it meant? He could mean something else entirely. But… that was exactly what she had said to him in Vegas, wasn’t it? It’s gotta be about that. Oh. Oh.

Shit.

Did that mean what she thought it meant? No, surely it couldn’t. He hadn’t been talking about himself. He’d been asking her if it meant something to her. Which… it did. But there were so many other things happening all at once, she really couldn’t handle talking about what she’d felt when they kissed, when they pretended to be a couple. How real and right it had felt.

She remembers that weird look on his face after she’d said it all those months ago. That look that she couldn’t really place back then, but now… he’d looked like a kicked puppy. But no. He didn’t feel anything for her. He told her to go to UC school, to move on. He wouldn’t have said that if he’d had feelings for her, would he?

She didn’t know what to think anymore. Should she talk to him about it and ask what it meant when he woke up again? No, he'd just had surgery. Should she just ignore it? He’s asleep, after all. He didn’t even know what he said or that he said it. Oh, this was such a mess. Just when she thought she knew everything, this happens, making her head spin again. There’s only one thing she knew for sure right now. Sleep wouldn’t come easily tonight. Or any night after this.

And it's only weeks later, as they're sitting outside the station, after she'd finally revealed what she'd been so scared of the whole time, that she realizes that he had meant what he mumbled in his slumber in the hospital when he tells her unless it is.

It was never just biology for him, either.

#mychenfordstories #kind of a continuation for 5x05

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chenfordspiral · 11 months

Text

tell me we could have it all

Tim and Lucy enjoyed dancing a little longer, smiling and giggling like teenagers, as they enjoyed each other’s company. They spent the rest of the night having fun with their friends, celebrating Nyla and James’s happiness.

Eventually, people started to leave. Since the Mid-Wilshire crew had to work the next day, they too started leaving soon. Tim and Lucy were standing off to the side, enjoying one last drink together when Angela and Wesley came over.

“So, since it’s getting late, Wes and I decided to leave as well. Jack’s with Patrice, and as much as I love her, you cannot leave that woman alone with a baby for long periods of time.”

“Hey, she’s great with him.”

“I know she is, but she’s usually had enough after a few hours. Besides, Jack doesn’t go to sleep easily, so let’s just relieve her of her duties before she goes crazy.”

Wesley couldn’t argue with that. Tim took the opportunity to chime in.

“You know you can just admit that you miss him, Lopez.”

She simply glared at him for a bit before she answered.

“I hate you.”

The other three let out a collective chuckle. They all knew that Tim was right. Angela rarely admitted it, but she did miss her boy when she was separated from him while she was working.

“Whatever. We actually just came over to say goodbye, but now you won’t be getting a hug from me, Bradford.”

Tim tried to hide his smile, but failed. He was in a good mood, after all. And teasing Angela Lopez was always fun. They all said their goodbyes then. True to her word, Angela didn’t give Tim a hug, and punched him in the arm instead.

“Ok, ow.”

“Ang,” Wesley said quietly, but even he couldn’t hide his smile.

“He deserves it.”

“Sure…”

“I know you love me, Lopez.” “Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.”

She turned to Lucy, and wished her a good night before she turned away from them, and walked off. They all just stared after her, failing to hide their smiles. They watched as Angela came to a stop, turned around, and walked back toward them. She grabbed Wesley’s arm and dragged him after her, not having looked at Tim once.

“Good night guys,” Wesley threw over his shoulder as he was dragged away by his wife.

“Night Wesley,” Tim and Lucy responded in unison. Lucy eventually turned to Tim.

“You know you’re a very nice best friend,” she said teasingly.

“Mh, I know.”

They both laughed. After a few moments of silence, Tim set down his empty glass, and cleared his throat.

“Come on. You said something about leaving like half an hour ago, I’ll drive you home.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know. But your ride already left. And I want to.”

“Yeah, Aaron will never hear the end of it for ditching me. Thank you.”

They smiled at each other before falling into step next to each other when they headed to say goodbye to the remaining people from the party. After making the rounds, they headed to the exit. Lucy could feel Tim’s warm hand on the small of her back, guiding her. She tried not to let herself enjoy the feeling too much. Tim was still her boss, nothing more.

Yeah, right. Because you haven’t had a crush on him for months. Be real, girl. Okay, so she could hear the voices in her head, but tried desperately to shut them up. This was so not appropriate. But she was in a good mood. They’d finally had that dance he’d promised her months ago, and it had felt nice to be that close to him. Too nice to just be friendly. And he’d looked at her with such a soft expression, she didn’t think she’d ever seen it before.

She doubted she’d been very successful in hiding her admiration for him, because he kept surprising her. Somehow he managed to always make her feel worthy, and capable, and strong. He knew she could take care of herself, and let her do things on her own if she said she could handle it, but he never hesitated to offer his help regardless.

She was so lost in thought that she hadn’t realized that they’d made it to Tim’s truck already. She snapped out of her haze then, and thanked him for opening the car door for her. She really didn’t need his help, but her heart did funny things at the gesture. He got behind the wheel a moment later, starting the truck and heading toward her apartment building.

It was a relatively quiet drive, Lucy obviously still a little lost in thought. Tim looked over at her, trying to see if she was okay or not. Silence when in a car with Lucy Chen usually didn’t promise anything good. But he didn’t press for info. She was probably just tired from celebrating.

He got a little lost in thought as well as he turned his eyes back toward the road. He thought about how good and right it had felt to dance with Lucy, to laugh with her, to be the one to make her smile. He knew she deserved the recognition she’d get if she was listed as the arresting officer from now on. She should get more recognition.

He’d told her she cracked the top five of the best rookies he’d ever trained, but if he was totally honest with himself… she took top spot. She’d already done so much in just two years on the job, survived something that still gave him nightmares. But it just proved her strength. And he knew she’d go on to do great things, no matter which path she chose.

It still baffled him that someone as kind and empathetic as her didn’t give up on him even during the worst period of his life, that she chose to stand by him instead. To make him see that he needed to be better. For her sake, but for his as well. And she had always just continued to push him to become a better version of himself, to let others in again, to trust others. To trust her.

And he did. With his life. With everything, really. There was no one in this world he trusted more than Lucy Chen. And he’s pretty sure he failed in hiding his admiration for her when he’d finally cashed in on that dance he’d owed her. He glanced at her again. His heart stuttered in his chest as he saw how relaxed she looked, eyes closed, head resting against her hand, which was propped up against the window.

Oh, hell. Did he have more than just friendly feelings for her? Surely not. He couldn’t… she was his gofer, had been his rookie. He quickly averted his gaze back toward the road, mind reeling. Luckily, they were at her apartment building a few minutes later. He put the car in park and turned toward Lucy, but saw that her eyes were still closed.

He reached out with one hand, gently tapping her shoulder, trying not to startle her.

“Hey, Lucy. We’re here.”

Her eyes flew open as she straightened in her seat.

“Wha-? Oh, sorry. Did I fall asleep?”

“Kind of,” he chuckled.

“Sorry, it’s… been a long day.”

“Yeah. Come on, I’ll walk you up.”

“I’m fine,” she said defiantly as she opened the door and got out. Tim was quick to follow her, and quickly walked around the truck to grab a hold of her arm as she swayed a little on her feet.

“Riiight. You’re totally fine. Not tired at all,” he said teasingly as he helped her find her footing again, his other hand now on her waist.

She looked up at him then, and his heart did that funny thing again. Her eyes were wide open now, and he couldn’t help but get lost in them. And in the end, he didn’t know who moved first. Suddenly, her hands were on his chest, and one of his had moved from her arm to cradle the side of her face.

They leaned in simultaneously, lips touching softly, tentatively at first before they let themselves get lost in the kiss. A kiss that was full of longing, and desperation, and hunger and a million other things.

Neither knew how much time had passed when they jumped apart because of a honking car. They were both trying to catch their breath then while they kept staring at each other, trying to think of something, anything to say. It was Lucy who found her voice first.

“Uh, sorry. I’m.. I should go. Goodnight.”

“Hey, no Lucy. I- wait.”

But she was already halfway to the front door of her building, and by the time he got his feet to move in the same direction, she was inside, the door falling shut right in front of his face.

“Damnit.”

What the hell had just happened? Why had he done that? Why had he let his emotions get the better of him? Well, he kind of knew why. But that still wasn’t a reason to just kiss her. Oh, tomorrow was going to be a fun day. He got back into his car, but took a few moments before he drove off, as he debated whether or not he should go and try to talk to her.

But he decided against it eventually, driving off toward his house.

He tried to not think about it, but he couldn’t stop it. His mind replayed that kiss over and over again, coming to the same conclusion every time. He’d liked it. It had felt good, and right to kiss Lucy. But it could never happen again. They were both in relationships with other people; he was her boss. But that didn’t stop him from hoping and wishing anyway.

Damn, how far gone was he? It was one kiss. Granted, one very good kiss, but still. That was all it took for his world to tilt on its axis? He already tried to come up with what he could say to Lucy before their shift the next morning, but nothing seemed right. Oh, he was in for a long, sleepless night.

---

Lucy made sure to get inside her building as quickly as possible, desperately hoping that Tim wouldn’t follow her. Damn it, why had she done that? Why had she let her emotions get the better of her and kissed him? But she just couldn’t help it. She couldn’t resist that pull that she’d always felt toward him. She’d known that she’d had a crush for a while now, but it felt different today.

She remembered how her heart had skipped a beat as he’d looked at her after he’d helped steady her when she got out of the car, or when he’d put his hand on the small of her back when they’d left the reception. Oh, she was in deep, wasn’t she?

Shit. What the hell was she supposed to do now? She had to ride with Tim again tomorrow. What would he say? Would he even say anything? Should she say something? Did she want him to say something? And what did she want him to say? Hey, about last night. That kiss. That didn’t mean anything. We just got caught up in the moment.

She had reached her apartment, and was unlocking her front door when she startled as the realization hit her. No, she didn’t want him to say that. She wanted him to say the opposite. That it had meant something, because it meant something to her. She had never felt like this when she’d kissed someone before. And that could really only mean one thing – she might just be a little bit in love with him.

But she still had her work in progress. She was still dating a guy she’d been planning on breaking up with for over a week now, ever since The Trial Debacle, as she’d dubbed it. But even once he was out of the picture, Tim was still seeing someone. Ashley. Urgh, could this get any more complicated?

She tried to ignore the flare of jealousy that always hit her when she saw Tim with Ashley, or when she even heard her name. How had she not recognized the feeling for what it was sooner?

Oh, it was going to be a long night. Sleep would not come easy tonight.

---

She woke up the next morning at the sound of her alarm. She was definitely not well rested. Her heart started pounding as memories from the night before suddenly hit her. Oh, today was going to be fun. A twelve-hour shift riding in the shop with Tim, no way of escaping. Great. Because she knew they needed to talk about it, but she dreaded that conversation.

She didn’t know what to expect from Tim. She remembered the way he’d looked at her as they had danced, or when they’d just been talking after. Or right before they kissed. She was pretty sure she’d seen something in his gaze, but she didn’t want to read too much into it.

Her mind ran a mile a minute as she got ready to leave for work. But by the time she pulled into the parking lot of Mid-Wilshire, she was still nowhere near ready to face Tim. She got out of her car, and saw that he was already there. He just sat in his truck, staring ahead into nothing before he turned his gaze toward her. She wanted to punch herself for her awkward little wave before she started walking toward him.

“Hey.”

They stared at each other in awkward silence for a moment or two before they’d both started talking at the same time.

“Listen, we-“

“We should pro-"

They both stopped talking at the same time, only to talk over each other again a second later.

“Sorry, you go ahead.”

“No, sorry. You go first.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” she said, and nodded, even though she was anything but. She wasn’t sure how well she could handle a rejection from him right now. Which was insane, because they'd literally just kissed once, and were both still dating other people. No, she wasn’t committed to anything with Chris, but Tim and Ashley were a different story.

“Okay. Um, I know you’re with Sanford, b-“ “For now.”

He looked at her curiously. She sighed. Wow, this did not at all go the way she had expected it to.

“I’ve been planning to break up with him for over a week now.” “Oh. Why?”

Lucy hesitated. She knew if she told him the real reason, he wouldn’t hesitate to try and murder Chris. But she wanted to be honest with him. So what if he wanted to hurt the guy? He kind of deserved it, anyway.

“I, um. You remember the trial prep last week?” He nodded, jaw clenched at the mere thought of Rosalind and what had happened to Lucy because of her.

“Well, he was assigned to the case because Sarah was out sick. And it was going okay, but um. When we took a break, he started humming Dream a Little Dream of Me, and-“

“He what now?” Tim asked under his breath through clenched teeth.

She looked up to see him staring at her, body rigid, expression turned murderous. She knew that he knew what that song represented for her, she just hadn’t expected such a strong reaction from him. Then again… maybe she should’ve.

“It’s fine. He apologized, said it was just stuck in his head because he’d seen the video. And I said it was fine, I thought I was fine. You know, I thought he deserved another chance-“

“No, Lucy, he- are you okay?”

She smiled, heart swelling in her chest. She knew he wanted to go and confront Chris, preferably right that second. And yet, he still made sure to ask her if she was okay first, made her his priority. How was she ever supposed to not fall in love with him?

“Yeah, I am. Now. I know I need to end it with him, because I know I’ll never be able to forget that. It just… feels a lot like betrayal. Of the worst kind.”

“Good. I mean, good that you’re ending it with him. He doesn’t deserve to get a second chance with you, it’s-“

He stopped midsentence, unable to put his thoughts into words. Instead, he sighed and let his backpack hit the ground as he took a step forward. He reached for her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close. Lucy went willingly, wrapping her arms around his waist as she let her head rest against his shoulder.

Never in a million years did she expect Tim Bradford of all people to hug her in the parking lot of the station. But it felt nice, it felt right. As if this was exactly where they were both always meant to be. Just like it had the night before when they'd danced, and when they'd kissed. And maybe he needed this as much as she needed it, even though she hadn’t known she needed it until his arms were around her.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he whispered into her hair after a bit.

She nodded.

“Yeah.”

I have you. She closed her eyes then, just letting the feeling wash over her. She’d had her suspicions before, but after their kiss, and then spending most of the night lying awake and thinking about it, she’d come to the conclusion that she really had fallen in love with him. With Tim. Her former TO, her current sergeant, her best friend, her… most important person in her life. No one had ever meant more to her than Tim. She could only hope he was on the same page. When he’d started talking a few minutes before, it sounded like there was a but that she interrupted. So maybe, just maybe he felt the same. Hopefully he wanted to give them a chance, even if the thought scared the shit out of her.

Because she didn’t want to ruin what they had. She couldn’t live without having Tim in her life.

She wanted to stay in the safe haven of his arms longer, but she felt Tim loosening his hold around her, so she released the death grip she’d had on his shirt. But neither of them went far, preferring to stay as close as possible.

“Listen, uh. I-“

He hesitated again. He took a deep breath, ready to just jump in, see how it went. The fact that Lucy was basically single definitely helped. But it was still a risk, even if the way she had practically melted into him when he hugged her had him hoping that he wasn’t alone in this. Just say it, Bradford.

“Last night, um. It- meant something to me. I don’t know how you feel, obviously, but maybe, if you wanted, we could.. talk.. about it? About us?”

Lucy wanted to say yes, badly, but she couldn’t. Not without knowing how things were with him and Ashley.

“Um, what about Ashley? You’re still together, right?”

Tim sighed, but felt his heartrate calm down a bit when he realized she wasn’t saying no.

“Yeah. But.. honestly? I don’t think that was ever really gonna go anywhere. We rarely find things we both enjoy, so we usually end up doing whatever she wants to do. Not to mention the fact that I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like that I’m a cop...”

He trailed off. Lucy was simply confused. She wanted to argue, but Tim spoke again before she could.

“Anyway, that’s not important. What is important is that I’ve been thinking about breaking up with her for a while now, so. Could we maybe, um, talk? After we’re both… single. I mean really talk, not here, not like this. Not while we’re still dating other people.”

Lucy smiled as she looked at him and saw the hope and fear on his face. Hope that she’d say yes, fear that she’d say no and run. But she wanted to talk, she wanted to find out what this could be. They didn’t have to jump in head-first, but talking was a good start. And breaking up with their respective partners was as much for themselves individually as it was for them. Now they just had a more pressing reason to dump them.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“You would?”

She smiled.

“You sound surprised.”

“No, well yes. I just- didn’t know what to expect. It’s-“

“A little scary?”

“Kind of.”

He didn’t like being vulnerable, but it didn’t seem so daunting with Lucy. It never really had. Hell, she’d seen him at his lowest when shit hit the fan with Isabel, he reminded himself again, and when he confronted his father. If he could be open and vulnerable with anyone without the fear of being judged, it was Lucy. It has always been Lucy.

“So. We’ll talk to Chris and Ashley and then…”

“And then we’ll talk.”

She nodded in agreement, an awkward silence between them settling then as they looked at each other with a mix of excitement and anxiety. Then Lucy started chuckling. Her laugh was infectious, so of course Tim had to laugh a little, as well.

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s just- this feels awkward and not awkward at all at the same time.”

“It does,” he agreed as he continued to smile at her, letting her see his adoration for her before he continued.

“Come on, we gotta get to work, or people will start asking question we’re not ready for," he said as he bent down to pick up his backpack he’d discarded earlier.

“Right, that should be interesting,” Lucy agreed with a chuckle.

“Mh?”

“Um, pretending nothing happened last night - or now - for the next twelve hours?”

“Right. Just act normal.”

She stared at him as he turned away from her and toward the entrance. He put his hand on the small of her back again, just like he had the night before, to get her to start moving toward the door.

“You-you’re not helping.”

“I’m not really trying here, Chen.”

“Okay, in the words of Angela Lopez: I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Shut up.”

He smirked at her as he went to open the door and held it open for her before he walked in after her.

---

They spent their shift in relative normalcy, but they both felt an energy that hadn’t been there before. They exchanged quite a few shy glances and smiles, both of them rather bashful now that they knew they both felt this thing between them.

At the end of shift, they said their goodbyes in the parking lot before they both headed home.

Lucy had made plans with Chris to come over to her place a few days ago, already planning on breaking up with him then. Only now she knew for certain that she was doing the right thing. Now, breaking up with Chris not only got him out of her life, but also held the promise of getting to explore this thing between her and Tim.

As expected, Chris didn’t see the breakup coming, thinking that they were good. And even as she explained her reasons, he was less then understanding, and only tried to minimize the problem. It was beyond her how he couldn’t see what he had done wrong, or why he thought that she was being “unfair” about the whole thing.

Which is when she really lost it and threw him out of her apartment, yelling at him to never ever talk to her again. Unless of course they had to, for a case. She was not looking forward to that. She was just starting to calm down when Tamara came home. One look, and the young woman saw that Lucy was definitely not fine.

“Hey, are you okay? I just saw Chris driving off. Did you guys have a fight?”

“Hey, Tam. I- we…”

She sighed and took a deep breath before she spoke again, a bit calmer now.

“I broke up with him. And he didn’t understand why, and said I was being unfair when I explained it to him. I mean come on. Unfair?! Who does he think he is?”

“Okay, okay. Breathe. He’s gone, okay. Maybe- let’s sit down. And you can tell me all about it.”

She led Lucy to the couch and made her sit down before she took her place next to her.

“Okay. What happened?”

“I told him I wanted to break things off, because I- can’t forgive him for last week.”

Tamara nodded in understanding, and quietly said “The humming.”

“Yeah.”

“Ok, hold up. And then he had the nerve to say you were being unfair?”

“Yup.”

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Of course.”

“I’m very glad you finally dumped him, because he did not deserve to go out with you. I never understood why you went out with him in the first place.”

“Why?”

“Um, do you not remember calling him, and I quote “the clown from the DA’S office”? And then all of a sudden, a few weeks later, you’re going out with him.”

“Yeah, definitely not my finest moment.”

“Why’d you say yes, anyway?”

Lucy remained quiet for a few moments as she tried to form an answer. Realization dawned on Tamara as she looked at her.

“Oh. Did it have anything to do with a certain sergeant? And the fact that he’s dating that… lifeguard?”

“What?!”

“Oh, come on! You’ve never liked… what’s her name again?”

“Ashley.”

“Aha! See? You don’t even like saying her name.”

“What’s your point?”

Tamara sighed.

“My point.. is that you never liked her. And you never liked that Tim’s dating her. So, was agreeing on a date with Chris about, I don’t know, distraction?”

She looked at Lucy then, trying to see her reaction. And what she saw basically confirmed her suspicions. It was about distracting herself from Tim, about trying to avoid thinking about him with Ashely because it hurt to see him with her. Oh. Dear. God. Did Lucy actually have a crush on him? She’d teased her before, as had Jackson. And she was pretty sure others had their suspicions about them as well. They didn’t have a normal former rookie/former TO kind of relationship.

Eventually, Lucy spoke quietly.

“Maybe. Oh, I’m a horrible person, aren’t I?”

“No, you’re not. You’re just.. a little scared. And maybe a little in love with Tim.”

“No! No, I’m not… I- Tamara, it’s not like that. Okay, maybe it is like that. I mean, this morning we did agree to talk to Chris and Ashely and break up with them so we could talk about us, because apparently one kiss is enough for both of us to-“

But she didn’t get much further.

“I’m sorry, YOU WHAT?! When? How? Where? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Okay, it literally happened yesterday.”

“Yesterday! Omg, it happened at the wedding, didn’t it?”

“No, it didn’t. It happened here. Well, in the parking lot. He dropped me off because Aaron ditched me, and… I don’t know. It just happened.”

“And you clearly finally realized that you're in love with him.”

Lucy hesitated for a second, but Tamara could see the smile that she couldn’t quite hide.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I am,” she answered quietly.

“So, what now?”

“Well, like I said, we talked this morning, and agreed that we would talk after talking to Chris and Ashley. So, now I just have to wait.”

“You two are idiots, you know that?”

“Hey!”

“You are! Come on, I could always tell that you didn’t have a normal TO/rookie relationship, there was always something. But somehow, you were both too stubborn to see it. But all it took was for you to kiss. Once. Seriously, how you didn’t see it sooner is beyond me. But at least you got there.”

“Thanks, I guess?”

“Now, can I tease you about falling for your former TO?”

Lucy groaned and got up from the couch, moving to the kitchen.

“Absolutely not.”

Tamara laughed as she followed Lucy.

“Oh, but I have to. It’s just so good. Who would’ve thought? Well, me, but that’s beside the point. But also, please let me know in advance whenever he comes over, because I don’t need to hear that.”

“Tamara!”

---

Tim had a little less luck with his breakup. Not because he didn’t want to, but because Ashley didn’t have a chance to meet up with him before Friday, which was still two days away. And he really wanted to do it in person and not over the phone, because he wasn’t that shallow.

But he was getting a little anxious. Lucy had let him know that Sanford was out of the picture now, which meant that it was his turn now to end his relationship that was never going to go anywhere, so he could finally find out what he could have with Lucy. So he could finally just talk to Lucy.

And no, he had totally not been thinking about where he could eventually take her on a date. But he was getting ahead of himself a little, because he was still with Ashley. And it really wasn’t fair to her that he was already planning a date with someone else before he’d even talked to that someone else. Then again, kissing Lucy wasn’t exactly fair to her, either. So, yeah. He felt bad.

The next two days passed incredibly slowly. He and Lucy had been back to their usual banter, only now they smiled a little more. Because they didn’t have to hide from each other anymore.

Finally, it was Friday, and he could talk to Ashley. He’d promised Lucy to call her after, just because he wanted to. And the smile she’d sent his way had made his heart stutter in his chest. Because the simple promise of a phone call had been enough to make her smile at him like that.

He’d asked Ashley if he could come over to her place, so he could leave any time he wanted to. And when he told her he thought they should end it, she wasn’t as surprised as he thought she would be.

“It’s Lucy, isn’t it?”

“Huh?”

“I’m not blind, Tim. I saw the way she looked at you, and the way you’d look at her without even realizing it. But I thought we could still make it work, because I like you. Really like you. But maybe I was fooling myself as much as you were fooling yourself. Honestly, I’ve thought about ending it for a while now.”

“Wow. So neither one of us was ever really in this, huh…” he mumbled under his breath, but Ashley had heard him anyway.

“I didn’t see it until that double date, actually. But ever since, I’ve had this weird feeling that this would never work. Because Lucy would also be a part of your life, and I’m pretty sure she'd always caome before me.”

“I’m sorry. I never- I never would’ve agreed on a date if I’d known.”

“I know. But it is what it is. It’s probably a good thing we pull the plug now, before I could actually fall in love with you.”

Tim was rendered a bit speechless. He hadn’t been expecting Ashley to be so honest and accepting. But her words made him feel even worse than he already did. Because it proved that, as much as he had tried to be a good boyfriend, to make her happy, he’d failed. Again. Maybe he wasn’t cut out to be with anyone. But no. This wasn’t all on him. She could’ve talked to him, but she’d chosen not to.

They talked a couple more minutes before they said their goodbyes then, closing that chapter of their lives. It wasn’t worth dwelling on anymore. They were both better off without the other.

Tim got in his car and took his phone out. He wanted to call Lucy to let her know that he and Ashley were over. Before he could talk himself out of it, he pressed dial, and waited until she picked up.

“Hi.”

“Hey. I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

“No, no you’re good.”

“Okay, good. Listen, um. Are you free to uh, meet up? We could just uh, take a walk and talk. Feels a little weird to have this conversation over the phone.”

He heard her laugh on the other end of the line.

“Sure, that sounds nice. Got a place in mind?”

“Uh, how about that spot by the beach you always talk about?”

“You wanna go for a walk on the beach? Are you ok?” she asked teasingly.

“Ha ha, very funny. You know I don’t hate the beach, I just prefer to stay clear of the ocean.”

She chuckled. The sound made his heart swell in his chest again. Damn it, he really was in deep.

“I’ll come by and pick you up, if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Kay. I’ll be there in twenty.”

“I’ll wait downstairs.”

“Okay. I’ll see you then.”

“Bye, Tim.”

“Bye, Lucy.”

He couldn’t help the silly smile from forming on his lips. They were only going to talk, but he already couldn’t wait. Because it would hopefully be the start of so much more.

He picked Lucy up exactly eighteen minutes later. She was wearing a flowy sundress that made her look absolutely gorgeous, and he had a little trouble forming words when he first saw her, which had made her grin as she got in his truck.

They talked on the drive to Venice, mostly about how their respective breakups went. Which was a fun conversation, because they both couldn’t hold back on bad mouthing the other’s ex.

Eventually, they’d made it to Venice, and somehow, now that they were there, there was that awkwardness again. So, to relieve the tension a bit, they got a little something to eat. They found their rhythm then as they walked along the Boardwalk back to the parking lot so they could sit in the bed of his truck.

“So,” Tim said after they'd finished eating, as he put one of his legs underneath the other so he could turn to look at Lucy. She did the same.

“So.”

They looked at each other, neither really knowing how to start the conversation. After a moment, she laughed.

“Wow, this was easier in my head.”

“Yeah,” Tim chuckled in agreement.

“I’ve never been good at this.” “At what? Talking? Can’t be it. I’m pretty sure it was you who’s been talking my ears off for years now.”

She pursed her lips and threw her wadded up napkin at him.

“Ass.”

He grinned. She turned serious again a moment later.

“No. I meant- this. Relationships.”

“I don’t exactly have the best track record either. If you hadn’t noticed before, I'm not exactly a talker.”

“No kidding,” she snorted before she went on. “I mean, I know how I feel, and what I want. And I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page, I’m just-“ she trailed off. She couldn’t find the right words to describe what she felt.

“Scared?” he asked softly, trying to help her put her thoughts into words. He knew she needed to talk things out to process them, and he’d happily listen to her every day. And maybe nudge her in the right direction by offering the words she was too afraid to say.

“Yeah, of course I’m scared. Because if we do this, and it doesn’t work, I’ll have ruined the most important relationship in my life.”

They stared at each other, both surprised at what she’d just revealed.

“Um, sorry. I probably shouldn’t..”

“No, no. You’re.. you’re right. It is a risk.”

“Too big of a risk.”

“I didn’t say that,” he responded with a soft smile.

She looked at him, surprised that he seemed so willing to take that risk. After one single kiss, after only a few days of thinking about what they meant to each other. After having just broken up with the people they’d been dating for a while.

“Maybe it is worth the risk,” he clarified.

She let out a surprised little gasp, still unable to form words. He took a deep breath.

“Look, I know this seems fast. But, I haven’t felt like this in… a very long time. We- we don’t have to rush anything, we can just see how it goes but... I really think we could make it work.”

“How- how do you have so much faith in this, in me?”

He shrugged as he smiled.

“I just do. Cause it’s you.”

How did this man always know what to say? And why did her heart summersault in her chest again? Well, she knew why, but it still surprised her the same way it had the first time it had happened. He looked at her shyly then, his eyes telling her that he was trying to work up the courage to say something. He took another breath before he spoke.

“So… would yo- do you wanna get dinner sometime?”

Lucy stared at him for a handful of seconds because she didn’t want to answer too eagerly. But it was a battle she could never win. He had never looked at her like that before. How could she ever resist him? She felt as if she could look into his soul, all his cards on the table. There was only one answer to his question.

“Ye-es! I do.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But, just to be clear. You meant like a date, right? An actual date date?”

He looked a little scared for a second before he realized that she was definitely teasing him.

“You think you’re so funny.”

“I try.”

“Yes, obviously, an actual date date. Fancy restaurant and all that.”

“You know I don’t need that, right?”

“I know. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get that. You deserve to be wined and dined every once in a while, Lucy.”

She smiled at him, touched by his words and the sincerity behind them. He could deny it all he wanted, but he was definitely a total romantic at heart. And she loved that she would get to see more of that side of him from now on.

“Thanks. But just so you know, I’ll be expecting the whole picking me and bringing me flowers thing and all that, as well.”

He laughed.

“Of course you do. Don’t worry, I got this.”

They smiled at each other then, getting lost in the moment. They both knew what this meant. If they did this, it was supposed to last. Eventually Lucy reached out to take one of his hands in hers as she got up, and tugged him toward the water.

“Whoa, what are you doing?”

He hurried to close the back of his truck with one hand and then locked it.

“I wanna watch the sunset. But not from here. Come on, we can sit down over there and watch.”

“As long as we stay clear of the water – okay.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t make you go anywhere near it. I just wanna sit in the sand and watch the sunset.”

He smiled. Yeah, he should’ve known that she loved that. They sat down a minute later, little to no space between them. They sat in comfortable silence for a bit then, just enjoying each other’s company. After a while, he felt her head hit his shoulder. He looked down at her, and saw the content smile on her face as she looked over the ocean. He knew his expression mirrored hers.

So he let his head rest against hers as he disentangled his arm from between their bodies to put it around her waist, holding her close. She let out a content sigh at the gesture and snuggled into him, one hand finding its way to his chest.

They both knew it should feel weird to be this close to each other so quickly, but it didn’t. It just felt right. Comfortable. Like the most natural thing in the world.

Neither knew what the next few days would bring, or how their fancy date would go. And there was still the whole work issue that needed to be talked about eventually. But maybe it was better to get used to being with each other before they made any announcements.

So for now, they just enjoyed the moment. Enjoyed getting to spend time together like this. They’d finally made it here, so they were going to enjoy the peace for a while before reality hit again.

They stayed like that for a long time, well until after the sun had already set.

And when Tim eventually dropped her off at her place, neither could resist leaning in for a good night kiss. It was similar and yet so completely different from the one just a few days earlier. Because this time, they both knew what they were doing. They didn’t have to wonder what it meant to the other. They could just enjoy it.

Because they’d finally found their way to each other.

They could finally have it all.

And it was going to be everything they'd ever wanted.

#AU after 4x18 #mychenfordstories

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chenfordspiral · 11 months

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i can't lose you (chapter 2)

The next morning, Lucy tries to broach the subject of undercover again, thinking about it basically from the moment they wake up. She debates for over an hour on how to start the conversation, but in the end, she says screw it. If she doesn’t just start talking, she’ll never get there. And avoiding it won't do either of them any good. So when they’re busy an almost done cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast, she finally just asks.

“Hey. Can we, uh, talk about something?”

Tim stops in the middle of drying his hands, looking back at her, expression unreadable.

“Well, that’s not usually followed by the best of news.”

“No, it’s… nothing bad. I just- last night, I kept thinking about what we talked about, and what it would be like to be on a deep cover assignment without knowing when I’d be coming home. And… I-I don’t know. I’m not sure how much I like it.”

“Okay. Why do you think you won’t like it?”

“Because- the thought of being gone for so long, not knowing when I’m allowed to go back home… sounds kind of awful.”

“Okay. But you know you can’t make an honest decision if you’ve never actually experienced what it’s like to be deep cover.”

“Maybe not. But I… I could barely handle being away from you for a week. And that was while we were in contact basically all the time. You said it yourself last night – it won’t always be like that.”

“Lucy.”

“I know, I know. No hasty decisions. And it’s even harder because I don’t know what else I could be doing if I decided undercover isn’t for me. This is basically all I’ve ever really invested any time in since I was a rookie. But I’ve also never actually been in love before, either. And I don’t wanna ruin this, or lose you, and-”

She stops her little ramble as she sees Tim staring at her with an expression she has never seen before. She thinks and then realizes what she just said. I’ve never actually been in love before. Oh. Well, this isn’t exactly how she wanted to tell him that for the first time.

“Um…”

“You’ve never been… before?”

“No. Which makes this so hard. Because I feel like no matter what I do, someone’s going to judge me and I-”

“Hey, no. You don’t make any decisions solely based on what others might think of you because of it. You need to make a decision for you, not anyone else.”

“But it’s not just about me anymore, is it?”

“Lucy-“

“No, Tim, it isn’t. I know you would never ask me to stop undercover, even though you’d probably have enough reason to, and I can’t even begin to put into words how much that means to me. But… I don’t want you to be hurting all the time. And because of me, no less.”

“I told you, as long as you come back, I’ll be fine.” “We both know that’s not entirely true. You’re never gonna be totally fine with me being gone for months on end.”

“I’m never gonna not worry about you. Doesn’t matter where you are.”

“I know. But it’s different if I’m gone gone.”

He can’t argue with her on that one. Because it’s true. He knows that she can do just fine without him, that she doesn’t need anyone taking care of her or protecting her. But he can’t just not worry about her. And with no way of checking in with her when she’s under… yeah, it terrifies him. He got through it once with Isabel, he can do it again with Lucy. But that doesn’t mean he likes the idea of being separated from the woman he loves. Again.

He doesn’t know what to say to her. He never wants to hold her back, and if he says how truly terrified he is for her, he fears that one way or another, it will not go well. So instead he opts for another thing to say. Something that will always be true. Something that has been true for far longer than he’s willing to admit just yet. Something he’s finally ready to say out loud now that he knows it won’t come back to bite him.

“You know I love you, too, right?”

She lets out a little breathless gasp upon hearing his words. She knows she really shouldn’t be so surprised to hear him say it, given everything he’s done to show her how he feels since before they even got together, but it still takes her breath away.

“Okay, that was not supposed to make you cry.”

“Huh?”

She hadn’t even realized that she’d started tearing up until just now when he pointed it out. But, oh yeah. There’s a tear running down her cheek. She chuckles.

“Sorry. It’s just… I mean, I already knew, in a way. I think. But-“

“It’s different to actually hear it. Makes it real.”

“Yeah.”

They stare at each other, getting lost in the moment. And the significance this moment has for their relationship, for them. Saying I love you for the first time is another step toward that forever they both already knew they were headed for. But it’s still a big deal. Huge, actually. For both of them.

“Come here.”

Lucy goes willingly, sliding her arms around his waist to settle on his back, holding on tight as he wraps his arms around her, one hand moving to the back of her head, keeping her close. After a few moments, he starts speaking quietly.

“I don’t want you to make a decision before you don’t know what it’s actually like. Or because of me. Is it gonna be easy? No. But it’s like I said – I’m always gonna worry about you, that’s just how it is. I just need you to always remember that no op is ever worth your life. You can’t get too caught up in it all, because it will change you. But no matter what you ultimately decide, I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

It’s fascinating that he knows just what to say in just the right moment. That last part had been plaguing her mind all morning. Logically, she knows he’d never just leave - if he wanted to, he could've a long time ago - but hearing it has her heart beating a little more steadily again.

“You’re not?”

She can feel his hold around her loosening as he slides one hand up her back and over her shoulder, cupping her face in both of his hands, tilting her head up so he can look into her eyes.

“Hey. Never, okay? Never even crossed my mind.”

Lucy smiles as he presses a kiss to the top of her head.

“You’re pretty great, you know that?”

He chuckles against her hair.

“Thank you,” she murmurs softly into what little space there is between them.

“For what?”

“For loving me.”

“Easiest thing I ever did.”

He’s looking at her with a gaze so soft and loving that she’s tearing up again, feeling her heart swelling in her chest. She’s so damn grateful for this man, no words would ever be enough. But she goes for the ones that might just come closest. It should scare her how easily she’s willing to say it now, but it doesn’t. Not really.

“I love you.”

She stands on her tippy toes to press a kiss to his lips. And then another. And another. Yeah, one kiss usually doesn’t cut it for her. She always wants more. And he seems to do, as well. God, they really are like lovesick teenagers sometimes, aren’t they.

“We’ll make it work, okay. No matter what. Because we’ve been through way too much to not fight for this.”

“Yeah. We’re gonna have to if we want those grandkids we talked about,” she responds cheekily.

“I’m holding you to that.”

“Good.”

They both grin. She lets her head fall forward to rest on his chest. He presses yet another kiss into her hair, one of his arms back around her waist now, holding her close to him.

Yeah, they’ll be fine. It might hurt at times, and it won’t always be easy. Because she wants to at least try and see what undercover would be like. But she’s confident that they’ll work it out. Because this will always be worth it. They will always be worth it. And if that means walking away from undercover at some point, she'll do it.

But a small part of her can’t help but pray that she won’t inadvertently do something that might change his mind before then.

#chapter 2 #post 5x21 #mychenfordstories

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chenfordspiral · 11 months

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i can't lose you (chapter 1)

“You know I wasn’t comparing you to Isabel, right?”

“Mh.”

“I wasn’t, not intentionally, anyway. It was merely stating a fact. You might tell me everything now, but there’ll come a time when you won’t be able to tell me everything, when you’re not allowed to tell me everything. Because this op was an exception. Next time I’m not gonna be right there the whole time. That’s just how it is.”

They’re both silent for a few moments before he continues.

“I’m trying, okay. But it’s not easy. I’m constantly reminded of what happened with Isabel, but that doesn’t mean I think this, us, will end the same way. But I can’t just ignore that fear. That… trauma is always going to be there.”

Lucy can feel her heart breaking a little.

“I know. Thank you for telling me.”

She realizes that she never fully thought about his trauma until now. She always knew about it, of course. But she hadn’t fully considered just how difficult this was going to be for him, and how much his actions reflected that trauma. And no matter how hard he tried, it would never completely go away. But before she can say anything else, she hears Tim quietly whispering.

“I just can’t lose you, Lucy. I can’t. Not you."

Before she can respond, she feels him loosening his hold around her, his hands going to cradle her face as he leans down to press his lips against hers. Her hands automatically move from his back to his front, spreading over his stomach, holding on to him. He’s demanding, but not forceful. It reminds her of the way he kissed her before they’d slept together for the first time.

But it also feels so very different. Because she can feel his worry, his fear of losing this in every little touch. It makes her heart simultaneously melt and constrict painfully in her chest. She hates that he’s hurting so much. And because of her, no less. She doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be able to hold it together before it all comes crashing down.

But she has no time to think about it because she knows where this is going.

But it’s so unlike their laundry room hookup. That was fire, and passion. Urgency. It was what they both needed in that moment. But this.. this is the most gentle and loving form of love making she's ever experienced. It's unlike any of their previous times. Every move, every touch is filled with an intensity of love that has her feeling light-headed.

After, she falls into a blissful slumber, heavenly sated. But she wakes up in the middle of the night, her mind still going a mile a minute, keeping her from getting any actual, restful sleep.

She keeps thinking about their conversation earlier, and she doesn't like what she's remembering. She has a damn psychology degree, and she's been ignoring the signs of his trauma, of his PTSD almost the whole time, right up until he pointed it out. How did she not see this?!

Does she really want to keep putting him through so much pain? What does it say about her if she keeps hurting the man she loves? Yeah, she loves the thrill of undercover work, but it is so not worth it if Tim is worrying and hurting all the time. She meant what she said, that she'd walk away before it ever got to anything close to what Isabel went through, but maybe she should walk away even before that. Spare them both the pain.

Because, if she's really honest with herself, the thought of having to cut off all contact with him when she's on a long term, deep cover op terrifies her. With this one, she had him to ground her when she needed it, because he was the one keeping taps on her. He was the one having her back. But he said it himself. This was very likely an exception. It won't always be like this. And what then? She knows she can handle the work part of it all, but the personal side of it? The one that forces her to put her life on hold and cut off all contact with everyone she cares about for months at a time? She's not so sure. This op was only a week long, and Tim was always within reach.

She could see the worry in his eyes every time she saw him, could hear it in his voice whenever they spoke on the phone or in person. She knows that he knows that she can handle herself, but that doesn't stop him from worrying. Because just because she's good, doesn't mean things can't go wrong anyway. Criminals aren't exactly trustworthy people. She knows how much Tim hates when he can't help someone, how much he hates feeling helpless. And she doesn't want to keep burdening him with that.

She knows she shouldn't make any hasty decisions. Should probably figure out what to do instead of UC before she walks away from it. Maybe even experience the separation once. But she hates that he's hurting so much. He's trying so hard, and she cannot even put into words how much she loves him for it, that he's willing to try and soldier through. But he shouldn't have to.

He walked away from Patrol so they could both stay at Mid-Wilshire. She can walk away from undercover so she never has to see that look of desperation and fear on his face ever again.

She knows that every career-driven woman will likely look at her funny, judging her decision to put her relationship ahead of her career. But undercover isn't the only way to becoming a successful LAPD officer, right? Tim himself is proof enough. And so is Angela, and Grey, and even Captain Andersen. None of them did undercover, and they still are, or were, thriving in their careers.

She can still become detective, just not a full-time undercover one. And just because she says no to that doesn't mean she won't ever do smaller ops again. That's all still possible. But she'd rather spend the time she has with Tim than being away for months, and risk never seeing him again. Their jobs are risky enough as it is, but being undercover adds a whole other layer to it.

She knows in her heart that she cannot risk this relationship, cannot risk breaking Tim's heart by doing undercover work. And she knows she needs to talk it out with him, really talk it out for longer than a few minutes. Because he deserves to hear what she's thinking, and she wants to hear his input. But now might not be the right time. Right now, she'd much rather just keep lying here in bed with him, his arms a safe haven around her.

This, this is what she'd miss for months. The comfort of his arms, the feeling of his face nuzzled into her hair, the steady beat of his heart.

She turns around in his arms slowly, carefully, so he doesn't wake up, and just stares at him. Her right hand moves to settle over his heart almost on instinct as she presses a soft kiss to the underside of his jaw. She can't help but smile when she feels and hears him release a breath into her hair, tightening his hold around her even in his sleep.

"I can't lose you either, Tim," she whispers into the darkness of the night.

She'll make sure to tell him again in the morning when he's awake. Because it's true.

She cannot lose him. And she'll do everything in her power to make sure that it never happens.

She knows he would never just leave her, because that’s just not who he is, and him saying he can’t lose her basically confirmed that. But she’s still worried that he’ll hit his breaking point rather sooner than later, and she doesn’t really wanna find out what that would look like and what happens then.

She hasn't made a definite decision yet, shouldn't really make one right this second anyway, but she knows that Tim is the most important thing in her life. And she'll make sure that he knows it, too.

She falls asleep with her heart a little lighter, her head a little clearer than before.

#post 5x21 #mychenfordstories

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chenfordspiral · 11 months

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you couldn't have loved me better

warning: Major Character Death!

“We need to pull her out.”

“No, I can’t do that. We’re nowhere near close to the finish line here.”

“That doesn’t matter. What do you wanna do? Keep her under for another two, three, four months and not tell her? Let her think about what it’ll be like to come home only to then have her realize what happened months before, and that we didn't tell her? That’s not okay.”

“She needs to finish this.”

“No, she needs to know what happened before she hears it in the news or reads about it online.”

Lucy’s handler, Detective Jones, finally gives in after a long and heavy silence.

“Fine. I’ll get her out as soon as possible.”

Grey lets out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

The next morning, Jones meets up with Lucy in a cafe. They've done this many times before, always under the pretense of two friends catching up. If anyone were to question it, they had a cover story ready. They've barely been sitting for a minute before Jones rips off the bandaid.

“We need to pull you out.”

“What? Why? We’re nowhere near close to catching these guys.”

“I know. But things have changed.”

Lucy is visibly confused. She’s thought about just leaving many times, but she knew she couldn’t. Not without drawing too much attention to herself, without risking getting killed. And she doesn’t just quit. No matter how much her heart longed to be with Tim.

“Okay? Can you at least tell me what it’s about? Did something happen?”

“I can’t tell you here. You’ll know soon enough.”

Lucy can’t shake the uneasy feeling in her gut. Something isn’t right. She's felt weird since yesterday, and this is only making it worse. What the hell is going on? Why won't Jones just tell her?

When she walks into the station two days later, she is immediately overcome with a strange sense of wrong. Something is very, very off. She takes another look at her phone, checking if Tim has finally responded to one of the texts she’d sent to let him know she was back sooner than expected. That nagging feeling only grows once she sees Grey, Aaron and Harper together in front of Grey’s office. Aaron spots her first, and tilts his head to tell Harper and Grey that she’s here. So they were waiting for her? That cannot be good. And why do they all look so distraught?

“What’s going on? Why was I pulled out?”

“Come on, let’s talk in my office.”

“What?”

She follows him into his office, utterly confused. Aaron closes the door behind them all.

“Okay, can someone please tell me what the hell is going on? Why was I pulled out?”

The other three look at each other before Grey speaks.

“Metro raided a building a few days ago after they got a tip about a meth lab. Raid went south.”

Lucy can feel panic creeping in.

“Where’s Tim?”

Off their hesitant looks, Lucy asks again. This time with more urgency.

“Where’s Tim?!”

“I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but… Tim and two other Metro officers were shot and killed four days ago.”

Lucy’s fairly sure that she’s stopped breathing. This doesn’t make any sense. Tim can’t be gone. He just can’t. Knowing she’d be seeing him again after the op was over had been the only thing keeping her going for the last three months. This can’t be happening.

“No. No. NO!”

She hadn’t realized that her legs had given out until she felt both Aaron and Harper grabbing either one of her arms, holding her up. She can hear her own whimpers, her continued pleas of no, please, no. There’s an ache in her chest that she’s never felt before. Never. Not when Andersen died, not when she’d lost Jackson. Not any time when her parents let her know just how disappointed they were in her. She’s sure that any moment now, she’ll wake up from this horrific nightmare, this absolute hell. She can barely breathe through the panic and the tears that are freely flowing down her cheeks now.

“Please, no.”

“I’m sorry, Lucy. They did everything they could.”

She can’t stop the sob from escaping her. The only thing still holding her up are Harper and Aaron.

The next few hours pass in a blur. Now that she knows, she can feel the sadness in everyone and everything in the station. That black ribbon across every officers badge sends a jolt of panic down her spine every time she sees it. She wants to scream and yell at everyone who looks at her with sadness in their eyes. She knows they all lost someone, too. That they all loved Tim in their own way. But he wasn’t the love of their life.

Before she knows it, she’s at the morgue with Harper and Grey. She knows Tim's body – oh god, Tim's body – has already been identified. But she won’t really believe he’s gone until she can see for herself. Even though she’s not sure she can handle seeing him like that. She remembers seeing pictures of Jake’s body months ago, remembers the nightmares that haunted her for weeks after that. Oh god. How is she supposed to survive this? How is she supposed to live in a world without Tim?

She takes a moment before nodding her head when the ME asks if she’s ready to take a look. She’s already holding her breath, not actually ready to see what’s underneath the sheet. She doesn't think she ever will. Because once she sees him with her own eyes, she won't be able to pretend anymore.

The ME slowly lifts the sheet, and just seeing the hair is enough for Lucy to know that it really is Tim. By the time his face is completely uncovered, Lucy is already crying ugly tears, whimpering Tim’s name in between sobs.

The world around her fades away as she lets her head fall to rest against his. She can't even hear her own sobs anymore. Just her mind screaming, begging for her to wake up from this nightmare.

This isn't how she imagined coming back home. He was always supposed to be there whenever she got back. But instead, he’s not here at all. Not anymore. He’ll never come back. The last three months of his life were spent worrying about her, missing her. He’d accepted her choice to go under despite all of his fears. Put her first no matter what. And what did he get in return?

How was this fair? How could the world be so incredibly mean and cruel?

She knows that one of them getting hurt or killed was always a possibility given their job, whether she'd been undercover or not. But if she hadn't been, at least then she would’ve been there. At least they would’ve spent the last three months together, not apart. At least he would’ve known, without a single doubt, how loved he was. Because he was. He was so damn loved. Is so damn loved.

She doesn’t know where today ends and tomorrow begins. It all just blurs together in her grief and heartbreak.

And so the funeral comes and goes. She sees everyone from work, her found family again for the first time since she'd gotten back. She sees Genny and her boys again, cries with them over their shared loss. Tries to be there for Tamara, and lets her try and be there for her, knowing that no one but Tim could make this better. He's her safe space, her anchor. Without him... she just feels utterly lost. Numb.

In the following days, or weeks - months? - she can't tell time anymore, she spends more time sitting at his grave than is considered healthy. She knows it. She knows that everybody else knows it. But they don’t try to stop her. And she’s grateful for that. This is where she feels closest to him right now. Her apartment just feels empty without his presence. She hasn’t even set foot in his house since before she went under. And even the station, the thing that brought them together in the first place, feels suffocating knowing he’s not there anymore.

Everything reminds her of him, making her heart constrict painfully in her chest no matter where she goes, leaving a constant ache in her chest. This is the only place where she feels even an ounce of peace, no matter how weird that might sound. Because he’s not here, either. The same way he’s not at her apartment, or his house, or the station. Or anywhere. He’s gone. Another sob escapes her.

She’ll never see him again. She’s gonna have to live the rest of her life without him, longing for that future she so desperately wanted – wants – with him. But it’s all just a fever dream at this point. A what if scenario. All of her dreams for the future, gone. All of his dreams, gone. Dead. And somehow, it’s the thought of him never getting to be a father, something he’d been longing for and dreaming of for the last 20 years that has her breaking down completely.

She so desperately wanted to make that dream come true for him, to finally give him and see him have everything he's ever wanted.

She doesn't know how to move on from this. Doesn't think she ever can. Or wants to. Because there is no moving on from Tim Bradford. No one will ever come close to him. No one will ever support and accept her choices the way he always did, no matter how much he disliked undercover work, no matter how much he was hurting. No one will ever make her feel as loved and appreciated as Tim always did. No one will ever make her as happy as she was with Tim.

She never even got to tell him that she loved him. Loved him more than she ever thought possible. And now he’ll never know. He’ll never know that he was more important than anyone and anything else in her life. He died possibly thinking he was less important than her career. That he was once more not put first. Oh god. No. No no no. No. She doesn’t think she can ever forgive herself for leaving him behind when she went under. For making him live with the fear of losing her when she knew, she knew, what he’d been through before. And now she can never apologize for it. Not to him in person anyway. Only to his grave.

His grave. Fuck.

She’ll never get to see him again. Never hear his voice again. Never feel the touch of his hand in hers, or his lips on hers again. She’ll never be able to feel the warmth of his body next to hers in bed again, never feel the comfort of his hugs again. She’ll never see him smile, or hear him laugh again. All of it just – gone. Forever. The only thing she has left are her memories. Memories that she will treasure and cling to for the rest of her life. Memories she hopes never fade, but knows that they will.

One lifetime with him wouldn’t have been enough. And she didn’t even get that. They didn’t even get to celebrate an anniversary. Nine months. That’s how long they’d been together. Three of those apart while she was under.

It shouldn't have taken Tim dying to make her see the full picture. She never let herself think about anything happening to Tim while she was gone. She only ever reassured him that she'd be fine and just assumed he'd be okay and in one piece when she got back. But here she is. Alone. Sitting in front of the grave of the only man she ever loved. Yes, their job has always been dangerous, it's always been a possibility that one of them didn't make it home one day. But she never imagined this. It was never supposed to end like this.

She never imagined coming back from an op, or being pulled out from one, to find her whole world turned upside down.

She knows her life will never be the same again. She will never be the same again.

She remembers when Harris had come to her after shift days ago and told her what Tim's last words had been. Remembers how she'd thanked him for being there for him, for not letting him die alone. Remembers how she'd broken down and sobbed at the station, only calming down long after Angela had sat with her and just let her cry it out. She knows there's body cam footage of the raid, the shooting, of Tim saying those words. But she hasn't been able to make herself watch it, or even listen to it. Because she can't handle seeing the life bleed out of him knowing there's absolutely nothing she can do about it.

But the words have been on a constant loop in her head ever since. She doesn't think she'll ever forget them. She just wishes she could've said it back to him. She'll never forgive herself for not telling him exactly how much he means to her.

Despite everything he went through, he still said those words. She doesn't know what she ever did to deserve Tim's selfless love. But she's so damn grateful that she got to experience it, even if it was nowhere near as long as she had always imagined and hoped it would be.

She knows he couldn't have loved her better.

She knows no one could ever love her better than he did.

And she knows that she could never love anyone the way she'll always love Tim.

And as she whispers another I love you into the wind as she's sitting in front of his grave, she feels the warmth of a ray of sunshine on her skin. She can't help the little smile forming on her lips as she lets her eyes slip closed, because she knows, no matter where she goes, that Tim will always be with her.

She'll always carry him in her heart.

Tell Lucy I love her. That she's the best thing that ever happened to me.

#mychenfordstories #warning: MCD!!

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chenfordspiral · 11 months

Text

i don't wanna lose you now, or ever

Lucy has never been a shy person. She never hesitated to speak her mind. She’s also never been a jealous person. Or someone who felt insecure in a relationship. But with Isabel’s unexpected return, a teeny tiny little voice in the back of her mind just wouldn’t leave her alone. Isabel’s gorgeous. Definitely Tim’s type (he really did have a thing for strong minded women with a love for helping people). She’d spent over a decade at his side. And no matter how badly their relationship ended, Lucy knows that a part of him would always love her.

And that was fine. Normal even. But that still didn’t stop her from feeling a little uneasy now that she could see them side by side again. Because no one has ever meant more to her than Tim. No one has ever allowed her to be truly herself the way Tim always has. No one has ever made her feel so loved before.

They haven’t actually said the words yet, but she can feel it in every little gesture. In every little touch. In every look. In the way his eyes spark and light up when he smiles at her. In the way he touches the small of her back when he’s guiding her out a door. In the way he holds her when their bodies are pressed together from head to toe in bed. In the way he usually plays with her hair when they’re cuddling.

She never wants to lose any of that. She never wants to lose Tim. Because she knows that he will always be the first and only guy she's ever loved. And that losing him would break her.

She knows Tim would never just up and leave her. Hell, he stayed faithful to Isabel even after he knew that she had cheated on him (addiction is a real bitch). But that doesn’t mean she’s not a tiny bit scared. Because she knows that he once saw a future with Isabel. Kids. Growing old together. All of it.

So she does briefly wonder if he would ever consider being with Isabel again. And she really doesn’t like the way that thought has her heart constricting painfully in her chest. They’ve only been together for a few months, but she already can’t imagine her life without him at her side anymore. Every time she imagines the future now, he’s there. Other things are often blurry and unclear, but Tim’s always there.

She trusts him, with her whole heart. But there’s a lot of history there. Familiarity, even if they’ve been separated for some time. And a part of her can’t help but think that he might never love her the way he loved Isabel. She was his wife, after all. Lucy knows she’s being irrational, and maybe even a bit unfair. Because Tim never would’ve asked her out, or willingly taken a desk job so they could both stay at Mid-Wilshire if he didn’t love her the way he’d loved Isabel. If he didn’t see a future with her.

And they talked about grandkids on their second first date. About kids on more than one occasion after that. So no. The more time she spends thinking about it, the more she’s confident that she has nothing to worry about. And that neither Tim, nor Isabel, have any desire to rekindle anything. They’ve both moved on. They’ll always share a decade of memories, and that’s okay.

But it’s in the past. Moving forward, they might even become friends.

She has other things to worry about.

Because another, bigger part of her wonders if her plans to become an undercover detective, potentially even in the same department as Isabel used to work in, might change his mind about being with her. She knows how much it hurt him to lose Isabel, and that UC was essentially the reason they got divorced. She doesn’t want to lose him because of that.

She’s a little worried that Isabel’s reappearance will remind him of what it was like to be in a relationship with a UC and ultimately decide it’s not worth it. That she isn’t worth the months-long assignments and not seeing each other or being able to even contact one another.

But she has to put all those thoughts aside for a while because Isabel needs their help with a case that’s quite personal to her. She can’t afford to be distracted when she ends up going undercover with Isabel in an effort to rescue her former colleague and friend. Tim having to watch his ex-wife and current girlfriend working together… Talk about weird.

They manage to get it done without too many issues, and by the end of it, they’re all happy with how it worked out; but exhausted, nonetheless. It was surprisingly fun to work with Isabel, and to team up and try and mess with Tim a little. He was less than happy about that one, of course.

She wants to punch herself for feeling a brief flare of jealousy as she sees Tim and Isabel saying goodbye to each other, briefly hugging again. But after that little moment of jealousy, she’s overcome with another emotion – joy. Because now both of them have a little but more peace of mind, knowing that the other is happy and doing well.

She does not expect Isabel to come to her and encourage her to really talk to Tim about what undercover work would mean for their relationship. If anyone knows what it can do, it’s her. Still, at the end of the conversation, Lucy’s mind is reeling, Isabel’s words and advice echoing around in her head.

She knows she needs to talk to Tim. If their relationship is supposed to last, they need to be able to tell each other everything, even the things they don’t want to because they’re scared of the answer. But she doesn’t want to be scared. Not with Tim.

So when they’re finally home an hour later, she doesn’t waste much time in bringing it up.

“Tim?”

He’s busy putting their takeout on plates, so he’s not actually looking at her as she’s sitting on the other side of her kitchen counter. He just hums, confirming that he heard her, urging her to continue.

“Um. Can we talk about something?”

He looks up. She can tell that she’s managed to surprise him, if not even scare him a little. Those words don’t necessarily mean good things.

“Well, that doesn’t sound good.”

Lucy can’t help but let out a little huff, a small smile on her lips.

“It’s not bad per se. I just… when Isabel and I talked earlier, she… said a few things that kind of stuck with me.”

“Okay…”

Lucy hesitates for several moments. She knows she needs to ask, that they need to talk about this. But she also knows that it won’t be an easy conversation, but she promised herself to not be scared of what might happen (even if the thought of losing him absolutely terrifies her). Tim waits her out, realizing that whatever she needs to say is important. She takes a deep breath before she continues.

“You don’t like that I’m doing undercover work, do you?”

It’s equal parts question as it is statement. Because the more she thought about her conversation with Isabel, the more she thought about every time undercover work was brought up since she started her rookie year. And how each time, she could tell that Tim didn’t love it. Probably hated it, even, given everything it did to so many people around them. But he never said anything after that first time when she went under with Nyla and June. He doesn’t answer right away, definitely surprised by her question.

“Lucy, I…”

“No, Tim. I need you to be completely honest with, beca-“

But he doesn’t let her get any further.

“Then you need to be honest with me, too.”

Lucy is taken aback and lets the confusion show on her face.

“What?”

He sets the takeout box down on the counter in front of him and looks at her.

“We need to be honest with each other. I know that it’s not about me, that’s it your decision, but I can’t say it didn’t hurt that you didn’t tell me that you got the tap and were already studying for the detective’s exam.”

“Tim, I’m… I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention. I really thought I had told you.”

“I know. It still caught me off guard, and… I don’t know. I guess I didn’t expect for you to want to go the UC route with narcotics or intelligence. Because you’d never talked about it before.”

She feels her heart sink. She remembers the way Isabel had trailed off when she mentioned that Tim had talked about what her plans were. She didn’t even think about the similarities between herself and Isabel before now. How could she do that to Tim? How could she not talk about it with him?

“Oh. Why didn’t you say anything then?”

He gives her a look, as if he was saying ‘well, why didn’t you say anything?!’ But he answers her anyway. “Because, I- do you remember what I told you on your last day of training?”

Lucy manages a small smile at the memory.

“To never let anyone tell me I can’t do something. Not even you.”

“And I meant that. Then and now. And just because we’re together now doesn’t mean I get a say in whatever decision you make about your career. Because I don’t want to hold you back or be the reason you walk away from something you love.”

“And what if it’s not what I wanna do?”

“What do you mean? I thought you already decided.”

“I mean- I know I’m good at undercover. And I like the short ops, the ones where I know I’ll be back home in a matter of hours or a day or two. But… deep undercover? When I’d be gone for months? Two weeks as Nova nearly drove me crazy, and that was before Jackson died, before Tamara became an even bigger part of my life. Before… us.”

“Okay… then why do you still wanna do it?”

“Because, what else would I do?”

“Lucy.”

He walks around the counter, finally coming to a stop in front of her, the physical distance between them now gone.

“You could do anything you want. UC, homicide, K9, stay on patrol and become a TO… Hell, even Motors. I don’t know, whatever. No matter what you ultimately decide to do, I know that you’re gonna kick some serious butt.”

She can’t help but let out a small chuckle, feeling some of the tension in her body releasing. She knows that that’s what he was hoping for, and she feels her heart swell with gratitude. She’s surprised by what he asks next.

“But that’s not the only reason, is it?”

She looks at him. Yeah, she should’ve known better than to try and hide it from him. Now that they’re actually talking about it, she needs to be as honest as she wants him to be.

“You heard Noah back in February. That it’d be a shame if I wasted the potential. How would it look if I walked away from it after all the training I got?”

“Hey, don’t let that influence your decision too much, okay. If your heart’s not one hundred percent in it, it’s okay to say no, I don’t wanna do this anymore. Especially with undercover. Doesn’t matter what others think. It’s your life. You need to do what’s best for you, not what you think others want you do to.”

“But it’s not just about me anymore.”

“Lucy-“

“No. Tim, this isn’t just about what I want. If we want that future we talked about, I need to know how you feel. I need to know so I can make the right decision, not just for me, but for us. Because our relationship is a major factor in whatever I decide to do. My career isn’t worth it if it means losing you. I never want to lose you. Ever.”

She tries, but she really can’t contain her emotions anymore. But she keeps talking, voice getting raspy.

“And I’m sorry that I didn’t mention anything about the detective’s exam. I don’t know why I didn’t, it wasn’t intentional. And I know how that must’ve looked. I’m the one who called you out when you said you weren’t bored as Court Liaison because we promised to never lie to each other. And yet, I kept keeping things from you without even noticing, without thinking how it would make you feel. God, this is what I was always afraid of; that we do this and I’d find a way to ruin it. Because I’ve always been bad at relationships. But I don’t want to be bad at this. Nothing and no one has ever mattered to me more than you do, than our relationship does. And I don’t want you to feel like I don’t trust you or don’t wanna share things with you because I wanna share everything with you. So if you ever feel like I’m not telling you something, tell me. Make me tell you whatever it is I’m not saying, because chances are pretty good that I wouldn’t even really notice half the time. And I don’t want that t-“

“Hey, Lucy. Breathe.”

She hadn’t even realized that his hands had migrated up to cup her face until she feels him tilt her head up, getting her to look up at him, effectively stopping her ramblings. She sucks in a deep breath and tries to calm her racing heart.

“I’m not going anywhere. No one ever said that this was gonna be easy, but I meant what I said the day I first asked you to dinner. This, us is worth every damn effort, okay?”

She can feel tears spring to her eyes as he brushes a strand of her hair behind her ear with a soft, loving look on his face, because she’s suddenly overcome with an intense amount of gratitude and love for him. And as she stares at him, she remembers the guy she met on her first day, and how much she hated the fact that her TO seemed like such an ass; before she knew what was hidden underneath that tough exterior.

She remembers unless it is, and how ready he was to take that leap and ask her out, not willing to waste another second. She remembers that surge of love and awe when she realized how much faith he had in them to make this work, to make this last. And she’s so freaking relieved to know that that hasn’t changed. But it is almost frightening how much has changed since that fateful first day of training, how different it all is now compared to then. How much they’ve grown, individually and together.

She can barely even remember a time when she wasn’t in love with him. She‘s so overcome with emotion that, without even thinking, she just blurts it out, softly, almost as a whisper.

“I love you.”

She can feel his hands going still in her hair, the surprise and shock evident in his eyes. Hell, she’s surprised that she said it. She’s never said that to any guy before, but she’s not about to take it back. Because she does love him. So much. More than she ever thought possible. She watches as his surprise quickly turns into awe, his eyes sparkling as he smiles at her. The entire moment reminds her of when they were sitting outside the station, when she blurted out that he was the most important relationship in her life.

"I love you, too.”

She can’t stop the smile from spreading across her lips. She gets up from the chair, standing up on her tip toes to press a kiss to his lips as he cradles her face in his hands, similar to the way he did months ago when they made their way to the bedroom for the first time. Her arms migrate around his waist, trying to pull him as close as possible as she lets herself get lost in their kiss, in the feeling of being loved by him. When they break apart to take a breath, he lets his forehead rest against hers. She’s criminally shorter than him, she notices once again, and the way he towers over should be intimidating and make her feel small. But instead, all it does is make her feel safe. Protected. Loved. At home. Right where she was always meant to be.

He starts speaking quietly after they’ve been silent for a few moments.

“How about this? You don’t have to make a decision right now. Think about it. All the pros and cons. Yeah, it would be weird and difficult to not have you around all the time, because I’m used to seeing you all day every day. I’m used to knowing where you are and that you’re okay, that you’re safe. But… maybe you need to experience what it would be like to be gone on a long-term assignment before you can really decide if it’s the right or wrong thing for you. If you don’t wanna do that, and make a decision before that, then that’s okay, too. I just want you to be sure. Really sure. And I mean that, okay? Because I don’t want you to walk away from this for my sake.”

“Okay. Okay, I can do that. Thank you.”

He smirks. She can tell that he knows that she knows what he’s about to say next.

“For what? Doing my job?”

She chuckles, shaking her head. This is kind of their thing. But this time, she has an answer ready.

“No. For being you. For believing in me, in us.”

He clearly wasn’t expecting that. He smiles and leans down to press another tender kiss to her lips, whispering an always against her lips before wrapping his arms around her, hugging her tightly.

As Lucy rests her head on his chest, feeling his steady heartbeat beneath her ear, she knows that no matter what, they’ll be fine. Whatever she chooses to do with her career, they’ll figure it out together. For the first time since he’d told her that Isabel needed to talk, she feels truly calm again. She’s always believed in them, and that they could make this work. But never more than she does now. Tim’s absolute confidence in them, in her, has her heart growing in size. She didn’t think she could fall more in love with him, but here she is.

So she whispers another I love you against his chest, and smiles as she hears and feels him whisper the words into her hair before pressing a kiss to the same spot a second later. Perfectly content, she lets her eyes slip closed. They stay like that for a while, wrapped around each other, just basking in each other’s love.

They’ve been through too much together to not fight for their happiness, for their future. Whatever life throws at them next, they’ll come out stronger on the other side of it.

Because they’ll always be worth the effort.

#Lucy's POV #5x20 spec fic #mychenfordstories

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chenfordspiral · 11 months

Text

she was always the one you were meant to find

She’s still debating whether or not it was a good idea to ask Tim for help when she gets out of the car in front of the building Tim sent her the address to. She has to laugh again when she realizes, again, that he’d sent her an address to an apartment building. Tim has never been an apartment guy, always preferring a house where the neighbors weren’t as nosy. Then again, he did say he wasn’t actually at home.

She pulls out her phone to check for the apartment number again while she’s walking toward the entrance. Apartment 610. She presses the buzzer and waits until she hears the door open.

Why is she still so nervous? Okay, she hasn’t seen him since the divorce was finalized, her nerves are to be expected. But they left things pretty amicable. And he did agree to see her. So, no reason to be nervous, right? But the fact that he’s not actually home does make her think. Who is he staying with?

Family? No, that can’t be it. He doesn’t exactly have a great relationship with them. A friend? But why would he be at a friend’s place this early in the morning? A girlfriend? The thought of him in a relationship doesn’t set off the jolt of jealousy she was expecting. Instead, she starts hoping. Hoping that he found someone to love again. That he’s happy. Because god knows he deserves it after what she put him through.

She’s clearly been thinking too much, because suddenly, she’s in front of apartment 610 without even realizing that she’d walked up those six flights of stairs. She doesn’t knock immediately. She takes a moment to collect herself and then knocks.

She doesn’t know who she expected to see on the other side of the door if not Tim, but definitely not a young adult, who she suspects might still be a teenager.

“Hi, I’m Isabel. I’m here to see Tim?”

“Oh, yes. He mentioned you were coming by. Come on in. I’m Tamara.”

She smiles at the young woman as she crosses the threshold. And is very taken aback when she sees Lucy Chen, Tim’s former rookie in the kitchen. She knows her surprise is evident on her face, if the way Lucy smiles is any indication.

“Hi Isabel.”

“Lucy. Hi. I’m- I. Huh?”

Lucy chuckles. Before she can say anything though, they can hear the door right next to the kitchen open. Isabel sees Tim coming out a second later. She smiles. It takes one look at him to see that he’s happy. At peace. Very different to the man she remembers when they had seen each other last. And somehow, he looks younger. Is he ageing backwards? Yeah, that’s not unfair at all.

“Isabel, hi.”

“Hi, Tim. It’s good to see you.”

“You, too.”

He walks toward where the three women are standing a little awkwardly in the kitchen/entryway. She can practically feel Tamara glaring at her. She seems very protective. Tim breaks the silence between them.

“Why don’t we go sit down and talk?” he asks, as he’s pointing toward the living room. Isabel nods and follows him. She can hear Lucy and Tamara talking quietly in the kitchen as she sits down.

“Thanks for agreeing to see me, Tim.”

“Of course. It sounded quite urgent. Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Uhm. Well, kind of. Okay, so.”

She proceeds to tell him about one of her former partners and how she’s come to learn that he’s been MIA on an undercover assignment for some time, which is very unlike him. Tim asks what he can do and how he can help without hesitation. He’s always been good at that. Lucy is of course also ready to help, offering to go UC with her to try and get to the bottom of why her friend is missing.

She doesn’t yet ask the question she’s been dying to ask since she realized that Tim had invited her to Lucy’s apartment.

But later, when she’s in the car with him and they’ve been sitting in silence for a few moments, she does finally ask.

“So. Are we gonna talk about how you invited me to Lucy’s apartment and why you where there or…?”

She trails off and looks at him expectantly. He chuckles, and dips his head shyly to try and hide the smile she can still make out anyway.

“Yeah. Uhm. We’re uh… together.”

Even though she knew what he was going to say before he said it, it still takes her a little by surprise to hear it said out loud. She hums. He looks at her.

“You don’t look surprised.”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong. I was definitely surprised when I saw her earlier and realized that it was her apartment you invited me to, because I knew that it meant you two were probably together. You don’t spend time with your former rookies. But… she’s always been different to all the others, hasn’t she?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

There’s a fond smile on his face as he says it.

“I mean, it was obvious she always cared about you. She did call me and asked how you learned best, after all. You don’t do that unless you really care about someone.”

“That’s just who she is. Always taking care of the people around her.”

Isabel hums again, agreeing with him. Lucy always seemed too good and kind for this world.

“Congratulations, by the way. On making sergeant.”

He chuckles as he thanks her.

“How’s the job going anyway?”

“Good. It’s good. Metro’s more fun than I thought it would be.”

“Metro?”

“Yeah. Couldn’t exactly stay in the same chain of command after Lucy and I started dating, so. Switched to Court Liaison for a couple weeks so neither one of us had to transfer, before Lucy managed to coordinate an open spot in Metro to save me from boredom.”

Isabel doesn’t know what surprises her more. The fact that he’s no longer on patrol, or that he took a desk job. Willingly. But she knows him. He would never do that for someone, let alone someone who used to be his subordinate, his rookie, if it weren’t serious. If he wasn’t one hundred per cent in it. And she can see it in his eyes, in the way he has a constant little smile on his face now. And she could definitely see it in the way he looked at Lucy earlier.

He's head over heels in love with her.

And Lucy isn’t fairing much better. She saw the brief flash of jealousy earlier before she schooled her features and seemed to relax, confident in Tim’s commitment to her. She could see the love in her eyes as she looked at Tim.

“Wow. This is really serious for you.”

“It is,” he replies softly. There’s a few moments of comfortable silence between them before she decides to switch topics. It should be weird to talk to her ex about who he’s dating now, but it really wasn’t. She always hoped he’d find happiness again. And she’s so glad that he has.

“So. How’s she doing with the job?”

“She’s good. Really good. Planning on taking the detective’s exam soon. Probably gonna be UC for intelligence, or narcotics.”

Isabel doesn’t know what to say. The similarities to her are astounding. And she’s sure that Tim doesn’t like that. He was never a big fan of undercover work, even less so after what it did to her and their relationship. It’s gotta be difficult for him to have Lucy headed down a very similar path.

“And you’re… okay with that?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… come on. You know what I mean. It doesn’t bother you that she’s planning on doing UC work?”

The way he’s silent for too long tells her everything she needs to know. No. He does not, in fact, like it. She can practically feel the tension, the concern for Lucy radiating off him. But he doesn’t answer. Instead, he deflects.

“Can we not talk about this, please?”

She nods. She knows that UC is a sensitive topic for Tim. That’s to be expected. It does make her wonder though, why he hasn’t talked to Lucy about it. And why Lucy apparently hasn’t brought it up, either. Or hasn't pressed him enough. She has to know how difficult it is for Tim to be supportive of that. Then again, she’s never known someone as selfless as Tim. She really shouldn’t be surprised that he hasn’t brought it up.

And later, when they’re working the case, she can immediately see that Lucy is good at UC. But she knows that short ops like this one are different than long-term, deep undercover ops. Those require a certain kind of sacrifice that she’s not sure Lucy has really experienced before or is completely aware of.

Which is why she can’t stop herself from talking to her about it after they’ve successfully managed to get her former partner out. She spots Lucy across the bullpen after having said goodbye to Tim and thanking him for his willingness to help her in the first place – and telling him how good Lucy is for him, how happy she is that he’s happy. She makes her way over to her.

“Hey, Lucy!”

“Hi. You getting ready to leave?”

“Yeah. But I wanted to thank you for your help before I left. I know it must’ve been at least a little weird to see me again, now that, you know, you and Tim are together.”

Lucy chuckles.

“Maybe a little. But it was good seeing you, knowing you’re doing well.”

“Thank you. And thank you for making him happy and putting that constant smile on his face. It’s good to know he’s okay. Better than, even.”

Lucy smiles shyly. There’s a few moments of silence between them before Isabel speaks again.

“Listen. Uhm, I know I have no right to say anything but… are you sure undercover is what you want to do?”

Off of Lucy’s surprised look, Isabel continues.

“I asked Tim what you were planning to do, career-wise. And he mentioned you thought about becoming a UC detective in intelligence or narcotics...”

She trails off, letting the obvious similarities between her former career and Lucy’s apparent plans hang in the air. She takes a deep breath before continuing.

“Look. I know it’s really not my place to say anything, and I’m really sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable with it. But… make sure that undercover is really what you want to do. Because it would mean sacrificing a whole lot of personal life, of spending time with your partner, your friends. I experienced firsthand how difficult it is to build and be a relationship when you’re gone for so many months every year and only get a few days or weeks in between assignments. It really takes a toll on you.”

She pauses again to let it all sink in for Lucy before she continues.

“And… we both know that Tim’s way too selfless to ever say anything, but the thought of you being gone for months at a time is killing him. So, talk to him about it. If you don’t bring it up, he’ll just continue to bury it all before it would all boil over eventually. And who knows how that would end. Talk and be honest with each other. God knows you both deserve to be happy together.”

She can tell that she’s rendered Lucy utterly speechless for several moments. She probably never expected her, Tim’s ex-wife, of all people to give her a nudge in the right direction. She knows that Lucy probably knows that Tim doesn’t love the idea of UC for her. But maybe also thought he might’ve brought it up before if it really bothered him that much.

She saw firsthand how good Lucy is at undercover work. She knows she would do amazing work as a UC detective. But she also knows that, just because you’re good at something, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right thing for you to do. And Lucy doesn't really strike her as someone who likes being separated from her family for long periods of time.

“We both know that he’ll never ask you to walk away from something he knows you seem to love. But you need to talk about it if your relationship is supposed to survive. It sounds harsh but, I didn’t push him enough when we were together. And we both know how that worked out. No, undercover wasn’t the only problem we had, but it brought it all to the surface. I can tell that this, that you two together are different, but you need to talk it out.”

When Lucy remains silent for a little too long, Isabel fears that she’s majorly overstepped. Lucy’s a strong woman, she can make her own decisions without her input. But a little insight from someone who worked undercover for years and was in a relationship with Tim at the time might be helpful.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped here, I ju-“

“No, no. You-you’re fine. Thank you. I honestly don’t know why I haven’t really talked to him about it… maybe because I’m not sure it’s the right move. But I don’t know what I’d wanna do instead.”

“More reason to talk to him. Tell him what you think. Have him tell you what he thinks, what he really thinks. You know he’ll help you figure it all out,” Isabel tells her softly.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. I will. Thank you, again. I appreciate it.”

Isabel smiles at the younger woman.

“Take care, Lucy. I’m confident you’ll succeed with whatever you decide to do.”

“Thanks. You, too. It was good seeing you again.”

They go in for a brief hug and then say their goodbyes.

As Isabel walks out of the station, she is overcome with an intense sense of calm and right. Yes, a part of her will always love Tim, and she knows he feels the same. But it was good to finally see and accept that they were always headed in different directions. That they were never meant to last. And that Lucy was always exactly what and who he needed. She’s confident that they can overcome any and all curveballs life decides to throw at them.

She can’t help but chuckle once she’s in her car. Never in a million years did she expect Tim to fall for his rookie. But life can be funny. Sometimes, you meet your person in the most unlikely and unexpected way. But at exactly the right time.

And as she’s driving out of the parking lot of Mid-Wilshire, she wonders how long it’ll take before Tim proposes to Lucy (and whether or not she'll get an invitation). Because she knows with absolute certainty that that’s where those two are headed.

Because they were always meant to be.

#Isabel's POV #spec fic for 5x20 #mychenfordstories

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chenfordspiral · 11 months

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home is where my heart is (you feel like home)

One month.

It’s been one damn long month since Lucy went undercover. Since she last saw or had any contact with her friends. With Tamara. With Tim.

She can’t remember a time when she’d been out of contact with either one of them for this long. Because she hasn’t. Even when her relationship with Tim was strained after Vegas, and she was at UC school, there had been a handful of text messages, checking in with each other after she’d asked about Kojo once. No, they didn’t talk much at work after, and definitely not outside of work until he’d needed spinal surgery. But at least they’d seen each other. At least they’d known that the other was somewhere nearby and safe.

Now, there’s no way of communicating with him. None. And she doesn’t like it. She wants to check in with him, ask how he’s doing. She desperately hopes that he’s doing okay. She knows that it can’t be easy to have her being gone for so long given his history with undercover work. She hates herself for being the reason he’s likely sick with worry every day. Which in turn worries her. Because he’s not himself when he’s worried and scared for someone.

She tries to ask her handler about him, but she doesn’t exactly know him well, so she always just says “I’m sure he’s fine” whenever she dares to ask. And then she's quick to remind her of the fact that that’s not what she needs to focus on. That the op should be the only thing on her mind. But that’s easier said than done. She's usually good at compartmentalizing, but she’s never cared about someone as much as she cares about Tim.

Frankly, she’s never been in love with someone like she is with Tim. Actually… she’s never been in love before Tim, period.

And because she’s not getting very far with the investigation, time passes excruciatingly slowly. One day after the other. Sunrise to sunset. Over and over again. Every time she checks the time, she wants to cry out in frustration because it’s only been minutes since she last checked, not a few hours like she’d hoped. She barely stops herself from going out and finding a way to just make one quick call to Tim, just to hear his voice for a minute or two. But she knows she can’t. She can’t risk blowing her cover and getting killed. Frequently contacting her handler is already hard enough. So she doesn’t go.

Another couple dozen sunsets and sunrises pass. She knows she needs to keep her focus, but she can’t stop thinking about him. About how he might be spending his time in her absence. Does he check in and spend time with Tamara so neither one of them feels alone? Is he hanging out with Genny and his nephews? Angela and Wesley and Jack? How much is he working? Is he taking care of himself? Is Tamara taking care of herself?

She wants to chide herself for getting lost in her thoughts so often. But she can’t help it. She’s restless, and bored. And a little annoyed with this op. She knew going into this that she might not get out of it for weeks, or even months. She knew that she wouldn’t be allowed to contact anyone but her handler. She knew it would be difficult. But she hadn’t anticipated for it to be quite this painful.

Is this really what she wants to do for the next several years of her life? The days feel endlessly long. It’s been about two months now, and yet it feels like it’s been twice that long. She’s slowly but surely going crazy. She knows she’s good at undercover work. But is it worth it if it means essentially putting her life on hold for weeks or months at a time? For putting her life with Tim on hold? For making him live through this again? For essentially abandoning Tamara for an undetermined amount of time every couple of months?

She wants a future with Tim. She wants a family, kids with him. She wants to spend all her birthdays with him, not be alone and depressed like she was a few days ago. Yes, she could do this for a few years, and then retire from UC when she’s ready to have kids. But what if, in the meantime, their relationship takes a hit because she’s rarely home? She doesn’t want to lose him. Ever. He’s the most important person in her life and she doesn’t want what happened to Nyla and her family, to Isabel, to Noah to happen to her and Tim. She couldn’t handle destroying the best thing that ever happened to her.

But it’s not just about him. Yes, she enjoys undercover work. The shorter ops really are exciting and nerve wrecking in a good way. But the long-term ops like this one, where she doesn’t know when it’ll all come to an end? No, she doesn’t like it. Not as much as she thought she would. This isn’t me, she can’t help but think. Being separated from everything and everyone she loves and cares about for long periods of time is not what she wants to do. Not anymore.

It was different before. Before she went UC as Nova and missed out on what turned out to be the last few weeks of Jackson's life. Before Tamara became such an integral part of her life. Before Tim and her took a leap and started dating. Before she knew what life with Tim would be like. Before she had a future that would include marriage, and kids, and the white picket fence and all that. Before she realized that she shouldn’t be doing this just because she still thinks she needs to prove herself. Before she realized that her heart’s not completely in it anymore because of all of those reasons. Yes, special assignments like this help with recognition and promotions, but it’s not worth it if it means sacrificing a part of herself. And she doesn’t actually need to prove herself to anyone, she knows her colleagues respect her. And that she’s a damn good cop.

And she knows that she really shouldn’t be thinking about walking away from UC work while she's undercover. But she still does. Not much else she can do anyway while Arcane is still MIA. So that’s how she spends most of her time when she’s not with the rest of Arcane’s guys and trying to get more insight into his operations.

Until finally. Finally, after close to ten weeks, she’s getting somewhere. Finally, Arcane shows up for the first time since she went under. Finally, she can let Jones know to start getting ready for a bust soon. It sounds easy, but it isn’t.

She imagined many different bad outcomes for her first real long-term assignment, but she never imagined any of them to become reality. She doesn’t know why, but Arcane is wary of her from the start. She doesn’t think he knows she’s a cop, but something doesn’t seem to sit right with him. She knows she can’t defend herself the way she could if she were in uniform, if she weren’t trying to protect her cover.

So she has to let him take her to god knows where. Has to let him have his guys try and “rough her up” a bit. And she has to let the window for her next check in go by. And the one after that. She knows that the LAPD won’t immediately go looking for her after one missed check in, but she hopes for it anyway. She doesn’t want to find out what else Arcane is willing to do to her. But she kind of does anyway.

To say that she’s relieved to see cops is an understatement. Even more so because these are her people. Angela and Nyla. Aaron, Grey, Nolan, and Celina. Tim. She feels her heart skip a beat when she sees him for first time in ten weeks. Ten weeks. But the joy is short lived. Because nothing about this op and Arcane has ever been normal.

She can feel the bullet piercing through her skin, followed by excruciating pain. She can see Tim hovering above her moments later, pressing his hands to the wound to try and stop the blood from oozing out. And it’s right in that moment, when she can see the fear and utter panic in his eyes that she knows she’s done. Any lingering doubts she had about quitting UC is gone from her mind.

She doesn’t ever want to see that look on his face again. Not because of her. She knows it might seem quick for her to decide to stop with UC after one long-term op gone a little wrong. But she’s had two and a half months to think about it. Two and a half months of missing her friends, who’ve become family over the last few years. Two and a half months of missing her pseudo sister. Two and a half months of missing Tim.

Two and a half months of wishing she could just go home to him. Two and a half months of not feeling like herself.

She barely registers the chaos around her. All she can hear are Tim’s continued whispers, telling her you’re gonna be okay and just keep breathing, love.

She knows she’ll probably be fine, but she was already weaker than usual and she’s losing a lot of blood, so she's fading fast. The next time she wakes up, she’s not surprised it's in a hospital bed. She’s been awake for all of two seconds, but she can already feel herself slipping again, pain meds undoubtedly responsible for her heavy eyes. But she feels a warmth on her right. A hand tightly holding hers. She knows that hand, that warmth. She opens her eyes a bit more and there he is. Tim. She smiles to herself and feels something inside of her settle as she looks at him. I'm home.

He's asleep. His head rests partially on her upper thigh and pelvis. His face is turned toward her, eyes closed, his breathing even. She wants to reach out and just touch him. But he has her hand in a death grip even in sleep, and her other is hooked to an IV and machines monitoring her vitals. She wants to sift her fingers through his hair, smooth down every crazy strand. She wants to play with the short hairs at the base of his neck, the way she often does when they’re enjoying a quiet morning in bed together or are cuddling on the couch watching a movie.

She knows they have a lot to talk about later, when she feels better. She knows he’ll probably try to fight her on her decision about UC work, even though she knows he must hate it. And it’s the knowledge, that absolute certainty that he would support her despite all his fears that makes her decision so easy.

She knows that not everybody will understand why she wants to stop. And that some might say she shouldn’t let her relationship with Tim influence her decision. But he is the most important thing in her life, nothing has ever mattered more than him, than them. So of course their relationship is a major factor in her decision-making. It’d be unfair to him if it wasn’t.

She’ll figure out what to do instead. She has plenty of options, after all. And she knows that Tim will help her with it.

But for now, she’ll enjoy just being able to look at him again, to feel his hand in hers again. She’ll enjoy being back at his side again. She’ll enjoy the feeling of having that weight lifted off her chest, of having her heart feel light again.

For the first time since she went under 71 days ago, she’s finally back to feeling like herself again.

Because she’s finally home again.

#Lucy's POV #spec fic for 5x21 & 5x22 #mychenfordstories

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chenfordspiral · 11 months

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missing you sucks (i don't feel like me anymore)

Five weeks.

Tim hasn’t truly been himself in over five weeks.

Because that’s how long it’s been since Lucy went undercover. Since the last time he saw her. Since the last time they even talked to each other, in person or otherwise.

Since the day Lucy was assigned as his rookie, this is the longest they’ve ever been out of contact. And it’s so much harder now that he knows what it’s like to be with her. To hold her in his arms. To kiss her. To sleep in the same bed as her. To come home to her. No, they’re not actually living together, yet. But they haven’t spent many nights apart ever since they first started sleeping together.

And it’s weird, okay. He hasn’t felt this kind of need to constantly be with someone in a very long time. He’s used to seeing Lucy every day. Used to being able to just touch her and look at her whenever he wants to. Used to being in her presence. Used to knowing she’s somewhere close by just because he can smell the intoxicating mix of her perfume and shampoo. Used to her.

There’s only so much that he can do in a day to distract himself before his mind inevitably drifts to Lucy again.

The fear that she won’t come back is clawing at his heart in such a visceral way that he feels nauseous with it. He doesn’t know what he would do if she didn’t make it back for whatever reason. And he honestly doesn’t want to find out. Because it wouldn’t be pretty. He barely lived through losing Isabel. But losing Lucy? There will be no coming back from that. She’s his person. No one has ever understood him the way she does. No one has ever fought for him the way she always has. No one has ever cared enough to make him want to be a better person.

No one has ever loved him the way he knows Lucy does. He could see it every time she looked at him. He could feel it in every little touch, even in every playful punch. He could hear it in her voice whenever they’d talked about the future. She doesn’t need to say the three magic words for him to know it.

He knows she’s damn good at undercover work. He saw it firsthand with the Vegas op. But that doesn’t guarantee that nothing will happen to her. No, she won’t lose herself in it the way Isabel did, he’s sure of that. But some things are just out of her control. Just because she knows what she’s doing doesn’t mean the people she’s investigating won’t hurt her. Or recognize her from those damn documentaries. She’d be sure as dead if that ever happened. He tries not to think of all these possibilities too often. But that’s easier said than done. His mind usually goes to worst case scenarios first. And then he panics. He knows he’s totally not handling this well.

So he tries to keep busy as best as he can when he’s off the clock and not working overtime. He works out more than he has in a long time. He takes Kojo on hikes he knows Lucy would love; he can tell the canine misses Lucy, too, if the way he keeps watching the door expectantly is any indication. He watches sports. Works out some more. Spends time with Genny and her boys on occasion. And their questions about ‘when can we see Lucy again, Uncle Tim’ really don’t help at all. It’s yet another reminder that Lucy manages to leave a lasting impression on everyone she meets. She just brightens everyone’s day.

He checks in with Tamara almost every day. He’s pretty sure she’s tired of it, of him, at this point, but maybe she needs this just as much as he does. Because she keeps responding to his messages and calls, and doesn’t say anything. Ever. She even reaches out to him more than she ever has before. And she accepts his invitations to lunch at least once every week.

But he still feels an emptiness in his chest at end of every day. And it all boils down to one simple thing: he misses her. Terribly.

He’s missed her before. When she was no longer his rookie, he really did miss riding with her. Then she became his aide not too long after, and that feeling went away, so he didn’t bother trying to understand it. But then the whole pretending to be a couple thing happened and he finally understood why he’d been missing her so much, why he enjoyed spending time with her. He missed her in a way he didn’t think possible while she was at UC school and even after she’d gotten back.

That longing to be near her only got stronger after he could no longer distract himself with Ashley. He still saw Lucy every day, and yet the distance between them felt so insurmountable that he never thought they could go back to what they had before. Let alone become something even better, something he’d been longing for since she just grabbed his face and kissed him in her apartment.

But this? This kind of longing? It feels different. Because this time, she’s not right there at the station every day. Now, he doesn’t even know where she is. No one is allowed to tell him anything, which they all remind him of daily. He’s not allowed to ask, either – not that that stops him from asking anyway. But he never gets an answer past “You know I can’t tell you” or an ambiguous “she’s fine,” no matter who he’s asking.

He wants to be mad at all of them. At Isabel, for setting this whole thing in motion in the first place when she asked for his help all those weeks ago. At Harper, for continuing to encourage Lucy to do UC even after all it’s done to her family. At the fucking criminals Lucy’s trying to bust because they love making their money by selling drugs, regardless of the damages. At Lucy, for going under at all.

But he knows it’s all a little unreasonable. Because it’s not their fault. He only has himself to blame for getting so attached to Lucy that he can’t seem to live without her anymore. And it’s no one’s fault but his own that he hates this feeling of being completely out of control.

He tries to push it all down as best as he can, and somehow, he makes it through the days. One after the other; some passing by agonizingly slowly, others fairly quickly because work keeps him too busy to think too much. But one thing that all days have in common is the fact that it all comes crashing down on him when he’s home, when Lucy’s absence makes itself known the most.

But he keeps going through the motions, and the weeks go by. Soon, another month has passed, and it’s been nine weeks. Sixty-six days, to be precise. Sixty-six days of worrying and wishing she were home. Sixty-six days of feeling empty. Sixty-six days of pretending he’s fine.

Sixty-six days, one of which was Lucy’s birthday, her first since they got together. He’d hoped to be able to do something nice for her, to make the day memorable for her. He’d actually started thinking about it before she even went undercover because he wanted it to be perfect. But instead, it’s just another reminder that she’s not here. That they didn’t get to enjoy this day together. That they missed out on a first.

He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to live through this more than once. But he also knows that he would never ask Lucy to walk away from this, no matter how much he wants to. Sure, they’re together, they’ve even talked about having kids together someday. But it’s still her life, her career, her choice. Just because he’s her boyfriend doesn’t mean he gets a say in this. She deserves to make decisions about her career without having to consider his problems with UC work. He doesn’t want to be the reason she walks away from something she loves. But a part of him is hoping for it a little anyway.

He knows that some might not understand why he’s with Lucy at all given her love for undercover work and his history with it. But it’s really simple. He’d rather spend as much time as he can with her than have to live without her. Sure, if something happened to her, it would destroy him. But it would be even worse if they were broken up and something still happened to her. He wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of it all.

Safe to say his mind has been a mess since the day he last saw her.

Another few days pass – bringing the total to 70 – before he hears that Lucy has finally confirmed their target. Mitchell Arcane had been MIA since before Lucy went under, and Tim’s glad that they finally seem to be getting somewhere. Because that means the op might come to an end soon and Lucy can come home.

It all sounds so easy. But it turns out to be anything but.

He’s always feared that he might never see Lucy again because the op went south. But none of those times compare to now. Because Lucy just missed her check in for the first time since she went under. She never misses a check in. The one time she did, she almost died. It’s been less than 24 hours since she confirmed their target and now she hasn’t checked in. That fear that he’s been trying so hard to push down comes back tenfold. Because they have no idea where she is. No freaking clue. Where are they even supposed to begin looking when they don’t know her last location?

Logically, Tim knows all of that. But that doesn’t stop him from yelling at Nyla, Angela and Isabel in the middle of the bullpen anyway. Fear is a strong emotion. And it’s driving him insane.

He usually prides himself with being able to keep his cool in tough situations, but he’d quickly come to realize that nothing will ever be normal for him when it comes to Lucy Chen years ago.

The next 17 hours pass in a blur. But at least at the end of it all, there’s Lucy. For the first time in two and a half months, they’re finally in the same room again. Even if it’s a hospital room, where Lucy’s sound asleep in bed after having gotten out of surgery a few hours prior because she’d been shot.

He’s come down from the heights of fear by now, he thinks. At least a little. Because she’s here, alive and breathing. And that’s all he could ask for. Yes, he wishes desperately that she hadn’t gotten shot, but at least it wasn’t anything live threatening. He doesn’t know what exactly happened, why Lucy had to go dark and why Arcane didn’t seem to know she was a cop but still shot her, because Lucy hasn’t been awake often or long enough to answer any of those questions.

But he doesn’t care much. All he cares about is that she’s back at his side. And he won’t be going anywhere any time soon, either. He’s saved up enough overtime during the last ten weeks that he can take some time off to take care of Lucy while she recovers. She’ll argue with him, but he’ll stand his ground. Nothing and no one will be able to convince him otherwise.

Lucy likes to talk things out, so he’s already preparing himself for whatever conversations she wants to have; if any. This was her first long term UC op since before Jackson was killed, and it didn’t go the way anyone had expected it to, so he doesn’t know if UC is still the path she wants to go, but he wants to be ready for whatever she has to say.

If this is still what she wants to do, he’ll support her. Yes, it’ll be hell for him to live through whenever she’s gone. But he’ll take all the time he can get with her, no matter what. If she says she’s done, he’ll support her with that, too. He’ll help her figure out what else she could do. He knows that no matter what she chooses, she’ll kick ass and absolutely kill it. Because she’s the best cop he’s ever trained, and one of the best he's ever seen. He’ll make sure to tell her that at some point.

But for now, he’ll continue to hold her hand in his and watch her chest rise and fall with each breath. For now, he’ll wait for her to wake up again so he can tell her how freaking proud he is of her, how glad he is that she’s okay, and how much he loves her. For now, he’ll enjoy just being able to look at her again. For now, he’ll lean forward to press a kiss to her temple and just breathe her in.

Everything else can wait until later.

Because for the first time in 71 days, he finally feels like himself again.

#Tim's POV #spec fic for 5x21 & 5x22 #mychenfordstories

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