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#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus
topaztimes
·
14 days
Text
Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...
#Still more time...
#Wouldn't want to plague any previews
#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun
#Is this enough?
#It certainly is now
#Alright start:
#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight
#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /
#/of constant self-loathing
#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea
#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /
#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed
#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore
#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done
#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though
#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /
#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward
#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme
#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way
#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs
#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /
#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days
#Literally what am I doing this for
#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /
#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life
#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me
#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus
#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore
#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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