#a lot of my internalised ableism is at the forefront right now

[chronicillnesscaneffoffplease]

I hate how sleep and fatigue seem like they should correlate and yet they don’t.

I’ve been sleeping more recently (averaging about 90min more than usual) and you might think “oh, that means you’re less fatigued right?” Which would be a false assumption. Because just because I’m sleeping longer doesn’t mean I’m not waking up more during the night (from pain, or nausea, or palpitations or bladder urgency… or all of them at once), or getting more of the good stuff (rem and deep sleep) according to my Fitbit. Today I woke early and haven’t been able to get back to sleep at all. And yet I’m still so fatigued. And like yes I’ve I been diagnosed with mild positional sleep apnoea (which I’m managing) and a slight sleep latency but I was told unequivocally by the sleep doc that the severity and patterning of my fatigue was not explained by these findings. The only night I’ve slept through in the last fortnight or so is the night I took my strong pain meds for intractable TMJ pain. Which makes me think that pain is an element. But probably not the whole picture.

I try to figure out if it’s physical stuff, I try to balance probabilities if it’s depression (it’s been a rough couple of months when I think about it), is something else going wrong with me? Or is this just my normal, a result of all my various conditions.

At some point I think I need to accept that my fatigue is chronic, that I do experience some sort of PEM, and I probably need to pursue me/cfs with my GP again. She was the one who brought it up with me last year, but it fell to the wayside a bit with the hEDS and bladder/bowel stuff that took over last year. But even though I feel like I’ve too much energy to have me/cfs, I do experience the malaise and flu-like symptoms when I overdo it. And overdoing it can look different from week to week. I don’t know.

#the ups and downs of chronic illness #chronic fatigue #chronic pain #gastrointestinal fuckery #acid reflux (derogatory) #mentally not vibing right now #along with a spate of falls and injuries that have even my friends concerned enough to start reccomending mobility aids #and my chronic migraines chronic migraine-ing #it’s a bit hard at the minute #a lot of my internalised ableism is at the forefront right now #a win was I did get a parking permit! because of the EDS i qualify for a permanent one which def tripped the dude up #the dude who processed my permit that is #I like the permit as it’s very good for campus (which is where I need it most) but tbh I don’t use it much elsewhere if I can help it #only time I used it off campus was at a social event where parking was pretty busy and I did not have the energy to walk very far #and that was very irritating because someone parked me in by illegally parking over the stripped keep clear bit #had to clamber over the passenger side #exactly what I want to do after I’ve already pushed myself to the limit somewhat by doing a social thing after a full day of classes/study #thesis-ing is going well #it’s a very different pace of work and study #but I love my topic and everyone I talk to in my faculty are also hyped and being really nice #honestly academics can be really great sometimes #also my Microsoft word game is leveling up #I am never going to be normal about formatting documents again