#able to call the driving school back abt scheduling lessons after 2 yrs! i cant get myself to enroll in the health insurance!

[audiovisualrecall]

Last night my mom was like okay tomorrow let's spend the day looking into the state health insurance stuff together and I was like okay great! I'll enroll in the work one and we will see if the state options are any good. I Can dream about doing The Artist Thing and not just continue to try to do the Normal (aka Neurotypical) Thing of a normal Job when my brain isn't good at that and it leads to embarrassing meltdowns and lots of stress for me.

And today.... she apparently asked dad to start working on it with me but I didn't come down for breakfast till 11 at which pt he started working on the easel he's actually decided to Make me for my birthday gift (crazy man! Looks at the ones in stores and looks at plans and decides he can do better and just goes and starts!), and he didn't mention anything to me before that, and she was at services this morning and then got some groceries and got home at like almost 1, had a snack? Lunch? And was like I'm gonna just sit down for a bit and then we can do that, but I started reading and just realized it's almost 2 so went to talk to her and she's napping. So. Idefk. I'm disappointed.

#also trying to explain that like. i have been masking a lot since i was young. so i seem 'high functioning' or 'low support needs' but that #doesnt mean NO support needs and Also ive been struggling more and more the older i get with everything #I'm realizing i will continue to need more support than someone else might think i would and #people simultaneously insult and attempt to compliment me abt it #like steph telling me i should move out and be independent meanwhile i struggle with making phone calls. i paid for driving lessons 2 yrs #ago and still havent called them back to schedule the damn lessons! #bc the mix of adhd and tism means i Cant Do It #i can look up stuff abt the health insurance on my own but I'm likely to just get overwhelmed and minimize the page and do nothing with it #i have meltdowns at work due to a mix of rsd and stress and frustration. #I'm struggling and need help but its help an almost 30 yr old 'shouldnt' need help with. and my over-60 retired parents 'shouldnt' be th #the support system for an almost 30 yr old who is so 'functional' like. I'm a gremlin that can pretend to be a person a lot of the time #and if not them then who? if i moved out how would i manage? between anxiety and adhd and depression and autism. #i already forgot to order my meds in time once! i forgot to delay an autoship and ended up with too many boxes of cat litter! i havent been #able to call the driving school back abt scheduling lessons after 2 yrs! i cant get myself to enroll in the health insurance! #i cant BE independent and i dont necessarily want to be about half the time but then i feel self conscious and ashamed and uncomfortable bc #I'm 30 and i dont ACT like it #and 'well youre not as bad as so in sos son who Cant hold a job' like. ma. I only got my job bc i was lucky. #bc i responded to tbe survey when i failed the little test in the application and someone read my response and decided to give me a call #bc nino was a good dude and the corporate bs hadnt gotten so bad at wfm. #and then my current position was also luck (or unlucky) bc diana left and they had no one else for the role and i was into the flowers and #helped out big time on making a display and on supporting floral etc before she left after a big holiday #and they were like so imran said u did a good job w that so would u be interested in the job? #i wish id said no but then i wouldve gone for supervisor which i also wouldnt have had fun with #like are there good things i got out of my job? if course. i did grow! i did learn a lot! but I'm not Good At It. is really hard on my rsd #to fail or feel like i fail repeatedly. and the stress is bad for me and I dont wsnt them to fire me over something stupid #and j hate the corporatism and the leadership #bc this type of job COULD bc good. i could do it. with a lot more support and a bigger team than they think i need #anyway. #i just... want something different. #i cant think of any traditional job where it wouldnt be the same shit