#to fail or feel like i fail repeatedly. and the stress is bad for me and I dont wsnt them to fire me over something stupid

[normspellsman]

I Trusted You

part one | part two

pairing: neteyam x fem!omatikaya!reader

genre: angstish, arguing (lo’ak & neteyam), fluffish, siblings fighting, & comfort

word count: 2.3k+

warning(s): lo’ak + neteyam arguing, neteyam being absolutely livid, cursing, jake having to break up neteyam + lo’ak, mentions of injury + death + blood, lo’ak + neteyam physically fighting, nete blaming lo’ak for you getting hurt, mentions of nearly crying, slight foreshadowing to the events of atwow, & kissing

taglist: @dearstell @aonungsmate @lvlyynim @optimisticblazetrash @thatonegirlwiththebeanie367 @universal-s1ut @minkyungseokie @arianapjs @wwwellacom @goodiesinthecloset21 @liyahsocorro @amortencjja @chshshhshshshshshshs

word bank: skxawng — idiot; moron, irayo — thanks; thank you, tsmuke — sister, yawntutsyip — darling; little one, tiyawn — love, & nga yawne lu oer — i love you

note: literally spent all day thinking about this fic & just had to write it, hope you enjoy! <3 also, tysm for 1k+ notes on the first part. like that’s totally insane. i love you all mwahhh 💋💋

Neteyam was pissed. Very, very pissed.

He gave his brother one job and he couldn’t even succeed in executing it. Lo’ak was apparently too fucking incompentent to do the one thing he asked of him. Stupid fucking skxawng, he thought to himself, shaking his head in disappointment.

Anxiety riddled Neteyam’s body as he stood outside of the Tsahìk’s tent waiting for his Grandmother to finish patching you up. All he wanted was to have you in his arms and hold you but his Grandmother deemed his clinginess a distraction and promptly kicked him out of the tent so she could work and properly focus without him practically breathing down her neck. He began to pace up and down the side of the tent in anxiety, chewing at his fingernails.

Neteyam knew that putting all the blame on his younger brother wasn’t something he should be doing, but he found himself doing it anyway.

Nothing good ever comes out of Lo’ak’s plans or adventures. Someone within his group always ends up hurt which results in Neteyam having to save his ass more times than he could remember to count. He didn’t mind it much then, you weren’t really in the picture then nor did you ever accompany Lo’ak on his explorations. But once you wiggled your way into the eldest Sully’s life and ultimately stole his heart in the process, you frequented Lo’ak’s trips more and more. If Na’vi could develop grey hairs, Neteyam would have a head full of them. Poor boys heart stopped every time he learned that you joined Lo’ak and company to wherever. He was always stressed about your safety.

“Is she okay?” A voice asked, concern laced within their tone.

Neteyam’s tail swished in agitation at the voice. Lo’ak, he internally seethed.

“No, she’s not. No thanks to you,” he growled out, pacing ceasing.

Lo’ak knew he fucked up. He knew he shouldn’t have let Tuktirey convince you to join them on their excursion. He knew he should’ve done more to protect you from the threats of Quaritch and his knife.

“I didn’t know this was going to happen, Neteyam,” Lo’ak replied, ears pinned back as he watched his brother shoot a deadly glare at him, “I didn’t even ask her to go in the first place. Tuk did.”.

Neteyam scoffed at his brother's answer. How dare he blame Tuk for this. He was the elder brother in the moment, he should’ve acted like it.

“Don’t bring Tuk into this. You know damn well that (Y/N) can’t say no to her. You should’ve stopped her from going either way,” he retorted, finger digging into Lo’ak’s chest as he repeatedly poked it into his skin as he spoke. “You knew the promise you made to me and yet you failed to protect her,” he added.

“You don’t think I know that?” Lo’ak hissed out, pushing Neteyam’s finger away from his chest, “You don’t think I’m beating myself up for it? That I don’t feel bad? I feel awful.”.

“I know that I’m the fucked up failure of the family but that doesn’t mean you can blame me for everything,” he added, tail copying his brothers previous movements in anger, “(Y/N) has a free will of her own and decided to come on her own terms. None of us knew what was going to happen tonight. It is Quaritch and his soldiers fault for what they did. They caused it and we just so happened to be in the crossfire.”.

Neteyam shook his head angrily at Lo’ak, braids harshly swaying at the movement. Everything seemed to have gotten hotter. All Neteyam could feel was hot anger. He was so angry that he saw only red.

“She wouldn’t have gotten hurt if you weren’t at the abandoned shack, Lo’ak. You were there and they took advantage of that, holding all of you hostage for just being there,” he argued back.

Neteyam knew that Quaritch was to blame for all of this but if Lo’ak wasn’t there in the first place, none of this would’ve occurred tonight. He led everyone to the one place they weren’t supposed to go. A place their Father had established was off limits. Lo’ak never thought about others whenever he went to chase a thrill, always paying for the consequences after the fact.

“You don’t think, Lo’ak. You never do! You don’t think of the consequences of your actions,” Neteyam added, hands lifting up by his sides as he gestured towards the boy in front of him.

A part of his statement was true. Lo’ak tended to act before he was able to think. But even then, he felt as if it wasn’t fair for all the blame to be put onto his shoulders. Lo’ak did reckless shit all the time and his actions rarely severely impacted others the way it did tonight. Tonight was out of his control. The ball was no longer in his hands when a soldier took a hold of Tuk, the ball being snatched out from his fingers and into the grips of Quaritch.

A hiss crawled its way out of Lo’ak’s throat, pushing back his brother with enough force to send him stumbling back. He was tired of Neteyam harassing him for something he had no control over.

The elder hissed back, lunging at his brother and tackling him to the ground. Punches and slaps were thrown as the two brothers rolled on the ground. Insults were shouted out into the air at each other causing heads to turn and peak out in curiosity.

“Enough!” A loud voice boomed, grabbing the shoulders of Neteyam and yanking him off of Lo’ak, pushing him backwards and further from his brother. “Get your crap together you two! There is no means for you to fight!” Jake shouted, pulling his other son to his feet.

Both boys' ears were pinned back against their heads and tails fell limp between their legs. Anger had overtaken both of their senses and caused their minds to become overwhelmed with the emotion, taking it out on each other.

“Both of you go to your respective tents, now!” Jake shouted once again, not leaving room for objections.

Neteyam didn’t want to leave you alone in his Grandmother's tent. He wanted to hold you as Mo’at patched you up and slowly began to heal the wounds on your thigh. But he knew that after the fight he just caused, he needed time to cool down and collect his thoughts. Plus, you most likely heard the entire argument and didn’t want to see him after he spat such harsh words towards Lo’ak, who only tried his best to protect you and his loved ones.

Both brothers walked to their tents in silence, heads bowed in shame as others looked at them as they walked by.

Nothing good came out of this night and all Neteyam wanted to do was have you in his arms as he covered every inch of you in gentle kisses to ease his mind.

———

Kiri had assisted you towards your shared tent with Neteyam. She allowed you to put all your weight on her as she wrapped your arm around her shoulder and walked you to your home. The poor girl was still shaken over what happened hours prior, still trying to process your stabbing and the kidnapping of Spider. She most definitely was going to cry herself to sleep tonight, that’s if she managed to fall asleep.

“You sure you’re alright?” Kiri softly asked, settling the both of you in front of the opening of your home. She removed your arm from her shoulder and held you steady by placing her hands on either side of your arms.

You nodded in response, smiling at her as you did so.

“Irayo, tsmuke,” you replied, placing one of your hands on her forearms, a look of understanding etched onto your face as you two stood there in slight silence.

“Goodnight, (Y/N),” she responded back, placing her forehead on yours before pulling back and making the trek back to her family’s tent.

You slowly and gently shifted towards the covering of the opening of your tent, pulling it back as you made your way inside as slowly as you could so as not to cause anymore pain or aches to settle itself in your fresh wounds.

Neteyam and you had gotten your own tent after the official announcement of your relationship to the clan a few months back. Your parents weren’t too keen on the idea but eventually gave in once the frequent attacks of the sky people occurred, wanting the two of you to spend as much time together in case either of you were to fall victim to the bullets of the humans.

It was nice having your own place. It gave the both of you a lot more freedom as mates as well as allow you to explore your creative side when it came to decorating your home.

“Yawntutsyip?” Neteyam called out, upper half peeking out from behind one of the other rooms your tent held.

The teen's eyes lightened up upon settling on your figure, fully coming out from behind the wall and making his way towards you, bringing you into his embrace gently so as to not hurt you. He nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck, deeply inhaling your scent to calm down his anxiety.

“Are you okay? Was Grandmother gentle? Did she patch you up all right?” He hurriedly asked, eyes trailing to your bandaged thigh, refraining himself from reaching out and touching it.

You softly giggled at his frantic voice, softly kissing his lips to silence him. “I am alright, Teyam,” you responded, brushing your nose up against your lovers as he relaxed in your hold.

Neteyam sighed in slight relief, nuzzling his face into the side of your cheek and then back down to your neck. He pulled you tighter into his arms as he lowly and gently purred at the fact that you were now in his embrace in one piece.

“Mo’at said to take it easy for the next couple of days,” you added, pecking your mates cheek as you gently coaxed him out from your neck.

He only hummed in acknowledgment, gazing into your eyes as he brought one hand up to your jaw, caressing it with the side of his thumb. He’ll make sure that you barely move a finger your entire healing journey, him being the one to wait on hand and foot for you. You’ll be taken care of whenever he’s around.

“I heard what you and Lo’ak were talking about earlier,” you mumbled out, eyes darting to the side briefly before returning to Neteyam’s slightly larger orbs.

He only closed his eyes as a reply to your statement, guilt eating away at his conscience. He felt terrible for fighting with his brother in front of the tent you were in and that you had to hear everything. He didn’t want you to hear the colorful words he spat at Lo’ak in his moment of anger. He didn’t want you to see or hear him like that.

“I don’t blame him, Nete. He tried his best to protect me from…Quaritch,” you continued, rubbing your hands on his shoulders in comfort, “Yes, perhaps he should’ve stopped me from going but I chose to go in the end. None of us knew what was going to happen. There was nothing we could’ve done, that Lo’ak could’ve done in the moment.”.

Neteyam knew that your words were true. Lo’ak was only still a child and was put into a life or death situation. Held hostage by someone who wouldn’t hesitate to kill them if they made the wrong move. He couldn’t imagine the type of stress his brother, especially you, went through. It was something that most likely would affect all of you for days to come.

“I know, I know, my love. It’s just,” he begins, throat constricting as he tried not to cry in front of you, “I was so scared to lose you. My anger got the best of me and the only one I could blame was Lo’ak in the moment. It doesn’t excuse the things I said and did, but I was so overtaken by you nearly dying that all common thinking flew out the window.”.

“I only want to protect you, tiyawn,” he finished, placing a gentle kiss onto your forehead before placing his own against yours.

You understood where Neteyam was coming from. Hell, you’d probably do the same if you were in his shoes. Anger was something that many didn’t have complete control over, succumbing to its power in the end. Neteyam had been a victim of its power this night and deeply regretted it with all his heart. He caused more pain to his brother. More pain than he had gone through within the last few hours.

He knew Lo’ak deeply cared for you. That he was merely just checking in to see if you were okay. But Neteyam had snapped at him and released all his frustrations and anxiety onto him as a result.

“I know, ma Neteyamur,” you replied, gently smiling at him.

You knew that whatever Neteyam did was only ever out of love and that was one of the main things that made you fall for him in the first place. He deeply cared for those he loved and would do anything for them. You just hoped that it wouldn’t be the cause of his downfall.

“Nga yawne lu oer,” Neteyam softly whispered against your lips, not giving you time to repeat the sentiment back as he smashed his lips into yours.

He’d do anything for you. He was yours and you were his. He’d fight fiercely for the connection and love you two shared. It was neither of your time yet. He’d make sure of it.

#atwow imagines #avatar imagine #avatar: the way of water #avatar #atwow #atwow x reader #atwow x you #avatar x reader #angst #neteyam imagine #neteyam sully x y/n #neteyam sully #neteyam x reader #neteyam x y/n #neteyam sully x reader #neteyam imagines #neteyam #neteyam sully x you

[jacaerysgf]

Econ tutor | 100 Follower Special

Summary: You're failing econ and you need to pass this semester. When you asked your professor he told you he would assign you a tutor, Ethan Landry.

Pairing: Ethan Landry x Fem!reader

Warnings: SLOWBURN, fluffy, he fell first and fell harder, no ghostface au! Ooc characters (Happy friend group laugh out loud), ethan gives me peanut allergy vibes, misunderstanding trope, strangers to friends to lovers, not proofread.

word count: 9.3k

Looking at the grade from your most recent test on canvas you can only groan and put your head in your hands, You suck at econ. Econ aka economics is one of the worst classes ever invented. 

You couldn't fail this class, you needed it to graduate and you definitely weren't repeating it especially when you paid a lot of money to take it. As a freshman at Blackmore University you needed to take econ for your degree and it sucks. 

You should email your professor and ask if he's free. You draft out an email and during his open hours you send it to ask if he has any advice for you to improve your grade. Just like any other professor he of course does not answer you within a reasonable time and all you can do is stress out for the next week.

He finally gets back to you and tells you to meet him after your last class. You dreadfully walk your way to his class and knock on the door. "Come in." You open the door and see your professor standing by his desk with a boy who must be the same age standing stiffly near him.

You make your way towards them and you feel confused, Did you get the time wrong? No, you repeatedly checked the time and date so you can't be wrong.

Your questions are quickly answered as he begins to speak. "This is Ethan Landry, he's a star student and he's agreed to tutor you and prepare you for the final." The final was a couple months away as it was only just the beginning of the second semester and you needed to pass it to pass the class.

You look at Ethan who smiled as soon as you looked at, "It's nice to meet you." "It's nice to meet you too." He's not bad to look at, at all. He's got a nice smile and curly hair, he wears a plain black hoodie and blue jeans with sneakers. He's cute. 

The professor goes over some other things like scheduling and how you two should scheduling meeting days. Once you two are dismissed you are standing outside of his room with him.

"So, could I get your number?" He looks at you shocked, his face slightly red, "You know, so I can text you and we schedule a day to meet." He looks embarrassed, "Oh right." 

You hand him your phone and he puts his number in and hands it back. An awkward silence falls over you as you bounce heel to toe. "So.... When are you free?"

"What?" "You know, like for our first session." You're shocked his face can get anymore red, "Right! I'm free any day. I never really have anything planned. Oh my god that sounds so lame I mean I have plans sometimes just not anytime soon-""Ethan." You're laughing. He's really cute.

He's looking down at his feet as he kicks some of the pebbles on the ground. "I'm sorry I'm not laughing at you. Promise." He nods. seemingly not believing in you as you continue. "So, What about thursday? I get out of my liberal arts class at 2 then I'm free for the rest of the day." 

He nods, "I get out of algebra at 2:30 if you're willing to wait." You nod as you smile. “That's fine, We could meet in the library?” He nods, “yes that works.” You smile as he lifts his head, “I really want to thank you for doing this, I really appreciate it.” He nods and scratches the back of his neck with a sheepish grin, “It's no problem really.” 

You begin to walk back and wave “I'll see you.” You turn back before he gets to say anything and head to your dorm for the day, exhausted after your morning classes. He seems like the nerdy smart type and that’s good because you really need help with this class. You should find a way to thank him for doing this.

It's monday so you have a couple days until your first session. For some odd reason you can't wait to study econ.

–

‘Do you have a favorite dessert?’ Ethan can barely believe his eyes at the text you just sent him. It's Tuesday and he doesn't have class on Tuesday so he spends the morning at the gym, sweat dripping down his face as he reads over the text you sent. Dessert? Why were you asking him about the dessert? “It's the first text you sent him other than a confirmation text to confirm it was actually his number (a text he totally did not stress over for about ten minutes before he answered) 

He couldn't believe his luck when his econ professor had come up to him and asked if he would tutor you since you were failing the class. You being the person he had a massive crush on since he first saw you walking around campus, then he found out you were in the same econ class as him and began to sit closer to you during class so he could look at you. Not in a stalker way of course. He didn't mention this to anyone, especially not Chad, his roommate and the person who he considers to be his best friend. Chad would definitely find a way to make fun of him and beg him to ask you out at any given moment. 

When he was talking to you yesterday he felt like his heart was about to burst out of his chest. He made a fool out of himself and he was embarrassed, of course the first time he tries to talk to you he ruins it. You laughed at him, your laugh is nice so is your smile it's so much better when directed at him than seeing you smile from across the room. “What's got you smiling like that huh?” Chad had walked up to him with a curious look on his face and a grin. “Nothing.” Ethan quickly turned off his phone as Chad crossed his arms, “Nope what is it.” Ethan sighs, “It's nothing really.” His phone dings and before Ethan can blink, Chad is snatching it out of his hand, “Hey!” You texted again, ‘also do you have any allergies?’ Ethan tries to get the phone back but Chad is looking at it with a tilted head, “Y/n? With heart next to it dude you never told me you got a girlfriend.” Ethan manages to get the phone back and shakes his head, “She's not my girlfriend.” Chad now has a look on his face that Ethan does not like, “Oh you got a crush on the girl, got it.” 

Ethan groans as he sits down on the bench, This isn't good. “I dont think ive heard of her, I'm gonna ask Tara if she knows her.” Chad pulls out his phone. “Please don't.” “aaaaaaand send, oh no too late.” Ethan groans and lays back on the bench with his head in his hands. This is the worst, exactly what he was trying to avoid. Ethans phone buzzes and he looks at it, ‘No way your nerd ass has a crush on that hottie LOL.’ He throws the phone on the ground next to him and covers his face. Chad laughs, “Oh she works with Tara and is her lab partner, ooo she sent me her insta.” Ethan’s ears burn, he is so embarrassed. “Oh she's cute, ask her out.” 

Ethan finally sits up, “No way.” Chad rolls his eyes, “Dude why not.” Ethan shakes his head, “She doesn't like me. She doesn't even know me.” Chad sits on the bench next to him, “If she doesn't like you then why the hell is she asking you if you're allergic to anything?” “I dont know im her tutor for econ-” “woah woah woah woah back up.” Ethan sighs, “You're her tutor??” “Starting thursday.” He can't wait for Thursday, it had only been a day since he found out and he could barely contain his excitement. “Oooo the perfect opportunity to ask. her. out.” “Chad-” “Think about it, you two are sitting cozy in your bed going over notes-” “Why are we in my bed?” “And you make a move on her, it's perfect.” “You're ridiculous.”  “I'm not being ridiculous, I'm being serious, ask her out.”

Ethan stands up and cleans up his stuff to leave, “Nope and this is exactly why i didn't want to tell you.” Chad shakes his head, “Don’t worry man I got you.” “Don't even think about it.”

–

‘Um, I like cookies.’

‘Allergies? I'm allergic to peanuts.’

You had settled on making him a dessert as a gift most people like desserts right?. Cookies it is. You started researching different recipes and planned out a day to go get ingredients when you got a text from tara. 

‘Hey, are you free on friday?’

You groan and hope she's not about to ask you to cover a shift for her, Fridays are usually a free day for you, no classes and no school so you're free to do what you want and you do not want to spend another Friday covering a shift.

‘If you need me to cover a shift for you, no but if it's for anything else then yes.’

‘You wouldnt cover for me 🙁’

‘No way.’

‘Im joking, you're coming with me to go bowling with my friends. Five. be dressed i'm gonna come pick you up.’

‘Do I have a choice? You never invite me to these things.’

‘Nope. love you <;3’

Why does she want you to come? It's an odd request because despite the fact you two are close you've never been invited to hang with her friend group, you don't even know who’s in said group. You thumbs down her last message before going back to your cookie research. 

–

“She’s coming!” “Nice!” Ethan glares at Tara and Chad as they high five and peck lips in his dorm. “What are you two talking about?” Tara smiles at him as she moves to leave for the night, “Oh nothing, just got you a bowling partner for friday, you're welcome.” Ethan tilts his head confused, “I thought Quinn was gonna be my partner.” His sister, Quinn, while not a main member of their friend group, usually joined them for these sorts of hang outs, “She cant make it she needs to make up a test for physics.” 

Ethans earlier conversation with Chad plays in his mind as he looks at them, “What did you two do?” “Nothing! Goodnight!” “Tara!” She runs out the door and he turns to Chad, “Don't you dare tell me-” “You're welcome.” 

Ethan flops onto his bed and sighs. He should have never let Chad find out and now Tara knew and that only made it worse. He runs his hands over his face, he really likes you and he doesn't want to ruin it, now he would be partnered with you for bowling and the worst thing is he sucks at bowling. 

–

It was wednesday and you were in lab with tara doing some research lab, she was clearly not interested in it though as she started talking to you.

"So I heard you're getting tutored for econ." you turn to her shocked, "how did you hear about that?" she rolls her eyes, "um i'm dating chad?" "I know? what does that have to do with anything?" she gives you a dumbfounded look, "Ethan is Chad's roommate? And my friend? did you seriously not know this, he's gonna be there on friday."

oh. "No?!? why would i know that tara i usually tune out whenever you start talking about him-" "hey what's that supposed to mean-" "it means i don't want to hear about you and what your boyfriend are up to especially knowing you-" "knowing me?-" "you're gonna say something weird so i tune out-" "I would never." You give her a blank stare and she shrugs, "You're just mad I have a hot boyfriend. I knew it."

You groan and look at your paper and begin to work, "definitely not jealous tara." "sure...." for a few moments it's quiet and you hope that's the end of her questioning but of course, "there has to be a guy you think is cute."

You look at her, "What?" "Is there a guy you think is cute?" "Tara, stop pushing your relationship agenda onto me. I don't need a boyfriend- ""or a girl I don't judge-" "tara." "One person just named one."

you roll your eyes, "i don't know," You think and your mind automatically drifts back to ethan. You two haven't texted since you asked him about desserts but right now when asked if there's a guy you think is cute all you can think about are his dreamy eyes and curly hair. "Ethans pretty cute." You blurt out before you can stop yourself and slap your hand over your mouth, tara grins. You don't like that grin.

"I see...." "I didn't mean to say that-" "okay...." "Tara forget about it." "No way." she pulls her phone and texts someone while you can only look at her with horror. "Who are you texting?" "nobody." she smiles as she puts her phone down and goes back to work, "Oh come on we need to finish this paper." "I hate you."

--

Thursday had rolled around faster than you thought it would. Yesterday after your work shift you walked to the grocery store and picked up what you needed to make a (hopefully) good batch of cookies. Walking out of your liberal arts class you walk back to your dorm and pick up the cookies you made and make your way to the library.

You sit down at one of the empty tables and text him where you're sitting. You don't receive a response until 2:30, 'Okay! I'll meet you there, just need to run back and grab my econ textbook.'

He walks in at 2:45, he spots you and smiles as he moves towards you. "Hi." "Hey there." He sits across from you. He looks cute today, he's wearing a red sweater with black jeans, and his hair looks really soft. "So..." You realize you're staring and look down at your notes you had pulled out. “Um….” It's awkward, his face is red and he’s fiddling around with his papers. You need to end this before you guys just end up sitting here in silence. “Do you mind if we start with the recent test, I'm sorry but it's just… It was really bad.” You laugh and he smiles, “No I mean yes! Of course we can.” As soon as you begin you fall into an easy conversation, He’s way more confident while going over Econ, you realize it's kind of hot that he’s so smart. 

“I'm sorry but I don't know how much more econ I can take for the day.” You rub your head as he laughs. It's now after six and you're starving. “That's okay, we can wrap up for the day and continue next time.” You two pack up and walk out the library together, the sun is set so it's dark out and he looks at you worried, “I didn't even notice the sun had set.” You say looking at the sky, “Please it's my fault let me walk you to your dorm.” You laugh and shake your head, he looks really worried and apologetic, it's cute. “Ethan really it's okay not your fault at all, probably mine to be honest i really didn't get all that inflation stuff.”  You really sucked at anything with money, especially if it's in economics, you two had to sit there for an hour as he went over just that one question with you.  

“No.. really it was- i mean please let me walk you there. I would feel bad letting you walk on your own, not that you can't take care of yourself of course but you know it's late and there are a lot of weird guys walking around right now i kind of seem like a weird guy don't i shit-""Ethan!” You're laughing, he really is so cute. He stares at you amazed at you laughing before he looks down, “I'm sorry, I can go-'' He quickly turns to leave but you grab his arm to stop him. His arm feels muscular, does he have muscles? No… is he really underneath all those baggy hoodies and sweaters he wears? He turns back to you alarmed, “Walk me home? Maybe you're right there are a lot of weirdos around and I need a big strong guy over 6 ft to protect me, don't you think?” 

You squeeze his arm reassuringly as his face burns and his ears go red. You're teasing him, you look at the look on his face and think about apologizing before he speaks again, “Yes.” 

You swear you saw him puff his chest slightly. You almost laugh but after seeing his reaction last time you dont and smile at him as you let go of his arm, "my dorm is this way." you lead him and he walks next to you side by side. "Wait here." He switches places with you so he's next to the road, He's sweet. You two fall into a comfortable silence, it's nice. He bumps into you slightly as you walk, his arms are warm. Your hands brush against each other but before anything else can come from it you arrive at your door.

"Thank you for everything I mean, I really appreciate it." "It's no problem really." You nod as he turns to leave, he makes it a few steps before you call after him, "Wait! shit i can't believe i almost forgot." He turns to you confused, "is everything-" "I made these for you." Youre hold out a container for him and he stares at it, "They're cookies." 

He looks at you in disbelief, "You mentioned you liked them so I thought I would make you some, you know, as a thank you for tutoring me." He stares at you not moving, "if you don't want them that's okay too i promise i didn't poison them." You try to awkwardly joke, feeling a little defeated he didn't want the cookies. He snaps back and shakes his head furiously, "no no no no i want them thank you im just, really shocked." He takes the container out of your hands and holds them as if he fears they're gonna be taken away from him. "Thank you." he says quietly, looking at the container. 

"no thank you." You walk back and get to your door, still standing there looking at you. You smile at him and wave "Bye I'll see you tomorrow!" 

--

He's frozen outside your dorm as he stares at where you were just standing. He's gripping the container tightly in disbelief. You had made him cookies. The last time someone made him cookies was his mom who died years ago. He looks down at the container as his hands begin to shake.

He realizes how crazy he must look, standing outside your dorm so he quickly begins to walk to his dorm. His face hurts from how hard he's grinning, all the time he thinks he can't fall any deeper for you he does. Today was the best day ever, you two sat there for hours. He felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest every time you looked at him while he was going over a topic. When you got so excited every time something finally made sense and you looked at him, your face covered with a smile, he felt like he couldn't breathe. 

When you were asking him questions all he could do was stare at you. You were the most beautiful girl in the world to him. He opens his door and enters his dorm, the large grin never leaving his face. "Awe look at you." Chad was leaning against a wall and smiling, "You're adorable." Ethan ignores Chad as he moves past him to his bed. He places the container on his desk and his bag on his chair then sits on his bed to take off his shoes"what's this huh?" Chad inspects the container of cookies with a teasing look. "Put that down." 

Chad opens the container, "Cookies? Where did you get these? Can I have one?" Ethan rolls his eyes and shakes his head, "Get out." Chad hums his thoughts and his eyes light up, "did y/n make these for you? oooooo i get it loverboy you don't want me to have any of the sweet cookies your girlfriend made with love for you." Ethan stands and snatches the container out of his hands, "Shut up!" He's red and his grin still hasn't left, Chad looks happy. "So anything fun happens?" Ethan shakes his head, "We just did econ that's all." "boring.'' Chad leaves not before yelling a quick ask her out. Ethan begins to rethink the day. Every Time he thinks he's done something right with you he always finds a way to mess it up.

He takes a shower and changes into his clothes for bed and as he's about to sleep he eyes the container of cookies. He takes one and bites into it. It's sweet.

--

You close the room to your dorm and sigh. The tutor session kicked your ass, you kicked off your shoes and threw your tote bag to the ground and layed down on your bed. Today went well, you were shocked when you looked at your notes you could actually comprehend what any of it meant. It was all thanks to ethan. 

You were shocked you found yourself enjoying his presence so much. It was weird, you didn't expect yourself to like him as much as you did. He was smart, kind, he made you laugh, he didn't degrade you when you didn't understand the topics he went through it with you slowly and made sure to go over anything thoroughly, he wasn't like most of the other guys on campus who were douchebags. you were glad you got ethan as your econ tutor.

--

It's now Friday, almost five as you put the finishing touches on your outfit. As you get a text from tara, 'HERE COME OUT NOW' you roll your eyes and grab your bag and walk out the door.

A large group of people are out there chatting, you don't recognize most of them. The door closes behind you and all the heads turn towards you. 

"Hey dude." "Hey tara." Tara rushes over and gives you a hug. "So this is mindy, chad, anika," They all smile at you, you notice mindy and anika holding hands and standing side by side, anika waves while mindy nods. Chad is standing behind Tara and gives you a knowing smile, "and of course you know ethan." Ethan. He's standing in the back with his hands in his jeans, he's wearing a blue polo shirt with a black jacket. He looks really cute. 

You smile back at him and look into his eyes. He locks eyes with you and he smiles. "Wait, you two know each other?" Mindy asks with an accusing finger. "I tutor her for econ." "really?" Anika looks back at Ethan who nods. 

Tara claps and gets everyone's attention, "enough standing around let's move guys." Tara wraps her arm around chads and begins to walk, mindy and anika following closely behind leaving you and ethan walking side by side. 

"I really liked the cookies." You turn to him as he looks away, you smile as a warm feeling fills your chest. "I'm glad." 

"So did i." Chad looks back with a smile, "you had one?" Ethan asks with a glare, "we split one, you need to make some for me." Tara calls from the front. "I will as long as you stop asking me to cover for you at work." She gasps, "I would never." You give her a blank look as she laughs.

"So how long have you two been studying together?" Anika looks back at you with a smile, "um, we only had one session yesterday, he's supposed to be tutoring me until the final." You look at Ethan who has a big smile on his face. Anika looks at the two of you and gives mindy a knowing look.

An easy conversation begins to flow between you all as you walk to the bowling alley. You sneak glances at Ethan who wears a grin on his face while everyone in the group teases him for whatever they 're currently talking about. You like the way he acts around his friends, he's a little more confident as he shuts Chad up for making fun of his messy room or arguing with mindy about some horror movie. It was nice, the night hadn't even begun but you felt like you hadn't had this much fun in forever.

You all finally arrive at the place and they all rush to get their shoes. "So the pairs will be, me and tara, anika and mindy then y/n and ethan." "Oh we'll be in pairs?" you turn to ethan and smile, "we're gonna win." His face is red but he nods, "Definitely." 

"I'd like to see you try dude." Chad slaps his back he leans in close to you, "fyi he's terrible at bowling." "Dude!" Chad runs away before Ethan can say anything else. "I'm not good either, it's okay, as long as I do better than Tara I don't care." To this he laughs, "Oh we definitely need to do better than tara." You two laugh as you go to collect your shoes and pick your ball.

"Can you hurry or else I'm gonna put you last." You walk over to Tara and roll your eyes, "you're gonna put me last anyways." She gasps, "I would-" "never yes I know." She pouts as you sit next to anika. 

Ethan makes his way over and sits down next to you. The order is decided to be anika, mindy, you, ethan, chad then tara. 

As anika takes her turn Chad starts talking to you. "So how long have you and Tara been friends?" You think before answering, "um, I had been working at this place for a couple years and I had heard about her when she was hired. Never got the chance to talk with her until we started working the same shifts. We got along and soon found out we attend the same school. We got the same lab class, she became my partner and she's been bothering me ever since." "Hey." 

"So you've been living in New York your whole life?" Ethan asks, "yup born and raised." Mindy cheers anika up as she misses her shot, Mindy walks up to take her turn, not before giving anika a kiss and anika sits down. “So what are we talking about?” You guys flow into an easy conversation, mostly about yourself, like your major or what your interests are before it's your turn. 

“Can I admit something?” you turn to the group, “I have no clue how to bowl.” Tara looks at you shocked, “No…” You laugh, “I seriously never have before.” “Well I can-” “Ethan can show you how to.” Chad is quick to interrupt anika, the two share a look, “oooooo yeah yeah yeah yeah can definitely show you right ethan.” The rest of them start to encourage him as he gives them a look you can't read. “I don't really care who teaches me, I just wanna throw this thing away.” Ethan stands, “I can do it.” He moves to take off his jacket and you're greeted by the sight of his muscular arms. 

Wow. He really does have muscles.  You stare at his arms as he walks towards you. You've always thought he was cute but he just got so much hotter. His shoulders are large, and the polo on him is tighter than you thought, his chest pressing against the fabric. 

You look at his face finally and see it's very red and he's standing stiff. Oh my god you were blatantly checking him out. you turn your back towards him and go to pick up your ball. The group behind you laughs as Ethan walks towards you. you put your fingers in the holes and pick up the ball.

"So when you're throwing it you want your arm to be straight..." You try to correct your arm position and look at him, "like this?" he shakes his head, "no it's more... um do you mind if i..." you nod as he comes closer to readjusting you himself, his warm body is basically pressed against you as he moves your arms and shoulders slightly. "That's better." It's a small whisper in your ear but your face burns.

God when did he get so hot. No he always was but right now it's all you can think about. Fuck. He moves his hand to cover yours, "and when you throw it it's something like... this." he sways your hand and you let go of the ball. You watch as the ball rolls and it knocks all the pins down. 

"No way." You cheer as you turn to face him, "I did it!" you hug him and he stands stiff. You let go and turn towards the rest of the group who clap. "Good job." "Nice!"

"That was really good." His ears are red as you mumbles out the words. "Well it's all thanks to my wonderful teacher." You smile at him and he looks away, "no...." 

"enough flirting then it's your turn." Mindy yells as the rest of the group laughs. You walk back to the rest of the group and sit down and watch ethan. He stands still for a few seconds before shaking it off and walking towards his ball.

You had no clue what Chad was talking about because Ethan continued to get strikes, if not really good scores for the rest of the night. You're shocked by this and seemingly the rest of the group is too.

When you go to the bathroom the group confronts him."When the hell did you get so good at bowling? Have you been practicing?" Ethans face is shocked and he quickly blinks his eyes and shakes his head, "No..." Chad catches this and laughs, "No way you've really been practicing." "It's not true!" His face feels hot and he quickly looks down at his feet.

"Why did you practice?" Anika asks, "Clearly because he didn't want to humiliate himself in front of his little girlfriend." Tara laughs and Ethan feels like he wants to curl up into a ball and die.

Yes he had been practicing, any hour he could squeeze in since finding out you would be joining them for bowling night he came down to the bowling alley to practice. He was bad, the worst of the group at least and now he can compete with Chad in score. You come back soon enough, you question what they were talking about but they all just laugh.

You cheer as Ethan throws his last strike signifying your win. “We did it!” You hug him as he walks over, unlike last time he hugs you back and squeezes you tightly. You pull back and look at him and smile, “I didn't know you were that good.” 

He smiles sheepishly and shakes his head, “I'm not-” “Yes you are.” You slap his chest lightly and he looks shocked. “Stop putting yourself down, you carried my ass through that game, admit it.” He shakes his head, his grin is large as he looks down, “No-” “Stop it!” You turn back to the rest of the group who all have grins on their face, “What?” 

“Oh nothing.” Tara says as she stands up, “It's later than i thought lets go i have to open tomorrow.” “Do you really? I'm close.” “Shit you're so lucky.”  “Am i really i have to close for your messy ass.” She shoves you and you laugh. 

You all leave together and walk back to the dorns. When you all get there they all turn to you. “You passed congrats.” You look confused, “What?” “I told you guys she was great.” “I wish Sam could have made it.” “What's happening?” “Welcome to the friend group!” You think before realization hits you, “Oh!” You laugh, “Thanks guys.”

They all say their goodbyes and anika gives you a hug before they all walk off to their dorms. Ethan stays with you and fiddles with his hands. “I thought i should walk you to your dorm, its-” “Late, yes it is, thank you my knight in shining armor.” He looks away and you two walk side by side to your dorm.

You admire him, as you two walk in silence. At your door you say goodbye and wave and he waves back at you as you close your door.

–

It had only been a few weeks since then, study sessions were going really well. You two began to grow closer over the weeks but there still seemed to be something blocking you two from getting closer. As for the friend group, you soon met Sam and Quinn who were more than welcoming to you. You watched as Quinn would tease her brother and how embarrassed he would get when she would tell you embarrassing stories about him from when he was younger. 

You had just finished up a successful study session with ethan and you two walked out the library, you pulled out the container of cookies for him and handed them to him with a smile, “Here you go kind sir.” He smiled and shook his head, “Thank you. You know you don't have to do this for me everytime.” You laugh it off, “I need to thank you somehow.”

He stood there with a contemplating look on his face. It had started to stay lighter outside later in the day so you didn't need him to walk you back to your dorm (He still did) but now he realized you two could do something else instead of just walking home. “Do you want to eat them with me?” You look at him confused, “I mean.. There a cafe down the block we can go there get some coffee or whatever and eat them together.” The look on your face must have sent the wrong message because he immediately starts to back track. “I mean if you want to i don't want to do anything you don't want to its a stupid idea anyway i'll just walk you back to-” “Ethan i'd love to.” He gulps, “Really?” You nod with a grin, “seriously. I mean i made them with browned butter this time they have to be my best batch yet.” You two began to walk side by side to the cafe, you made some small talk about if the group was hanging out tomorrow and he answered that they wanted to go to sams for dinner. When you two arrived he turned and asked if you wanted something to drink, you stared at the menu until something caught your eye and asked for that. He ordered your drink and a hot chocolate for him. He pulls out his card and pays as you insist you should, “You made the cookies let me pay.” You give him a look as you reluctantly agree.

Once you two have your drinks you two decide to sit at one of the benches outside since it was good weather out. He pulls out the container of cookies and admires them, “They do look really good.” “What did you not think they would.” You're kidding but he looks up alarmed, “i didn't mean-” “i'm kidding ethan.” you put a hand on his arm and squeeze it reassuringly.

He smiles and nods as he takes two cookies and hands one to you, “cheers?” you take it and link them together, “Cheers.” 

you both took a bite and he immediately hummed, “this really is so good.” “I know.” you both laugh.

as he dunks his cookie into his hot chocolate you look at him as you think to yourself that he looks so content while eating the cookie.

“Is there a reason why you like cookies?”

he looks up at you with a shocked face, “what?” you shrug, “i mean there are so many other desserts and most people prefer other things so is there a reason? other than that they taste good of course.”

he laughs and shakes his head, “um.” He coughs before he continues, “my mom used to make cookies when i was young.” you look at him shocked he never talks about his mom. “Whenever I would do well on a test or in soccer she would make a big batch of cookies and would sit with me and eat them with me with a big glass of milk.” He laughs with a smile on his face, “whenever i would get a milk mustache she would laugh and wipe it off with the biggest smile on her face.” His voice quiets down and you can see his hands begin to shake.

“ethan.” you grab his hand and squeeze it, “i'm sorry.” he wipes his eyes with his other hand then places it on top of yours. “its okay ethan.” he shakes slightly as he begins to cry, “i miss her, so much.” 

You feel like something is squeezing at you heart as you you watch him you get up from you seat and he looks up at you in shock, you move to sit next to him and wrap your arms around him, “Im so sorry ethan.” he leans into you and cries, “I'm sorry-” “you shouldn't apologize, its okay.” he sniffles as he looks up at you, “Thank you.” 

–

Your feelings for Ethan grew into something more but you didn't know how to put it in words. You soon understood them when it was the beginning of may, only two more weeks until your final and you were beginning to stress out. Ethan told you not to worry and everything would go well but you couldn't help it. Even though your test scores had improved and you began to understand a lot of the material you couldn't help but worry over the class.

During one of your own personal study sessions in the library you realize you ran out of paper for your binder and needed to go get more. You were standing in the subway waiting for the train to arrive stressed out of your mind, this was the last thing you needed to happen right now and you had no clue how to calm down. Once the train arrived you walked on and realized there were no open seats, of course, great. You walk over to one of the poles but you see Ethan sitting on one of the benches. A wave of unexpected relief flows through your bones seeing him you didn't know why. 

He notices you and smiles, he gestures you towards him and you realize the seat next to him is open just being covered by his bag. You smile in relief and rush over. “Thank you oh my god you're a lifesaver.” He just laughs, “It's not a problem.”

The train begins to move as he turns to you, “So what are you doing out?” You sigh and the worry begins to flood back into your body. “I was studying econ and then I ran out of paper for my binder so I have to go get some and I'm just so stressed out because I need to do well-” “Hey.” He places his hand on yours and you turn to him.

He's giving you a pleading look as he squeezes your hand, “Please relax,” You sigh, “I cant-” “Yes you can just relax, hey… um i'll come with you to go get the binder paper.” “Really?” “Yeah definitely.”

You smile at him, “Okay.” Now feeling a little more calm you look in your bag for your airpods to listen to some music but soon realize you left them at your dorm. You groan and set your back down by your feet causing Ethan to look at you alarmed, “I left my earbuds at my dorm.”

He looks down at the phone in his hair and hesitates before taking out the other airpod he wasn't wearing from his case and handing it to you, “Here you can… listen with me, if you want to I mean.” You look at his case and realize he has one of the cheetos airpod cases and laugh before looking back at him and taking it, “Thank you, cute case.” 

He looks at it and shakes his head before shoving it in his bag, “Quinn got it for me.”

You put the airpod in and are immediately stunned, “Taylor swift?” He had been listening to all the girls you loved before and he suddenly looked down at his phone, “I can change it-” “No i was just shocked i like this song.” 

While you sat next to him you felt a sense of peace wash over you and you relaxed for what was probably the first time this whole week. You lean against him unconsciously and feel him stiffen before he relaxes. You realize his hand is still on yours and you lace your fingers with his as you close your eyes. No you weren't tired, you just wanted to bask in his presence for a moment with his heartbeat near your ear and his breath tickling your head. 

You liked him. It didn't hit you like an unexpected realization; it felt freeing to finally put what you were feeling into words. You smile to yourself and move closer to him.

It's been another week since then and you were struggling to decide if you were really going to confess at the end of the school year. You had decided since the school year is almost over and He would be going home for the summer and you wouldn't be able to see him so if you confessed and he rejected you it wouldn't be as awkward because he would leave and you two wouldnt see each other again until the new school year but the idea of him never talking to you again made you feel sick.

It was the last wednesday of the school year, the last day before your last study session with ethan which was also the last day before your econ test. There was a party, you didn't know who was throwing it but Tara practically begged you to come so here you were sitting on a couch next to anika as you two were chatting. “I told you that dress would look super cute on you.” “Thanks anika.” You looked around the room for the one person you were hoping to see, “Where's ethan?” Anika sits up and looks around before shrugging, “I have no clue.” 

You begin to worry as you frantically look and can't find him, “I'm gonna go look for him.” Anika nods as you get up and begin making your way through the party.

Your about to turn a corner before you freeze at the voice you hear, “Ask her out man.” Chad.  “No way i've told you this” Ethan. Who was he talking about? “C'mon man you're hot as hell just ask her out already.”

All you can hear is ethan sigh, “She doesn't-” “Oh shut up man just ask her out.” Who the hell are they talking about? Does Ethan like somebody? A pit forms in your stomach as all you can feel is dread. “Shes sitting over there man ask her out.” Now you feel sick, there's somebody Ethan likes, and it's not you. You back up and walk away. You head back to anika who has your bag and gives you an alarmed look at your upset face as you grab your bag from her side. “Is something wrong? What happened?” You shake your head as your eyes water, you attempt to say something but you can't. As she moves to stand up you rush out of the house. You can't be in there anymore, the amount of heartbreak you feel is miserable and you aren't even dating the guy.

You rush back to your dorm and lean against the door as you shut it. This is so embarrassing, here you are sitting and crying over him while he probably walked over to that person and asked them out. You managed to make it to your bed and flop on it, crying yourself to sleep.

–

“Have you guys seen y/n?'' Anika had come up to them frantically as Chad and Ethan remained talking against the wall. Chad had been begging Ethan to finally ask you out all night but Ethan kept on refusing. He couldn't risk what you two have especially since it meant so much to him. What had started out as a simple infatuation had turned into so much more, you meant so much to him and to lose you would be horrid.

“No? Is something wrong? Thought she was sitting with you.” Chad took a sip of his drink after he answered, “She went to go looking for e, then she came back and looked like she was about to cry then she ran out.” ethan felt sick, had some guy said something to you? “Like she ran out of the house? Shit.” Chad put down his drink and turned towards ethan, “You gotta go look for her man.” “Please e? Im really worried.” Ethan put down his drink and walked away before they could say anything else. “I'm gonna ask around.” “Me too.”

Shit. you weren't answering your phone, “please answer please” he was mumbling and shaking his phone as if that could make you answer. He decided to just fuck it and run to your dorm to see if you were there. He knew the route like the back of his hand and he was booking it full speed. He was worried about you and was praying you were alright. Once he got to your dorm he pounded at the door, he knew you had a solo room luckily since your roommate transferred out in the beginning of the second semester and no one came to fill it. He calls you names to no answer, after a couple of minutes he's defeated and texts you if you're still at the party when the door opens and he quickly looks up at you.

–

Who the hell is pounding at your door? You don't know how long you've been asleep, it couldn't have been that long since it was still dark out. Annoyed and not wanting to talk to anybody, you attempt to block out the noise until you hear his voice. Ethan.

He was here and calling for you. you sat up quickly and walked towards the door before you stopped hesitantly in front of the door. What did he want? You didn't want to answer, just ignore him and move on but he sounded worried so you opened him. His face was red and his eyes were watery, he was breathing heavily, looked like he was out of breath, did he run all the way here? Seeing you he let out a sigh of relief. ‘Ethan-” “Are you alright?” You look at him alarmed. “Yeah um did something happen?”

 It's awkward to look at or to talk to him but he can't seem to notice that right now, “Anika was worried she said you ran out looking upset.” Now you feel embarrassed, looking down at your feet, “Did somebody say something to you? Did something happen?-” You couldn't listen to him anymore, all you wanted to do is blurt it out but knowing it would ruin everything you can't, maybe you should just do it. You open your mouth but you quickly close it. You need to have him tutor you tomorrow. The day before the big test. You need him just for one more day. then you can set him free. “Im… im okay i promise, i'm sorry for worrying you, all of you.” You think over your next words carefully so as to not let the things you truly want to say split out. “I just was getting overwhelmed, parties are so loud you know?” You try to laugh but at the look on his face you stop and look down.

He walks closer and tries to grab your hands but you pull them away and try to smile at him, “Im really tired.” He now looks like he's about to cry, “Please be honest with me, did something happen? Is somebody bothering you?” Yes. “No, i promise.” What a liar. He looks like he wants to say more but if he really does he keeps his mouth shut and nods. 

“We still on for tomorrow?” You hate yourself for asking but you need to make sure you haven't ruined anything. He looks at you confused, “Of course?” You nod and move towards your door, “Do you need anything I'm here-” “No really, it's okay Goodnight.” You don't wait for his response as you shut the door, the tears at their breaking point as you lean your head against the door. Why can't this just be easier?

–

He stares at the place you were once standing with a sad look on his face. You were lying, he could tell that easily but about what? He stands there and contemplates over it, maybe something did happen or maybe it.. Was something he did? No that couldn't be right, you two were acting perfectly normal this morning. But why were you acting like that with him now? You were never that stiff, you shut him out. It was weird and he didn't like it at all, he felt the urge to knock on the door again and comfort you, bring you into his arms so you can talk all out but he knows that that's not what you must want so he leaves.

He lets Chad know he won't be showing back up to the party and that you're fine. He hopes that when he goes to bed this will all be just a bad dream and tomorrow when he arrives at your study session everything will be just fine.

—

It is not just fine. It started off simple. You didn't text him in the morning like you always did. You arrive five minutes late which is odd since you're always the one that arrives first, you give the excuse you slept in late. He doesn't believe you but keeps his mouth shut. Worst of all you didn't make him any cookies this time. It became a habit, after every session you would give him a container of cookies (and a side one specifically for chad since he liked them so much) as a thank you. The session is awkward and very to the point, when he tries to joke with you like usual you brush him off and ask him to move on to the next topic. He felt awful, he asked you if something was wrong but you just said it was nothing. You had even wrapped up the session early, it was barely hitting four when you called it. 

“Im just tired.” You pack up your things and give him a brief goodbye and rush to leave. He watches you go before he realizes he needs to do something, he cant let your relationship deteriorate like this. He runs after you and grabs your arm as you're standing outside. 

“Ethan-” “I like you.” You look frozen as you stare at him, “I'm sorry if I did something wrong but I just want to get back to the way we were and I need you to know this now. You can forget about it-” “Ethan”

You try to interrupt him like you always do but he stops you, “Please.” His expression softens, “I need to do this.” You hesitate before you nod, he takes both of your hands in his as if he's afraid you're going to run away. “You can forget all about this if you want to but just know i like you so much and i hate this strain between us, whatever it is. Please tell me what i've done wrong so i can fix it and we can move on and you can make me more of your cookies and you can crack dumb econ jokes about the topics we're talking about or you can complain about your shift at work with tara and how she can never restock properly. Please tell me what i did wrong.” hes begging you, squeezing your hands so tightly, as he locks eyes with you, all you can feel is sincerity and love.

“Then who was the girl?” You ask as your voice wavers, he looks at you shocked, “What girl?” Your eyes water too, “I overheard you at the party.” He tilts his head confused, “What?” “At the party, when Chad was encouraging you to go ask the girl out.” He relaxes and gulps. “I was going to come find you, then I heard you and I just felt like shit because I was..” You trail off as he looks at you expectantly, “I was going to tell you that I like you.” His eyes widened and his mouth opened in shock, “Not that day of course tomorrow after the econ test.” “I was talking about you.” You shake your head, “Chad said she was sitting right there. I was sitting there.” He shakes his head, “no no no no no we couldn't see the couch from where we were standing so he was just pointing in the direction of the couch i swear i had thought you were there. I was talking about you. I only have eyes for you, for as long as I've known you it's always been you.”

You can only look at him in shock at the sincerity of his words and you move closer to him. You rip your hands from his and he has a really apologetic look on his face, as he's about to apologize you pull his face to meet yours and you kiss. It feels like your heart is about to burst out of your chest as you feel love and relief as he kisses you back. He grabs your face and pulls you closer if that's even possible. You pull apart, breathing heavy as you two stare lovingly at each other with a smile. “I'm sorry ethan.” He shakes his head and gives you another kiss before answering. “You have nothing to apologize for.” 

You smile at him, “soo…?” You're looking at him expectantly as he looks confused, “So?’ you scoff and shove him, “You're really bad at this.” Now he looks really confused, “Ugh. Ethan, will you be my boyfriend?” Now his eyes widen as he opens and closes his mouth like a fish. You laugh as you look at his red face. After a minute he manages to calm down, “Yes, I would love to be your boyfriend.” You two smile at kisses. You finally feel like you can breathe, this was perfect.

–

The next day you're in a large room writing in the last answer to the econ test. Ethan had finished earlier than you, that morning he promised to wait for you outside so once you hand it your test you rush out to see him and the rest of your friends. You see him and he turns to you and smiles as you make it to him he picks you up and twirls you around as you laugh. “So??? How did you do?!” Anika asks you with a big smile on her face. You keep your eyes locked on Ethan and his grinning face. “I think I did great, all thanks to my wonderful tutor.” 

He shakes his head, “No, it was all you, beautiful.” You two kiss. 

--

a/n: I hope you guys like this !!

tags: @bajadotcom

#ethan landry imagine #ethan landry x y/n #ethan landry x you #ethan landry x reader #ethan landry #scream six #scream vi #scream

[matrixbearer2024]

okay hear me out

vox accidentally slips and talks about angel dust like super indirectly he goes like:

Blah blah blah I had a super bad day blah blah blah fuck my life blah blah blah cause val is pissed cause one of his whores- angel I think tried to stand up to him and blah blah blah

and reader is like

wait wait wait ‘tried to stand up to him’? What do u mean? and vox is like trying to make the situation seem not as bad as it looks (he fails epically) and reader gets mad cause how could vox just let his coworker hit his employees??

Muddled Morality

Vox x CollegeStudent!Reader

A/N: Vox ranting and Reader nearly tearing him a new one- I love their dynamic and it's actually really funny for me to write our dear (Y/N)'s on-off confused attraction to the bipedal flatscreen. Like it's so evident that they love this man, but at the same time he does something so stupid it totally shatters the rose-tinted filter he'd got going on. They're already running around in circles at this point with Mr TV head's hesitation to act on his emotions and Reader's absolute obliviousness.

A/N: It gets a little angsty towards the end but they'll be okay soon- I feel like this was just another reality check Vox needed to hear from Reader who wasn't really gonna let his shit slide lmao- anyway, I hope you guys enjoy! As always, happy reading!

Providing the tech overlord with some much needed care was one thing-

But you didn't ever pin him to be a heavy sleeper.

Until now that is.

"Vox. Vox. Wake up. Vox."

You sighed when he made a noise similar to a whine and his arms tightened around you slightly.

You'd be lucky to get out of this now without prying him off you.

Your cuddling session was going extremely well and dandy compared to what you had expected.

It just so happened that after a while, your legs were predictably going numb for staying in the same position for too long.

Not to mention that you were hungry.

"Vooooox. Get uuuuup."

You started to poke at his screen repeatedly when he still didn't react, not caring if it left fingerprints or any marks on the glass.

He deserved it for being so difficult to wake up-

When his screen finally lit up once again to show his face, it kind of took a moment for the overlord to process what was happening.

Especially when he just stared at you wide-eyed and confused before all of a sudden tactlessly shoving you off his lap.

"HEY- WHAT THE HELL DUDE!"

So say he'd gone completely autopilot was probably the understatement of the century.

Vox could barely piece any coherent thoughts together when he noticed what position the both of you were in.

It was way too intimate to merely be friendly in his opinion.

And he didn't even know for how long you both were cuddled up like that.

God could his heart just calm the fuck down?!

You gave up yelling at the overlord when you realized he was kind of spacing out.

He refused to even look at you, just pointedly staring at the floor which for whatever reason seemed more interesting at the time.

What the hell was his problem?!

"A freakin 'thank you' would've been enough you know. Either way, I'm gonna go get something to eat. Do you want anything?"

You rolled your eyes when the overlord just shook his head, you'll bring up some food later for him anyway just in case.

When the door finally shut and you had left-

Vox quickly got up from where he was sitting and started pacing around the room.

He just fell asleep on you right?

It was that and nothing else.

You just comforted him after a stressful day-

That was it.

Just very close and very platonic and friendly cuddling-

"Why, I didn't think you would simply sneak in old chap! That's quite improper of you!"

"YOU MOTHERFUCKING-"

Alastor simply laughed when his rival nearly jumped a foot in the air from his arrival.

It was entertaining seeing the ridiculous picturebox struggle with emotions, all the more when it seemed you were involved in it!

He could easily manipulate you both for entertainment and none would be the wiser.

Besides, struggling with feelings?

They weren't children anymore.

How immature!

"What do you want?"

"Oh I was just checking around the hotel as per usual. By the way, (Y/N) didn't seem to be in the bestest of moods during dinner today. Did you perchance have any part to play in that?"

The radio demon only grinned wider when he saw Vox's expression falter slightly.

Was all that irritation towards him simply for bravado?

This was quite an entertaining exchange indeed!

"Oh fuck off, that's none of your business."

"But it is old friend! I try to ensure the happiness of everyone in the hotel, including your darling dear!"

The flatscreen overlord could see through the bullshit already, but his irritation was already bubbling over into rage.

Alastor just had to get on his nerves as always.

"Don't call them that!"

Vox didn't know why he yelled that retort of all things.

True, he called you a multitude of similar petnames anyway-

But to call you his?

That was just a flat out lie.

And he didn't dare to fool himself into believing it.

"Call them what? Don't tell me a simple nickname is winding you up."

"Quit it Al. I didn't leave Vox alone just so you could come in and antagonize him."

Both overlords suddenly looked to you leaning against the doorframe of your room.

They hadn't noticed your presence in their increasingly heated back and forth.

While you were still a little irritated with your techno companion for ignoring you earlier, you found bigger issues with Alastor just snooping in your room.

Who knows what he could've been doing.

"Charlie's looking for you. So could you kindly get the hell out of my room?"

Alastor merely laughed at your grumpiness, waving you off with his signature grin as he melted back into the shadows.

He had enough playing with you both today, maybe another time.

"Little princess Morningstar isn't really looking for him is she?"

"Nope. But he's definitely one creepy fucker and I wanted him out.

Vox would've laughed at your response if he still didn't feel so awkward.

He just couldn't stop thinking too deeply into the situation you were both in earlier.

"Wanna talk about what happened today? You just zonked out on me a while ago. I didn't think you'd be that tired."

You didn't seem to find any issue with anything though, sitting atop your bed and patting a spot next to you.

And people say he's dense-

"It's been an eventful day, in all the worst possible ways."

Your flatscreen companion eventually sat down next to you and sighed.

He was just overthinking everything.

Might as well try and stay distracted.

"Ah. Valentino again?"

"Hah, if only."

You simply listened to Vox as he went on and ranted about his day.

You were astounded to hear about so many things going wrong in quick succession.

It's like Murphy's law had somehow slapped your techno friend in the face.

'Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.'

Yeah, that seemed pretty accurate.

"Then he stormed my earlier broadcast throwing a fit and bitching about Angel trying to stand up to him-"

Okay, wait.

Hold the fucking phone.

"What do you mean 'trying'?"

Vox's ranting immediately hit the brakes at your question.

He really shouldn't have mentioned that-

Or at least worded it a little differently.

How was he going to explain this to you???

"Doll, you know I mentioned Val doesn't like it when his employees dish out some attitude-"

"And you also mentioned he can be a huge piece of shit. Angel wouldn't lash out unless he was provoked."

You practically had the overlord cornered, your serious gaze was making him squirm.

It was totally different from the gentleness you'd graced him with earlier.

"Vox."

He'd never heard you mention his name that sternly before.

In fact, you were even starting to look a little angry.

Shit.

"(Y/N), what ever happens in the studio is none of my concern-"

"So Angel can't even save himself if Valentino decides to be an abhorrent bastard for the day?! Don't you have fucking cameras everywhere?!"

It was either your words or your pained tone struck a cord in the overlord.

You knew, it was in the way his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes narrowed.

He was attempting to do damage control, and you were just not having it.

"You know, he comes back covered in bruises after those shoots sometimes. As far as I'm concerned despite being a pornstar he's really not supposed to!"

Vox didn't know what was genuinely worse.

The fact he'd unintentionally upset you because of his actions-

Or the fact you cared so much about Angel Dust.

He'd never felt any remorse towards the spider back then, only growing annoyed with him for taking so much of Valentino's attention away.

Even now, despite visiting the hotel and getting to know the others better because of you-

He still didn't bother understanding or even sympathizing with anyone's situation aside from you or himself.

He didn't need to.

Then again, was there even a need to at the start with you?

"Why- just- FUCK! Why can't you fucking care Vox?! Why is it just me?!"

It's because I love you.

The overlord merely scowled at you lecturing him.

Those few words he couldn't bring himself to say.

The courage had quickly evaporated when you grew upset at his nonchalance.

Right.

He didn't care.

And still you were the exception.

His guilt only grew when seeing the pain in your eyes.

Vox knew you made friends with most of the hotel's residents.

Save a certain radio demon-

But he wasn't aware to what extent you cared.

You really were too good for him.

Too good to be down here in hell even.

You only grew more irritated at your companion's silence.

Returning his glare with your own as your hands were furiously balled at your sides.

It took all your focus not to start hitting and swinging at his flatscreen head.

Well, he deserved it-

And still you chose not to.

It wasn't like you hated the special treatment from Vox-

Hell, it was flattering and even outright cute sometimes.

But the fact he could so easily turn a blind eye to some issues he had the power to stop-

You wanted to beat some common sense and human decency into this idiot.

The two of you sat in silence for a while until Vox suddenly got up and headed to the window.

You were about to scoff at him running away from the situation until he spoke.

"I'll see what I can do. But I make no promises."

You didn't see his face but his voice was barely above a whisper.

The overlord's tone wavering and uncertain but masked with irritation.

Not that you had any time to reply when your friend was abruptly gone in a bolt of blue electricity.

Possibly already well on his way back to the tower to care for his hellish empire.

Neither of you ever had an argument this explosive since you were alive.

And even then it was because of something stupid you couldn't remember.

But it wasn't so different compared to now.

So why was your heart aching unbearably-?

You shook your head and stormed out of your room.

Fuck it.

You needed a drink.

#hazbin hotel #vox x reader #vox #get off my screen series #hazbin hotel vox #hazbin vox #vox x you #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin vox x reader #hazbin hotel vox x reader

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for blocking my ex after he broke up with me?

I already tried to break up with him a week into the relationship because I didn’t feel like I was ready for one, but he insisted he wanted to make it work, so we stayed together for a while longer. I liked being friends with him because I have AvPD and he always made sure I didn’t feel pressured to instantly respond to him ever because that stresses me the fuck out and sends me into prey animal mode, but he always said he was trying to be accommodating and patient.

However, I kinda disappeared off the face of the internet for about a month while I was stuck deep in animation crunch working on a project for school, I didn’t talk to ANYBODY, him included, and at this point I had also decided I would break up with my ex using the old “it’s not you it’s me” card after I finished and submitted that project, because not only did the “not feeling ready for the relationship” feeling never go away, but he would also corner me into REALLY explicit sexual discussions in public discord servers, which granted I should have asserted boundaries about but I was worried I was overreacting. After my initial failed breakup attempt, most of the time we talked was in group chats because it greatly eased the pressure of me having to be involved in a one-on-one conversation and it made me worry slightly less about him taking shit as far as he had in our DMs that scared me into trying to break up in the first place because maybe if there was an audience he wouldn’t go That Far. If he had a problem with talking in group chats more than DMs, he NEVER brought it up to me, he just assured me he wanted me to be comfortable.

But, before I got a chance to break up with him, he suddenly messaged me talking about how we needed to talk about how I was being selfish and ghosting him. I was currently still busy working on animating, so while panicking and feeling extremely guilty about it I tried to think up an apology and response to send him when I was done for the night and even available to talk, but again, before I got the chance to, like ten minutes later, he sent another message breaking up with me and kinda-sorta berating me for my AvPD, saying the only reasons the relationship didn’t work was entirely my fault, not accepting blame for Anything he might’ve done wrong, not even acknowledging that I had already attempted to break up with him before.

At least my plan to break up with him would’ve just been shouldering all the blame onto myself, but this at least took the pressure away and ended it on a sour enough note that I was scared to ever talk to him again, so I blocked him on all socials and like any sad gay tumblr boy would I vented about feeling bad about the whole thing on my blog.

AND THEN, I suddenly receive two consecutive anons that didn’t explicitly reveal an identity but were clearly written by him because they mentioned shit only he (or someone he talked about me behind my back with, I guess) would know, despite the fact I never told him my tumblr AND he repeatedly insistently said he never used tumblr, leading me to the conclusion that he had been stalking me on tumblr the whole time without me knowing, which freaked me the fuck out even more because I already have cyberstalking-related trauma. Anyway the anons AGAIN berated me for everything, painting my ex as an innocent angel who didn’t do anything wrong, I was the one ignoring him (and everyone, I didn’t talk to ANYONE while in crunch), “thriving on instagram” (not true, I also was barely fucking at all active on insta during this time??), “forgot our sixth month anniversary” (I didn’t even know that was a thing people celebrated and if it was no one told me that was something I should be concerned about and I wasn’t keeping track of the date, only the one year anniversary), “too childish and immature for a relationship” (again, I’d already tried to break up with him before because I said I wasn’t ready), among other things that I forget. It was a numbered list of either seven or eleven things, I forget because this happened back in February, but those are the ones that stuck in my mind the most. Since I was already in a state of panic I answered both asks publicly (had no other choice, they were on anon), and all my mutuals frantically came to my defense and tore my ex’s shit to shreds.

That’s the last I ever heard from him, and considering the anon jumpscare fiasco I’m glad I blocked him because I’d prefer not to be with the type of person that does something like that, but considering it wouldn’t have happened at all if I hadn’t blocked him, I can’t help but wonder….AITA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[gwendolynlerman]

Untranslatable words (part 3)

Here are part 1 and part 2. I have also made other posts with untranslatable words in Spanish and German.

Arabic: غرفة [ḡurfa] (the amount of water that can be held in one hand), يقبرن [yaqbirna] (literally “may you bury me”, wishing that a loved one outlives you because of how unbearable life would be without them)

Bantu: mbuki-mvuki (to shed one’s clothing spontaneously and dance naked in celebration)

Dutch: gezellig (cozy, nice, pleasant, sociable), struisvogelpolitiek (literally “ostrich politics”, an evasive style of politics that fails to address problems by either ignoring them or by creating a false sense of security through ineffective measures)

Finnish: poronkusema (the distance a reindeer can comfortably travel before taking a break, around 7.5 kilometers/4.7 miles)

French: feuillemorte (of the color of a faded, dying leaf), l’appel du vide (literally “the call of the void”, the inexplicable draw of the dangerous and unknown future), noceur (someone who goes to sleep late or not at all or one who stays out late to party)

German: Drachenfutter (literally “dragon fodder”, the gift a husband gives a wife when he is trying to make up for bad behaviour), Kabelsalat (literally “cable salat”, cable clutter)

Greek: μεράκι (intense passion)

Hungarian: szimpatikus (nice, likeable)

Japanese: ぼけっと [boketto] (gazing vacantly into the distance without thinking about anything), 風物詩 [fūbutsushi] (the things that evoke memories of a particular season)

Hawaiian: ʻakihi (listening to directions and then walking off and promptly forgetting them)

Hindi: जुगाड़ (jugāṛ) (a process or technique that lessens disorder in one’s life, making it easier to manage or more convenient)

Icelandic: tíma (not being ready to spend time or money on a specific thing despite being able to afford it)

Indonesian: jayus (a joke so terrible and unfunny it can’t help but make you laugh)

Inuktitut: ᐃᒃᑦᓱᐊᕐᐳᒃ [iktsuarpok] (the act of repeatedly going outside to check if someone is coming)

Italian: commuòvere (to move in a heartwarming way)

Malay: pisan zapra (the time needed to eat a banana)

Norwegian: forelsket (the indescribable feeling of euphoria experienced as one begins to fall in love)

Portuguese: nefelibata (literally “cloud-walker”, one who lives in the clouds of their own imagination or dreams or does not obey the conventions of society), saudade (a vague, constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, a nostalgic longing for someone or something loved and then lost)

Russian: разлюбить (razliubit) (to fall out of love)

Sanskrit: कल्प [kalpa] (the passing of time on a grand cosmological scale)

Scottish Gaelic: sgrìob (the peculiar itchiness that settles on the upper lip before taking a sip of whiskey)

Spanish: cotisuelto (someone who insists on wearing their shirt tails untucked)

Swedish: mångata (the roadlike reflection of the moon on the water), smultronställe (literally “place of wild strawberries”, a special place treasured for solace and relaxation, free from stress or sadness), tretår (on its own, “tår” means a cup of coffee and “patår” is the refill of said coffee, so a “tretår” is therefore a second refill)

Tagalog: kilig (to experience shivers and suffer pangs from strong emotions, usually romantically)

Ursu: گویا [goyā] (a transporting suspension of disbelief, an “as-if” that feels like reality), ناز [nāz] (the pride and assurance that comes from knowing one is loved unconditionally)

Wagiman: murr-ma (the act of searching for something in the water with only one’s feet)

Welsh: glas wen (literally “blue smile”, one that is sarcastic or mocking), hiraeth (homesickness, nostalgia, a longing for somewhere one cannot or will not return to)

Yiddish: לופֿטמענטש [luftmentsh] (literally “air person”, someone who is a bit of a dreamer)

#langblr #arabic #bantu #dutch #finnish #french #german #greek #hungarian #japanese #hawaiian #hindi #icelandic #indonesian #inuktitut #italian #malay #norwegian #portuguese #russian #sanskrit #scottish gaelic #spanish #swedish #tagalog #ursu #wagiman #welsh #yiddish

[bumofthewild]

what are your thoughts on the stormblood characters. did you like fordola at all

i wanted to organise my thoughts (oxymoron) on the sb chars actually so this is a good opportunity to start. none of my thoughts are positive though bc i think sb's writing is really bad so when i probably start to sound aggro during this while remembering this expansion i'm sorry.... i try not to be mean when criticising things but i have very little respect for stormblood. also this is about to be extremely long like im not kidding but i figure ppl expect that by now? i hope

i can't really talk abt the stormblood chars without mentioning how much this expansion worships whiteness. and thats even after playing heavensward????? with all of the stuffy white (though beloved) elves who love their white elf history??? fantasy rpgs in general ig. and from square enix. idk why i was so shocked by sb... its a fantasy rpg from square enix....that was truly my bad...................

but fordola isn't who bothers me the most anymore at least. while i was playing sb she used to be the worst sb character to me bc i just thought she was silly and hard to take seriously. initially i was just uninterested in her personality solely being a traitorous attack dog for the empire. that's not to say i don't think sellouts are interesting--i actually think characters like that are very interesting, hence why yotsuyu is one of the more interesting chars (but not by much). it's more that i dont think a single stormblood character was doing anything interesting enough for me to really appreciate, or if they were, it went nowhere or was so poorly developed that any new thing i learned about a character felt random. i feel like anything that could have been interesting in sb was squandered constantly. a lot of them had the potential to be interesting, but were instead so bizarrely flat and almost kind of cliche that i genuinely struggle to put it into words how sb managed to achieve this. possibly bc the story was so preoccupied with repeatedly driving home the same uncomplicated ideas about war and oppression (this would require a separate post) that any sort of actual personality was more or less lost? maybe because it didn't really have a foundation it was working from to keep itself focused? i feel like a lot of time would pass with the characters making the same realisations over and over again (we have to defeat zenos...!) and then when it came time for actual developments it had to rush, thus the feeling of being random. of course, unless, the character was from othard, which the game obviously gave more of a fuck about developing as a location.

like i think fordola's really serious and unwavering personality, the fact that she would do literally ANYTHING to accomplish whatever it is she wanted, could be interesting. if there wasn't so little else going on with her. and also that unlike her fellow ala mhigans she's white. i can't stress how ridiculous it was to watch her or lyse be presented as so important/be the more relevant ala mhigans and everyone else is brown and they're just white. but it wasn't only that she was white. there was just nothing else really going on with her whenever you saw her that provided any kind of intrigue or texture to her scenes. nothing about her character ever changed. until they reveal her motivations for joining the imperials (????)

ok anyone can correct me if i'm wrong, but her goal is to free the ala mhigans from the imperials.....?????? like i'm 100% sure that's what she said. but how does upwards mobility in an imperial nation that relishes in using the word "savage" to describe your people seem even remotely like how that's going to happen? i actually could not fathom for a long while that was what she had said. like i fail to find another way to describe this aside from idiotic, and i often try not to consider things in those terms, but i really don't know how else to describe this. like. this is what i mean when i say the backstory for the characters feels so poorly constructed it genuinely feels random. nothing about her behaviour to me suggested she gave a fuck about ala mhigo. it didn't turn out to be some grand farce when she had her skulls or whoever stomping on the brown guy who they collect dues from in the middle of the road the first time she was introduced. so i just have no idea why that's what her goals are or how i'm meant to believe that's what she wants. i have no idea why she would care about ala mhigo except that her father does or something? but that explained so little to me bc it was lazily done and she definitely does not demonstrate any resolve re that memory except for the one time you see it so okay

similarly, nothing suggests to me that she's deluded enough to believe this path she's on will lead to freedom, either. she didn't seem unaware of the cruelty of the imperials. she's actually meant to seem very capable and smart considering she's established her own unit amongst the other garleans and ends up getting the apparently desirable prize of being zenos' little pogchamp but then what???? why does she think that zenos will give her what she wants?? i literally do not understand what her angle is supposed to beeeee

so i considered the angle that what she said is actually not what we're meant to believe and we're actually meant to extract from the story that she's on a revenge quest for her father against the ala mhigans, and the best way to enact that would be to join the side that's oppressing them. except how she's expressed her motives and how the game makes it clear shes carrying on her father's beliefs for a better ala mhigo doesn't really imply that this is out of revenge either? also she'd be doing the exact same thing yotsuyu is doing, which could be possible bc this expansion can't write. but i just don't think that's it. i think if she truly believes that's what will help ala mhigo like her father did i don't care about it being wrong or right and whether she learns that won't work... but then it just seems so silly.......like girl there is literally no way..................... i am stumped trying to think of what this was supposed to mean or what insights her character could possibly be providing aside from the extremely banal "everyone deserves forgiveness" argument stories about colonialism are OBSESSED with trying to make. hmm i wonder why that is, square enix japan? why cant you properly research colonialism? why is media so obsessed with sympathising with colonisers and pretending its even remotely original to keep saying "if we kill this imperialist...we're just as bad as the people who have been systematically oppressing us for decades...." well...!!

im ngl i actually forgot about fordola until u brought her up bc post-sb really seemed to be gearing her up for the aforementioned redemption arc. but then i forgot how much ala mhigo gets pushed aside to put the spotlight back on doma. bc after she helps you fight sri lakshmi (another character who they just had to make white btw despite the vira/qalyana being brown bedlah babe snake women. they worship a white god. whatever i hate my life) she just vanishes. i thought that was maybe the most interesting thing they did with her character even despite my hatred for lazy redemption arcs for colonialists and cheap backstories about dead parents, bc i liked that she wasn't forgiven and that she herself didn't seem to know what was in store for her own life anymore, but stubbornly chose to help everyone fight and was still really driven despite all her L's. and then you just never see her again. as far as i can tell anyways, and i do not want to know actually bc im still in shadowbringers.

in a parallel world where stormblood is well-written i see myself liking fordola a lot. but this is not that world and i can't keep spending my time imagining a world where sb could be good. like... she just lacked a foundation that really made any of her actions make sense to me. was i meant to feel bad her dad got stoned for selling out to garlemald? i'm not being sarcastic i genuinely dont know if thats what the game wanted. i assume it is bc this entire expansion reeks of endless humanisation for white characters, but ive said the writing is so bad as to leave me genuinely confused abt its purpose many times already.

anyways the absolute worst waste of a char to me is zenos. i haven't had such a hard time taking a character seriously in a long time, and asahi gets introduced shortly after so competition was definitely fierce. i think part of it was that he was one of the few chars id seen fanart of b4 i got to him in the game which gave me the impression he was going to be insightful or something, so maybe i had given myself expectations. but ultimately i was left with maybe the most simplistic main villain this game has produced thus far. which is a shame, bc like fordola there's aspects of his char that i found really interesting, only for them to be routinely squandered with each new cutscene. initially i thought his disinterested, calmer demeanour was interesting in comparison to the other imperial chars, like gaius, who had a lot of thoughts about/passion for what he was doing. i like characters who feel a sort of existential boredom...like a real dead inside char who discovers a sort of esoteric way to live or regains meaning thru someone else--i love that trope! wanting to forever be locked in a cycle of violence with wol. sure. why not! i like that sort of thing! i was even willing to ignore the blonde hair and blue eyes (i wasn't) like i've done this before as someone who used to devote a lot of time to dimitri fe3h. this is not new to me.

but the thing is the moment zenos started talking about the thrill of the hunt i felt something in me wither and die. that trope is not interesting! i will never find it interesting!!!!!!!! if you do i'm happy for you but not me. his nihilism could have been interesting if it wasn't manifesting itself thru the subjugation of the fantasy brown people this game invented just to subjugate like...can we be serious. even just the scale of that was so beyond moronic to me. i had such a hard time suspending my disbelief whenever he opened his mouth... that i was supposed to care about this prince who was deathly bored of it all but somehow still gave a fuck about maintaining the occupation and fetishising the struggle? it was so hard to reconcile any of what he said with his actual apparent years of behaviour. like okay, i already know whiteness is synonymous with violence and ppl are unwilling to take that seriously, but seeing that realised in the sheer scale of colonial violence zenos apparently engages in and then for him to turn around and be like grr i'm gripped by such potent ennui and this is really deep. what about this was supposed to be complex or interesting or well-thought out. i genuinely have no clue

what made it even funnier (worse) to me was that before i got to stormblood i was back at home watching my dad play two separate video games where the main villain was a white guy with the exact same motivations: everything else in life now bored them except for this very specific (and not socially constructed at all apparently!) thrill of hunting real people/framing life as some social darwinist thought experiment that definitely has to be true bc look at how many ppl ive killed and conquered? what's left for me in this life now that i'm at the very top of the very real and not invented and not racist social pyramid.........? but it's not just a me thing humans are just like violent and actually love killingand i am very smart <- like how is this not just a blatantly normalised concept in life in general. nothing about zenos having this outlook reads as crazy or interesting to me, it actually just feels monumentally simple. he was just reading from the coloniser textbook. my sis actually told me while we were talking about the game that there's a book called "the most dangerous game" where i'm assuming this trope as it exists in media probably stems from, if not just the like usual racism/unfortunate fascination with imperialism over and over and over and over again. i just...that his thoughts on the consequences of his actions, the sheer amount of conquest he's engaged in, are largely due to some fatalistic boredom that comes from just being way too strong and too powerful and elevated above the savages. like okay dude.

i think if they had just removed that shit (except idk if thats possible the colonialism is so entrenched in this expansion bc ff couldnt conceive a non-white race without oppressing them) then his character would have been a lot better......maybe..? idk all that shit he says to you before he goes shinryu mode about violence or his being self-serving wouldn't have been original but at least it'd have been a lot easier to believe as his ideology without this nonsensical pile of bodies behind it that i literally could not take seriously. his final monologue was hard to sit through bc it all felt so random. my sis also pointed out that he doesn't feel relevant to the story, especially ala mhigo's story, at all, and i genuinely agree. i feel like they must have had a lot of ideas for him separately and then shoved him into this expansion because they needed a strong villain or something to keep their already thin plot running. with other villains you can see where they get their ideas from or why they're doing what they do and how their actions might progress the story. gaius for eg is a char i find really interesting bc i thought his opinions on primals in arr which is about primals was really interesting, and his conceptions of an ideal empire as well. like he actually has a leg to stand on and compelling things to say. nidhogg is also a good enemy to me, and i dont care so much for thordan but i still think he had interestingly selfish motivations and contributed ideas to the story. maybe that's because hvw didn't wallow so much in a simplistic good vs. evil like stormblood did...like hvw isnt just war its revising centuries of propagandized history and learning to change your own beliefs and going thru a lot of interesting discomfort (to put it mildly). stormblood i thought tried to be complicated at times when for eg meffrid (one of the only chars i liked in sb btw) would occasionally argue with lyse on what's "right" for occupied ppl to be doing during their occupation, like how a lot of ala mhigans wanted to keep their head down. you can see where that idea gets used throughout sb like in namia, but it never actually gets complicated into something worth thinking about bc again the chars are constantly reachign the same realisations over and over by the end (we have to kill zenos...! ANDTHEN THEY DONT EVEN FUCKIGN KILLGHI). like the ideas don't go anywhere, which might be for the best bc in my perfect world this game would not be writing about any of this. and now meffrid is dead bc ff doesn't give af about the ala mhigans or developing their thoughts/beliefs beyond the occasional potentially interesting idea on the map dialogue. atp i just feel blessed zenos doesn't have a backstory so that his personality isn't the result of some lazily done traumatic event. well i say that but the game couldn't even keep him dead so fuck my life. who knows what's in store for me. plz dont tell me.

all the thoughts i have are negative i'm so sorry but the chars i actually liked like gosetsu just get ruined by the time post-sb gets its evil evil hands on them so this expansion is genuinely just dead to me. i used to like gosetsu a lot, and i thought the shame he carried with him for abandoning hien a long time ago was a fun addition to his character. one of my favourite tropes is when a character just wants to die...like they feel like they've emotionally exhausted themselves and don't know what to do with the end of their life. i find that kind of thing really poignant. and i'm pretty satisfied w how they wrapped up his arc, actually, with him deciding to go on a sort of pilgrimage. it was just how they got there i absolutely hated.

it just keeps going back to an inability to write. for eg, if what they wanted was to complicate gosetsu's character by demonstrating how someone extremely self-sacrificial and devoted to his country's cause could actually really want to indulge in something, they choose to do it by having him play an uncomfortable game of house with someone who's murdered an innumerable amount of their country's people. but its okay bc instead of giving that idea any meaningful thought, here's a throwaway line about how he had a granddaughter so it makes sense he's doing this, also we're going to age regress the coloniser so its okay she's basically a child now which isn't a total slap in the face for everyone involved including the player, and then we're going to play these scenes for laughs and everyone is totally fine with it and it's not lazy writing at all.

asahi too i thought was an example of just poor writing, bc why is a single almost zero-context scene of zenos saving him supposed to do anything to explain his behaviour. does that not just seem lazy? he doesn't like zenos for any other reason...? we don't see asahi's thoughts on zenos except for this one cut scene where the chars could be replaced with how meaningless it is and then from then on his suddenly passionate behaviour is just supposed to be engaging...? i personally thought he was a lot more interesting when he seemed to genuinely believe in the bullshit he was saying about the empire being gracious and forgiving and rubbing his hands obsequiously at wol and being overly flattering and just a sort of greasy spoiled bastard. but then of course this totally obvious reveal happens and he's just some "crazy" guy who just wants to be his coloniser's lapdog bc he's sooooooo strong. fascinating. post-sb felt like a bad tv drama. its like the ideas in somewhat isolation are alright but they just stopped caring

tbf to asahi i did like his moments with yotsuyu. if they weren't so steeped in like....the weirdest plot points ever (random-ass yandere behaviour and yotsuyu behaving like a child) i would have been a lot more invested in the punishment they enacted on their parents for grooming one to be an imperial officer and the other being sold off. yotsuyu's backstory is still kind of typical but i thought she was like. interesting enough. she was ok. i could believe in/enjoy their callousness a lot more readily than a certain other character ive already said too much about. i think their truly awful sibling relationship had potential. dare i repeat myself about what happens to potential in this expansion

i wish i had more to say about hien and yugiri and lyse but they kind of just...idk. they just feel kind of shallow......... i don't think they really get developed much, i mean i definitely have things to say but there's just nothing really there that inspires me to do so and this post is already way too long. maybe when i finally write like an essay on how mjuch i dont respect stormblood. i like yugiri though. her hometown is very cool but she just gets relegated to "dutiful ninja" that they use when something needs to be done that wol isnt going to do, and they don't go into much detail about what really pushed her to leave or how exactly she felt, they just kind of have her parents tell you thats what she did. i liked the part though where she was like WE NEED TO KILL ZENOS RN bc it suddenly seemed out of character almost but then well where did that go...ok. hien just feels genuinely evil to me like his vibes are so off and i could not tell you why but he's kind of just there to move the plot forward so i really don't have much to say about him. and talking about lyse would just make this post even longer and more hateful. i used to really like her too.

time for something positive...? i really liked the azim steppe when it wasn't being so randomly misogynistic. that was where i was most interested in what was going on bc it had less to do with the war, but then you bring the war to them so...*screaming*. like it's a shame to me that the xaela are still framed by a focus on war, but the dotharl's concept of rebirth and the other practices the different groups had were maybe the most interesting things to me in the entire expansion. also how gosetsu had that moment with one of the dotharl warriors who died without it being some weirdly ignorant clash of beliefs. i liked that part a lot. sadu and magnai and cirina arent developed enough for me to have much of worth to say about them rn bc like yugiri and hien they kind of just become channels for the story, but at least they have a lot of personality and there's a lot to work with. also its 2am. i'm hoping to have more ideas re the xaela when i get around to doing the sidequests in that area, which i think will help me round out their characters more. i called cirina having a thing for hien from like a mile away btw bc this game is so unserious. anyways i think there should be like a spin-off about sadu magnai and cirina and if it doesn't come to exist soon i will grow like ten extra hands and make it myself

#ffxiv #ffxiv spoilers #stormblood spoilers #post-stormblood spoilers #seriously like actual spoilers #asks #anonymous #maybe my longest reply to an ask yet #goodnight

[dutifullyshamelessearthquake]

AAAH Mountain Road is SO PRECIOUS??? oh my heart poor poor nari was going through it! I swear I could feel his frustration!! He wanted to fuss and mother hen but he just…he had no choice but to let his body do whatever it needed 🥺 also I swear he was this close to throwing up on Cyno in that moment omg. Migraines are the WORST and it says so much about him that he’s able to push through it, while still knowing his limits. Honestly I love that about his character both in how you write him and in canon, he is very good at knowing when to push himself and when to ask for help. BUT that doesn’t mean he always likes it when he has to ask for help. He will still have that anxiety or frustration, but he also knows that it won’t get better if he tries to ignore it (something Cyno needs to learn)

also I ADORE cyno and how protective he is!! His guilt over the energy drink tho 😭 also I love how like…safe he seems to make Tighnari feel?? And even when he’s sick (and I’ll get to that) he’s just like..no.. you have a MIGRAINE like he fully understands how bad those are for Nari and would do anything to make sure he’s resting properly. I truly don’t even think he would have minded had he ended up being sick alone cuz in his mind Nari comes first.

I love how low key Cyno is quick to pass out when he’s vomiting?? Or even not feeling well! Like he’s so sturdy normally and maybe it’s cuz he doesn’t vomit easily and when he does it’s such a violent act that he just runs out of air or his blood pressure goes wonky. Idk it’s neat that it’s come up a few times now!! But also very very concerning that he didn’t fight lying down. Granted I know that it’s his go too when unwell but still it really seemed like he was gonna faint for real. And Tighnari clocked that instantly. UHG. They are so in sync I love them

There is something so sweet about them constantly checking in on each other!! Honeslty both characters being sick at once sometimes makes me weirdly anxious? Idk why lol 😂 cuz I still read them anyways and almost always love them! And I LOVED this one!! Them lying in the floor together at the end, nari getting at least a fraction of relief…Cyno… well I’m sure he’ll be fine..eventually lmao. Tighnari i feel like needs to sleep a good 12 hours and Cyno just…idk he had a bad time so I have no idea what he needs 🤣

AHH I'M HAPPY YOU ENJOYED IT!!

Nari deserved all the hugs this fic, I think being stuck on the road is up there with some of the worst places to be stuck in when you're in that much pain. And yes!! He's so strong and determined, and I love that about him. He knows how far he can rationally push his limits and he will do it if that's what the situation calls for. Also yes, he was definitely very close to throwing up all over Cyno 😭

We love protective Cyno. Tighnari definitely feels so safe with him, and Cyno would do absolutely anything for him. I imagine it broke him a little inside that he wasn't up to fussing over and comforting Tighnari ahhh, as you said, he knows how bad they get and he knows just how much pain Nari must be in. He 100% would have settled for being left alone in the bathroom in favour of Tighnari getting some proper rest 😭

YES!! This is one of the examples where things just slowly develop by themselves and I love it, it's definitely become a thing that Cyno gets light-headed easily when he's sick. Adding on to that, I wonder if he has actually blacked out in the past? Because another detail that's come up repeatedly, I think ever since my first Cynari sickfic, is that Cyno has a tendency to just kind of. stand. Like he usually stays standing upright if he's going to throw up, and almost every time without fail, the first thing Tighnari does is gently tug him down until he's kneeling. He knows how dizzy Cyno gets when he throws up.

Also absolutely, I think Cyno was on the verge of fainting and barely held it together here. The stress of them both being sick, this being the second violent vomiting spell in a short time, his body was just ready to nope out of that completely if he didn't lie down.

Ahh I get that! If it helps, I will be sure to include it in the warnings when we're going to be dealing with both characters in a fic being sick!

BUT YES, I love the scene of them both just lying there,,, in my head I kind of imagine that they slept there on the floor together for a while. Like maybe an hour or later one of them would stir and find they're both curled up together on the floor. And the next day they'd spend all day in the comfort of the bed, huddled up together and sleeping off their symptoms. Tighnari definitely needs a good marathon sleep. Cyno,,, I think once he's managed to throw up most of what's making him sick, he also needs a good long rest and plenty of hydration 🥺

#earthquake author's note #earthquake rambles #sickfic #genshin sickfic #genshin emeto #emeto #emeto fic #sick cyno #sick tighnari

[ambiguousintentions]

4.9.2024 Reflection

Damn. It's been more than a year since I left education and half a year since I ditched my last set of friends (had to; they hurt me bad, and their texts were beginning to trigger anxiety attacks).

Sober for about 3 weeks now for an electrician apprenticeship I applied for. Couldn't do corporate- fuckers wanted to only give me a $1.50/hr raise after I reworked their entire operations system and developed SOPs for them. Making silly YouTube videos in the meanwhile, which is honestly so fun. If only it could be more lucrative though- then I'd truly be living.

Ever since I ditched my friends, I just keep trying to reflect on all the ways I'm shitty. Am I just too sensitive? Was I actually not a good friend? Was I not educated enough? Was I too offensive? Too snobbish? Not proactive enough? What could I have done to make them care about me more?

All of those are probably true to some degree, but it's hard to tell what degree. It's easy to feel like everything's your fault. My fault for getting too upset too easily, for not letting social issues go, for not knowing when to just chill. To be honest, I've kind of stopped trying to make friends. I just feel like I'm wasting everyone's time. Why bother when I know that I'm just 4th choice? I know you're barely enjoying this conversation; I'll release you from it. Sorry.

But today one of my students found the Gen Alpha rant video I made about 3-4 months ago, where I detailed about problems I saw in the education system. When I left education, I left my last high school once fall semester was over; admin had about a month to find a replacement for me, which I thought was reasonable enough time. The student who commented on my video yelled at me for leaving them and asked why I couldn't just suck it up, because they had an apathetic sub for the rest of the year. They said that I shouldn't blame my colleagues (cause I blamed them for playing movies all the time and literally letting the kids literally re-enact squid games instead of actually learning and doing work, which lead to a lot of shitty attitudes and behavior (and of course there were other criticisms but they agreed with those)) since they were probably experiencing the same stress I was experiencing. But they also said that my class was the only class they felt like they learned from.

I feel like crying. I feel strangely validated. Thanks; I didn't know you were actually learning from my class. I'm so happy to hear you learned. You're right though- I am weak. Sorry. I don't know how to fix that. I'm working on it, but I don't know how to do that faster. I don't know what I could possibly do now to fix my mistake of leaving. Am I your deadbeat dad???

I do that often I think. Sometimes people want to get to know me, but I've already decided we've got nothing in common. I don't want to bore them, and I wouldn't want them to bore me. So I give up before I give it an honest effort.

But it just has me thinking... how many times has this probably happened? I leave because I'm failing when in reality I'm not??? I leave because I feel myself getting increasingly bitter and frustrated and know that if I stay in that same place for too long, I'm going to blow up and do or say something I'll regret. It's just... it takes me so long to reflect on things. To figure out how I feel. I mean, fuck, I'm finally at a place where I feel like I COULD potentially have a conversation with one of my old friends without having an anxiety attack, but it's been 6 fucking months.

I feel like a mess. I've been repeatedly transforming myself for the last decade. I looked back on my posts from years ago, and I can't help but feel like I still harbor the same underlying issues. I feel like the wisdom I've gained over the years has helped me control the damage a bit better yet at the same time the collective damage is breaking me. I wonder when I'll be done transforming and finally settle into the form I've made for myself.

And yet. At the same time... when I look back at those posts... and see how upset I was ten years ago- similar to how upset I was in the past year-

I can't help but laugh and smile at the journey I've been on. Such a winding and long journey only to end up in the same psychological spot but in a different physical setting. Did I truly go anywhere? Is the whole point to do another cycle just so you can laugh all over again about the convoluted way you took just to arrive back in your haunted home of a body?

#personal #different day same shit i suppose #like... what happens to adults like me yknow?

[cazort]

Ugh. Awful day. Six months ago my wife and I bought a washing machine and chose to buy a Speed Queen, which was much more expensive than most other brands, because it had a top-notch reputation and long warranty and we just didn't want to have to deal with breakdowns. This was a tough choice that we did not make lightly. Buying a house was a huge financial burden and my finances are now tighter than they've been in years, and the amount of money at stake matters. We were hoping to buy stability and leave us with one fewer thing to worry about during a stressful life transition.

Well a few days ago, it broke after 6 months, which is irritating enough, but the company has been hellish to deal with. They keep over-promising and under-delivering. Tuesday they said a local service company would reach out to schedule an appointment within 48 hours. Over 72 hours went by with no call. I called again today and the system said the wait time was 1 hour 6 minutes. This is literally the longest wait time I have ever had from any company. I put my number in the queue and they called me back...1 hour 50 minutes later.

The rep was barely helpful. She did not seem to understand the gravity or magnitude of the situation and spoke as if what happened to me was business-as-usual, rather than a rare, once-in-a-blue moon occurence that the company wanted to bend over backwards to fix. She tried calling the contractor and couldn't reach them. She did switch the ticket to a different contractor, who called me back later that afternoon, so now I have an appointment set up for next Thursday.

But I'm upset. I'm upset that I paid over twice the price for what I thought would be a premium product unlikely to break, and with a commitment to outstanding service, and instead I got a company that provides the longest hold times I have ever seen in my life, repeatedly makes promises it fails to deliver on, and reps that have no authority to escalate the issue or do anything to right the situation.

And I still don't know what is going to happen on Thursday. Will the contractor show up? Will they be able to fix it then and there, or will I have to wait days or weeks for a replacement part? Am I going to need to drag our laundry to the laundromat and incur additional costs doing so?

I have already filed a BBB complaint. I would like a partial rebate of the price I paid, because the value I have received is not worth what I paid for. I also am talking about my experience online.

Speed Queen has a top-tier reputation. They are a brand mainly used by laundromats, supposedly made to handle a heavy volume of use and last for many years. But the way they have treated me as a customer makes me feel like I've been cheated and would have done better buying a cheaper brand available at any box store.

I'm a reasonable person. I don't expect top-tier service if I buy a cheap, low-end product. I can even forgive mediocre service. But paying premium prices and then getting unspeakably bad service is just unconscionable to me.

If they had told me it might take a week to get contacted, I would be annoyed but it wouldn't be as bad as saying I would expect a call in a certain time frame and then have that call not come. And I might feel better if they did what most companies do, which is to at least apologize profusely and tell me they are really concerned with what is going on and escalate the situation. Like earlier this week I called my bank about something they messed up and the woman was like "Yeah you are right, the interface is actually really bad. I get why you are upset. We really need to improve that."

Like sometimes that's literally all it takes. Someone saying "Wow, we really messed up. I'm really sorry that sucks so much."

But no I didn't even get that.

And of course if this happens to me I'm gonna talk about it everywhere. So right now I am warning people about Speed Queen. They may have an amazing reputation but my experience with them so far has been awful.

#speed queen #washer #washing machine #home appliances #customer service

[flippinwhippen]

@clownattack

You already know who this is, so I’m not going to bother and introduce myself.

I’m going to say this one more time and see if it gets through to you, because honestly the spectacle of this last stunt was… well. I always thought the username clownattack was a joke, but you do seem very determined to prove me wrong.

Also you and NJ need to have a genuine conversation, because, might I remind you, she doesn’t like her conversations being posted in public areas. This was a whole conversation that the two of you had, I should know I facilitated it and helped her gather up the courage to tell you her damn feelings on it.

I really don’t give a shit about the rest of what was in that folder. I looked through it, and I’m not sure it’s nearly as damning as you think it is. It’s also, as K would say, cherry picked to hell but that at least I expected.

That is what I’ve come to expect from you.

 I mostly just care that you put NJ’s words up somewhere were she doesn’t want them, so take them down. The rest, fine, do what you will. It’s a shitty thing to do, but once again, it would be very onbrand for you to take an argument taken out of context and pass it around for outside parties to look at so… I won’t lie to you and say I’m surprised.

But that’s not what I’ve come here to say.

Here it is, one more time – the thing that I have already said repeatedly to you, the thing you have made sure didn’t surface in any of those DM’s that you have tucked away nice and tidy in your Google Drive Doc.

I never said I was innocent in this, I just said I was hurt, and there is a difference.

So let’s start with what I did, because yes, yes I did do things that I shouldn’t have and I have already made abundantly clear to you I regret.

Yes, I got passive aggressive with you and yes, it wasn’t fair and I should have told you from the beginning you were making me uncomfortable. This was, and remains, my biggest mistake – failing to communicate my feelings in a timely manner before I found myself trapped by circumstance and general anxiety about how everything might crumble if I said something.

Believe it or not, I subscribe pretty heavily to the motto, just let people have fun. The trouble is, when it’s my things they’re having fun with that no longer fully stands. I made a bad assumption here, I assumed that you would know when you’d taken it too far.

I was wrong, because you took it too far so many times. My normal tricks to try and shift the conversation never worked with you, and we’d always end up back where we started and right back in my discomfort zone no matter how many times I did this. Normally, I would have ghosted you a lot earlier, as I tend to do when I am no longer vibing with a conversation, but this wasn’t just a simple one on one chat, this was a server.

A server that you’d built for me… kinda.

And I felt bad, I felt like I owed you for that, cause it was such a nice gesture and so sweet – and so I just kept letting myself get pushed further and further back into discomfort, attempting to keep the conversations civil as my own mental state degraded.

When this finally all blew up, I was not at my best. I was unmedicated, and already stressed due to other circumstances, and all I’d known was you’d been gone from the server for a long time, and when I’d asked N about you were staying away from it to ‘discipline me’, something I took exception to considering the reason I’d wanted to check up on you was because I was worried.

At that point, for all my frustrations with you, I still very much considered you a friend.

Then everything hit the roof. The first conversation we had, me unmedicated, you fresh off the hurt train – it was nothing more than a whole lot of furious words tossed back and forth. Everyone was angry, everyone was stressed, and everyone felt like they had been wronged. I, at that point, was in my full defensive curl, and mostly just needed people to get away from me so I could properly blow up on my own time.

Also, I feel it pertinent to note, that regardless of what you think happened between me and K, K was dedicated to peace on the server. They do not simp for me, they rightfully called out some of my actions as being explosive and my language instigatory.

And on top of the months of stress, and the angry, and the lack of medicine there was so, so much more going on behind the scenes in my own personal life at that point. I don’t know how much N has told you about this year, but I suppose, as you would say, iykyk.

All and all, I could have handled this better and I know that, I never said I handled this perfectly, or hell, even well. This is not something I have a lot of experience in, my writing especially was something that used to be only for myself.

I have years of built up feelings about this, and they are temperamental and unpredictable, and I know that on average I can be a lot more sensitive then some people. It is something that I have had to work through over the years, and will continue to have to work through over the coming ones. I have a lot of attachment to what I make, as do a lot of creators – and it can be hard seeing said characters taken and used in ways I don’t necessarily vibe with.

However, I’ve gotten better about it, even find it amusing and kinda fun – when it’s fans who are doing it. But you were never a fan, and that’s were the main problem lies. You were supposed to be a friend.

Now let’s examine you for a second here. You claim your innocent in all of this, you’re very much not. Obvious, yes – tending towards misunderstanding, very much so. I can safely say that before this argument spiraled into something so pathetically public, you probably were genuinely unaware of your actions and how they affected others.

You were unaware you were hurting me.

Except no, you weren’t were you?

First thing I want to establish out of the gate, we were never best friends. I don’t know why you think this, or where you got this from, but you were always NJ’s best friend, not mine. You were a friend, sure, but you and I had a more casual relationship before you took an ‘interest’ in my fic.

We barely talked, and I mostly just got involved when one drama or another in your life reared it’s ugly head and you needed comforting, and potentially retribution in the form of silly fics featuring your OCs. Sidenote, I have written you a lot of a free work and honesty it is staggering to look back on all the little things I made for you, some of it requested some of it not. It was a fine relationship – you were always a bit much for me. You infodump pretty hard, and I never really felt a spark with you as an online friend. We didn’t vibe, but that was fine, because you and NJ vibed and that’s what I cared about.

You and her had a good relationship, kinda. I’m not going to get into E, that entire thing is on yours and NJ’s plate now – I will not associate myself with that. Needless to say though, I’d known for a long time that E was a bad influence on you, but figured it was your right to pick who you were friends with. So I let it go, and let you live your life.

The K drew a picture, and you were very into it. You started reading my fics, first from the middle, then eventually looping back to the beginning. You were very confused for awhile because you read ahead and you didn’t quite get what was going on. You told me that you wanted to avoid the Dead Dove stuff, and I respected that.

My work is not everyone’s cup of fetid tea.

You did read through them eventually though, and oddly enough you latched onto a rather disgusting example of humanity from them. I was confused, but figured hey, N likes questionable characters, so why not? Along with that, there was a certain understanding that even though it made me uncomfortable to a degree, you were having fun and so I decided that’s okay – N can have fun. She’s not hurting anyone.

And that’s where the real trouble began, right there. Boundaries, and your lack of understanding of them. There are no invisible lines in the sand, but there are instances when someone has been repeatedly made uncomfortable, and the other person just keeps pushing.

For an example, let me bring up the fish videos you have sent me or posted in chats with me on more then one occasion. You have expressed remorse for this, and I’m sure you did feel it, but the fact that it happened more then once after I made it clear that fish hurting was something that I can’t handle due to certain things I saw when I was young makes me think that you did not really register that boundary.

Your drawings made me uncomfortable from the get go, but they were also pretty funny sometimes, and also I saw no real reason to start snipping at you for something like that. I figured I was being petty, and had this notion that if it just stayed at this level, everything would be fine. I could live with a little discomfort, that was fine, it wasn’t as though you knew what you were doing.

I even made you a couple AU fics, just because I saw how much you were enjoying all of it. I was happy that you were having fun, which is why in the beginning I encouraged it. However as time went on, things began to get harder.

You claim I don’t like Rowan because I’m biphobic, which would be a very weird thing to be because I do happen to be bi as you well know. I didn’t like your OC for a multitude of reasons, but in the end the plain in simple fact is I was never obligated to like your OC. You flung her into the chat, and then you never stopped talking about her – inserting her places where she wasn’t wanted.

And in the beginning, I did try to be encouraging, I did. I never liked her, but you were having fun with her so once more I gritted me teeth and went along with it. It was around now though that I began to bitch a little bit to NJ. Trouble was, I fake bitch all the time, and she didn’t realize I was actually growing upset until it was far too late.

This is the part where you failed to understand boundaries. You’d hit me with text wall after text wall of questions, most of them about world building, or characters that I didn’t care about. You were curious in a bunch of elements of the world that I hadn’t really bothered to think about and for a time I tried to keep up with you.

But as your character began to expand, her backstory actively colliding with several parts of my world, it felt more like you wanted to do your own thing then actually build something within the story I’d created. Which would have been fine, had you not been a friend, and actively in my DM’s both day and night.

It was not something I wanted to see.

I was always more friendly with K, you are correct about that. It’s plain and simple, I liked K more. I liked K’s ideas more, I liked their stories more, I liked their characters more. K made and effort to fit into my worlds boundaries and when they broke one there was always a reason for it.

They let loose their own established characters whose world building directly conflicted with mine, and it was funny to watch the sparks fly off of it. We were having fun with one another, and I enjoyed conversations with them.

I did not enjoy conversations with you, a delude of questions, songs and memes that always made me wonder just what fic you were reading. Because whatever it was you were reading, it couldn’t have been mine. The ideas you were taking away from it were so alien to me, I didn’t recognize them as my own half the time.

I began to pull away from you, to ghost you. I spent more and more time with K because talking to them was actually enjoyable, and from my perspective I figured there was no real harm in it. After all, you were NJ’s friend, not mine. You and her had had a dialogue going for over two years, you were buddies.

I was just a supplemental friend, and was comfortable in that position. For me, the server was broken up into two groups – Me and K, and you and NJ. We were all friends, but we were mostly friends with one another, and that only became truer as your fanart became more and more based strictly around your OC and her actions, and less around anything that really related to me.

So I started to simply interact with K, because I wanted to enjoy my life. We were having fun, a fun that would end up later causing drama of a different sort, but something that I will firmly state here has nothing to do with you. It has to do with me and NJ, it is our relationship after all – and on a side note, I do not appreciate the fact you seem to think it is okay to insert yourself into it the way you have.

I understand that friends complain to one another, that is what friends are for – but you need to keep that shit to yourself. Those were NJ’s thoughts that were meant to be shared with just you, and you don’t have any right to go parading them around like you did earlier.

You were getting quieter, which quite frankly was a relief to me. I wasn’t so stressed out anymore, I figured you and NJ were off doing your own things, or you’d gotten distracted by something else. I checked up sometimes, answered when I could stomach it, but at that point the discomfort had grown to a boiling point.

I was unhappy, uncomfortable, and felt that my boundaries had been very thoroughly violated. However, I didn’t have the words then to say that – wasn’t even fully sure what I should be feeling. It was simply too much. You had continued on for ages, even as my responses grew more scattered, even as you saw me pulling away.

And here’s where I really begin to take issue with some of your actions. You clearly knew that I was pulling away, trying to get away, but you never asked me why. You simply asked to see K and my Rp logs – you expressed curiosity in them that I in no way wanted to entertain at that point and would find out later you had no real interest in.

Just another way to try and grab my attention.

I was anxious, sickeningly anxious actually about what you might do with those logs, as it turned out I should have been though that came later. I didn’t want K to upload them, but that’s not what I told them.

I told them to go ahead and decide, and they, oblivious to the situation happily uploaded them. It was somewhat of a relief when you didn’t seem to have any real interest in the rp logs, though left me confused as to why you’d want to see them anyways.

 Back and forth and back and forth, answers slowly petering out to questions posed to me. I mostly just popped on to upload new chapters, chapters I feel the need to say that I was giving you, NJ and K exclusive access to. I didn’t have to do that, but I was sharing it with the group of you for fun – so we could go over them before they were released to the public.

So you could all go wild in the Thunderdome

At this point, there were many things that could have happened. An earnest conversation maybe about boundaries and how I was feeling, or just a dialogue opened between the pair of us. I felt my hands were tied, and I couldn’t open said dialogue, so regardless of whether it was fair or not, it would have fallen on you to open it.

Not that I necessarily think an open dialogue would have saved any of this, not after everything you’ve said and done now.

Finally, after a long span of silence, we got into it on the server. You changed the name to something that directly insulted something of mine and I left. It hadn’t been a good time, N and I were I believe fighting at that point – though I can’t quite remember. No one was happy, K had been in a bad way, and everyone was just trying to get things back on the up and steady.

I left the server, and I genuinely had no intention of ever coming back to it. It had become such a toxic brew of emotions for me at that point that I couldn’t stand it. And still, even at this point, as frustrated as I had assumed somewhere deep down that this was all something as simple as a little misunderstanding.

Then we talked, and I learned that was not the case.

I still don’t fully understand your view on creative freedom I guess. It seems you firmly back the stance of creativity is good, and freedom is good, no matter what it creates and who it hurts when it’s created? That was all I ever got from our conversations at least. The funny part was, that even during that first, off the rails, unmedicated conversation I was still worried about you.

I didn’t want you to feel like your headcannons or Au’s were something you had to hide from the world at large, but I needed to communicate they were something you couldn’t share with me. I didn’t like them, and they were stressing me out.

But I was also so mad, and so tired, and felt so backed into a corner at this point. All I wanted to do was run, and not just from you, but from everything. I did run, a pathetic little trot outside into the blazing heat without shoes so I could hide without my phone away from everyone. It felt wretched and exhausting, and far worse was that people eventually came to find me.

After the first freakout, our conversation ended a bit more smoothly, though there was no real resolution that was reached. Neither of us were happy with the other, though there was the hope, at least for me, that maybe after I’d had some time to cool off and things didn’t hurt quite as much I could possibly try this all again.

A month later, I got my answer. I case you missed it, that message I sent you when I got back wasn’t supposed to be inciting a war. It was supposed to be ending one. I had thought it over, and decided that I simply wasn’t ever going to be comfortable seeing your interpretations of my world again, and figured that it was easier if I just stayed back from the server for the rest of its existence. This here, was my attempt at getting things back to normal.

Bury it was my recommendation. You got hurt, I got hurt so we should just leave it and not speak on it. We could be more hands off, I even sent you a gift, in an effort to try and smooth things over a little bit. A sort of, I’m still upset, but let’s try and make things work.

It was then that you went nuclear. I do not have the conversation anymore, and I do not feel like unblocking you on discord to find it. It was a little like being back with you on the server, you called me all the names under the sun, insisted I was a narssict and furiously rebuffed any efforts I made to rebuild the bridge.

And eventually, I gave up and just started shouting back. At a certain point I realized that this should be the last conversation the pair of us ever had, and realistically it should have been. A lot of nasty words were exchanged, though you had an amazing amount of venom to spew. You have some of these words in your text document that you published – but you’ve chopped it up.

You’ve left only the ending notes, and you’ve stripped it of all meaning and repurposed it kind of like what you did with my characters. It seems that that’s just how you do things, and once more I find that it is kind of hard to be surprised.

That fight caused a lot of things to happen, things that I will not put here on a public site. You do not have the right to know, and I refuse to arm you with the knowledge of just how much power you had over me with those last few barbs, even if I have shaken off the worst of it by now.

I have never, after all, had a friend turn on me quite the way you turned on me. Arguments, disagreements, petty fights, yes… but this was something else. NJ and I continued to fight, as you are aware, our relationship is less stable than it could be. That is neither here nor there, and I will repeat in case you missed it the first time.

Stop trying to insert yourself into our relationship, maybe focus on your own.

I blocked you on discord, but the damage was thoroughly done. Because, NJ still decided you were her best friend, and I didn’t feel like I had any right to say otherwise. This conflict was between you and me after all, and who was I to tell her who she could and couldn’t be friends with?

Along with that, her and I were already fighting as you are aware – boundaries had been crossed without being recognized, and in doing so a whole stewpot of problems had been uncovered. Our relationship was on the rocks, and it still is if I’m fully honest. I was angry with her, she was angry with me.

The point here, is I left you alone. I did not drag you publicly, kept my frustration locked within the circle that it had spawned in. I considered it classless to have a meltdown in front of the internet, and also possibly damaging to both our reputations.

You are, after all, a highly talented artist who I have no doubt will go on to do some amazing things once you graduate, and I am an author with a small internet fanbase. I figured that at least we both had the understanding that we’d leave each other alone and simply complain about one another to the respective parties.

Then I saw your edit.

 I forgot what compelled me to look it up – I’ve never been all that good at letting go though. My mind still saw you as a friend somewhat, and as stupid as that was I was curious to look back on memories, see what you were up to.

That incredibly stupid thought was quickly removed simply by going to your main account. The gripe that I owed you money, that was fair. I did not deliver you the commission you paid for, and I did need to give you that money back. I’d actually tried before, but I still maintain that the link was broken, or maybe my phone and computer just didn’t like it.

Needless to say, at this point you were no longer a friend. I snapped back at you, not bothering to be nice now and demanded your KoFi. You told me you’d never taken it down, and it turns out you hadn’t. I left a salty little note for you, and sent you your money back both extra for all money sent before, and then we spat venom at each other for a little bit.

Then I realized that you’d been vagueposting about me more then I thought, accept the vagueposting wasn’t vague at all. My username was in it. I didn’t really know what to feel at that point, just tired as I scrolled through rambling assumptions about who I was as a person. It felt bad of course, seeing all these horrible things you thought about me, but honestly what could I do?

I complained to NJ and she told you to take the username off, and stop posting on tumblr. She did this several times, which is very telling as far as I’m concerned. You get presented with a boundary, and you heed it for a while, before you decide it is once more time to cross it. You have, after all, posted more stuff up on tumblr, though at this point you’ve done far worse then that.

For my own sanity, I forced myself not to go and lurk. I knew what I’d see would upset me, and while comparing a trans person to JK Rowling is quite tasteless, it was the fact that you were still using my characters while you were doing this that really got me.

On one hand, you describe the author as emotionally disturbed, and horrible, and a narssict. On the other hand, you still tag my characters in your posts. You willfully interacted with my content, but at the same time smeared my character.

So I just left, and K should have done the same though they were deeply affronted by all the things they’d witnessed. They were never lurking on you tumblr you see, they still followed you – that’s why it kept popping up in their feed. Because before you started going ballistic on them, they were under the assumption this fight was between you and me.

K had after all attempted to play peacemaker while in the chat, had attempted to mend bridges and salvage a friendship they thought was salvageable. They were hurt and furious when they saw that now that NJ had told you not to aim your venom at me, you were aiming it at them.

In the end, instead of responding, they did the right thing and just blocked you. I figured that finally, finally we’d come to the end of it. Both K and I were prepared in case we got any random commenters wandering him with misinformation you’d given them, but we figured we’d cross that bridge when we came to it.

And then E, your very own E showed up on my user page, harassing one of my commentors with this long winded ill informed bullshit. I wasn’t that stunned to see them, I’d recently restricted all of my posts, wondering if they are you would turn up there eventually. I didn’t want to write for you after all, didn’t want you seeing my creative works.

At this point, I didn’t want you near anything I’d made – even though realistically I knew that this was an unreasonable expectation seeing as how the internet was. K also came to snap, and then I left it there, not caring to touch it anymore.

Then you showed up, and so went any last shred of respect I had for you. I woke up to a message from K, telling me that I better get over to my page. I did, what do you know, N has made a new account, and also linked to a google drive, all smack dab in the middle of my public page.

I of course delete all of it and turn on comment moderation – I had no desire for that drama to go any more public than it already has gotten on that site. I also blocked you, though no surprise there, you no doubt saw that coming.

So let’s review the facts:

We had a fight in which neither of us were fully innocent, and both of us did damage. I hurt you, you hurt me, we were both angry.

We split ways under fiery circumstances, nobody left the conversation satisfied with how it ended but that’s life.

You continued to post about me on tumblr, continued to wrap my user name up in things along with threats to spill the beans on me, to spill the receipts on a server that only you have access to now. A server you can very easily cherry pick from.

When NJ tells you to knock it off, you switch your posting over to K, the other person in the situation.

When K blocks you, you send E to my page and have them post a long-winded vague post about how I am petty, and shallow and essentially the worst.

When I block E, you come yourself, along with a Google Drive of carefully curated conversations that you’d been creating since October, long past when this conflict was supposed to have boiled out and grown tepid.

Summary: No one is attacking you N, you are attacking me and K, repeatedly. You are not some poor sad victim here, at this point you are truly and fully the instigator. Everyone else doesn’t want anything more to do with this, we did the adult thing and left – we accepted that some situations cannot be saved and just walked away.

Ask yourself this, what do you hope to gain from this? Do you want the world to see that me as the horrible person you see me as? Is that your end goal? Or is your goal just to continuously to scream at me till the end of days? Because I’ve already said my peace here, I really have. I hate you at this point, and I’ll never not hate you – you’ve just done too much damage.

And even with all this, and honestly I hate myself for it but I feel the need to repeat it one more time just so you hear it.

I am sorry for my part in this, and for what I did that hurt you. I never meant to make you feel horrible about yourself, or your work, or any of that – I never meant to make you feel abandoned. I figured we had an understanding that we did not. You are a talented artist N, I’ve always maintained that.

But as a person N, you have proven to be a real piece of fucking work.

So just fuck off already.

[danpuff-ao3]

Self-Care, Burn-Out, Failure, & Growth

With 2022 winding down, and my stress levels at an all time high, I've been reflecting with amusement on how my primary goal for this year was to focus on self-care and how badly it's been going.

Oddly enough, beating oneself up over one's healing process is decidedly unhelpful.

On the surface, it sounds easy. And with the awareness of mental health struggles, it might even sound noble. The reality is that self-care is very, very difficult. It can't just be me.

All of my self-worth is tied to my usefulness to others. How is what I'm doing beneficial to others? How is what I'm doing considered productive? Even my desire to improve my mental health is tied to others. I'm doing poorly; I need to work on that...As is, I'm a burden to others. Self-care was turned into a checklist that I marked off with gusto.

Rarely did it actually help. Lately it's been feeling a lot like failure; but now I'm not so sure. Change doesn't happen overnight. I'm a 30 year old perfectionist with a long history of anxiety, OCD, and bucket loads of trauma. There's a lot for me to unpack. A lot to untangle in my head, alongside learning this new skill of self-care.

So...not failure, so much as learning. I've been more aware of my struggles, and my mindset, and my intentions. It's been trial and error. Baking is relaxing if I'm doing it for fun, and if I don't add the "I should bring this to work to share with my coworkers -- now this loaf needs to be extra good!"; writing is enjoyable if I don't think "I need this to be perfect so people don't judge me!"; reading is nice if I don't think "I need to finish this and finish that, because my friend wrote it, or I want to get involved in this conversation, or to knock more titles off of my to-read list."; watching shows or films because I want to and not because "I need to finish, need to be up to date!"; I want to be more involved with the community but it quickly turns into "I need to create this server, join this fest, do this and do that."

Last week I hit my breaking point. I took some mental health days off work. I told myself -- repeatedly -- to not feel guilty for missing work, and to not feel obligated to work on writing. To not rush around doing housework, or feel bad if I don't do housework. Over and over I told myself to just do whatever I felt like doing. No rush. No pressure. Everything else could wait for 2 friggin' days. Just...chill out, for once!

And lo and behold, it helped!

The worries crept in, but I smacked them away. "No, we're not doing that today." I still did a lot. I'm always happiest doing something. I accomplished various tasks, but it wasn't for anyone. I drafted a few unfinished rec lists. I made more work on my AO3 bookmarks. I dove headfirst into typing up Harry Potter astrology essays. Wherever my whims led, I followed.

It was refreshing! I had fun! I felt good for the first time in a long time.

How I can hold the worries at bay long term, I don't know. I have realized I need to scale back on my obligations. Admit defeat for my own betterment. Free up my time to focus on what I'm passionate about. Remembering that not second of every day has to be useful or wasteful, with no in between.

Maybe I've not yet "achieved" great self-care, but I also haven't failed. It's a process, a journey. One I'm actively working on. I'm trying. I'm learning. That's growth, however small.

#personal #mental health #self-care

[fuckyouozai]

two fics in my post atla pre lok timeline now have been tagged with the kids having ptsd (zuko and katara respectively) even tho that’s not like. the central point of the story, it’s just a fact about how they interact with the world and i am going to share some thoughts on how i think that manifests for all of them

for zuko, as i wrote in this fic i think he tends to have some similarities with azula when it comes to like. depersonalization and feeling detached from reality, like he’s looking at himself and the world through someone else’s eyes. we see canonically in the show that he really repeatedly struggles with cognitive dissonance and understanding his reality as it is rather than how he Thinks it is, and i think that carries on for many years for him

it’s a coping mechanism, because all of this happened to him when he was so young that now he’s 17 and on the throne and beginning this new life and when he looks back at himself as a kid then he feels like that person is more real than the person he is now, because for so long he internalized the pain and shame he felt that now its source is gone, he almost doesn’t know what to do with himself. and that’s a lot like his sister, who lost her grip on reality when the version of herself which she understood fell apart (think of how she said “you can’t treat me like zuko!” to ozai at the beginning of sozin’s comet)

for katara, as evidenced in this fic and i think portrayed pretty clearly in the series, she gets restless. she feels like she can’t not move and help, and in a way she goes looking for that challenge and that fight in order to prove herself. when she sees horrible things, like the whole painted lady situation or the southern raiders ep, she has to act. i imagine post-series, when the opportunities to act and fight to save the world have calmed down a little, she doesn’t know what to do with herself. she has all this desire to move and act but nowhere to direct it

and it causes her guilt and shame, that she wants to fight so badly when she knows that fighting is bad and dangerous and they almost didn’t survive it the last time. i think of her as really feeling horrible for almost missing that time, feeling like she’s a monster for wanting the challenge of it, waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, ready to fight except there’s no one there she needs to fight. it’s more of a hypervigilance situation than zuko’s is, and lingering guilt that she carries with her for years

for aang, i mean. the man’s an airbender! his whole perspective is to avoid and turn away and cut loose when things get rough. he tries really hard to, and often packs it away deep down in order to comfort the people around him (especially katara, whose guilt he can clearly see) but i do imagine him struggling particularly when his children are born. the next generation of air nomads, who all came from him, the responsibility of rebuilding entirely on his shoulders. that’s when the grief of losing his people really starts to take shape in a way that he looks at directly, making it difficult to breathe sometime, afraid that he’ll do something wrong or forget something or fail to live up to the absolutely impossible burden of being the only remaining air nomad. (which he will! he cannot contain an entire society inside himself!)

also, nightmares. aang canonically has nightmares from the very first episodes of the series all through the entire show. those don’t let up. i wrote in this fic that when bumi was born aang’s nightmares were so bad that he could barely sleep and i think as he grows up he hardens a little to get a better handle on the nightmares and the fears. poor baby

sokka and toph i have less thoughts on. i think they both tend to throw themselves into their work, especially sokka, who naturally takes on a leadership role when he’s stressed. i think that would explain why he is on the council in republic city, he just can’t stop himself from stepping up when he’s needed.

i’m of the opinion that in a crisis, of all the gaang you want the water sibs with you because both katara and sokka are the coolest and most collected in a crisis. sokka gets a clarity of mind that i think is one of the things that makes him stand out from the rest of the gaang, and katara is a bit like. dps lmao you point her and shoot

sokka and toph also have a special bond where they had that moment in sozin’s comet where they truly like. were certain they were both going to die and in that moment sort of accepted it, and i think that’s unique to the two of them in a way that the others don’t get. sokka is a nonbender and toph was in a lot of ways fully reliant on him on the airships because of her blindness. it was different than zuko and katara against azula, or aang going full child god on ozai

anyway. thots

#mine

[niconebula]

While I’m still shadowbanned and thus won’t get dogpiled, I want to talk about my last point here with Lumity.

It’s.. bothered me. It was fun and fine the first few times, but In Season 2B I’ve honestly grown a bit uncomfortable with how often Luz crosses boundaries with Amity and then they’re made to make up immediately. A lot of people praised it as healthy - to me it seems toxic.

First, Luz accidentally gets Amity fired at her job at the Library. Luz accidentally breaks Amity’s heart in the basement of the house thinking that she’s rejecting her. At this point it’s just shenanigans and it didn’t bother me until they kept adding onto it.

Then in Follies, Luz tries to keep secrets from Amity about her mom. Okay, whatever. Then in Reaching Out, Luz lies again about the same thing and causes Amity to be kicked out of something she’s really passionate about. The problem is that the show has an excuse for Luz’s behaviour to be ignored every time - and while she is stressed and sad, yes - but that is an explanation and not an excuse for behaviour.

The show tries to address this disconnect and have Luz admit some fault, but it ends up failing because they obviously don’t actually want her to be at fault or have to make up for it - the line is just in there so Amity feels bad.

I feel like it gets even worse when Amity says that they haven’t even been on a single date for what’s been over a month, and Luz says she’s been too busy. Which again, YES, she is busy - but not busy enough to be unable to spend a single afternoon with her girlfriend. Furthermore Amity is made to only interact with Luz out of the whole friend group and is kind of completely dependent on her.

TLDR: It feels like the entirety of Season 2 Lumity is 1) Amity doing something she likes / wanting to spend time with Luz, 2) Luz messing it up and then saying that she’s just stressed, 3) Amity saying “that’s okay” and they move on. And as somebody who has been in a relationship like this, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable that they still continue to excuse it every single time.

People praise it and call Lumity super healthy because “they never fight!”. When I was with my ex we never argued over stuff like this- because I was too scared to stand up for myself and be ‘the bad guy’ when I felt like they were being repeatedly insensitive or inattentive to me.

#I have a lot of feelings about this and they’ve never come out until now #my ex had me apologizing to them for months when we broke up because I felt like it was my fault for being upset with them #lumity #I AM tagging it here because I’m shadowbanned so it won’t show up anyway in their tag #the owl house

[thesevenwondersofawitch]

The Brothers Sun e2

Charles is wearing a cat apron that says it's a Purrfect day while he's casually chopping up a body😂

Division of labor😂

Bruce is honestly so relatable

I love how Charles is just like, it's only 7am, there's time for you to be involved in this😂

Charles struggling to zip the overstuffed suitcase meanwhile Bruce is having an existential crisis 😂

Bruce, whining: "I don't understand why this is happening. Why are you here."

Charles: "I'm here to protect mom."

Bruce: "Why does Mom need protecting? She's just a nurse."

Bruce's friend who brought them all breakfast, walking into a literal murder scene but all chill and happy to help, saluting Charles.

Charles, done with this shit: "Why the fuck are you saluting?"

Flexing muscles:"Cuz you're the fucking man. Sir."

Awww, Charles is in love with Churros 😂

Awww, Michelle's character looks so stressed🥺

I love that she got a reliable place to dispose of the body from an aunt's grandma😂

She really has a priority straight with saying that Bruce can't go dispose of the body because he has a very important test if you want Bruce is just like I am in no way in any shape or form in a condition to take this test 😂

Michelle's character: "Baby, get in condition."

The way the two are talking about Bruce being soft right in front of him😂

Bruce eating a Churro watching his mom and brother arguing in another language like it's a soap opera 😂 the way he only catches some of what they're saying 😭😂

Charles thinks he's in control but his Mama's like: nah, I'm the mother I'm the one in charge 😂

Charles can't win, he's being forced to get rid of a body AND drop off his brother at school 😂

"I could protect the family. As a doctor. You guys must need bulk orders of antibiotics or, or painkillers?" 😂

Charles is so done, especially with how Bruce was like, 'I'm a rebel.'

Bruce works for Lyft, not FedEx 😂

Oh god, Bruce is such a mood 😂

"hi, my mom sent me" mood

I thought Bruce got a dog for a sec😂

Damn the body's get eaten by the animals?👀

I do not trust this guy, especially because he just called someone to tell them about Charles

Bruce is literally me with how he's taking pics with the lizard 😂

Oh no, that can't be good, I doubt those are real police

Michelle's character walking through the mahjong place and kitchen reminds me of her scenes in Crazy Rich Asians

I'm guessing with how it's showing her making those hand motions repeatedly that it's some sort of code?

Bruce trying to bond with the brother he never knew 🥺

Annnnnd failing😂

Bruce: "why don't you just take a picture, instead of carrying around a whole head?"

Charles, speaking as if this is the most normal thing ever: "Because then I'd have some dead guy's head on my phone .

You know, good for the kid that her dad's got her a real dinosaur 😂

Fun, people in dinosaur suits😁

Wait

The dino people have blades!👀

Rip to the security who got killed by dino people

I love that Charles is scaring everyone with the head😂

Oh no, they can't hear what Bruce is saying!

This is your moment, my guy, let your improv shine!

Oh

Yeah, he's bad at it😂

BEHIND YOU! THERE ARE DINOSAURS!

Ouch, that's got to hurt his hand😂 (why is it something I would do?😂)

Ouch, RIP Spider dude, that had to hurt

The way that Bruce was already running away before Charles even spoke is such a mood and sibling thing to do😂

Charles watching his brother being chased by a dinosaur is so funny 😂 he's so done

Good thing all of those kids have headphones on😂

You know, the dino people screaming in anguish isn't very scary, and I love the writers who came up with it😂

Oooh, Charles is gonna be in so much trouble when the mom realizes he brought Bruce with him😂

Bruce owns Charles now, cause the mom will be so pissed 😂(the way he's 'saying someone's in trouble and it's you' is such a sibling thing to do)😂

Bruce: "let me tell you that shame that mom made you feel on that phone ain't nothing compared to what you'll do to you when she finds out that you forced her little baby to come with you. She will absolutely break you with passive aggressiveness."

Charles, shrugging: "Go ahead I don't care."

Bruce, staring dagger as he answers the phone

Charles: spins off road effectively scaring his brother into not tattling on him

Oh, Bruce's friend is literally the definition of a tattle tale (turns out the police are real)

Oh no, I feel like the girl, Grace is secretly an assassin, (I think she was from that Disney show bizaardvark)

Oh no, the lizard tried to eat Giant guy's head👀 it it's all good

Love that Charles said that the Churro guy is a genius 😂

Oh Charles, don't you know you have to check your outfit for blood before going on a college campus?

Wait the detective lady knows Charles?!

His eyes went all soft when he looked at the detective lady Alexis 🥺

I feel like Bruce let the lizard lose😂

Bruce is so me as the younger sibling, I too would tattle on my siblings to my mom, especially if they hit me😂

Their mom:"We don't hit family." *Proceeds to slap Charles*

Oooooooooooo, the hand signals were her saying big the shoes were

The way she got all sorts of information from people👀

Aw, man, Bruce's friend got kidnapped 👀

Charles totally loved Alexis

Awww, Bruce is going to his mama cause he's still upset 🥺

The dresser with the mirror looks exactly like one my grandparents have their room👀

That's got to be hard, knowing your parents in a way sacrificed one brother to become an assassin in order to spare the other the same fate

I love that she has a clapper 😂

Awwww Charles did steal his Mama's car to take his lil brother for his favorite treat🥺🥺🥺

I do not trust Grace one bit, it's like she knows exactly what he likes and what to say

Oh my god, there's just a goth girl watching him from the window 👀

Oh fuck indeed.

#TheSevenWondersOfAWitch watches #the brothers sun #netflix the brothers sun #charles sun #bruce sun #mama sun #thesevenwondersofawitch #michelle yeoh #netflix series #netflix #the Brothers Sun spoilers

[attorney-anon]

Warning: Death, Guns, Alcohol, and Suicide Discussed Herein

Also adding a cut, just to be sure no one sees this that doesn't want to.

I posted yesterday about an OP's potential death. I got confirmation & the full story yesterday evening, and have been processing. We don't talk about it much, but compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma are real things that attorneys - especially, imo, family attorneys - deal with. And in the wake of something like this, it's important to take time to process what's happened. It's important to care for yourself, and your needs, even if it means putting other clients on a bit of a hold. In a lot of ways, family law is like an airplane - you put your own oxygen mask on first.

OP was an alcoholic; it was the whole reason we were in court in the first place. He'd had several slips, which resulted in him being on repeated breathalyzer testing before & during his visits with his kid. This came about after several temporary orders hearings about his alcoholism. At the last one, he actually indicated, in sworn testimony, that he believed himself immune to hangovers, so there was no way he could be an alcoholic.

So... yeah. He'd had several slips, but had sworn up and down that he was recovering. The week before Labor Day, he missed a scheduled test, didn't even try to pick up his kiddo (which he wasn't entitled to do anyway due to the missed test). Shortly before the weekend, we discovered that his alcohol monitoring account was deactivated. We knew at that point that he was on a bender, and we figured we'd bring it up to the Court when he came back around.

Instead, over the long weekend, still reportedly on a bender, he ended his life with a shotgun.

I didn't like this man, or his attorney, for that matter. OP was an awful person by all accounts, and his behavior put his - very young - child at risk consistently, to the point where other adults in the kiddo's life expressed concern about what would happen if he had custody of kiddo without his wife present (his wife isn't pleasant, either, but she's at least sober most of the time). OC is a grade-A sleazeball, who never did anything properly by the rules, but relied on his reputation with the judge to get away with it (which, unfortunately, often worked).

I have extremely mixed feelings. On the one hand, I feel relief for my client and the kiddo that the custody battle is over. And that's awful and shitty of me to say, and I understand that rationally, but there it is. He didn't deserve unsupervised custody of his kid, and now he won't have it.

But at the same time, I feel so heartbroken for the kid, and for his wife and other children - this is an awful thing to go through, and no one deserves it. And, already, I can see the beginnings of the losses that are going to continue to occur. Kiddo's not going to be able to see his half-siblings, because OP's widow and our client hate each other with a passion, and this death has definitely not changed it.

I'm pissed at the judge, even though I know it's not fair. We asked for him to be ordered to AA, or IOP treatment, or some kind of substance abuse program. We asked for this repeatedly, but the judge insisted that it wasn't that bad. And, clearly, it was that bad. And if he'd been ordered to treatment, maybe he wouldn't have gone on this bender. Maybe he'd still be alive.

And, perhaps worse, I feel personally guilty. This was really the first time that OP was held accountable for his drinking, every time, without fail. And it wouldn't surprise me if it took a toll on him to know that he couldn't lie his way out of it this time. And I had a hand in that, and in fact I told my client multiple times that the reason for the monitoring was to hand him a proverbial rope so that he could "hang himself" for the judge. I knew it'd be stressful, and that he'd fail and that he'd have to face his failures head-on. I never expected it to end like this, of course, but I know I had a hand in pushing him to the ledge.

And of course, rationally speaking, this is no one's fault. But I keep finding myself going down the rabbit hole of being sad and angry and relieved, and it's actually hard to focus on other things for very long. So, today, I'm focusing on relaxing, and processing, and doing what I can to help myself move forward. I slept in a bit, and went to the office a little later than normal. Because I couldn't focus there, I came home at lunch to work from home so I could work in my pajamas, and I'm making my favorite meal for dinner tonight so I can eat it while I re-watch one of the crime procedurals I like. I e-mailed clients to reschedule appointments while my cat slept next to me on the couch (don't work in your bed, y'all).

And, for young attorneys and law students: You have to do this, too, when things like this happen. It's normal to care about your clients and their families, and it's okay to need to process the traumas you inherit from them. When you don't take time to process trauma - even other people's trauma - then you'll wind up burnt out.

#tw death #tw suicide #lawblr #real lawblr #law practice #law #law firm #family law #attorney #lawyer #tw gun violence #tw alcohol #tw alcoholism #tw alcohol addiction #self care for attorneys #vicarious trauma #compassion fatigue #professional burnout

[lalawrites17]

LETTING IT ALL OUT

My name is Andrea. Kate D. Untalan and I used to struggle with anxiety and attempt self-harm. Anxiety is an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and uneasiness that may occur as a reaction to stress. On the other hand, self-harm is when a person hurts themselves on purpose. My experience all started when I was in ninth grade during the third quarter. I failed one of my subjects and got a 75. My Lola and Tita were both surprised that I had such a low grade, and I'm grateful that they understood and tried to console me. I was also hoping for a similar reaction from my parents. But when I called my mom and dad and told them that I had a 75, they were so angry that they started to yell at me and said some hurtful words. After that call, I've been crying nonstop and I felt like I was the stupidest person in the world. After an hour, my Tita spoke to me and said that she called my teacher about my grade, and the teacher said that I had two modules that I didn't pass, which was the reason for having a low mark, and that she would give me a chance to raise my grade. Days passed, and I got my card again, and the subject in which I failed was raised to 80 above. I was happy, and my Tita told the news to my parents. Soon after, my parents called me and apologized for their actions, and I forgave them. But my attitude toward my parents changed a little; I started to be distant from them, and I have also changed. Everyone thinks I'm okay and that I forgot all about it, but it is still present in my mind and heart, and it hurts so bad. I kept smiling to hide my sadness, but it hurt more when I smiled than when I cried. Every day I keep remembering the words that my parents said to me, and it makes me unhappy every time I remember them. I feel like I'm worthless and stupid. I cry every night, asking myself "Why are you stupid" and "Why are you not good enough". I always worry about my academics; even though my grades are high, I still keep worrying. I'm also having difficulty sleeping because my mind is filled with negative thoughts. I endured this emotion every day. Until one day me and my cousin fought, and she told me that I was worthless, stupid, and many other things, and it triggered me. After I was alone in the room, I kept crying because I kept thinking, all that she said was true. My mind went blank, and all I could think about was "I should kill myself" repeatedly. So I locked the door, picked up a thin blanket, and choked myself. While I'm Choking myself, my vision got blurry, I lost some strength, and my attempt was unsuccessful. I just cried in the room and then slept. Ever since that day, my mind has been full of negativity. But I stopped thinking about suicide because I am afraid to commit the biggest sin, and I was also thinking about all the people that I would leave behind.

The anxiety and pain lasted for years, until one day my mom noticed that I cried in my sleep. She knew that there was something wrong with me. At night, when we were lying in bed and about to go to sleep, a tear escaped from my eyes. She saw the tear, so she asked me, "Are you okay? What's the problem?" At that moment, I had reached my limit; my heart and soul couldn't take it anymore. I had kept this pain inside of me for so long that I needed it to let out, and there I was crying like a baby in front of her. That was the turning point of my life, I opened up to my mom and told her everything. Slowly, I started to heal and accept myself. To be honest I am still healing to this day. My anxiety is not as severe as before, but it is still with me. I am now able to cope with these negative thoughts by having a positive mindset and not letting them take over me.

The advice that I can give to those students who are suffering from anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts is: don't be afraid to ask for help and to reach out to a person or someone that you trust and tell them what is troubling you and how you are feeling. Remember that you are loved, you are needed, you are appreciated, and you are never alone. Keep that in mind.

-Untalan, Andrea Kate