#abuser in brasil with her kids and wind up homeless of her own volition. she had a new life made.

[actually-eldritch]

It's all me it's aaaaalll me it's all people all the way down you know my best influence my strongest influence comes when I don't mind not receiving credit and my second strongest influence comes when I'm not afraid but the problem is that I'm always terrified and most of all, I'm starving.

#And it's by design #And I'm always thinking about how if I could just get my bloody foot in the door I could get better #I could get so much better #but I'm not gonna get my foot in the door #there is no fucking door to try propping open with my foot so I can reach the whole #everything I've come across resembling The Door I Need has been manned by someone that already decided to help someonelse #Someone who didn't even work out #I try not to think about the fact that my mother spent years and thousands of dollars on helping her niece only for her to return to her #abuser in brasil with her kids and wind up homeless of her own volition. she had a new life made. #my mum helped Her instead of setting me up for life and it was literally all for naught #those kids are no doubt developing DID because they are almost the exact same position I was #meanwhile I had to run away from home and run away three more times and barely scrape by and barely scrape by and barely scrape by #like I'm so glad the little girl got to have a princess bedroom for??? idk how long it was #like a year????? only for it to be taken from her anyway??? #I just wish I'd received the diligence she gave those kids #she put more effort in to their bedrooms than she did me when I was young lmfao #and for what. and for what. and for what. and for what. #Showing them how to make stuff too #Is it because they spoke portugese? is it because I wasn't brasilian enough for you? isn't that literally your fault though? #You were the only brasilian in my life and you were my godamned mother how could it not be your fault that I wasn't brasilian enough how #could you shun me for that lmfao