#I could get so much better

[actually-eldritch]

It's all me it's aaaaalll me it's all people all the way down you know my best influence my strongest influence comes when I don't mind not receiving credit and my second strongest influence comes when I'm not afraid but the problem is that I'm always terrified and most of all, I'm starving.

#And it's by design #And I'm always thinking about how if I could just get my bloody foot in the door I could get better #I could get so much better #but I'm not gonna get my foot in the door #there is no fucking door to try propping open with my foot so I can reach the whole #everything I've come across resembling The Door I Need has been manned by someone that already decided to help someonelse #Someone who didn't even work out #I try not to think about the fact that my mother spent years and thousands of dollars on helping her niece only for her to return to her #abuser in brasil with her kids and wind up homeless of her own volition. she had a new life made. #my mum helped Her instead of setting me up for life and it was literally all for naught #those kids are no doubt developing DID because they are almost the exact same position I was #meanwhile I had to run away from home and run away three more times and barely scrape by and barely scrape by and barely scrape by #like I'm so glad the little girl got to have a princess bedroom for??? idk how long it was #like a year????? only for it to be taken from her anyway??? #I just wish I'd received the diligence she gave those kids #she put more effort in to their bedrooms than she did me when I was young lmfao #and for what. and for what. and for what. and for what. #Showing them how to make stuff too #Is it because they spoke portugese? is it because I wasn't brasilian enough for you? isn't that literally your fault though? #You were the only brasilian in my life and you were my godamned mother how could it not be your fault that I wasn't brasilian enough how #could you shun me for that lmfao

[zosanbrainrot]

zosantober day 12 - spicy

mandatory supplies stop

#this was my first thought #then I thought maybe I should just draw them making out #but Im posting these on ig as well and uhh idk #tumblr makes it so much easier to get through to fandom people ig is just shouting into the void but also irl people are there #ANYWAY #compo could be better but I think I made it work #also why did inktober spell it spicey with an E inside #is there sth I dont know I tried googling but it just says its an alt spelling #never seen that before #zosantober #one piece #sanji #zoro #zosan #inktober #inktober 2023 #my art #one piece fanart

[wattemeer]

“But someday you'll find somebody and love him and love him and never let him go.”

#my art #haikyuu!! #kagehina #hinata shouyou #kageyama tobio #been a while ;_; #I'm in the process of moving atm #I hope once I've settled in completely and everything is done I will feel more motivated to draw again #I miss drawing #I hate this feeling like I'm wasting so much time that I could use to get better 😞 #anyway 😍 I will not give up

[inkskinned]

you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

#writeblr #warm up #my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky #i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles #yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help #for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT #and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen #than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say #''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help #i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.'' #bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't #actually offer fair support to everyone #we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less. #and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help #bc i DID have it better than other people #and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help. #we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn #instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself

[otaku553]

Screenshot redraw of sabo from the new opening :) original and more thoughts below:

I see a lot of redraws of this going around! It’s a rather difficult perspective to wrap one’s head around tho tbh especially since I don’t get much perspective practice lmao

I will forever live in sadness knowing that I tried so hard on the background only for my favorite tower to be almost completely covered up in the final result,,,,,

Like look at that tower on the second to left,,,,,

Anyways I do feel as if I’ve unintentionally made him pointier than I usually draw him but it was a good practice on both the perspective and some quick rendering :) I’m pretty happy with this piece

#one piece #sabo #revolutionary sabo #the opening is so good. #I have rewatched it so many times it just sparks so much joy. it’s so perfect #I really thought it couldn’t get any better after the peak but! but!!!!!! the colors! the animations! everything about this one #is just sooooo charming #legit could not stop grinning the first few times I watched it

[t4t4t]

Idk new post bc the last lost traction, no donations in a week. We need 450 for the rest of February, 450 for a deposit, and 950 for March, 50 for the rest of the utilities. We were homeless since Aug 2020 excepting 4 different months whose places fell through for various reasons, have to get rid of the van we were living in because it's falling apart, Collie got FFS December 28th, she's recovering well and maybe could do something with a car if we had a better car, given her ability to drive. I still haven't found much work but I'm still looking. Anything helps.

paypal.me/NoraEstherRose

venmo: nora-esther-rose

venmo: Leah-Esther-Rose

#i wish i could get a loan ? i hate how little my parents have ever helped me. we rely too much on collies mom who can only do so much #we both have various disabilities we still are in the process of understanding.... i hope i get adhd meds soon. :( #we havent been able to afford better anti depressants for over a week now. i hate feeling dependent #i wish it were a prescription.... stupid world. stupid time

[nosnexus]

Come to the foot of the bed, raise up the axe and split my skull. When I am dead, eat of my flesh and you will be strong enough to wander the woods on your own and return home.

#dimension 20 #d20 #neverafter #neverafter spoilers #ylfa snorgelsson #d20 big bad wolf #my art #I could draw so much of them #this season is forcing me to get better at drawing animals..

[originalartblog]

Now this is what I call a fight!

Based on @whathorselegs' wish/headcanon post, about Atsushi and Chuuya fighting and Atsushi's claws cutting through Chuuya's gravity manipulation. The visual of it gripped me by the throat.

#(chanting like a mantra) #to get better you need to step out of your comfort zone to get better you need to step out of your comfort zone to get better you need to s #not like i wanted it to be but close enough for out of my depth i felt drawing this #it came out MUCH better than i ever hoped it could so there's that!!! i actually like it #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd fanart #bsd chuuya #bsd nakahara chuuya #bsd atsushi #bsd nakajima atsushi #nawy's art #blood #cw blood

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

I want you whipped into shape!

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #better drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #yu ziyuan #wang lingjiao #wen zhuliu #'When I say jump - say “how high'”? You know you're doing it right when you start to cry!“ #Of course I can't resist the Legally blonde reference. This is the Elle Woods is canon in PD-MDZS blog #I love this scene so much. There are a lot of things to say about it and I would go over the limit if I indulged. #Suffice it to say the main takeaway *here* is that I think YZY is milfboss of the millennia. #I intended for this to be posted on international women's day but my ambition led me to keep trying to make it better. #And by better I mean I spent several days (re)drawing this one and that is **not** what poorly-drawn-mdzs is supposed to be about. #I will be making the next few comics worse to compensate <3 At the very least I will honour my time and tag it as 'better drawn' #('my time' spent hunched over my desk while I chant 'this concept is *not* above my skill level!' over and over again) #Funny story about PD!Wen Zhuliu; he was supposed to show up sooner but I kept accidently cutting the comics he would have been in. #So I like to think he just went on a long coffee run. 'Go get me an (insert coffee chain) pink drink' said Wen Chao. #'He never said from which location' said Wen Zhuliu as he proceeded to walk 100km to the farthest cafe he could find.

[athenagranted]

the way i would pay for oliver to write meta about buck's character

#like. he Gets it. i've been thinking about buck in this ep for five days straight and he said it better in one sentence than any paragraph #i could ever come up with #people are arguing over whether buck #acted the way he did bc he wanted tommy's attention or eddie's attention or bc he was feeling left out or whatever but i don't think it's #any one thing i think it was just a general feeling of Wrongness when tommy showed up borne from thirty years of repressing his sexuality #and he tried to rationalize it as jealousy or whatever and worked through the fact that his behavior was completely unreasonable but #it wasn't until tommy kissed him that all of the rage that was trapped inside him was allowed to escape bc he finally had a name for it #he's been turning over parts of himself for years trying to find that final piece and getting more and more upset when it eludes him #n this kiss was the kind of cathartic relief that he so desperately needed bc it allowed him to understand what's been missing #anyway. oliver stark i love you so much i'm so grateful you play buck #buck #rae.txt #911

[wis-art]

Not a big fan of capitalism

#i do not want to charge people to see my art #i have a job on top of doing this little art blog #every time i show this little project of mine people tell me i better find a way to monetize it to make money off of this #its just very frustrating to constantly have to explain that i want people to just see and cherish my drawings #i dont want to be reliant on making art to make my money i think that'd not work with what im going for #and it would turn art into a deeply frustrating experience i try to constantly optimize to get the most amount of money from #rendering experiments and trying out new artstyles something that could legit put me out of eating food 👍 #but really #the job is not good for me i am always do exhausted #it really takes so much effort to draw sometimes

[aroaceleovaldez]

Nico and Percy's dynamic through the series is eternally funny to me, because it's just. like.

Percy's having a constant mental struggle between his fatal flaw of loyalty with a promise he made to Bianca to protect Nico, versus his Big 3 kid desire to maim other Big 3 kids / Poseidon descendant urge to totally maim Nico specifically. He hates Nico so so much. He thinks Nico's annoying and weird at best, and creepy/sketchy when he's older. The only positive thoughts Percy has towards Nico are "He's Bianca's brother and Bianca was my friend and I owe her/He's Hazel's brother and Hazel is my friend and would kill me if I was mean to him," "He's a powerful asset and useful ally (if questionable)," and "He's kinda pathetic and I feel maybe a little bad about it." Percy has multiple occasions throughout the series where he strongly considers - and on one occasionally actually goes through with - throttling Nico.

Meanwhile, Nico is following around Percy like a lost puppy. He explicitly can never bring himself to even dislike anything about Percy no matter how hard he tries. He has a whole bit in BoO where he's mentally going "UGH he's so stupid BUT IT'S ENDEARING HOW DARE HE." He's totally smitten. He's making deals with his dad for Percy. He's making convoluted plans to help Percy stand a chance against Kronos. During the entirety of BoTL it's like he's playing tsundere - "I'm helping NOT PERCY SPECIFICALLY with this quest! Me helping Percy would be SILLY because I DEFINITELY HATE HIM." Then he proceeds to show up to Percy's birthday party to basically ask him on a weird date and spend the entire next book scrambling around trying to help him or protect him or impress him. And Percy could not give less of a shit.

Just. That dynamic is so funny to me. Percy is the founder of the Nico Protection Club in that he's the one they're all protecting Nico from and meanwhile Nico is throwing himself at Percy to the point where the literal god of gay love calls him out on it.

#pjo #percy jackson #nico di angelo #Percy shows up at CJ and squints at Nico like ''hm. why do i feel like i hate you? like i just wanna punch you in the face?'' #and Nico just immediately goes ''huh no idea anyways i have to go-'' and jumps into Tartarus #but not before he gives Hazel essentially a detailed explanation of ''this is Percy i cant say much but please dont let him die <3'' #and Nico's whole Tartarus trip was basically a whole ''im doing this so no one else has to'' #only for Percy and Annabeth to fall in like one book later and Nico proceeds to spend the next book internally screaming about it #and then Cupid calls him out on it and the next book #Nico's just like ''at this point im hoping i keel over within the next week just so i can force this dumb crush to chill the fuck out'' #Nico staring pointedly at Will: ''For my own sake i need to form another crush RIGHT NOW so i can finally get over Percy.'' #''this has been so bad for my health'' #Nico's crush on Percy is just too funny to me. horrible pick my guy. terrible job. love that for you. he could not be less interested. #Percy LITERALLY TRIES TO KILL NICO and ditch him in the underworld and Nico is somehow STILL like ''but i love him'' #Percy basically chokes him. beats up his dad. tells him ''go get smited by your dad for me.'' and ditches him. #and Nico's opinions/crush on him DO NOT CHANGE #though also Nico's reaction to Percy beating up his dad + skeletons is SO funny. his jaw is on the floor. he's flustered about it. #he just witnessed Percy be incredibly hot and proceeded to go ''yea i'll do anything for this man. collect reinforcements of 3 gods? sure'' #nico you absolute DISASTER with HORRIBLE TASTE. you can do better. raise your standards. #which tbh is funnier when you factor in sun and the star. Nico just wont stop crushing on guys who dislike him and everything he stands for

[sesamenom]

Gil-galad Variations, featuring all the gil galad theories i've encountered.

#silm #silmarillion #gil galad #gil galad son of plothole #<- best tag lol #personally i like the maglor theory #son of lalwen is probably my second favorite? #also that would make him the 16th known finwean grandkid #the aegnor/andreth peredhel variant is interesting #also i feel like when everyone meets him in valinor/the halls finrod would just look at aegnor like :/ #finrod: 'if you were just going to ignroe my whole speech you could have at least told me so i could get birthday gifts for the kid!' #the russingon one looks very much like nerdanel lol #both the maedhros ones' hair is *just* dark enough to not cause a diplomatic incident #the elured/elurin one is really funny #like. hes 0% noldor not even related to finwe at all. like. theyre descended from different cuvienen families. they literally are 0% relate #he was raised by cirdan who is also 0% noldor #but he is somehow a better king of the noldor than like 90% of the previous ones #even funnier if hes Just A Guy #did they accidentally switch the real finwean baby? did they just grab a random kid and go 'oh well close enough'? who knows? #i think princess-faelivrin has a FAQ about the leading version of fin-galad (gil galad being finduilas)

[fuckingguide]

we don’t talk enough about how great a job parisa fakhri is doing playing marwa, especially considering the restraints of the role. the way her mannerisms and tone of voice get more and more “cutesy” as the episodes go by and her true personality is altered by the djinn’s magic is honestly horror movie material, and she does it really subtly and gradually. i didn’t even notice at first but if you compare her speech in 4x02 to when she asks nandor about the flowers or her parents in 4x06, the change is noticeable, her voice is much more high-pitched. even in the wedding itself, her voice only lowers in register when she mentions she has had doubts about the wedding - the only moment where her real thoughts are coming through. as soon as she starts talking about how a feeling came over her and now she wants what nandor wants, her voice gets higher again. i may be wrong but i get the feeling that’s an acting choice on her part, and it really adds a new layer of depth to her moments on the show

#what we do in the shadows #wwdits #wwdits spoilers #marwa #rewatching the lamp episode it really stands out how much her personality and voice have changed #it could just be that she was more reserved at first because she wasn't as comfortable with her surroundings but..... i'm not sure that's i #frankly her arc so far has been a horror story so i'm really excited for the moment she gets her life back and she can go be an astronomer #or whatever else she wants to do #she deserves so much better #and i want to see more of her true self!! #post.txt #meta.txt

[inkskinned]

oh you know it's all latestage capitalism but the thing is. how are you supposed to be a person inside of this. a person trying to be a better version of yourself.

oh, you started working young, which was kind of hard, but it's just the way stuff works sometimes. and it was 2008 and your family couldn't afford heat. but it's fine, you grow a spine and get used to the professional world and besides it was the suburbs we're talking about here, like, your life could have been actually hard, so what if your father lost his job and you can't afford to move or turn the lights back on. and once you start making money, it's good. you keep doing that. because now they're relying on you. so you have to do that.

oh you were in thousands of dollars of debt at 17 years old so that you could go to school, because you have to go to school if you want to get a "real" job. you even did it "right", you worked parttime and attended community college before you transferred to a public school. you were under so many merit scholarships.

which is fine. you pick yourself up and you say like, okay. i graduated college. i'm holding down a job. i'm doing the Adult Thing, which looks and acts like this, according to all the books i've read. you start with the shitty job and then you climb that corporate ladder.

but the shitty job doesn't cover rent and you stretch yourself too-thin so you get sick. good luck with that. the shitty job no longer pays for your meals. everyone asks why you don't just move, but there's nowhere to move to. and with what money are you going to be moving? and then the loans come back, because they were never going to forgive them, because you were 17 and trying to do the right thing, which was stupid. people are now saying you shouldn't have even gone to school.

which is fine. but because you have no other option, so you do the shitty job, and you apply every day for like 5 new ones, and despite the fact everyone says "there's no one who wants to work!" it's actually just that nobody is fucking hiring so you can either work for 13 dollars an hour in the shitty place you know (where at least you have a passingly friendly relationship with the manager) or you can start from scratch again with a different 13 dollars an hour without knowing how much abuse from the new job you'll be taking.

and if you quit you lose your insurance. if you quit you lose your housing. if you quit, you'll be another burnout kid. the lazy ones. these assholes, look at them!

and you come home to a family dinner and you hear from your father the same old thing. how he worked hard at his job and yes it sucked for a while but he was able to provide for the family and then the house and the dog and the rest of barbie's dream vacation. how the insurance did cover some of it. how you just really need to start speaking up more in manager conversations so they know you're a go-getter. you want to tell him - did you know we're actually doing more now hourly than any previous generation? - but you can't remember where you heard that statistic, and you're far too tired for the fucking argument. and then he starts in on his usual bit. where's the house? where's your kids? where's your ambition.

the same job the same money the same hours doesn't do it anymore. the same nose-to-the-grindstone now just shreds your face off. there's no such thing as upwards mobility, not really. and as far as you're aware, the money certainly is not trickling. you do the soulless stupid shit you signed up for because you fucking have to or else you literally risk your life (food, the apartment, the insurance), but it's not getting you anything. you download the stupid "save more" app and you budget and you do every right thing and then the price of eggs is 7 dollars and you say - oh great! another thing i have to fucking worry about now!

and you go to your stupid job and everyone in your father's generation just tells you to be better about being an adult. they have their homes and their savings account and their bailout and they say. well have you tried not drinking starbucks. well your generation just spends too much on clothing. well you might just be too addicted to travelling. and you - because you need the job - you bite your tongue and don't say i am being held prisoner and you're suggesting i stop pacing my cell if i don't like the scenery and you don't say what the fuck do you think i've been doing with my money and you don't say i haven't spent a cent on something nice in literally forever much less coffee you arrogant asshole. you open and close your bank app and check your loans and check your credit score and check fucking zillow and ziprecruiter and apartments.com just one time more. and still they give you that demeaning little grin and say - see, what you need is -

what you need is for your meds to stop being so fucking expensive. what you need is for the housing bubble to explode into dust. what you need is for billionaires to choke on their wealth. what you need is actual help. what you will get is more economic advice from people who are older-and-wiser.

and above you, almost in a glimmer, you can see the wedged smile of your debt getting toothier, wider.

#i hate when people try to tell me i didn't do it right #what should i have done better #i did it ALL the right way #(not that there is a right way) #it's just that others feel comfortable believing that THEY did it the right way and that's how they made money #whereas i must have just committed a sin somewhere in there! i MUST be doing it wrong!!! #and i'm not a victim!!! im simply experiencing consequences! #and im like. where . where. wherewherewherewhere #i graduated top of my class. i was almost the student speaker. #i have always excelled at work and i work hard #i have been working since i was 13 #WHERE !!!!! IS MY FUCKING !!!! MONEY!!!!!! #ps please do not make the assumption i am ablebodied or neurotypical. #i am neither of these things. #it DOES get worse if u are either of those things. so fuckin much #but @ the one anon who was like ''u could be X that would be worse u don't know how lucky u are'' #.... don't i? #do i need to be luckier than someone else #or is it possible we are BOTH victims? #and that we need to work TOGETHER to resolve it #not just wave it off since it COULD be harder for someone else... it can be true we BOTH deserve better

[quietbirdee]

being haunted by a person you’ve never met and never will, someone you’ll never actually be

but you’ve got people who love you, maybe it’s gonna be okay

#the owl house #toh #hunter toh #toh hunter #flapjack toh #caleb wittebane #sylphee art #when you get made in someone's image in order to be a better version of them #but you could never actually live up to however they were #the standards are impossible and you don't know the rules #and you don't even know if you count as a person anymore #but you've got those who love you and that's gotta count for something #anyway!!!!!!!!!! i'm incredibly emotional about hunter and flapjack!!!!!!!!!!! #flapjack loves hunter so much #and he had another person before but that doesn't mean he loves hunter less!!! #i am in shambles about them ;u; #toh spoilers #technically...