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#ackowledge both the origins and the destination
gibbearish
·
3 years
Text
actually i think a big part of the issue im having figuring myself out is just. fear of how others will react
#yesterday Travis called me his prince and it wasn't that that surprised me so much as just. the willingness to directly address it
#honestly i kinda figured i would go ''I'm not a girl'' and he would run or ignore it and i don't really know how to handle him being kimm
#kind* and understanding
#he keeps asking me questions about what he should call me and the part of me that grew up with people pretending to like me just to
#make fun of me keeps whispering that its all part of the joke and one of these days hes going to decide ive changed too much and then
#ill be the punchline
#and then theres the issues in the other direction
#if i try to embrace the butch title while being the complicated pile i am then how many people will come after me for not being enough
#which i know is stupid especially given i literally just read an entire book about that but theres also the thing of like.
#jess still had a connection to womanhood and attraction to primarily (solely? im not good at text interpretation) women
#which makes it a lot easier to accept youre allowed to use those words
#but what if youre never ever a woman and have never even dated one? wheres the connection?
#and i can already hear people saying 'there isnt one therefore you cant use them' but then how do they explain the feelings i have about th
#m
#surely an outside observer with no connection wouldnt feel like theyre being strangled trying to think about it?
#i dunno its complicated
#maybe thats why heshe kept sticking out to me. its not neutral in the same way they them is but a blended mix forcing people to
#ackowledge both the origins and the destination
#maybe that's the connection? my past and my body influencing my current view of myself
#whats the difference between not a woman and no longer a woman
#ive thought abt it before but never very hard but maybe the answer can just be both yknow
#when ppl say bigender i think their brain automatically pictures half man half woman but like
#im thinking maybe for me itd be. half man half butch. no woman but half butch
#or not halves
#fully both at once maybe
#a venn diagram but the middle part is empty but the emptiness is part of it too
#PLUS theres also like. what would i call myself
#he him lesbian? not a lesbian‚ attracted to more than women
#he him woman? not a woman
#i want butch to be the whole sentence but it doesnt feel like it can be
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