#acts all plaintive and innocent while pushing the exact buttons that make me shut down and go cold. and i end up looking

[love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward]

local minima rn lads.

#i cannot like put in words exactly what it is about my mom that does it for me #like to an outsider it would sound like a normal slightly rude interaction. and i couldnt tell you which part makes me feel bad #or why i feel like that. i just. my mind treats her differently than everyone else. i dont clock anyone's position in a room like i do hers #i am always so Aware. and. ive been grey rocking her now. its the only possible card up my sleeve tbh. no plan b. #she just... #acts all plaintive and innocent while pushing the exact buttons that make me shut down and go cold. and i end up looking #so heartless and cruel in front of someone who does everything for me and receives only hate back. when its just. #not true.. #i am so fucking tired of feeling like. like someone scooped a part of my chest out. with like an ice cream scoop every time this #happens #like so tired and HOLLOW #and its not the sort of thing i can explain to someone? its not like someone just called me a slur or cheated on me or whatever #nobody will GET it. like yes you just had a conversation where you were rather rude why is this causing a depressive episode #and just. by nobody i mean everyone who i know who also knows her and also most people who dont know her wont get it #yall got no idea #how much i wanna run away. im fucking desperate okay #i will literally do anything #i need a nap every time i talk to her which sucks because ive got nobody else to talk to. #so there's a lot of sleeping going on here #so much sleeping #just a couple months dante. just. ive done years and years of this. i can do a couple months more. #go to college and then its sayonara you weeaboo shits for everyone here #honestly i was scared of leaving everything i know behind before #but i think im realising i dont really have anything worth keeping here. #i was all like ohh i wont have any family or anyone to fall back on when im in trouble #and then i realised i dont have that anyway. I'd rather figure my problems out on my own than deal with toxic people on top #which is a pretty fucking good realisation peopleos #anyway. hyping myself up to keep from having a breakdown now #godspeed ME