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artemiseamoon · 3 years

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I love you as you are

Frankie x Plus size (black/woc) reader

AN: Another self indulgent one. Like reader, I hate summer, it just naturally sets me into depression with the heat and having to wear less. I’m finally no longer beating myself up for not having my old body (It was very different 5 years ago) but with summer coming, I’m def feeling discomfort and feeling old anxieties / image issues coming back. Anyway, I feel like Frankie would be the most comforting and understanding boyfriend while a clothing melt down happened 💜💜💜

Warnings: anxiety, seasonal depression, body image discomfort , insecurity

Words: 713 | Credit to GIF creator

More Frankie

Everyone loved summer. People counted down for it, bragged about it, just hyped it up every year. But not you.

Summer has a way of reflecting all your deepest insecurities back at you. Summer had a way of ruining the confidence you built the rest of the year, leaving you wanting to hide when summer came.

The heat, the smaller more revealing clothes. You didn’t have the media fueled skinny-obsessed “summer body” and honestly wearing tiny bits of clothing didn’t even make you comfortable. But summer was too hot to wear your favorites, and this led to occasional breakdowns as you got dressed over the summer months.

This, right now, was one of the breakdowns. The AC is on but trying on many outfits you’ve worked up some heat, heat that makes a volatile mix with the frustration you’re feeling.

Tearing the next outfit off, self- demeaning thoughts loop through your head. Followed by remorse.

I worked so hard on this

I was feeling better

I was feeling confident

Fuck !

Standing before the mirror in your underwear, a set you felt hot as hell in when you got it (not so much now), you feel tears behind your eyes.

Grabbing the throw blanket from the love seat, you toss it over the mirror.

You hear Frankie call out to you from the hall, “Baby you ready?”

Shit.

You think while looking around the room. You almost forgot you had somewhere to go.

You look at the clothes scattered all over the place. Before you can clean it up, Frankie peaks his head in the doorway.

The cute smile on his lips suddenly minimizes he sees the state of the room and covered the mirror. You try to hide these breakdowns from him, but Frankie noticed, he knows what's going on.

You shrug and sit on the bed.

“Nothing fits. I look terrible. I’m not going.” You say in a defeated tone.

“Baby,” Frankie makes his way over to you. Sitting next to you on the bed, your thighs touching, he gazes at you softly and takes your hand into his.

Staring down at his hands, you slouch, unable to knock the awful feeling, “Just, go without me.”

“Look at me.” There’s a gentle assertiveness to his tone. You do, you look at him. And those brown eyes already start to make you feel a tiny bit better.

“I’m sorry today’s rough on you. Trust me, everything looks good on you. You, “ he touched your cheek with his other hand, “could wear anything in here or wear nothing at all and still look sexy as hell.”

You laugh, “yeah sure.”

That smile returns and he nods his head, “you think I’m kidding? Look, “ he kisses your neck, then your shoulder, “I already can’t control myself.”

Frankie moans and kisses your neck, “see what you’re doing to me?”

You smile, shaking your head as that hot angst and self - judgment quickly becomes replaced by arousal.

Frankie slips the left bra strap over your shoulder, kisses the spot, “If you really don’t want to go, we don’t have to go. Then I’d have you all to myself, all night.”

His lips find yours. His kiss feels like magic, like a cure.

You run your fingers through his hair as you gaze at each other. “I actually really do want to go.” You admit.

He winks at you, “I know,” Frankie stands and looks around the room. He picks up the vintage style summer dress you recently purchased, ”wear this. Keep that set underneath.”

You sit back and coo, “oh! So bossy.”

Frankie leans over to kiss you again, “that dress and this bra do things to me. I can’t guarantee we’ll be there for a long time.”

“That’s fine with me.” You grin and slap his ass as he walks past you.

Feeling better, you stand and pull the blanket off the mirror. Frankie lingers in the doorway, he calls you by your pet name. You turn to face him,

“You are my lady, my world, my everything. I love you no matter what a scale or a number says. I love you as you are.”

You quickly make your way to him and cup his face, staring into those beautiful eyes. “I love you Frankie.”

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missdawnandherdusk · 4 years

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MuggleBorn Dating a Disaster Twin Weasley Extensive Headcanons:

A/n: So, who thought that this was a Draco only blog? Well, GUESS WHO WAS WRONG? me. It was me. But I’m a softie for a few other HP characters, of which are the Weasley twins. Thanks for the request @peachesandpinks!!!

Also, this is super long again. I apologize for nothing.

Okay we’re going with George here because he’s a bean so is Fred but ya know.

McGonagall is the one who delivers your letter and explains everything to you and you’re parents and you about have a mental breakdown because “well, of course, I noticed I do some weird stuff but magic are you serious?”

McGonagall is just not having it. Especially when she realizes that this is also the twins' first year as well because good lord more Weasleys??

Anyway, you’re in a train compartment by yourself because you don’t really know anyone and you can’t find your cousin who also attends Hogwarts so you’re just provolone

You’re about asleep when your compartment door slams shut and you jump up, seeing two boys with bright red hair grinning and hiding

“Um hello?”

They both shush you and pull you down with them. You hear yells and a very angry voice walk right past your compartment and the boys snicker

“Oh Percy, when will you realize,” “you can never escape us,” they’re grinning like madmen and you’re just so confused

“Um... guys?” You squeak. “Oh, right,” one says. “Sorry about that,” the other replies. “Fred and George Weasley,” the first hold his hand out for you to shake. You do. Hesitant.

“Who’s who?”

“What do you mean?” The second asks. “Who’s Fred and who’s George?” You clarify slightly annoyed. “Fred, George, respectively.” The first—Fred—grins. “And the prat out there is our brother Percy,” George flashes the same smile.

You study them, trying to pick out the differences between them. You can’t find anything except—Fred has dark brown eyes and George has slightly greener ones.

“Oi. What are you doing?” George asks.

“Trying to tell you two apart?”

That baffles both of them because let’s face it— it might be a joke but even their own mother has a hard time at that

You’re eternally grateful that you’re sorted into Gryffindor with them

You become their new favorite person. Especially after they find out you’re Muggle-born. Fred tries to corrupt you with fake facts and sometimes so does George. Most times you can tell if it’s real or not but on the occasion you can’t, you’ll look to George and his either nod or shake his head

They also bombard you with muggle based questions asking what it’s like and how you do certain things

They’re just goofballs and it’s nice to not be so serious all the time. When you’re studying and fretting over your first Potions exam George comes in and asks if you wanna see something cool and then you meet up with Fred and proceed to prank Filch who had it out for you the moment you were late for class. Not that it’s your fault you don’t know where you’re going and everything looks the same

Whenever you’re falling behind on spells or charms, George is the first to volunteer to help you out because let’s face it he’s brilliant with magic But not so good with facts and memorizing, so you help him out with History of Magic and Herbology

It’s always a game to see if you can still tell them apart. “Geroge,” No I’m Fred,” No you’re George, I just spent the last hour studying with Fred,” “no that was me!” “Ha! The past hour I was working on Potions alone! You are George!” Maybe he sulks a bit because you outsmarted him but part of him wonders did you really know it was him?

Of course, you knew it was George. His eyes crinkle when he smiles and Fred’s don’t

You might not be good at pranks, but you are brilliant for thinking out all the flaws and lying your way out of just about anything which makes the three of you quite scary and unstoppable

When you do get caught, McGonagall lets you all off easy because you three remind her of another group of mischievous Gryffindors

Their mother totally sends you a Christmas sweater

Over the holidays you actually miss your friends. You had more friends than just the twins, but it wasn’t the same without them.

Second-year comes and the twins make the Quidditch team and insist that you learn how to fly on a broom

“Oh come on!” “It’ll be fun!”

“Guys really, I don’t like heights and I’d rather keep my feet on the ground,” you insist.

They grin at each other and George grabs you and kicks off the ground and suddenly you’re very high and terrified. You scream and cling to him and he’s laughing but you’re just so scared and it’s not funny which maybe makes them laugh more because it’s just a silly prank

When you stop talking to them for a few days they realize that “oh Merlin we messed up.” Well, George realizes it first when you’re having trouble in Transfiguration but you refuse his help and take the failing grade

He tries to apologize. A lot. But you never quite seem to be in the right place at the right time.

So he puts his inventing skills to good use and charms a paper into a snitch and it lands on your desk. Begrudgingly you open it.

“I really am sorry. Please don’t be mad. I didn’t know, I won’t prank you ever again. ~George”

You thaw a little and smile at him.

And maybe you do show up at his first quidditch game despite swearing you’re not going

His heart soars when he sees you and Fred has to whack him to make him pay attention.

You keep going to their Quidditch matches... begrudgingly. You’re still a bit sore after their prank on you and you’re not one for Quidditch, to be honest but you go because it makes them George happy and smiles

To be fair it is one of the most stressful things you’ve seen because quidditch is dangerous even more so than muggle sports and you don’t care how many potions or spells are out there it’s not safe they think your rants against quidditch are cute and you just huff and storm away

The point is proven in third year when George gets knocked off his broom by a Slytherin and nearly falls to his death. You scream in terror and are the first on the field next to him

He makes a joke about “falling for you” and you want to hit him with a burning passion but he’s hurt so you refrain. For now.

You fall asleep on his hospital cot because Pomfrey insists on keeping George overnight to make sure the bones reset correctly

You wake up and see the same familiar smile and his hazel eyes crinkle and you’re heart flutters when he’s healed you do hit him and scold him about being reckless. Everyone in the Great Hall laughs because he gets the same lecture from his mother in a Howler

Everyone totally ships you two and Fred has tried many a time to get you two to admit your feelings for each other. He even tried to trick you into thinking he was George but you knew the difference. Of which he will never understand how you just know

With third-year coming means it’s the first year with their little brother Ron and their older brother Percy is a prefect and you can tell that the twins feel a little lost in the middle of it

So you start to plan very elaborate pranks for the twins

You’re their “godfather” of the prank operations with aid of the marauders' map then you have to explain what The Godfather is and finally you have to make them sit down and watch the movies

With a mini projector, you bring from home and charm so that it'll work because good lord you missed watching movies. The entire Gryffindor house gets in on movie nights and other muggle-borns are so hyped for a bit of normalcy

Fred has the ideas but Merlin, George can make them a reality and it just baffles you on how his mind works because he’s absolutely brilliant and it’s not fair

Sometimes George comes to you needing muggle ideas or perspective. Fred finds you two geeking out late at night in the common room and maybe hugging when you two figure out how to make something work. It’s awkward and blushing and Fred is not helping

Fourth-year comes and it’s the first year with their younger sister Ginny and she absolutely enamored with you because you’re like a sister to her

When the Chamber of Secrets opens George flips out and tracks you down because this thing is taking down Muggle-borns. Now you hardly go without having a protection squad of the Weasley twins and you just want a moment alone

Which means you go off on George one night “Just leave me alone! I’m fine! Nothing is going to happen to me!” You shout. “And what if something does happen! Do you think I could live with myself knowing you got hurt or worse!?” He yells back. “And why do you care!? What difference does it make!?” He just stammers and storms away and you stare after him wondering what the hell just happened.

You find yourself in the Astronomy Tower alone. “Merlin Y/n!” You turn and see Fred. “Okay, I know that you’re great at pranks but this is really not funny,” “What do you mean?” You wipe the tears off your face. “George is going mad with worry right now! He thinks that you’re dead!” “Why would he care?” You mumble. “Oh, you two are impossible!” Fred exclaims and walks off.

You hear someone else come up to the tower and you think it’s Fred again. You tell him to go away.

“I thought you knew the difference between us?”

You look up and see George. You cross your arms and look down. “Come to yell at me some more?” You mumble. He sits down beside you. “Sorry,” He mutters. “I didn’t mean to yell at you,” A silence falls between you. “You... you’re my best friend, other than Fred, and I don’t want anything happening to you...” “You’re my best friend too, George, but... I can handle myself. I... I feel like you don’t think I can do it on my own when you step in. I know you’re trying to protect me, but... I feel like you think I can’t measure up because I’m a muggle-born.” “Never! Stars! I would never want you to feel like that!” George is horrified. “I’m so sorry that I made you feel that way,” You nod and lay your head on his shoulder.

He lays off on being so overprotective and you don’t snap at him as much when he does get protective over you. Fred is dying inside because you two are so blind and Merlin you’re both his friends but he wants to lock you in a closet and not let you out until someone confesses something

Can you imagine the pun wars between you two? You once were up to a hundred cat puns in front of McGonagall that she actually gives you two detention because she also ships it and maybe some alone time together will get you two together. It doesn’t work

Fred being Fred hatches a plan with the rest of your friends to get you two to confess your feelings. It’s a ‘casual’ game of seven minutes in heaven. Fred totally bewitched the bottle to land on you when George spins it

You are absolutely red when you realize that you have to spend seven minutes with George in a wardrobe. But you’re not backing down and neither is George because damn it if you’re going to let Fred be smug about this or taunt you

But now you're very close to George in a dim space only lit by your wands and you’re both redder than his hair

“Look, we don’t have to...” He stammers. “It’s just a...” “Yeah,” You blush deeper, really noticing the green in his eyes. And he smiles and there’s that crinkle in his eyes that you love and then you’re kissing him. You’re kissing your best friend in a wardrobe while his brother is snickering outside.

He pulls away, baffled. “You uh,” “Yeah,” You breathe out. “You wanna...?” “Just kiss me, red,” “Red?” He smirks and you roll your eyes pulling his tie to kiss you again.

Seven minutes is a lot shorter when you’re having the revelation that you’re in love with your best friend and now he's kissing you in the dark. Fred pulls the wardrobe door open and George slams it back in his face and you burst out laughing and lean against him, feeling safe in his arms

Fred will not shut up about “I told you so!” as you’re curled up in George’s lap in the common room, studying for Transfiguration.

okay off-topic but George gets the entire Gryffindor team to choreograph “Did I Mention” from the Descendants after his next Quidditch game and you’re just laughing at your goofball and grinning because he’s just so ridiculous and Merlin you love him

George is the sweetest boyfriend ever. You’re still best friends but now he gets to kiss you whenever he wants and hold your hand and now he has an excuse to be protective. “I’m your boyfriend! It’s my job!”

You hex him and remind him that you can handle yourself just fine and he just loves you more

“Georgie / Red / Pretty boy” and “Sunshine / Smiles / Beautiful” Just all the nicknames

You scold them both when they start prototypes for their theoretical joke shop because it’s dangerous and you care about your boys and man are they babies when they’re hurt. Not that you have a problem with taking care of them

Geroge invites you to the Burrow for Christmas and is super nervous and tripping over his words because he knows his family and that he doesn’t have the nicest things and he wants to give you the world but he knows he can’t but you roll your eyes and ruffle his hair

Mrs. Weasley absolutely adores you. “No, please dear just call me mum,” She ushers you around the Burrow and scolds George for not being a proper gentleman, and when he starts to say he’s Fred you give him a look and he grumbles. Mrs. Weasely doesn't understand how you can tell them apart and asks for your secret. You admit that their eyes are different and that George’s eyes crinkle when he smiles

“How in the stars did you figure that out?” George asks. “The day on the train, our first year,” you admit. “Remember you asked me what I was doing?” Everyone watching just “aww”s and you’re blushing

Mr. Weasely asks you about a thousand questions about being muggles. Your shirts, your books, your pens, your dishwashers... When you’re overwhelmed with questions, both George and Fred are defending you

You’re mystified about how magic works in a domestic setting and you want George to explain everything and all his fears about not having the best or newest things fades because technically everything is new to you and your little muggle self

When George visits you over the summer your parents absolutely love him. Somehow he knows how to be polite and a gentleman and your goofball is mature and charming and you’re not so nervous anymore and wow you love him especially when he’s still a goofball when you’re alone

Your muggle tech and home mystify him the same way that his home mystifies you and he gets it. He loves your lava lamp and Star Wars and Grease the Musical

When it comes to his family, of course, you love Fred, you haven’t met Bill, but Charlie is a darling and you both geek out over dragons because dragons. Percy still gets on your nerves but you think that it’s just second hand from your boys, Ron is best friends with the “chosen one” which doesn’t mean a lot to you because you didn’t know about “Harry Potter” until you got to Hogwarts. You and Ginny go out every once in a while as just girls to get a break from the testosterone you love George but sometimes you need a break

You think that fifth year it’s a good idea to give Harry the map because of Sirius Black and convince the boys to give it up. They sulk about it but agree

As you grow older, your pranks grow a lot more elaborate and better executed but you always make sure that they stay safe for everyone involved

You’re still wary about George and Fred playing Quidditch, but one night George knocks on your window, riding his broom, grinning.

“What are you doing!?” You hiss, looking around to make sure no one can see him. “Fly with me,” He offers his hand. “George,” You whine. “I don't like-” “I’m not going to let you fall,” His voice is so soft and sincere that you give in and now you're clinging to him, as you soar over the castle. You don’t dare look, but with his arms wrapped tightly around you, you’re not so scared anymore. And maybe you do look. He beaming at you and looks so happy that you can’t help but smile back. You never want to fly on your own broom, but you don’t mind riding with George not and again

You comfort George when Ron becomes a prefect, and the comment from his mother really gets to him. “Just a twin,” He mutters, “No,” You retort. “You’re George. My George. Whose eyes have green in them and crinkle when he smiles. Who has more freckles than Fred and is better in class even slightly. You’re brilliant and an inventor and deserve the world,” “How do you know I have more freckles than Fred? Are you looking at him too?” He jokes and you laugh, knowing he feels better and it’s not a defense mechanism because you really do know him.

Your parents meeting one another is just hysterical. At first, it’s in a public setting in the wizarding world because your parents aren't used to magic just yet. Mr. Weasly has another thousand questions and both moms fawn over the two of you as a couple and it has you both bright red.

You don’t see him the over the next summer because you get a muggle job and he picks up odd jobs so that you two can have date money of which you insist on paying for half of because he might be your boyfriend, but you can handle yourself and well, it’s not the middle ages anymore

But Merlin, sixth year his hair has grown out and he’s grown about half a foot and you are a lovestruck goner. Everyone can tell the twins apart better this year because their hair is different, but nothing changes for you, you still look for George’s smile.

You help them perfect their age spell to get their names into the goblet, knowing full well it won’t work, but it’s cute to see them try.

He’s so awkward and fumbling over his words when he asks you to the Yule Ball and you laugh and ask him to the Ball instead Promposal style

“You might be a Beater but I’m Seeking a Ball date and you’re a Keeper”

He’s bright red and everyone in the Great Hall cheers. Now there are cheesy muggle Promposals everywhere and you’re damn proud of your influence

You get your drivers license along with your Apperating license “Why would you get a driver’s license? You can Apperate!” George points out. He shuts his mouth when he sees you pull up to the Burrow on a Harley motorcycle and he bloody loves that you have a license because damn his girlfriends is hot and also a very bad influence on Charlie who gets a bike too and you guys now have matching dragonhide leather jackets

Dolores Umbridge has met her match with you. “There’s nothing in the rules that says I can’t dye my hair bright blue,” “I’m sorry, Professor, can you go over that again? I don’t quite understand what you mean by that wand movement... must be my stupid muggle background,” “My apologies ma’am but can you please explain your exact problem with me being here?” She fears the days you raise your hand in class it’s your senior year and you don’t really give a damn. A lot of educational degrees are your fault and now it's a game to see who can get the most between the three of you

Whenever Malfoy or his friends try to insult your blood status you laugh because it's like being threatened by a chihuahua even though everyone else is furious and ready to hex the crap out of the little prat

You are absolutely furious when Fred and George get banned from the Quidditch team that you actually consider joining to spite Umbridge

George rolls his eyes and pulls you close because he knows you’ll never get onto a broom.

Except for the day that he and Fred quit school. You follow their lead and you’re gone, leaving Hogwarts behind you. George is furious, but you shrug. You never wanted to pursue a Magic job, you were quite okay living with the best of both worlds and besides, they needed someone to do the professional/design side of their new business

You go to a muggle university after working it out with McGonagall on how to get your grades transposed over. You study the classics and Latin and broaden your horizons and think of starting a muggle/wizard school

But then the war starts. You join the Order of the Phoenix and put uni on hold until your Wizarding world is safe. You work with muggles and muggle-born kids at Hogwarts underground, making sure they’re safe too.

You, George, and Fred are hardly seen without the other. It’s always the three of you in the shop or at the Burrow, or anywhere. “The Twins” now includes you.

You and Tonks are a forced to be reckoned with. They thought the Twins were bad? It has Remus and George in a mix of fear and awe at both of you

You visit your parents at least twice a month, after moving them to West California far away from the war. You don’t explain everything but they’re not exactly complaining about a condo on the beach paid for by your savings from co-running the joke shop

You and George share a bed at night because you both need the reassurance and you have terrible nightmares that only George seems to know how to calm you down from and make you laugh after

When you get the summons to appear in court to Umbridge to prove that you’re a wizard, you walk in, hand in hand with George, in your Bon Jovi cropped t-shirt, bright blue hair, Converse trainers, throw your family history on her desk and walk out, flipping her off on the way off and George almost proposes on the spot

You wait with Molly the night that they transport Harry, waiting for your boys to come home and you nearly have a heart attack when you see George is hurt and you're about sobbing and Fred is holding you and then George makes a stupid joke to make you two laugh

You refuse to leave his side after that and he pokes fun at you “I remember a certain someone arguing about when I hovered over her because I was afraid she was going to get hurt,” You pout and he laughs, pulling you into a kiss. “This is different,” You grumble. “You are hurt,” “And thanks to you, I’m healing quite well,” He grins. You still hover. Just in case

At Bill and Fleur’s wedding, he does get all nervous about the idea and Fred breaks the ice saying that "When I get married, I won’t be bothering with any of this nonsense. You can all wear what you like, and I’ll put a Full Body-Bind Curse on Mum until it’s all over." and you laugh holding onto the hope that one day the world might be safe enough to actually get married and settle down

You co-host Potterwatch and figure out the charms to the radio so that it does change channels and requires a password you also really get into healing magic because you know a war is coming, and though you’re not much of a fighter, you have a knack for fixing things as well as mixing muggle and magic for better results

The Battle of Hogwarts comes and both twins try to convince you to stay back but hell if you’re letting them stop you “I’ll be sick with worry, you’ll be worrying about me, and it won’t be good. We need to stay together,” You whisper to George one night.

Something breaks in you when you watch Fred die and maybe it’s the notion you had against killing someone with a “muggle” gun, because the pistol just feels so right in your hand as you take down the Death Eater. The gun was your dad’s. He gave it to you when you told him there was a war coming and you cried when he did and always carried it with you

The fighting seems to be over and the Death Eaters are gone or dead but you’re still on edge. You hear someone come up behind you and you raise the gun and your wand but it’s George. He’s bloody and bruised but alive and you drop the gun and your wand and run into his arms.

He holds you tightly and you both break down sobbing and join the rest of the family as you mourn over the ones lost.

The day someone dies isn’t the worst, and the next few days aren’t so bad because there are things to do... it’s every day after when they stay dead.

You and George do get married. You’re in a t-shirt and jeans, he’s in about the same. It’s a quiet affair and no one can argue because it’s all for Fred.

It’s a year later and you and George finally reopen WWW, knowing that the world needs to laugh right now.

You both get muggle tattoo’s in Fred’s memory and name your first son after him because of the deep brown that his eyes are and the lack of freckles.

You live not far from the Burrow in a mix of muggle and magic. You get a cat named Peeves. You eventually finish Uni and the whole family comes to your graduation.

It’s never quite the same, but it’s better. And the sun still shines.

Tags: @coffee-addicti @msmcsmutt @ravn-87@artemismohr18 @whygz @crazywritingbug @fuzzy-panda @bitemebro522 @zombiesnips-blog @jillanaholland @shookyungsoo @savingdraco @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @akari180 @slytherin-emerald @chaotic-good-gemini @memalfoy-spidey @theres-a-dog-outside-omg @queenfeatherwings @fanficflaneuse @go-whovian-universe @spicyshenanigans @darling-im-not-okay-i-promise @dietkiwi @katsukink @takemetothekingdom @strangerr-things @tmnt-queen @mccloudchloe @hxneybgb @justsomerandomgur @belcvayelena @moviesbooksandfandoms @howdycharlie @xtrashmouthxtozierx @cocochanelthepupper @ninacotte @braelynn-j @jiggllyy @honeymarvel @darcypottah @atomicpunkrock @thiccheerioss @lottie289 @boredashaeck @beautiful-pegasus @tceedlmao @deadlynyghtshayde @iconjuresnapeingrandmaclothes @anonymous034 @bi-andready-tocry @lunna-does-real-doodle @dragonsandbread @atomicwonderlandmentality @okaydraco @the–queen-of-hell @langdonzvoid @cmxreader @alienmotel @oh-itsnothing @tulippings @thestressedprincess @sunflowerxsadnessw @caps-wilsonn @fattycooter @angelotakunerd08 @thisisahugemistake @fanficsigottaread @gweaslvy @okaydraco @strawberriesonsummer @ughjjloveme @honeymarvel @gaysludge @cleopatera @ray-of-sunrise @artist-bby @shadowsingeraxolotl @peters-legos @quillsareforwriting @ghostlytoadalmondhairdo @wollymalfoy @lilpieceoftoast @paper-cats @floweryjh @sdicapriox @slothgirl22 @peachesandpinks

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the-eve-codes · 3 years

Text

see ya later, alligator.

i’ve spent ages thinking how to write this without sounding like a whiny miserable brat looking for attention or sympathy or even a “but omg you’re so talented” (lol idc if that’s narcissistic hear me out here) but hey, this is my blog, if i want to make it my personal diary of shit i can’t talk to my rl friends about who don’t know about jcink i will. but im not that mean to make everyone read it if you don’t want to, so the rest is below the cut

i keep telling myself to come back off my so called hiatus, and i’ve made a few codes that i’ve posted somewhere even, and i lurk around on the resource sites but i just can’t bring myself to properly come back. i can’t even make myself go on discord (so sorry to anyone i sorta just....ghosted...). i don’t even remember the last time i enjoyed writing rp related content ffs. i can get semi hype but as soon as it gets to actually mucking in my enthusiasm just disappears. my creative streak feels as though its waned; the idea of writing new characters feels like a stretch my brain can’t make anymore, and replaying my existing characters feels boring at this stage.

as for my coding, i just....feel like i’m plugging away for no reason. there’s no point of the codes i make outside of a very limited niche, and even within jcink most sites have in house codes so they’re not even looking externally so much these days. i start making a template and 90% of the time just close the tab because i think well what’s the point of doing this?

it’s like, why am i doing this when i don’t actually think i want to be? why am i not learning how to make my coding more applicable to the real world, and im instead coding for a community i’d rather not even tell my rl friends about? why do i want to post codes for a community where highkey i actually hate most “jcink aesthetics”? (im going to say it lol. rl sites look gaudy as shit and are semi unusable most of the time, supernatural/hp site gothic type sites usually look like depression if it were html/css). hey don’t worry though if i personally offended your entire portfolio though -- i looked through all of my own work today and realised i actually hate 80%+ of it over the years.

letting go of this hobby feels incredibly hard though; i think if i leave, will it even be here if i come back in say one year, two years, three years? if i ever want to return, will i just be disappointed by what i return to? rp followed me through my formative adult years, from finishing school, to university, to a bout of glandular fever that messed up my immune system for nearly 2 years, to moving across the country multiple times, to a horrifying and protracted near long breakdown which im still surprised to this day i came out of alive.

i don’t have that turbulence in life though anymore, despite the horrors of the world we live in right now -- 2020 was for some bizarre reasons one of my better ones. i have a job i enjoy and a partner whom i adore, im away from the people and things that fuel much of my misery and in turn my toxic side, i’m opening a fucking small business on the side soon and going back to school in the fall. i think i used jcink as a community for so long when i didn’t really have one rl for myself, that now i’ve got people in my life that i care about and who care about me, i don’t need the escapism that roleplaying and coding allowed me.

my last major depression session was last summer (it was 2020 after all, it wasn’t perfect) and i found myself going through years of stuff that i’d collected, going peak marie kondo and asking myself do i really need this, does this pen or tenth notepad or pair of shoes i hadn’t worn for 2 years really spark any joy? now i ask myself, does this spark joy? even in times where i was deeply deeply unhappy on here for whatever reason i could still at least say yeah, it does spark joy to me. but now it doesn’t, and in 2021 we shouldn’t be hanging on to things that feel like a chore, an obligation, that don’t make us happy anymore.

i’m not saying “lol im quitting forever” because in 6 months i might change my mind, but as we get into the spring and summer i want to feel the sun on my face without the niggling thought that you haven’t made a code in a while, or you need to get those posts done. and yes, i know i could have just disappeared silently but i just wanted to get my own thoughts out somewhere, and having it tucked away in a google doc forever more felt...more depressing somehow.

anyway, while this may not be goodbye forever, it’s certainly goodbye for now jcink. stay safe and carry on making this community the one of a kind place it is in the world, even if it’s not for me just now.

eve <3

#tw: depression mention #eve speaks #see ya

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pinkysfaultorbrainsfault · 4 years

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pinky and the brain - s1e3b: that smarts

here it is. lol.

episode summary: frustrated at pinky’s constant disruption of his plans (okay, brain, if you say so) brain invents a machine to make him smarter. it goes about as well as you think it would.

the rundown:

it’s acme labs.

unless this is just some cage in the middle of nowhere, i guess. i don’t know.

no, wait. definitely acme labs. brain is writing in his Mouse Diary, probably relating the weird dream he just had about being in post-war japan. he has a lot of those, it seems, probably because it’s a good way for the writers to keep the status quo.

mumble mumble grump grump mumble mumble

“ah!” like he’s just discovered something. you’re not getting anywhere with those formulae though, brain. ∞A2-A= 2 to the tetration is just absolute gibberish and it’s not going to help you at all.

still, i’m glad he’s found what he’s looking for. satisfied with his nonsense calculations, brain calls pinky over.

bomp.

“narf.”

“what were you doing up there, pinky.”

“oh!” says pinky, who has just remembered he’s british. “i was having a devil of a time cleaning the chimney, brain.”

“we don’t have a chimey.”

“oh, well. there you are then.”

yeah.

brain reassures pinky that he is nowhere near the ceiling, which is good, because we don’t want more asthma than this poor guy already has. instead, he proposes to pinky that he’s figured out why they haven’t taken over the world yet.

“oh, i know why, brain. it’s gremlins.”

LITTLE SPRINKLY SPRITES THAT CONFUSE US

ALWAYS TWIDDLING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS IN OUR EARS

“an interesting theory.”

i like how brain draws himself, here. with the little ¬¬ face. grompy.

“but i have reviewed our past efforts, pinky, turning the situations into numbers in an effort to locate the exact problem.”

“well that sounds, um. narf.”

“yes, i’m sure it does.”

luckily, he’s plotted them all out on his little graph plotter, which is apparently going to paint a picture of the thing that’s ruining their plans... because... that’s how numbers work.... apparently? coming from the guy who thinks you can multiply infinity by -2 tetrated, forgive me for being skeptical.

let’s see how this goes!

oh.

still, pinky looks like he wants to put it on the fridge, so it’s not all bad, i guess. “egad, brain! that looks like me! but flat!”

“it is you, pinky. my calcuations have indicated that you are the problem.”

ouch.

“p... pinky?”

the leering figure of brain in his Man Suit behind him doesn’t help the tone, and should also probably serve as a reminder that sometimes it’s-- well, we’ll get to that.

poor pinky. ):

brain rubs it in further by deriding pinky as a “spazzy, beetleheaded dufus.” he has.... diagrams, to match. this is all very rude and unneeded.

😭😭😭😭😭

“but you’re not getting rid of me, are you, brain? i mean you? working as a single? look at what happened to jerry lewis when he split from dean! all that stuff in your hair--”

“point taken.”

“but fear not.” <gay little hand flip in response.>

but brain has another plan! he is going to make pinky smart. so that’s not too bad, i guess? oh he’s making me change everything about myself! but at least he didn’t dump me.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

i’m waiting for the christmas episode.

so brain gets pinky all strapped into the promare spinny machine.

he also makes this face when pinky asks why people don’t usually just make themselves smarter. so okay. he maintains that “the problem is in the execution”, but quite frankly i think it’s because most people aren’t into eugenics.

anyway brain activates the smartsotron.

it, uh. i don’t know why this shot was taken from this angle. i’m sorry. i’m sure, historically, it made a lot of people happy.

brain does some more scientific mumbling.

“fourty seven knots, six-- nineteen kelvin, fibbonaci, n minus one,”

“coming-- coming--”

in the nicest way possible, brain, i’m not sure he is.

“now!”

if you say so, brain. he goes off to pull the lever that. does that.

it has an effect.

the face of a man who is enjoying himself, apparently.

brain also shorts out the whole electricity for acme labs, which is very funny.

“pinky?” says brain, like he was concerned for his health like five minutes ago, when he put him into the bloody thing in the first place.

“oh, that was fun, brain! haha ha. narf. hoo! i’m all tingly! woo woo.”

“fun, perhaps, but obviously not successful.”

“oh, no, no, i think it was!”

“at first i thought the folded dipole wasn’t working as your centrefed, horizontally mounted conductor,”

“but frequencies below thirty megahertz--!”

“loud and clear! haha!”

“and i must say, brain, the peak value wave shape of the impulse voltage? glorious! i mean, hitting that maximum value without appreciable, superimposed oscillations! egad brain! brilliant!”

haha ha.

“YES!”

good for brain. the worrying implications of his assumption that making pinky smart would cure his tourettes??? we can worry about that later.

narf.

anyway, so tonight’s plan for world domination is that brain will pose as jimmy hoffa--

okay.

anyway, he intends to pose as jimmy hoffa and manipulate the old labour leaders into worshipping him.

with that, they will help him utilise the industrial complex to build a “forced vertoconvector”, whatever that means.

“it will create millions of steaming, tiny guysers that will actually lift people several inches off the ground, immobilising them.”

“egad, brain! it’s like giant air hockey!”

unfortunately for brain, his coefficient values are wrong. “it’s suppose to be sin, not cosin. kind of flips the whole thing around. haha. won’t work.”

inside his head, brain screams, quietly.

but never mind! initially, he’s excited, because pinky has saved them a whole night’s work! tremendous!

and luckily, he has a backup plan, which is also totally going to work. “take a look at this one,”

“colleague.”

“oh, brain.”

this is how mice flirt, i guess.

ignoring that “colleague” is a slight downgrade from “lifelong friend,” brain explains that he intends to program a computer to generate a fantastically popular romance novel, that i actually don’t want to look at the cover of for too long.

ew.

let’s move away from that. the romance novel “will contain a hypnophonetic sentence so long and so confusing that the reader will be forced to reread it, endlessly, out loud, and the frequencies of those sounds will hypnotise all those around them, primed for my suggestion that,”

I RULE THE WORLD. it’s not quite a close up but it’s a funny face so i’m counting it.

pinky is not as hype.

“the frequency needs to be an exact integral multiple of the input, doesn’t it? or it’ll be all wobble wobble bluueeroooogh.”

that’s one way of putting it. “not hypnotic at all, nope. won’t work.”

“yes. you’re right.”

brain is not enjoying this any more, it seems.

“by converting our cage into a nuclear reactor, we can produce enough energy--”

“but your migration area is tiny, brain! the neutron will never be able to slow down from fission to thermal in here!”

“please, pinky. let me finish--”

“but it’s got to be at least one sixth of the square distance between--”

“pinky!”

lms if you are the square distance between pinky.

“it seems to be, brain, that it’s not my fault at all that these plans haven’t worked.”

man. we don’t get to see pinky mad at brain very often? i love it. please let him get this mad in the reboot. madder, even. let them argue, wb!!

i don’t think brain has much grounds to argue, considering that he is, of course, the inventor of Really Big Magnet That Sticks People To The Floor By Their Pocket Change. still, he gives it a go.

he drags pinky back over to his weird little graph machine, citing that he “calcuated it himself” and “the numbers don’t lie.”

<gay little hand flip>. that’s not entirely fair because this is a tween but. it’s funny.

“actually, there seems to be a little booboo right here.”

poke.

he sets about correcting it, of course!

brain may well be at his limit.

(they angle that through the bunsen burner as it boils over, which is a very nice touch. it’s a metaphor, kids! he’s having a Hard Time.)

“these-- this!--”

“it’s preposterous what you’re saying! it’s ridiculous! it’s absurd!”

“but brain--”

“just go!”

“naaaaaarf.” going mouse! leave. ):

but now that brain has vented his own raging insecurities, he has some calculating to do.

well! isn’t that a merry little plot twist.

brain’s response to this is to have a nervous breakdown, because of course it is.

“no!” he cries. “he’s even smarter than i! smarter!”

“but i have accepted my own errors. the team needs balance. balance! yes.”

this can’t be good.

conclusion:

meanwhile, pinky is mourning their friendship! and all of the bops on the head.

“being a smarty is no fun! brain doesn’t like me.”

awww. ):

hm.

meanwhile, brain is wittering on about how “sacrifices must be made,” as he plugs himself into the machine.

“fourty seven knots, six-- nineteen kelvin, fibbonaci, n plus one, coming.” despite that, he doesn’t seem very happy to be here.

bonk.

brain runs back to their cage excitedly, to show pinky what he’s done!

and immediately falls over in the process. aww.

“pinky! look! i’m a ninny! a wooden headed dumbdumb!”

“there’s not a smart thought in my whole empty head!”

this man is having a nervous breakdown.

“narf, i say! narf to the world!”

wait, what’s that noise?

ah.

“ah! it’s good to be back. brain? brain?”

bonk.

that doorway is evidently a real problem for them. someone should probably fix it before they break their little ankles. ):

“i fixed it! i’m a nitwit!” pinky cheers. “hurrah!”

“yes. i fixed it as well, pinky. i’m as dense as a tree stump.”

“you mean--”

“yes.”

“well, we’ll just have to make you smart again, don’t we?”

“we can’t. we’re both too stupid to operate the machine.”

so instead they just sort of sit down and give up, i guess.

“what do you wanna do tonight, brain?”

“the same thing we do every night, pinky.”

“what’s that?”

“i have no idea.” says brain, in a monotone, clearly upset deadpan. “narf.”

so that’s that, i guess.

originally, i was going to give this to brain - they were both as smart as each other, and if they had worked together they probably could have taken over the world. all he had to do was take the L and let pinky advise him.

on the other hand.... pinky is emotionally intelligent enough that i think he could have had a shot at reasoning with brain about it. and if he’d tried, then he would have figured out that brain had put himself in the machine, and if brain had tried to reason through his insecurities, he would have worked out that pinky had put himself in the machine, and--

basically they get half a point again.

brain: 6 pinky: 7 outside influence: 11

because i think that’s fair.

either way, they seem to have fixed it, somehow, by the next segment. so it’s all good.

BRAINSTEM BRAINSTEM.

#patb #pinky and the brain #i could have found some funny parts in this episode but #i wanted to remind everyone of brainstem #BRAINSTEM BRAINSTEM

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theseerasures · 3 years

Text

Conspicuous Media Consumption, 2020

it’s that time of year again! *saddest toot from the party horn*

for those of you just joining us: it’s a “consume a different content every week for 48 weeks of the year” challenge. for a longer explanation, check out last year’s write-up here, and as always, feel free to pop in and ask questions about any and all of this content.

(same disclaimer as last year too: content for this project ONLY here, and not certain...*looks at my billion Sad Cop Lady posts*...hyperfixations.)

(man remember when i was big into X-Men comics earlier this year? better times than these, if only because no one's discoursing about Emma Frost’s woobie/war criminal ratio anymore--her w/w, if you will)

(...i swear at one point i didn’t exclusively like platinum blondes but alas)

Bitter Root (comic, 1 issue finished 1/1/2020): still very cool on a basic concept level, but runs into the Image Comics problem of just not having enough content to keep my interest beyond that. part of that is on me, for picking it up again BEFORE the second arc rolled out, but the first five issues didn’t really follow (or resolve) any cohesive story either, so...meh.

Immortal Hulk (comic, 3 trades finished 1/17/2020): still not gonna be something i care deeply about (maybe one of Bruce’s Hulksonas dyed his hair???), but i do want to give kudos to Al Ewing for sheer consistency in terms of sustaining this level of quality storytelling month by month for more than two years now. working with the dense archive of the Hulk mythos and managing to make it interesting and thoughtful is impressive even if i personally would not expend the same effort.

Disco Elysium (game, finished 1/18/2020): honestly i should have twigged onto what this year was gonna be like when the third thing i drew from the barrel was pure uncut Eastern European flavored depression. i faintly recall people ragging on it for being pretentiously cynical, but i actually thought its core slid more towards idealism than people give it credit for. also gratified that i haven’t heard anything about Robert Kurvitz using slave labor to finish it, which is a thing we have to say about our video games now!!! fun.

Watchmen (TV, 7 episodes finished 1/27/2020): i am a fool who wants to believe in Damon Lindelof and I WAS RIGHT!!! honestly still cannot believe that he pulled off this highwire act with such deft aplomb. might be my favorite TV this year, which is a pretty high bar given how much TV i ended up watching.

On a Sunbeam (comic, finished 2/1/2020): Tillie Walden rightly deserves all the praise for inventive queer storytelling, but i will say that on reread--since i first read this as a webcomic--there ARE some issues with pacing here that clearly come from the foibles of its original intended medium. still just excellent, even if after some plot significant haircuts i was having trouble telling a few folks apart.

Lazarus (comic, 1 trade finished 2/8/2020): it’s so good and i want moooooorrrreee--though obviously Rucka and Lark have the right to take all the time they need. the newer longer issues work really well with the epic prestige drama vibes of the story! i’m into it.

The Good Place (TV, 4 seasons finished 2/18/2020): i’m gonna be super honest: i actually wasn’t a big fan of the finale, nor the last season as a whole. it felt like all of Eleanor’s flaws vanished for a majority of the season, and the Chidi-centric episode where they tried to give a legible justification for why he’s Like This was...i didn’t care for it. still, it’s so good and unique on the WHOLE that we’ll literally never get anything like this ever again, and that counts for a lot.

The Old Republic (game, finished 2/21/2020): it’s an MMO so it will never actually Be Finished so long as the servers aren’t shut down, but i caught up on the content i’d missed in the intervening months. Onslaught thus far has mostly been...kinda bland tbh; going back to Imps vs. Rebs after all the shakeups in the previous expansions feels like a waste.

High Road (album, finished 2/22/2020): someone should tell Kesha not to say that word!! otherwise i was very happy with this album, and happy FOR her even though we don’t know each other. being able to find joy again in the same genre of music you made while you were being horrifically exploited is very cool.

Young Justice (TV, 13 episodes finished 2/28/2020): given how much the middle stuff dragged--STOP KILLING YOUR HIJABI CHARACTER IN HORRIFIC WAYS--i was...actually kinda mad by how the end managed to stick the landing anyway. the day being saved by Vic’s self-acceptance and Violet’s sublime compassion was A+, and even the Brion/Tara switchup was a pleasant surprise, though it relied on me caring about Brion MUCH MORE than i actually did.

Manic (album, finished 2/29/2020): do people still care for/about Halsey? i feel like even That One Song that was on every tumblr gifset ever has kinda faded into obscurity at this point. this album was...okay. i feel like people give Halsey a pass for extremely obvious lyrical turns that they wouldn’t for other folks because of her subject material--which is fine. not really my cup of tea, but i also listened to lots of Relient K this year, so that’s probably a good thing.

Jade Empire (game, 3/10/2020): the only 3D-era Bioware game that didn’t franchise out, and for good fucking reason!!! the Orientalism and appropriation really haven’t aged well, and even beyond that the story was...standard Bioware faire. even my usual “my wife’s a bitch i love her” Bioware type didn’t do it for me, and i just ended up romancing no one. it did make me think a lot about what level of cultural borrowing is accepted nowadays, and why: people still look fondly at Avatar and talk about how ~accurate and respectful it was, for example, despite it being staffed almost entirely by white folks, and the Orientalism ALL OVER the monk class in DND is still fine for some reason.

Alif the Unseen (book, finished 3/31/2020): interesting to have read this AFTER reading The Bird King last year, because it highlights how the intervening years have shifted G. Willow Wilson’s thematic interest and improved her craft. i’m actually quite fond of how her characterization work is rougher here--Alif is extremely flawed to the point of being insufferable, but it makes his development by the end more satisfying. Dina is also just good and i love her

Baldur’s Gate (2 games, finished 5/31/2020): well, having finally finished the series i’m happy to say that it...still doesn’t really do it for me, sorry. any awesome story moments were overshadowed by the EXCRUCIATING inventory management system and the combat (i still don’t know what a THAC0 is and at this point i’m afraid to find out). these games crucially lack the Home Base that later Bioware games were so good about, and that (coupled with the huge cast of characters you can drop off and never see again) really hurts the intimacy for me. by the time we finally did get one it was the Hell Dimension in Throne of Bhaal, and i was just...trying to get through it. (yes, i did just say that about one of the most beloved expansions ever to one of the most beloved games ever.) THIS particular iteration of “my wife’s a bitch i love her” was very good, but the game wouldn’t let me romance her :(

The Underground Railroad (book, finished 6/19/2020): honestly what is there even left to say at this point! it was exactly as good as every critic on the planet said it was, even with my usual aversion to hype. draining and horrifying in turns but still insistent upon a future for Black folks.

Steven Universe (6 seasons and a mooooooviiieeee, finished 7/11/2020): yes, i DID finish the show and almost immediately begin a rewatch. this series is now one of my top five most formative things, and the amount of love and respect i have for it is incalculable. that said: i once again did not love how the central conflict of Future was resolved (just the resolution--i loved the finale just fine). for all of Steven’s breakdown was built up, resolving it with “EVERYONE HUG HIM UNTIL HE CRIES” felt...cheap, especially since up until this point the show had been so good about treating trauma and mental illness with the respect and nuance it deserves. it made me wish some of the earlier, less substantial episodes had been cut so we could spend more time at the end.

What It Is (comic, finished 8/19/2020): y’all i love Lynda Barry SO MUCH. for the longest time i was worried that One Hundred Demons was more a lightning in a bottle situation but every book of hers i pick up makes me feel obscure emotions i didn’t even realize existed. the compassionate way she’s able to describe her child self and how weird and fucked up she was (and still is) is honestly aspirational.

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (TV, 5 seasons finished 9/26/2020): so here’s a reversal of what i’ve been complaining about with other shows: i was mostly lukewarm-to-warm about She-Ra, but the later seasons and the finale made me much more into it as a whole. more shows should improve in stakes and overall quality as they age tbh!! i still don’t actively love Catradora (my sole quibble with season 5 actually has to do with the way Adora kept backsliding as a character to make certain Plot/Relationship things happen), but i’m very happy for them nonetheless. i can certainly appreciate a show that will go for High Feeling over tight plot. dark horse standout moments: trees growing everywhere proving that Perfuma Was Right, and Hordak and Adora seeing each other--that weirdly intimate moment of recognition.

Fetch the Bolt Cutters (album, finished 10/7/2020): again i find myself not having much to say that no one else has said. it’s good! once again love it when an artist reclaims something they’d attached with negative affect (anxiety, depression, disordered eating) for better and brighter things.

Solutions and Other Problems (comic, finished 10/25/2020): i was very into Allie Brosh’s ambition with this book, which feels weird to say but i stand by it. it’s cool to see an artist try to make a new medium work for them instead of just sticking to what already works. not all the experimentation was 100% effective, but it was still delightful and occasionally devastating to read, so.

Legend of Zelda (3 games: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, Link Between Worlds, finished 11/1/2020): this was the third time i’d played Ocarina of Time, which made it the nice, comforting groove i settled into before Majora’s Mask blatted me in the face. i’m not usually a completionist Zelda person because...the gameplay in Zelda is bad, do not at me it just is, but i really felt like i HAD to be one for Majora’s Mask since the whole point is to get attached to the banalities of the town. i’m sure nobody’s surprised that i loved it, even if it gave me an existential crisis about how life goes on in the game for NPCs when you’re not there to save them from it, and there’s not enough time to save them all all the time (also not a surprise to anyone: Romani and Cremia gave Personal Feelings). Link Between Worlds...bad. not like in a “this is a bad story by every measurable gauge” way, but i was already struggling with the 2D playstyle shift enough that for the whole story to end with some “yes it’s v sad that Lorule is Like This but trying to steal Hyrule’s privilege is Even Worse Actually” noblesse oblige bullshit left a VERY poor taste in my mouth, this year of all years. i did audibly gasp when Ravio took off his mask, though. i’m currently playing Breath of the Wild in cautious increments; it’s the first time i’ve enjoyed early Zelda gameplay, but if they wanted fully voiced cutscenes i wish they got voice actors who...knew what words sound like.

folklore (album, finished 11/6/2020): my belief that Taylor Swift is Just Fine continues, i’m afraid. i LIKED this album, don’t get me wrong, and respect her constant drive to innovate, but i didn’t love it substantially more or less than any other Taylor Swift album. mostly i’m just tickled by how she thinks leaning into the indie aesthetic means borrowing Vita Sackville-West’s entire wardrobe, though i will admit to feeling Something when she swore in a song. i think it was like. savage vindication?? you go ahead and swear, Taylor Swift. you deserve it.

Shore (album, finished 11/19/2020): do people still care about the Fleet Foxes? i think there was some Drama with Josh Tillman a while back but i don’t remember where the discourse landed with who was being more problematic. it was nostalgic for me to listen to their new album--made me remember being an undergrad who exclusively listened to men who mumbled and played acoustic guitar all over again.

Star Wars (3 movies: original trilogy, finished 11/27/2020): there is So Much bad Star Wars these days that every time i rewatch the original trilogy i’m afraid that they will suddenly be bad, but guess what! they’re not. i love these children and their hot mess stories, i love that Lando doesn’t know how to say his best friend’s name. what stood out to me this time was the way Obi-Wan described the Force in A New Hope, which strongly implied that ANYONE can be Force Sensitive; that obviously faded with each subsequent movie, but part of me does wish they’d kept it.

X of Swords (comics, 22 issues finished 12/5/2020): i am enjoying Hickman’s X-lines!!! not so much here for the Grand Conspiracy or whatever, but the character work and highkey weirdness is fabulous--they FEEL like X-Men, despite all the shakeups in-universe. this crossover is a nice microcosm of all that: grandiloquently all over the place, but still full of cool standout moments and genuine hilarity. ILLYANA DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL MAGIC.

Fire Emblem (4 games: Sacred Stones, Path of Radiance, Radiant Dawn, Awakening, finished 12/14/2020): this was the thing that i was closest to giving up early on, but i ended up hyperfixating on it instead. that’s a credit to what the gameplay does to my lizard brain more than anything else, because the story and character writing is...insipid. it was very bizarre to witness this franchise blunder around with its animal-people racism allegory around the same time i was getting back into RWBY, and ITS animal-people racism allegory blunders. Awakening was the first time i felt anything for the franchise beyond “teehee red units disappear make exp bar go up and brain go ding,” so i’m excited for more mature storytelling in subsequent games (they MUST get better. they MUST). the child husbandry thing is...very bad tho, and Apotheosis being “challenging” entirely through the game changing all the rules is also bad.

once again no vidya games that came out this year--i’ll probably pick up Spiritfarer or Hades after the New Year, though (or maybe TLOU II! but probably not. sry Laura and Ashley). more TV and franchises this year, which made me feel In Touch with the Children but was also kinda exhausting. nothing was so egregiously terrible i dropped it without finishing! in a year like this that feels almost like an accomplishment

#conspicuous media consumption

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naturaldisasterfanfiction · 4 years

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21. Part 2

Placing my bag on the table in my kitchen, everyone is ever so quiet, not a word is being spoken. They know I didn’t know want them here, I said to it to them. Especially Keeis, I said for him that he can have his bitch in this home but nobody else, there is a shift that has happened now, they were laughing but not anymore, maybe it is me. I am angry, I just feel like I want to beat a nigga up. Turning around slowly, looking around the room. They are all staring at me “you had a good holiday with Royalty?” Keeis asked, I want to fucking beat his ass “I want every bitch out of my home” I said, I don’t care who they are “what did I do? I literally been sat here and even cleaned your home” Krista said “if I wanted a maid I would have paid for one, don’t fucking piss me off, get the fuck out” not only did I have to leave Robyn, now I got these fucking idiots here. Grabbing my phone from my pocket, seeing the caller ID “what’s up?” I answered the call from Ant, he ain’t called me in a while “heard you was back bro, where you been? You want me to come up?” pulling a face “uh nah, I am good. I just came back now; I need to sleep and whatever” which I do “sleep? Chris you don’t sleep, anyways. I have a little something for you, Drake got his album coming out, he lost your number and he is asking for you to get on the track, I heard the beat. Perfect for you, come down. I said for him to wait until you come back, I honestly feel like this song will be a good one. Two legends coming together again” I sighed out “I am going to sleep, so I am good with that” I am being deadass with it too “don’t be fucking stupid Chris, everyone talking about how you dumped your son in Germany and took Royalty to Mexico, you look bad. Drake need you on a track, fucking grow up nigga. He is paying well too, come over” he put the phone down, it is just a song and I suppose it would be good money.

I don’t like this home; I just feel bad vibes from it. From police raids, orgies, drugs, it’s just a mess and I don’t like it. I went to my bedroom and there was some peace there, but I don’t like the vibe, but I need to go and meet up with Drake in the studio now. Walking down the steps “I’m going now, and Krista if I see you here I will fucking drag you out myself” seeing TJ doing whippets on my couch, I sighed out shaking my head. I am stuck between being in my home alone or having these here and I am not winning in this. I would go to my mother’ home but she will question me and talk shit so I can’t be bothered “Keeis” walking over to him “what’s up?” he said “you think I am a joke, like when I speak to you am I just a fucking joke to you?” I asked “nah” his ass is on some shit, he is always fucking high “right” standing next to him, staring at him in annoyance balling my fist up. I punched Keeis in the stomach, which was a low blow and winded him, his girlfriend screamed out. Keeis fell forward “seeing as nobody listens to me, I said get out. All of you” staring at them, I am being deadass. I rather be alone actually, I can’t deal with the drugs in my home anymore, it’s just throwing my urges to my face “you punched your own cuz? Chris what the fuck?” Hood said, staring at Hood and he knows I am being deadass with this.

Watching from the cameras, they left finally but they think I am a crackhead, an unhappy one but I’m not, I just wanted them to go and get out of here away from me. They left their mess here, it’s like they only listened when I had to act in violence which sucks but whatever. Robyn hasn’t even got to London yet; I am missing her like crazy already but I don’t want to trigger her again and she is crying so I will just keep it to myself. Now I need to find out about car shipping, I want to send one of my cars, maybe two to London because then I can drive my own cars there, I mean I sound crazy because they may tell me to go but I doubt it, then again I don’t. Looking down at my phone ringing in my hand “Robb” I wonder if he is calling to talk to me or was it Keeis crying down the phone “hey cuz, Keeis said you punched him? Why? We family, he ain’t like the people you hang with” raising an eyebrow “you don’t call me, and you call me for this? How about you ask Keeis, I told him to keep niggas out of my home and he invites them, like you no good nigga calling me for that, get off my nuts bruh” disconnecting the call, I now know that my family will assume I am having a breakdown when that is wrong, I am just done with it.

Watching Mijo walk over to my Bentley, he is laughing and I don’t know why, I thought I would come and pick up Mijo and take him with me, see what is good with him “I was like who the fuck is this dark skinned nigga, you turned into a dark skinned nigga, wow” dapping him as he sat in my car “well Mexico was hot, you should see Royalty, she worse then me” placing my phone in the middle panel smiling “good hearing you after so long, I called you but then you didn’t pick up. I saw you was on holiday with Royalty, you know how good that is to see!? You took little queen on holiday; I loved the pictures too. Family first, you know that” nodding my head “yeah, thanks for coming with me to the studio. I kicked out the OHB niggas you hate, I am just done bro. I am done with that life, I am sick of it. The drugs, I ain’t had that shit for weeks. Can you tell?” looking at Mijo smiling “you look happier, I can see it” he nodded, I sighed out “and I clocked some shit right, I read your post. And it read really rubbish feeling bih. And I was like huh, so I am reaching but then shade room comes on my feed and are clocking shit saying r is for Rihanna, so I am like Robyn Rihanna Fenty? So now I am like huh? Nigga, you did that shit on purpose” Mijo and I both looked at my phone that is now ringing, he gasped and so did I, like I didn’t know I have her number “noooo?” he said, picking my phone up from the side “nooo” he said again, answering the call “hello shawty, you get there?” she should by now “we’re going to land now, I just thought I would tell you because it’s late and you should be asleep” she is right I should be “I will be going to sleep but I need to go to the studio. Let me know when you’re in bed” I want to know every moment “were them idiots there?” she asked “of course, I punched Keeis but I will tell you this tomorrow. I need to go inside” Robyn groaned out “that is no good Chris, ok. I miss you already” smiling lightly “I miss you too, love you” I wish I were with her.

Mijo doesn’t know if to laugh or what, he is in shock “that was Rihanna, like what? Uh, no!” his face dropped “no fucking way, no Chris. Oh my god!” Mijo shouted out jumping in the seat “what?” I said ever so innocently, Mijo placed his hand over his mouth like he is holding in a scream. What is wrong with him, is he ok “Chris?” he moved his hands back “what?” is he dumb “I have worked it out, I know you fucking assholes! I know you both so much, oh my god. She is pregnant, and I know you. You both had sex at the party, she is pregnant, you are the dad and you put this shady picture of a ring. You eloped with her! Rihanna is being shady with who the dad is oh my fucking god!” I had to laugh, because he does know us “you kick my car anymore I will have to kick you out” Mijo is too excited “I am just fucking siked!” he shouted, I didn’t even need to say shit “so tell me, am I wrong?” he said, I shook my head smiling “but you can’t tell a soul Mijo, I am ditching Cali and going to London. I came here to take care of some stuff” I was not expecting this reaction from him, my face softened “are you crying?” I said “fucking happy for you, you two idoits! You go Chris, don’t look back. Hear me? Don’t fucking look back, I was scared I would lose you” Mijo grabbed the back of my neck “you don’t let a fucking clown ruin this, or anyone. You go to London and be the dad you are, you do it!” he pointed at me “I am happy for you, nobody fucking knows you like I do” Mijo got me choked up here now.

Getting out of the car, we got to the studio eventually “come here, my nigga fucking did that” Mijo attacked me in a bear hug “yo” I said laughing as he hugged me “I fucking saw the post, I just started adding shit together. I fucking know you both Chris! I ain’t dumb” patting his back letting a sob out, I just thought Mijo would also have shit to say because nobody is ever happy for me “fucking crazy shit but happy for you, you go there and you get the life you deserve. You deserve the happiness ok” Mijo moved back “nigga, I got my family now. I want you to have your family, I ain’t here for that shit anymore. I see you drugged up, I hate that. I had to leave you, I had to go away for my kids. You know how happy I am to be sat on the couch with my kids jumping on me and baby mother there? Happy as fuck, I tried that shit and I was close to losing it. Maleah needed me, and I needed her. My son is a cool nigga but he also needs the right path. Now it’s your time, I want to thank Riri man, that fool don’t know what she done. That hurt me, you were so lost. I want you to go, don’t fucking look back at those niggas!” wiping the tears that fell nodding my head “I didn’t think you would be happy for me, you was so negative about the party, you was just not happy about us you know” I said because he really wasn’t “I didn’t want her to play with your mind because you was already a fucked up mess Chris, I was scared for you because you get crazy lost but this!? Wow, you both did it, you did it without a care both of you. I knew it” Mijo ain’t stupid, he does know us “so you legit going to just run to her yeah?” nodding my head “I am straight moving without anyone knowing, Robyn will be the one to announce it, and then everyone will find out but you know now. Royalty knows, she was there for the day. I have pictures” digging into my pocket “wow! Little queen knew before me? I understand, I am so fucking hype. Like this is what you needed” opening my photos, and it’s the first picture to come up “this is us” turning the picture to him “oh wow, look at Rih yo. She looks well, I mean wow” I grinned “that’s my wife, I am happy. I am just sad that I miss her but I am happy. Appreciate you bro, I am sorry for being a dickhead with you” I have been a dickhead to Mijo, I haven’t been here for him as a friend but when I call he is here for me.

Dapping Ant as I made it to the studio session, I just want to get it over with and then I can go back home “you are glowing” he said, nodding my head laughing “well, it’s that holiday glow. Royalty loved it there” walking into the studio seeing Drake’ people, to be honest it is full of his people but it doesn’t bother me, we don’t have no issues now, we are cool with each other but I hate that nigga still, he wants to use me, I can use him too. He a whole goof “my nigga Chris” dapping Drake and then he hugged me “I lost your number; I text Ant for it. I am sorry but you’re here, I am very happy you are here. I heard this song and I said it would be perfect for you” he talks too much “cool” walking off to sit down, I didn’t tell Robyn about this because it’s not relevant and also she don’t need to know right now, she won’t care about it anyways. Sitting down on the couch “let’s hear it then” I said to him, Mijo sat next to him “you looking good breezy, happy? Is it the new cologne, I don’t know it’s something about you” Drake pointed laughing, this nigga is weird at times, but he is a whole goof I guess.

Staring at Drake and then looked at Mijo, he doesn’t know what to say and I have to keep my calm “what you think?” Drake asked, hearing his verse makes me want to punch him in the throat “uhm” rubbing the top of my head “don’t you think that is like a low blow, I mean who cares about Rihanna right?” why do I sound like the logical one here “Drake been tasting his tears from the amount of times he been crying that much, we had to ask him are you the dad. Shit, he ain’t the dad” one of his friends said “but you blatantly made a diss song because you’re upset, I ain’t going to be involved in that” shaking my head “it’s not a diss song, I love Rihanna I do but she played us, she plays everyone. She uses me, and then get pregnant by some random person and has the nerve to hide like anyone cares, she didn’t even clear up the rumours that I wasn’t the dad, I wish I was but that is not the point. She is a bitch, she played petty with me. I am too, and that isn’t the song, I just wanted you to hear it” I can do this, I am not going to let nobody stop me with this “right” I breathed out “Drake, you know Rihanna think she above everyone but she still be running to you. She thinks she a bad bitch, but came to you” they are massaging his ego “you invited me to a Rihanna hate club? You set me up or some shit? I ain’t fucking with this” getting up from the couch “she dogged you out too Chris, you telling me you haven’t?” I need to go, I shouldn’t have came to this shit in the first place. Side eyeing Ant as I left the room, I am being so calm right now but he deadass clowning my wife that she is a whore and a single mother, he called my child fatherless “I am proud of you” Mijo said behind me, I am really trying to remain calm.

#Chrianna FF #Chrianna #Chrianna Fanfiction #Fanfiction #Fanfic

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booksanditsseriesormovies · 4 years

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GX Month Day 10

(September 9): Free Day/Introductions

Ready for Story time (in fear of sounding like a Youtuber)? Ok here is how I got into GX and my 3 favorite characters in the series...

So I was one of the many that grew up with Duel Monsters. I was like 8-9 y/o when my friends and I got into the hype of it, some friends of mine even played the card game with hand drawn cards because it was hard to come across the real thing in Latin America at the time.

But I was never able to finish it and I dropped it. Until I was in college (seriously how many got back into their childhood likes in college), where I finished it in like a month and a half and left a hole in me after I finished. So the next logical step was to watch GX to keep myself going in the YGO train...

And I just couldn’t.

It was just too different and I loved DM way too much. And the first few episodes of GX gave me a huge whiplash theme wise (fun fact: that’s happening to me rn and that’s why I am rewatching S3 of GX instead of watching 5Ds, I watched like 5 episodes and I’m still too attached to GX to enjoy it).

Like how did we go from this

to this

The fact that we get bombed by tons of fillers (including Judai dueling a freaking monkey) so early in season 1 was not helping. So after like 20 episodes or so I dropped it, not really convinced. That was like 3 years ago.

Fast forward to quarantine. I was going through my list of pending anime to watch and I came across Yu Gi Oh GX, and I decided to give it another go now that DM wasn’t so fresh on my emotions. And I had also read several comments saying that you had to get through season 1 and 2 because season 3 and 4 were spectacular and totally worth the watch.

And so I started watching it and while I got into it thinking “okay I just want to get to season 3″ I found myself truly enjoying season 1 (at least after the never ending completely irrelevant fillers). People found Judai annoying and I have to say from what little I’ve heard of the dub, yeah he is annoying there. But in the sub I ended up really digging Judai’s carefree personality and how he just honestly loves dueling.

My only point of comparison so far is DM and Judai’s attitude to dueling is such a contrast to Atem’s much more serious one (though both are great and fit their characters and storylines well). In fact, after seeing Judai in season 4 I seriously missed the carefree Judai of season 1 and 2, like it caused me pain to see how badly season 3 had broken this poor boy and made him harden beyond recognition. Thank God for BBT because we see that he is back to being a happy boy.

Then I got into season 2 and we got introduced to this magnificent being

Edo Phoenix started off as the character that made me roll my eyes because of how damn full of himself he was, smugly beating the living daylights out of Judai and Ryo (so bad both of them experience a full on trauma induced breakdown, seriously). But he just grew on me as he started drifting away from Saio a bit and we learn of his tragic backstory with his dad and DD (and when he nonchalantly cut off Judai’s fishing line after he caught his steak I swear to God I laughed out loud in public because of it).

And then he showed up again season 3 all of a sudden and he got grouped with Ryo and the power vibes were off the roof (like that scene of them defeating those Supreme King’s minions with Cyber End and Plasma #iconic). And he got some nice character growth, saying he was helping Judai fins Johan because Judai had saved Saio before. And then him dueling Amon (that piece of s***) to save Echo...thanks season 3 for killing off my child.

Forever salty that the last we see of Edo is him getting punched by Ojama Yellow

BUT in season 3 we got introduced to this man right here

And I never looked back. This person, this lovely Crystal Boy is my favorite boy forever and after 5 min of knowing him I knew that would be the character I would lose my shit over in these series.

I just love everything about Johan, his bond with the Crystal Beasts, his natural sense of leadership, his resolve to become a bridge between humans and spirits. But most of all, how he is the first true friend Judai has IMO. Johan sees Judai as an absolute equal, and in the span of a few episodes he develops a much more deeper bond with him than most (if not all) of his other friends in 2 seasons. I feel like, if Judai represents the Gentle Darkness, Johan is his Light counterpart (like Darkness and the Light of the Destruction...but good), that’s why they are so similar. My dream is that they would have explored this had season 4 not been cut short, maybe Johan was also a reincarnation seeing as he and Judai felt they had known each other before.

I think it was absolute BS that he wasn’t around for most of season 4 considering he was the catalyst for the second half of season 3 (wth s4 writing team). But at least he came back to duel Fujiwara with Judai and he made him laugh for the first time in like 50 episodes (everyone say thank you, Johan). It was in the middle of a duel to save Humanity but who cares those two children were having fun teasing Darkness.

Well anyways, Judai, Edo and Johan are my boys. I love them a lot so please love them too. And love GX because half the flake it gets is undeserved tbh.

#gxmonth2020 #wow the rant #yu gi oh gx

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polygamyff · 4 years

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58. Part 7

I wish I went home with my mom; I wish I didn’t care for this stupid man. I am so over this, I am so over that family already. I have been there alone with them for about two hours, that’s all it took for them to fucking bully my ass into hating them as much as they hate me “so you want to go to the hotel or your mother’s home?” Jay asked as he got into the car “hotel, he’s not going to make it. Clearly, he’s already been sick” I hate that I care “sure, let’s go to the Davenport hotel” Jay said to the driver “how do I find a room? He does all this for me, I have no key card or anything, that is at home?” why am I asking Jay like he knows “erm, I think what to do. Maybe call up ahead?” Jay said, he has a point, I think I should call ahead. I cannot ask Ally because she stated it’s out of hours so let me do that now, opening my bag and getting my phone out. The paper dropped out also, this number is weird. I don’t understand how it got there, who even got close enough to him to put that in his pocket, I will question him when he is with me. Putting the paper back in my bag “but I remember Maurice saying that the hotel is fully booked though?” I need to google search the hotel, I don’t have anything to help with this shit, it’s like I am not part of his life, now I feel useless “say his name, they will run. You got this Robyn!” Jay said, look at him hyping me up “I appreciate the help, I was ready to breakdown and cry. I felt so lost, thank you” I do have to thank him because I was so done “don’t say that, I am there to help and protect you. You’re my family now too, I just think it’s crazy a family is doing that, it’s evil and it made you feel not nice, but all is well. God got you” he is so sweet, placing my phone against my ear as it rang out, watch them catch an attitude with me because that is just my luck I guess “hello Davenport hotel, Ana speaking how can I help?” I guess here we go with this “hi it’s Robyn, I need a room. Any room, I know the hotel is fully booked but I have Maurice Davenport here and he does need a room. He is drunk and I can’t get him to speak, he is asleep, or maybe he’s just daydream, not sure” looking over at Maurice “oh wow, erm. I will need to speak to my manager, one moment” she put me on hold, that is just great “Robyn, stop being so sweet on the phone, you should have said, hi I am Robyn Davenport and I want a hotel room, be demanding but I understand, you feel so deflated” I guess Jay is right, but I do feel just low about shit right now.

They left me on hold for a while now “I am tired Jay, very tired right now” Maurice is mumbling while singing, I just want to slap his face “hello, sorry for the hold. We have a room for Mr Davenport, please bring him to the back of the hotel, and someone will be waiting for him” wow that worked a treat “thank you, that was all” disconnecting the call, Jay turned in the seat “so is it all good?” Jay asked “yes, they said come to the back of the hotel when we arrive, all is well” that is a good thing, Maurice leaned forward before the SUV braked harshly and his face hit the headrest “uhh” he groaned out, I would help him but let him suffer. He looks so confused as he sat back “I got five on it” he started singing, rolling my eyes at him. Maurice ended up looking at me “bobyn” he laughed to himself “mhmmm kiss” placing my hand on his face “no, stay there and away from me” I do not want him near me “aww bobyn, one one two?” pulling a face at him, he is literally slobbering on my hand like a dog “what does that even mean?” I am confused with that, pushing him back a little “go to sleep” I don’t want to deal with him, he’s an actual mess and I have his saliva all on my hand now “Maurice seems like a funny drunk, an annoying one too though” Jay laughed, no wonder his friends enjoyed this Maurice they could fuck him around.

I did think they would let me down somewhere along the way, they didn’t and someone is here with the key card “hey, Maurice. Can you walk?” Jay asked him but Maurice is not saying a word, moving back from Jay “just pick him out, you can drop him off and then I can deal with the rest” Maurice’ phone keeps ringing, opening my bag and grabbing his phone. Why the fuck is Joy calling him, like real question “just get him out” answering the call and walked away a little “you called?” I said down the phone “where is my son?” Joy said “with me, where else? What do you want?” I asked, clearly she wants to fucking ask a question “I want to speak to my son, I mean you are the one talking about him behind his back. Asking the family how we are, clearly you’re not made for this family” I just snapped, I ended up throwing Maurice’ phone on the ground, I am fed up. Every fucker in that place are all against me. Seeing that she is still on the phone, picking up Maurice’ now cracked phone, disconnecting the call “Robyn!? Man, what you are doing, come on” well he is not going to be happy about that, I huffed out following Jay inside. I sighed out heavily “you know what I had a really stressful pregnancy before, and it’s all over again. I broke Maurice’ phone” I held it up “why? Broke? That shit is shattered, the anger in that” Jay has got a point “his mother rang, every one I spoke too. I wasn’t even being mean or anything, they have twisted my words. Making out I was speaking bad about them, so now they are trying to get at Maurice with it. I am fed up; this is one night. Am I supposed to deal with that for a lifetime?” Jay looked at me in sadness “they are manipulating the situation because he is not with it and not knowing, I get what you mean. They are trying to strain you in a way, that is bad, but I see you both together, Maurice is crazy about you. He wouldn’t take their side, I know it” Jay is so sweet but it worries me still, I am getting lied on and these are being created by his own family.

Smiling lightly at Jay “if you need me I am around, I am literally close by so don’t just suffer in silence I got you. Have a nice night with him” Jay laughed “yeah, he can miss me with that sex shit too” I chuckled saying, he has the nerve to wake up and say sex “no problem, night” Jay walked off as I let the door close behind him, I mean it is not a room Maurice would like but we have a room. The room is beautiful but it’s too small for this posh boy, making my way back into the room “what are you doing?” if he is really attempting to get unchanged then that is laughable, he’s just leaning forward touching his shoes “Maurice! Hey, get back on the bed” tugging at his arm, I was going to undress him anyways. Maurice finally laid back onto the bed but not how I wanted, right in the middle of the bed for no reason, where the hell do I sleep. Pulling a face “Maurice, what are you saying?” he is mumbling something “I don’t want this” pulling off his shoe from his foot “yes ok, Maurice. Your legs are hanging off, you can’t sleep like this” I mean I need to sleep clearly “I don’t want it, I love. In my heart I love” I rolled my eyes, I am going to pee and sit there because I am fed up, I have broken Maurice’ phone and he’s talking shit, he’s taken all the bed and I can’t move him, I am done for the night.

I finally left the bathroom, I spent at least twenty minutes in there, but I can hear Maurice’ light snores, he is asleep. Staring at the bed, he is asleep in the middle of the bed, now what the fuck do I do with myself on where to sleep. I think I am going to go to my mother’s and rest there, I don’t want to be here anyways. Walking around the bed, I need to pull Maurice onto the bed more because he is hanging off it. Let me find my inner strength, I mean I do this at work with pulling people on to the operating table, but I am not alone with it. Hooking my arms under arms, I huffed out pulling him back “thank god you’re not big” I said, now let me put him onto his side because I don’t want him to choke on his own vomit. I am using my last ounce of energy on this “that is it, put your arm here. Now you will remain that way” I said to myself, least that is done. I mean he has no blanket but whatever, I am out this bitch and going to my warm and comfy bed at home. I was going to leave his phone, but it’s broken, and I rather tell him in person why and what happened to it, I am not sure if he will be angry at this. Closing the room door slowly, I have left a note for him so he can read that if he can bring himself to do it but I will come back to check up on him. Pressing the elevator button and moved back a little waiting for this thing to come up, I have a had terrible day and my feet hurt, I am tired, I am mentally drained from these games. This all started off fine, it was going great and I was happy but my god, didn’t it turn for the worst. I just couldn’t imagine this to happen, the mess of it all is that they are making out I was talking shit, the elevator pinged as it opened. Stepping into the elevator, I know I should tell Jay or someone I am going but I don’t want to interrupt him now, pressing the ground floor. When Maurice comes around, I swear to god I am going to be at him about this, he fucking went out of it at the wrong time, I needed him, and he wasn’t there at all for me. Walking towards the reception “hello Robyn, is everything ok?” They know my name, I didn’t even reach the desk “yes, I just need a car please. To Anaheim, charge it to Maurice’ room too” the guy nodded his head and moved away to get it done, I just want to go home and be with my daughter now because no ma’am this is a messy and a dangerous game “ain’t you Maurice’ girl” looking behind me “oh hell no, chile. Please don’t talk to me, no” I am sick of that family “Robyn, it will be around in five minutes” the receptionist said “thank you” let me go and sit down “wow, you real rude” I do not want to know their names, all his male cousins are fuckin weird and just don’t respect boundaries “well, I guess to enter the Davenport cult you need to be” walking around them.

It’s going on five in the morning and I have just got home, Reign will be waking up about seven, but she went sleep way late so maybe nine, I hope anyways. I breathed out, it feels so good to get these heels off, my feet are free from the hell. I think I am going to go to sleep, have a nice bath and wash off all that shit, go to my doctors and then sort my life out, this is my to do list. I did not expect the full extent of the mess that was to happen, Joy is going to catch a fucking slap next I swear to god. I didn’t want to cry but I was angry, it’s the way he looked at me like I fucking said it when I didn’t, Nalah is my only witness in this but the white bitch in the toilets, she is about to fucking get it too. I mean the shit happened in stages, it was a free ticket to upset me in that moment and Maurice allowed that to happen. It’s like I would be on the phone to Leon about it but then it’s like he will say why be with him, you’re not happy but it’s not him, it’s his family.

My mother is the best mother on earth, she didn’t even wake me up at all. She took care of Reign and let me gather myself up with having a bath “I appreciate you so much, thank you” I said as I reached the bottom of the steps “it’s ok, I love Reign. I mean she is touching everything. I need a baby gate but we are getting by, I strap her in the highchair” I laughed seeing Reign strapped in the highchair “gran gran got you locked up here baby, awww” pressing a kiss to the top of her head “sit down, I will get you something to eat” shaking my head as I sat down “I have my doctors appointment, they shouldn’t give me a scan. I just need my medication and that is it but watch them just want to check. I just want to do that in New York but then they will make me scared if I say no” I groaned out “have the scan Robbie, stop being stupid. They need to check on the baby too, even if it’s a simple check” my mom has got a point “is Maurice coming down too? So, I know how much to make” shaking my head “uhh no, he is not here” my mom stared me “he had work early then?” I chuckled “not exactly mother, more like a hangover. I left him at a hotel room and came here” my mom dragged the chair back “ok, what happened? I mean you left him there” nodding my head slowly “I have my appointment soon mom, I can explain after” my mom frowned at me “then skip it some” my mother wants to know “well you said be careful, they are crazy well you are right. I went back in, Maurice is drunk. Joy came to me again saying he loves to be intoxicated I got annoyed because that is my man, so I said to her about knowing who Malik dad is, I just snapped because she got at me before then saying if he doesn’t destroy your soul then the family will, you are one of many. So Nalah was there, she didn’t want us to argue, Joy stormed off and then a few minutes later Nalah said my mom is harassing Maurice. I rushed over and the bitch! She turned it on me and told Maurice I! Fucking I said that he loved being intoxicated and that I am talking about him, Maurice at this point is not with us, he is just confused I don’t know but he looked at me, he looked at me like he didn’t believe me and that hurt, I just broke down crying and then he got angry and walked off. So his weird cousin, the one staring at me said he will be around if Maurice dies early, then I go to the toilet and then this white lady was there, Marquis sister in law, I only asked how is the family but that got twisted! So, I get Maurice out, Jay came to the rescue, I was close to crying because I knew nobody, and Maurice was not with me. We go to the hotel; Jay is getting Maurice out. His phone starts to ring, his mother is calling so I pick up and she said where is Maurice, explained no and what you want, she comes out with I heard you been talking about the family and him, I had enough and threw Maurice’ phone to the ground, on top of that I found a number in his pocket with love heart. So yeah, that all happened, and he is at the hotel” this sounds awful come to think of it, my mother is looking at me in horror.

My mother is gathering herself, I know it “I don’t fight Robyn, but this woman is playing with my daughter, she is playing with my daughter’ future and she is about to catch these hands. I am angry, my heart is heavy, and I am ready to kill for my child. My one and only baby and she is playing with her! Oh baby, I want details on her location. You get Maurice here and you bring that mother of his, that is awful. You are not well, and you had to deal with that, I told you. I said be careful, I felt the vibe. I felt the hate, I felt it in the air. It’s evil, the air was evil, and I did not like it. You should have came back as soon as it started, they do not like you Robyn. They didn’t like me, I felt it from a few women staring at me. I want locations, I want details Robyn. Not my baby!” my mother spat, flicking the tear away “I didn’t want to leave Maurice there mom, I didn’t want to leave him there with them either. That notion that he would end up missing, I don’t know. He’s a dumbass but he is my dumbass, I am hurting but I don’t know what is next. What a mess” I mumbled “I am angry, and I want answers, you get the mother on that phone or Marquis! I am not having that” my mom said “after my appointment, see what happens. Just please, if he comes here then don’t be mean to him” my mom rolled her eyes “I wouldn’t be mean to him Robbie, I am just going to say my displeasure to his behaviour” I doubt Maurice will come here, he has many more hours to sleep.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfic #Fanfiction

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gigliofiore · 4 years

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maladaptive

♡ member: mark lee

♡ genre: angst, but slight fluff at the end

♡ summary: thanks to a lack of good relationships in your life, you create an imaginary friend to get you through the rough times

♡ word count: 1.4k

♡ song: ribs - lorde

...

When it comes to children, it isn’t surprising when you find out they have an imaginary friend. They’ll giggle, and their eyes will light up as they tell you about their talking dog, who has tea parties with them and rides on the back of their bike.

But eventually the time comes where they grow up, and they no longer talk about their little friend anymore. They fade from the child’s memory, a ghost long forgotten.

Now let’s think about when it comes to teenagers.

What if they never grow out of their ‘imaginary friend’? What if it follows them all throughout their life? You’d probably think they’re nuts.

But that’s how it is for me. He’s a coping mechanism, a world to go to when everything feels as if it’s crashing down. I don’t know where I’d be without him.

It all started when I was little, and no one seemed to enjoy my presence. It was always hard for me to make real friends. I’d have people I hung out with, but it was never a real commitment. They’d up and leave after a few months, and I’d be alone again. With my parents, I never quite felt appreciated.

You did this wrong, or you shouldn’t have done that, I never got praised for my achievements. I could always do better, and I was always doing worse.

So, when I finally came to the conclusion I’d be alone forever, I made a friend.

Yes, I made a friend.

I put all the qualities of my ideal friend in him. He was straight out of a cool, teen indie movie. He would be the best friend you could go on long road trips with, get donuts with at ungodly hours in the morning, or talk about nothing into the late hours of the night.

Since nobody else would listen to me, I would travel into my own little world in my head where he existed. I’d talk to him everyday, hang out with him for hours. Whether I was in class, the car, or laying in my bed staring at my ceiling, I’d dissociate into a world where someone truly, really cared about me.

This went on for years. No matter my problem, he’d always have a solution, no matter my opinion, he’d always listen. I daydreamed all day about him, and he filled my dreams at night.

Eventually, I put so much detail into him, it felt as if he was real.

I could practically reach out and touch his hair, know what it would feel like to run my fingers through his brown locks. I could tell you every emotion in his dark brown eyes, from the joy that sparkled in them when I would tell him jokes that only he would understand, or when they clouded over with worry when I would come to him crying after a stressful day. When his angelic smile would let out his signature laugh that would ring in my ears for hours, and I could practically hear it in reality. Or the way I could cringe at him when he would act like an awkward dork, but his giggles made me grin, and I always put up with him.

Sometimes, I could go months without thinking about the truth.

But sometimes, there would be days it would hit me like a truck.

“You’re not real!” I’d cry. He’d be sitting on my bed with me. Reaching out, I’d flinch away. “None of this is real Mark! You’re not real, we’re not real, this world isn’t real! I’m stuck in fucking reality where everything is hell, and no one cares!”

“Y/n, I need you to breathe-” This would be one of the moments where I could read his eyes. They’re always so alive, you wouldn’t be able to tell it was all a dream I created in my mind. His mocha eyes that would go black with a whirl-wind of emotions. Sadness, worry, disappointment. It would always be like I could actually see him in front of me, and not like I would be staring at my ceiling sobbing in my bed;

Alone.

But no matter what, I’d always forget reality again, and he always came crawling back. We’d pretend like none of it ever happened. Of course it worked, why wouldn’t it? I could control everything. All of his moves, all of his words, every laugh that came out of his beautiful mouth.

When I would have my ‘friends’ in reality, for their short periods of time, I would even start to talk about him without realizing.

“My aunt made watermelon cupcakes the other day for our family cookout.” One of them had said.

When she caught my smile, I had been asked, “Have you had them before?”

“My friend actually loves watermelon. He’s like, obsessed with it.”

They all wiggled their eyebrows, ‘Ooo,’ they’d say, ‘he? Y/n are you holding out on us?’ Giggled erupted around the table, and my cheeks would flush. My whole body would burn with embarrassment, and I’d turn red from head to toe.

That night I went home and threw myself into my room, locking my door and screaming at the top of my lungs.

“He’s not real, Y/n! He’s! Not! Real!” I chanted this to myself while screaming in hysterics. If someone would have walked in, they would have thought I was psycho.

Hell, I thought I was psycho! I thought I was losing my damn mind. My whole world, my entire life revolved around a boy that didn’t exist.

After my breakdown, I came to the conclusion that it was time I got over all of this. I needed to grow the fuck up, I needed to focus on the life ahead of me. I was going to graduate high school, I was going to college to get my dream job, I was chasing the life I always wanted.

All by myself.

I couldn’t live the rest of my life tucking myself away every time life got hard, and talking to someone that I made in my head. I would never even be able to form real relationships if this kept on.

It wasn’t easy, but eventually the thoughts of him left my mind. It was like a drug at first, you couldn’t help but come back, but I tried to focus on graduating and getting my diploma, and getting the hell away from all the terrible memories that chased me.

Of course, every now and then I’d think of him. I’d never forget, it would be impossible to completely get rid of everything I made over the course of my childhood and teenage years. The memories of him were never sad though, and I always would smile at the thought of him.

Thanks to all the attention I focused on my studies to get my mind off of him, I graduated with good grades and got into my first choice, the college of my dreams.

I still remember walking down the campus sidewalk, taking a deep breath of the brand newness of everything. The cold fall air was putting hustle in everyone's strides on the first day of school.

Someone bumped into me, almost knocking the both of us over.

They stumbled back, revealing their awkward smile, and a laugh that sounded like a song you want to replay on repeat for the rest of your life, one I was all too familiar with.

“I’m so sorry! I should have looked where I was going, I’m just kinda hyped out right now. Its my first day-”

The boy rambled on but I couldn’t help but stare at him in awe.

The sparkling brown eyes, and his fluffy brown hair tucked under a grey beanie. The smile that could light a room, and the face that could melt thousands of hearts.

“Anyways, It’s my first day. Well, it’s everyone's first day. But it’s my first-first day. Does that make sense? What about you?”

I blinked, “Uh, yeah. It’s my first-first day too.”

He laughed again. He could laugh a million times, and I’d keep saying things to keep it going. I never wanted it to stop, I wanted to hear it until the moment I took my last breath.

“Well what's your name my fellow first-first buddy?”

“Y/n.”

His eyes shone.

“It’s nice to meet you Y/n. I’m Mark. Mark Lee.”

#nct imagines #nct fluff #nct x reader #mark lee #nct 127 #nct dream #nct mark

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cr0wprince · 3 years

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Now I’m afraid my name might be brought up though. I did some shitty things with her when we were friends. It’s been five to almost seven years (five since the last time I spoke to her and almost seven since I met her). I was 17-18 in the time I knew her and I’m very easily influenced by the people around me, but I’m ultimately responsible for my actions. I saw another ex-friend of hers brought up (not by name) and now I’m kind of scared.

I’m gonna be a little vague and my memory isn’t the best (I try to block things out as a defense mechanism), but I’m going to try to recount it, just for my own benefit. I’m not even going to name her, but will refer to her as LR. I don’t think anyone cares tbh lmao

I met her in 2014. It was probably February or March, so I was 17. We were both cosplaying Attack on Titan, very big at the time. Someone posted in a con Facebook group that they made a cosplay group for the area/con for Attack on Titan. I only had my jeans, shirt, jacket (that I made), wig, and glasses for Hanji at that time and I posted a picture, “I’m not too confident in how I look, but here’s my cosplay.” and she commented that it was a good cosplay. We went from there, started chatting, and made plans to meet at the con. She was 19 at the time, of it really matters, but we were still age appropriate friends.

The con comes by. I didn’t wear Attack on Titan the first day, felt kind of left out when we started meeting other people from the group. She’s always been a social butterfly (I think it’s an attention thing more than she actually enjoys it tbh, but I might be biased??) and I’ve been really shy about approaching people after being bullied in middle school. The next two days I wore my unfinished SNK cosplay, didn’t have the belts, but had a fun time.

She ran a panel and promised that I could be Hanji in it and let someone else be Hanji as well, and this person got more attention because she was more outgoing, which kind of bummed me out, but at 17, I was a very jealous cosplayer and would get jealous about people cosplaying the same thing as me. Not a healthy mindset, but it is what it is and you grow from it.

She had told me she was in pre-med (I’m going to remind you she’s 19 at this point, not unusual but it’s what she tells me next which is the questionable part) and that she’s going to start on the medical stuff the next year. I’m 17 and naive and don’t question it. I know now pre-med takes four years. This is an example of her lying to me/holding things in.

We continued being friends with the SNK group, had meetups at a local park, and whatever. She lamented to me about not being able to go to Colossalcon because she couldn’t afford it or something and my parents pay for cons, so I talked them into letting her stay with us. I had started cosplaying Ymir to her Christa and I did have a cry privately to LR when another girl cosplayed Ymir to another girl’s Christa because the other Christa felt left out by me being LR’s Ymir. I felt jealous they got more attention, again, not a healthy mindset, but I was 17 and convinced I was going to be a professional cosplayer. I know now it’s a bad mindset. LR took my meltdown the wrong way, which I’ll get to later.

It wasn’t long after, maybe a couple months. She had stopped hanging out with the friend I had met her with at the con, which I realize now is kind of sus, but I didn’t think anything of it at the time. But anyway, a couple months later at most, she makes a post in the Facebook group that she’s been feeling left out of the SNK group. A few people from it got together to talk about it, she finds out, and I get pissed. I make a big post in the group about how they’re purposely leaving her out. I’m loyal to a fault, and sometimes it blinds me. It splits the group, they still keep together, but LR and I separate from them.

We move on to different series and start doing cosplay photos. It’s something I wanted to do for a while. She’s a little hesitant, but I hype it up and she eventually gets into it. At Otakon, she asks mentions if I’d be okay with her cosplaying Juvia (a big comfort character of mine, and one I’d failed to finish a cosplay of that con, but I’d gotten Levy done, which still worked with her Lucy) and I’m thrown off guard. I tell her no lmao. I mean really though, what would I do? But it’s important later.

I have big plans. I don’t always finish my big plans. I want to do a ton of different cosplays and she feeds into me. She finishes things while I normally don’t. I realize I shouldn’t have agreed to do so many, but also, the one’s she made aren’t unwearable? She can cosplay without me matching? But it’s something she internalizes.

We book lots of shoots. It’s fun! We don’t get the most expensive photographers (we’re 18 and 20 at the time) but it’s fun. There’s a particular photographer I wanted to work with and she books her since she’s dealing with it at this point since I have a lot of anxiety talking to people. By the time the con rolls around, my costume didn’t work out the way I wanted and my skirt is held up with safety pins. It shows in the photos, so does her back acne. She goes on a tangent on her Facebook cosplay page about how unprofessional the photographer is, how she doesn’t edit photos for anyone but her friends. I, unfortunately, share it. At that time, neither of us have a big following (I still don’t, she doesn’t really either, only 3,700 after she remade, but did have almost 10k at one point), so it doesn’t go far. The photographer and friends stick up for the photographer and it doesn’t go anywhere luckily.

I’m falling deeper into depression at this point. I’m not finishing projects I’m supposed to do with her, messages are spotty on my end. We still do a couple of cons together. The next con of the first we met at comes around, I don’t have anything done, I’m mortified. I skip a whole day. It’s in driving distance so it’s not like I was wasting a whole hotel day. She gets photos solo. It seems fine.

She messages me one day that her parents kicked her out. Something about a fight over her mom saying minimum wage workers don’t work as hard and LR snapping back. Her parents were really nice the couple of times I met them, which isn’t always indicative of how someone really is, but now I feel in my gut that there had to be something more. It feels like petty reason. She moves into her grandparents (and further selfies match that, so it seems like it had to be bad if she never went back). She messages me this and I’m thrown so off guard. Yeah, we called each other best friends. We didn’t talk to many other people as far as I knew at that point, but I had no idea what to say. It’s bad on my part, but I didn’t answer her for a week.

She didn’t message me or anything, didn’t delete me off Facebook, but vague posted me there about being there for people when they won’t be there for you, and people were hyping her up. I realized it might’ve been about me. I called her crying, terrified. Sent her messages. I don’t exactly remember what transpired, but did make up.

There was a point she told me she was dropping pre-med to become an accountant because it took a year and she wanted to focus on cosplay. Again, stupid 18yo me believed that that made sense and was like, “Oh okay!”

We went to a couple more cons, I’m pretty sure she was using me. We make plans for Youmacon, but I don’t message her for like a week in September of 2015. She asks if I’m okay (the only time) I tell her I’m doing really bad. We don’t talk until close to the con. I admit to her that I was thinking of admitting myself to the psych ward it was that bad, but though I didn’t tell her that, it’s ultimately a very hard, very personal choice. (I made it in May and it’s not an easy choice.) She tears me a new one, saying I should’ve went, that I was using her for companionship. She said she had plans to go to another con?? So the way I see it, she cared more about going to a con than anything else. She never checked in on me after I told her I was doing bad, just to take my time.

She has a new bff at this point. This is going to be so cruel, but her new friend isn’t as put together, which is fine! Cosplay is for fun! But I mention this because they get photos together. After my obsession with becoming a professional cosplayer, LR got into that mindset too. I’m so fucking sure that she used this other girl in photos to look better next to. The difference is so obvious in photos.

I make a cosplay that LR cosplayed when we were friends. I’m so proud. I haven’t finished anything in months. I cosplay a couple of things she did, but we were friends at one point, we like the same series, and there are a lot of big series. It’s bound to happen.

She vagues me on Instagram. She continues to stalk me on there (and I did her, not proud of it, but I’ll admit it). She posts things about how an ex friend had a breakdown over her having other friends (when I confided in her my jealousy over the Ymir/Christa duo), how I wouldn’t let her cosplay Juvia lmao (this still gets me. What would I do? Break your arm? You asked me on the spot and I was uncomfortable.). There was one Juvia cosplay post that I mentioned I had lost weight because while my uncle was dying, I wasn’t eating. I was helping with cleaning his house and I just wasn’t fucking eating. She took that as a jab about her because she has self image issues. There was also a big post she made how she KNEW I was cosplaying all the same things as her to make her jealous and to make her insecure, mentioning me by name even. I reported it and it got taken down.

I’d heard things through the grapevine. How she started shit in the Fate community and she was afraid of being beat up at Katsucon’s public photoshoot. How she tried to make a Love Live group, but when two girls couldn’t afford it and they would no longer have all nine, she threw a fit and cancelled the whole group. I’d also heard about her making a fuss over photos she got back when a cosplayer’s grandparent was dying. I stayed away after like a year, but a couple of people who knew me that knew I was friends with her would tell me things.

I wasn’t the best person, either. I’ll take responsibility for that. I wish I could apologize to the people I hurt while friends with her, but I no longer remember their names. I was a dumb teenager. I still get swept up in the people around me and get carried away when the people I are about are hurt. Maybe it’s something I need to work on. But, I ultimately don’t think she’s grown. I don’t think she’s gotten better. I think she’s only gotten worse over the year.

I’m not proofreading. There might be more, but it was a lot to go through, but I wanted to get it out. I hope the read more works, but I’m gonna throw on a long post warning too. If you read this, thank you, by the way. I just felt like I had to get it out.

#rachel’s rambling #long post

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dominicesquire · 4 years

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Trash Planet - Release Blog #4

It’s been a week since the game came out. Check out the release blog by clicking that Read More button...

First, an update on raw downloads. We’re up to 78 on Ithcio, 77 on RPG Maker, and just 5 on Gamejolt still. That’s 160 for those keeping score at home. This breakdown makes sense: I’ve been pushing the Itchio link myself, and I’m on the front page of RPG Maker. I haven’t really been doing jack shit with the Game Jolt link, however, why remove the game from the site? It’s not hurting anyone.

In terms of “hype” the game still has a decent lil buzz around it. In terms of views on Itchio, which tracks that sort of thing daily, today has actually been better than the last three days so far. Over on RMN, I’ve held the top spot of Buzzing Games for at least a day so far, thanks to the 77 downloads and 16 subscribers I’ve managed to rack up. The longer I’m on RMN’s buzzing list, the better, since it means that more eyeballs will be on the game in general. It’s one of the first things you see when you go to the site right now. That’s gotta be a good thing.

I’ve also had decent twitter interactions, but hardly anything on my Tumblr. To my knowledge, there’s only the one Youtuber doing the let’s play still. Not a ton of comments on any of the hosting sites, but I have got 4 perfect ratings from people on Itchio. Pretty sure those were my friends, but hey, it still counts for the record.

In terms of ads and money, I’ve spent exactly 160 dollars on Ads, and I’ve made 165 dollars from donations. 5 Dollars profit, baby! That being the case, I’m still on the plan of dumping any and all money I make on the game into ads until I get more downloads than Hellbound did (over 2k). Most of the ads I’ve been buying have been on Twitter, because their impressions / engagement rate is better than FB in my experience.

My wishlist for the project / My goals for the project are to beat 2000 downloads by 1 year from release (Sept 4, 2021), and to not spend more than I make in terms of advertising.

I also made a new icon for RMN, which better fits the site because it’s sized correctly. It looks like this. I think it’s pretty cute:

Anyways, make sure to download the game and maybe make a post about the game if you’ve read all this. Obviously you’re somewhat invested, right?

--> Adrian

#rpg maker #game dev #game dev blog

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eternaldipshit · 4 years

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alright i’m fuckin PISSED

i just made this blog yesterday to maybe possibly post a homestuck fic i’m working on but now i’m going to use it to scream into the utter fucking gaping void of the homestuck fandom bc none of my friends are actively in it right now and god dammit i am UPSET

fact: i got a lotta feelings for the striders. they are my shit. i adore them. ok? so that’s an established fact now ok good cool moving on

fact: when game over was released, i quit the homestuck fandom. that shit broke me. even if it wasn’t the “alpha” timeline or w/e it still fucking happened and it upset my delicate fucking sensibilities and hearing carne vale STILL triggers some sort of visceral feeling of panic and straight-up fuckin MISERY in me and i wish i was fucking kidding but i just put it on now to test it and ugh ugh gughgsh

fact: i started rereading homestuck this month from the beginning and reigniting my love for it. game over still fucked me up, but i powered through it and 5 years fuckin late i finished a harrowing emotional rollercoaster that i’d started like 7 years ago and was just... DEEPLY fucking unsatisfied with the ending which is why i started writing aforementioned fic in the first place but that is not relevant rn this is a whole different rant ok

fact: i wrote like 20k words for this fic in the span of like 3 days it was sick as fuck

fact: the epilogues are dumb as fuck and i despise them

and that’s the meat of it really. fuck the epilogues.

i haven’t finished them yet, but i just. ugh. UGH. words escape me. partially bc im a shit wordsmith but also bc *SPOILERS* i just got to dirk’s funeral scene and just fuckin. gave the fuck up.

i never liked the original homestuck ending to begin with, but i never expected that the epilogues would be so fucking... bleak. it’s like reading a shitty fanfic except all the fun is sucked out of it bc technically all the shit you’re reading is canon and that makes it all seem drab and unfunny and just kinda depressing

especially in the i guess ‘doomed’ timeline where dirk kills himself

idk if it hit me hard bc of the flippant treatment of suicide or if it’s just bc i love dirk so much as a character but it just hurt in so many different fucking ways

it doesn’t help that the epilogues paint dirk as a straight up fucking sociopath

and i can see why that would make sense, really. his expanding godhood powers played into his pre-existing sociopathic tendencies in the worst way possible but

it’s just

not what i want to imagine from a fucking epilogue

call me soft and an idealist but i like my happy endings god dammit and fuck FUCK FUCK the epilogues. i want to try to finish them but it’s just. fucking difficult.

i think the suicide was the last straw for me and now that i think about it it’s definitely bc of my own suicidal ideation and this is exactly why i avoided that stupid fucking show about the girl killing herself no matter how many times it was recommended to me bc i consume media to distract myself from my problems not have them blared in my face in neon lights

i also fucking hate how dirk’s character morphed from a manipulative as hell genius who constantly struggled with his own morality to this kind of puppeteer who is flagrantly detached from his peers and seems to hold no real attachment to any of them it’s just

it’s shitty

and i was so excited for it bc i thought it would grant me more insight into dirk’s and dave’s characters, considering the fic i’m writing is strider-centric and it just completely took the wind out of my sails instead bc this is not what i pictured for dirk at all

i mean i’m not a fucking idiot. i know he’s an asshole and an ‘ends justify the means’ guy and definitely manipulative and controlling but this is also the guy that cut off his own head to save all of his friends and tried his best to comfort dave when he was having a breakdown despite his own supposed lack of empathy

and i want so badly to continue my fic like i never read this but i can’t ignore it bc it’s fucking CANON. and i know my biffle would be like ‘fuck canon’ but i can’t fuck canon ok it’s the reason these characters exist in the first place. i might rewrite the whole ending but i wanted to stay as true to canon characterization as poss and now i just. can’t.

the real kicker is that i was willing to look past the reveal that he was the narrator the whole time, controlling the lives of all the characters even if it literally gave me goosebumps bc it put that whole ‘jake keeps thinking about dirk while jane kisses him’ thing into a new disturbingly unromantic light but i ignored that too. i switched to the other path for a bit and i knew from the minute it switched to the scene where dirk’s hands are shaking and he calls jane i KNEW he would kill himself but i convinced myself otherwise and surprise surprise got my ass handed to me on a silver platter for it

but i cannot i CANNOT believe he would do that to dave. i flat-out refuse. i flat-out fucking refuse to believe that dirk could be so cruel as to leave them all behind in such a crass fashion and how DARE he do that to dave how fucking dare he doomed timeline or not that dude’s been through enough shit like come the fuck ON and decapitating himself??? that’s not poetic fucking justice that is just straight up cruel af and i know these are all fictional chars and this whole scenario is fictional but it is SO UPSETTING TO ME bc that is the EXACT thing you think about before a suicide attempt you think about what it would do to your loved ones and i absolutely irrefutably fucking REJECT the idea that dirk is so far-gone in his godhood puppet game that it wouldn’t even cross his fucking mind and it is just so much worse to me that dave is the one who found the body and i know dirk isn’t a ‘good’ guy but ugh UGH it’s like they just threw out his whole fucking conversation with dave where it’s obvious that he tries to be a better person even tho he knows he’s an asshole and it’s just.

fucking upsetting.

i hate hate hate what they’ve done to dirk’s character in this it’s like they took all the struggle and all the growth from the adventure and all the nuances and just boiled it down to make a caricature of the person he used to be, emphasizing the negatives so that the epilogues could have this weird fucking quasi-villain dictating everyone’s lives

why do these epilogues even exist

no one is going to read this but i am just so full of righteous indignation that i needed to get it off my chest. i was so hyped to be back into homestuck again, so excited to see what more it had to offer and this just. ruined all that joy for me. and now i’m afraid i’m just going to fall right back out of it again.

what the fuck is the opposite of a redemption arc bc that is exactly what the fuck happened here.

anyway tl;dr i love returning to a fandom i haven’t touched in 5 years and finding out one of my fav chars just got narratively butchered yeah i’m fine it’s cool

#rant #epilogue spoilers #this was my first post but i privated it and i'm probably gonna private it again but for now #feel my wrath

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