#all this happens a little more than halfway through wthi but it's gonna be years before i get there so! i can cause problems as a treat

[vivrcard]

POV

ok i really had to think about this one because ive written so much! but i decided that i want to cause problems on purpose this fine evening <3. i wrote the original version of this piece in july of last year which was before i made randy genderfluid and i dont feel like going back and changing pronouns atm but! you can read the original here. it was a character study type thing for tucker :~)

without further ado:

“I killed her.”

Tucker stood at the other end of the long wooden table, hands folded neatly in front of him. He was neat, and he was formal, and his voice was calm and collected. Some might have described his voice as cold. Whatever it was, it broke Randy out of the almost continuous loop of thoughts they’d been having for the past day.

They were surprised at how well they’d managed to keep it together to this point. They had to keep it together, because if they didn’t, then who would? Siriun, always the one to get into antics, hadn’t said a word since the group had encountered the body at the bottom of the ravine. Ísja was much worse off: he’d started panicking even before the body had been found, right when everyone realized that Lani was missing. The poor boy seemed to have so much on his mind these days, and this certainly wasn’t of any help. Not when it so clearly mirrored the disappearance of his own father. The only difference here was that there was a body to bury.

Randy could sympathize with him. The sense of distance that had greeted them when Winifred, their own daughter, disappeared had come back to haunt them at full force. Things were muddled, to say the least. Real but not real. Colorful but monochromatic. Sharp-edged but soft. They walked the tightrope between dreams, reality, and the regrets that had haunted Randy for more than twenty years now.

“It was my plan from the start,” Tucker continued. “She was stronger than any of us. A menace if we’d left her unchecked.”

Randy vehemently wished that he’d show some sort of emotion. Something. Anything. The smile he always wore when he was uncomfortable was nowhere to be seen. He didn’t show a single sign of despair, either, but that was always hard for him. They kept hoping to catch sight of a creased brow, nervous bouncing heels, absolutely any sign of despair. But unlike when Winifred had disappeared, there was nothing to be found here.

“You bastard.”

Num’s chair creaked against the floor unpleasantly as he flung it back and stood up. His fists were balled in rage that didn’t cease when he grabbed Tucker’s tie. Truth be told, Num may have been the one keeping it together the most. It was surprising given his and Ísja’s brotherhood–Randy would’ve thought that their reactions would be similar. But here he was, hard-edged and angry.

“We’ve been nothing but good to you and this is what you do? What are we to you, livestock?” Num spat, his grip on the tie tightening. “I always knew we couldn’t trust you!”

Tucker’s expression remained steely, his eyes narrowing on Num. He made no move to tear Num’s hand away, nor did he look as though he had much to say. Still, there were none of those telltale signs of nervousness that Randy was so accustomed to seeing. It was odd. All of this was so against his very nature. Tucker had always been one to avoid killing at every opportunity, even if it meant his own starvation. He’d never regarded anyone in the group with such callousness aside from the occasional wry remark. He was kind. He was careful. More than anything else, he was scared.

He was Randy’s best friend.

Num’s expression screwed itself further into rage and disgust. “At least say something you stupid, conniving–“

“Enough of this, Num!” Randy shouted, slamming their hands onto the table and shooting upright.

Please.

Their sense of detachment didn’t lessen despite the pain that budded in their calloused hands. They could still feel the under-used mattress from Tucker’s apartment against their back, relinquished in favor of Tucker taking the couch. They could smell the cigarettes. They could feel the paperwork as they thumbed through it. Those old folders. Those old notes. Those old photographs, one of which had no right to be there. Tucker–he wasn’t like this.

Both Num and Tucker whipped their heads toward Randy in sync, Num’s eyes wide. But he didn’t loosen his grip. Instead, he stood up straight and squared his jaw. “He killed Lani! Who’s to say that he won’t kill anyone else? Who’s to say he won’t kill any more of us?”

No.

“I said enough!”

Randy’s limbs moved of their own accord as they bridged the gap between themself and the other two, only stopping to take a non-aggressive but firm hold of Num’s wrist. Then, they pulled his hand away from Tucker’s tie, Num looking bewildered all the while.

Tucker didn’t so much as flinch.

There was a lump set deep in Randy’s throat as they searched Tucker’s face for something, anything to cling to. This wasn’t like him. This wasn’t like him at all, and if they kept repeating that, maybe it’d become all the truer.

“Where’s Lani?” Randy asked, just barely managing to keep their voice level.

“I killed her, remember?” Tucker replied, maintaining direct eye contact. “We found her body at the bottom of the ravine.”

Randy inhaled deeply. This wasn’t right. Tucker wasn’t like this, no matter how badly he wanted the rest of the world to believe this was his true nature. No amount of shadow merging, oil secreting, or w-shaped pupils could ever convince Randy that he was a monster.

A monster wouldn’t flinch when their best friend put their hands on their shoulders, would they? Randy almost felt themself starting to apologize, but there were more significant issues at hand. “No, you didn’t. Where’s Lani?”

“I killed her,” Tucker replied, still stone-faced. But Randy could hear the slight shake in his voice; notice the waver in eye contact.

Randy’s own hands were shaking despite their gentle grip on Tucker’s shoulders. “Tucker,” they said, voice run taut, “you didn’t kill her.”

“I did.”

“No, you didn’t. She must’ve fallen somehow. This is no one’s fault.”

If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine for not watching her more carefully.

“I killed her, Randall!” Tucker finally snapped, yanking himself away from Randy’s hands. A few of the objects lining the walls shook with his words, clanging inharmoniously with his shouts. Upset. A monster wouldn’t have been this upset over a murder. “I killed another child of yours because you were too damn trusting! I killed her because you wouldn’t open your eyes! I killed her because the situation called for it, and because you couldn’t possibly even try to understand that above all else, I’m a monster! I was created to make others suffer and you just happened to be the prime victim!”

Getting shot to death would’ve been a less painful punishment than what Tucker was spewing. Each word he shouted pushed Randy further into the theoretical street, detaching them more than they’d ever let themself be. This wasn’t real, was it? Tucker wouldn’t say things like this. He wouldn’t shove the pain of losing Winifred so close to the surface as if it was happening all over again, because he’d been just as upset. But the pain made Randy’s hands ball into fists. They almost wished they weren’t wearing gloves for the sole purpose of feeling their nails dig into their skin.

Breathless as he’d gotten, Tucker wasn’t done. “Have you even stopped to ask yourself why your life went to shit the second you met me? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe I’m the one to blame?”

Neither of the two spoke for what felt like hours. If Randy had been well grounded before, they were no longer as such, stranded in the murk of betrayal, disbelief, and pain that Tucker had left them in. No hope in sight. Nothing to make sense of. Only them and their emotions.

“Get out.”

The words felt like poison leaving their lips. They were better than this, they knew that. But Tucker–

“Get out before I make you!” Randy shouted.

Tucker stared for a few beats and deep in Randy’s heart, they knew they’d caught a glimpse of sheer pain on his face that ultimately dissipated. There was no going back, however.

Missing loved one number three, and this one was their own fault.

#asks #i wasnt sure how long this was supposed to be so i just went kinda ham lmao #all this happens a little more than halfway through wthi but it's gonna be years before i get there so! i can cause problems as a treat #thanks for the ask!!