#also i know its probably too cavallier to make this joke

[squeakadeeks]

i had made a post about this previously but got a little lost in the sauce so i opted to delete it, so heres a more metered update on what tf going on bc damnb cha boy has a lot on their plate and im feeling kinda 😳

in the past week i had a doctor explicitly tell me that if i dont disrupt my ED and quickly, my heart will stop; and then to top it off they ran blood work and I got ? ? ?? CAPRI SUN for blood. Low glucose, low ferritin, low red blood cell count, low white blood cell count- (like for real considering all of that what is actually in my veins rn) all of which makes me nervous because we're due for another covid spike with the lifting of masks and holding a giant outdoor event (and a good 20% of my students refuse to wear masks) so if i get sick with covid or otherwise im going to get mcfreaking cheesed....also we have a major departmental exam coming up where if you dont pass it they can kick you out, and its in l e s s t h a n 2 w e e k s on top of all of this (luckily i will have 2 more tries because im 100% certain im going to fail it this time around) but its still a lot of stress.

i keep fluctuating between handling it fine and being in full "oh my god is this it" panic mode between my struggles with being in the do-or-die phase of my ED and whatever the heck is going on with my blood. but do i think im going to die really? probably not, like the biggest punchline is im certainly at a heightened risk for it and things are looking pretty scary, but i shouldnt drop dead anytime soon more than anything its just illustrating how alone and powerless I feel, and have felt, for a long time.

luckily i have some good creative projects to keep me company and im not like totally alone down here, im just not close enough to really talk to anyone about the fine details of this yet and I dont have a therapist either. ie i have friends here to have good times with, but im not sure how to weather the bad times yet.

#also i know its probably too cavallier to make this joke #but the irony that my brain tried to kill my body a few months ago only to now have my body try to kill my brain #but something that bums me out about the situation #is obvs im new to the area #and i think all these crisies one after another is making a bad impression and impacting my ability to socially connect #especially now thats its like the 'adult social sphere' where people are less willing to be patient and will just disengage immediately #at least i got my silly little costumes keeping me going #but the thought of having a heart attack in my lonely apartment and not having anyone realize i'm gone/been dead for weeks #is a little disheartening to say the least