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#although sometimes its somewhat distrupted when i see them but i reel it back in real quick
dxsertrot
·
1 month
Text
Actually everything has been too complicated and now that the sun is out I've decided that everything is actually easier than I thought and nothing has to hurt me unless I let it
#drinking coffee and smoking in the sun after a decent day of work
#i got to work ot this weekend and do a tough job and the day after i hiked w my mom and ran along the beach w the dog
#the longer i keep myself away from the narrative the more further removed and at peace i feel
#although sometimes its somewhat distrupted when i see them but i reel it back in real quick
#it just feels good to know that i dont have to let anyone in and that i have my people and thats all i need
#im goung to carry myself the rest of the way through like i always have
#and i dont need anyone elses validation
#things will come to me when im ready and its right
#if i dont want someone to hurt me then i simply dont have to allow them to hurt me
#and if i hurt them then oh well. i need to protect my peace and my self esteem
#i have things that i would like to work out but i need to accept that everything i want to have happen i cant make happen
#ive been through too much and worked too hard and loved too hard and learned too much to let things like this touch me anymore
#my self perception cannot hinge on anyone anymore because only i know what ive done and seen and felt and thought in every momemt of my lif
#and how i look is not a solid descripter of all the aspects of me
#it is not the bulk of my humanity it is hardly a grain of sand
#im not angry or sad im just indifferent and ready for something better and healthier and more secure
#and the things and people that i can have by relying on my looks do not hold much value anyways
#besides. i am pretty. and im healthy and im good w my money and i laugh w my belly and i know a fuck of a lot more than i ever thought
#and ive done more than i ever anticipated
#i have a lot of things to be so okay with that i shouldnt even have to think about it
#and the fact that i ever do is a luxary not given to the bulk of humanity
#ive had the privledge to love many times and learn the lessons that accompany losing
#and the privilege to make my own decisions and have my own priorities
#i have the time and money to worry about frivolous things just like ive had the same to experience some really cool things
#i am full of energy and opportunity and love and i get to decide when and where i want to direct that
#if i direct it in a place that leave me feeling sad and empty and confused i can put my focus elsewhere unless i deem it worthy enough to
#work at
#and when ive poured too much in and got too little back ill know to reframe things
#its not that complicated and its not that messy
#it just is whatever i make it out to be and im tired of making everything out to be more and allow it to define me
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