#my self perception cannot hinge on anyone anymore because only i know what ive done and seen and felt and thought in every momemt of my lif

[dxsertrot]

Actually everything has been too complicated and now that the sun is out I've decided that everything is actually easier than I thought and nothing has to hurt me unless I let it

#drinking coffee and smoking in the sun after a decent day of work #i got to work ot this weekend and do a tough job and the day after i hiked w my mom and ran along the beach w the dog #the longer i keep myself away from the narrative the more further removed and at peace i feel #although sometimes its somewhat distrupted when i see them but i reel it back in real quick #it just feels good to know that i dont have to let anyone in and that i have my people and thats all i need #im goung to carry myself the rest of the way through like i always have #and i dont need anyone elses validation #things will come to me when im ready and its right #if i dont want someone to hurt me then i simply dont have to allow them to hurt me #and if i hurt them then oh well. i need to protect my peace and my self esteem #i have things that i would like to work out but i need to accept that everything i want to have happen i cant make happen #ive been through too much and worked too hard and loved too hard and learned too much to let things like this touch me anymore #my self perception cannot hinge on anyone anymore because only i know what ive done and seen and felt and thought in every momemt of my lif #and how i look is not a solid descripter of all the aspects of me #it is not the bulk of my humanity it is hardly a grain of sand #im not angry or sad im just indifferent and ready for something better and healthier and more secure #and the things and people that i can have by relying on my looks do not hold much value anyways #besides. i am pretty. and im healthy and im good w my money and i laugh w my belly and i know a fuck of a lot more than i ever thought #and ive done more than i ever anticipated #i have a lot of things to be so okay with that i shouldnt even have to think about it #and the fact that i ever do is a luxary not given to the bulk of humanity #ive had the privledge to love many times and learn the lessons that accompany losing #and the privilege to make my own decisions and have my own priorities #i have the time and money to worry about frivolous things just like ive had the same to experience some really cool things #i am full of energy and opportunity and love and i get to decide when and where i want to direct that #if i direct it in a place that leave me feeling sad and empty and confused i can put my focus elsewhere unless i deem it worthy enough to #work at #and when ive poured too much in and got too little back ill know to reframe things #its not that complicated and its not that messy #it just is whatever i make it out to be and im tired of making everything out to be more and allow it to define me