#and I can't achieve the greater independence and material security I would already have if I hadn't been so unwell for so long

[obstinatecondolement]

I wish I could go back in time and convince my past self that I was not morally obligated to give my time and mental energy to listening to and thinking about the things people who constantly spoke to and about me in disparaging, angry ways had to say about social issues and that constantly feeling miserable and obsessing over how I was Evil was not only not a vital prerequistive for moral growth, it was actively making it harder for me to make moral choices.

But, I mean, these things take time. I guess. Sure would be nice if it was possible to just wave a magic wand and not have harmful core beliefs anymore that you knew on an intellectual level weren't true and were harmful to you, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#I am happy that I've gotten so much better with a lot of my Stuf in the past few years but also like #it's hard looking back at how much of my life I'll never get back that was ruled by this crap #it's really really hard knowing that I did My Best which was very very bad #and that I'm still doing my best which is still not very impressive #and that there are so many things I won't be able to do because of all the time I've lost and the ways I've been held back by brain weasels #even if I 'recover' I can't get the time back #and I can't achieve the greater independence and material security I would already have if I hadn't been so unwell for so long #I feel like I'm always going to be mourning what illness and ableism and abuse have taken from me