#and I'm dying trying to survive the hand I've been dealt even though what I've managed is cushier than any other struggler I see sround me

[problemnyatic]

Ugh. I'm certain y'all've noticed, but I've been swinging bats at hornets nests online more and more lately and it's extremely because I'm unhappy with my life right now. Vent under the cut!!! woooo

I'm frustrated and feel trapped in a dearth of agency between The World and The Difficulties and the way my life has not set me up for success in any kind of way save for my small but golden group of friends and partners.

I'm constantly fighting an uphill battle to have my medications in order and every time one falls off or falters it makes keeping myself from fumbling the others that much more precarious. While i'm struggling to keep the utter foundation of my capacity to function held tohether, I need to find some way to string together enough practice with my hobbies that they can turn into marketable skills- an endeavor that absolutely kills my passion for said hobbies.

My sleep schedule is a nightmare and without external structure (read: school or a job) keeping me beholden to one, I'll never be able to keep it together because the one actual nucleation point in my life is my friends, who all have different sleep schedules and live in various time zones. And my desperation to constantly have someone around means I'm up as late as my up-late-est friend is, and then some so I have Me Time to be autistic about nothing/The Questionable in peace.

And even the one thing I do actually do, play video games all day, is frought, because i've gotten into too many at once and now I'm overwhelmed by being pulled in too many directions at the same time. It sounds like such a frivolous complaint among everything else, but it means the only fucking staple in my life- the escape from the looming stress of it all- is also fucking stressful and keeps me antsy.

to my darling girlfriend i live with who I know is reading this, please just don't read the next pragraph. its agonizing about things that there's nothing to be gained from fretting about, that you will fret so much about if reminded (we've talked about these things before, they just cannot be meaningfully changed). I love you so much and i kiss you

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I'm cataclysmically imbalanced right now, and the circumstances of where I live only compound it. I moved a year and a half ago, and I still have barely been outside, let alone connected with anyone new here. The pandemic combined with living in a suburb without a license mean I'm profoundly isolated here, so I cling to the digital world to feel a sense of connection. It's not good for me. These days I spend most of my time in a windowless room for most all of my day, and sleep through the day anyways.

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hiii darling welcome back

I need a serious restructuring of my life, and there's nowhere good to start. my adhd and autism have me trapped between a nigh inability to deliberately form habits, and a pathalogical contempt for manufactured rules and structures. I can't live my life by an arbitrary design, there needs to be weight behind it, not just "I said so," even and especially if I'm the bitch saying so.

Maybe I need an actual perscribed exercise routine. Maybe I need a steady supply of smokeable weed (edibles just do not fucking cut it for the nature of my needs). Maybe I need local friends, despite being well over capacity for relationships I'm keeping track of. It feels like I have a laundry list of things I need to get around to, all of which will help me actually improve my life, and the list itself feels unapproachable until my life improves. I'm just glancing off of everything I need to be doing in a circle forever.

So I'm frustrated. I feel impotent and useless and imeffective and adrift and frustrated at how much fucking effort it's taking to go absolutely fucking nowhere.

So I swing bats at hornet nests. Because it makes something happen. Something that I can see. It lets me watch myself have an effect on the world in some small, petty, ultimately meaningless way, but in a way I can fucking see, it's tangible. And much to my own fucking chagrin, that has utterly zero correlation to how healthy it is. Much like the rest of my habits, I guess.

I'm so fucking upset at the state of my life. I really hope my endless stabs at untangling this gordian knot of unstarters fucking get me somewhere soon. It feels like i'm struggling in quicksand.

#problemnyatic vents #problemnyatic thoughts #I need an income. I've needed one for my whole adult life #and my psychology and ideology and neurology are all seperately and in concert antithetical to obtaining one #I'm not built for the world that exists. I'm built for something better #and I'm dying trying to survive the hand I've been dealt even though what I've managed is cushier than any other struggler I see sround me #Yeah I'm effectively homeless and living off the good graces and privilege of my loved ones #but that does mean I don't pay rent and live under a tech salary #I think that's the worst part #I feel like I don't deserve to be as miserable as I am because the material circumstances of my suffering are actually fucking great #and highly coveted #I have won the fucking struggle bus lottery and it hasn't fucking helped #but I won the lottery. so I need to just get the fuck over myself and cash it the fuck in already #except I'm still a neurological crater of trauma and disorders and I'm still floundering and I still don't know how to get help #All my luck is squandered on me. #fuck

[interestsofabookwormbitch]

Season 1 Episode 12

I have like 5 and a half hours until I have to do anything, so like, I'm finishing the season.

So what's gonna happen to Noah, cause that solution kills aliens. I fell like they can't just let him die rn.

Back to the original crash. Oh, he's telling us the story! Ok, I'm listening.

Yeah people do very much suck. Just slaughtering what they don't know. Unfortunately it's very believable.

Also, he went back into the pod for years? Because I'm hoping that the aliens aren't immortal types and that we're gonna have to deal with that.

Wow, ok, that went on way longer then it originally seemed. How didn't they hear her at first idk.

So he woke up the night she was attacked? Did he leave the pod then? Or was he able to observe from inside or something? Just still wondering about that aging thing is all.

Yeah, this is gonna take her time to process.

Michael! Torture really? Isobel is literally right there. Maybe a little more sensitivity? Lmao

No but honestly, I get wanting the information, I really do, but Isobel has been through a hell of a lot recently (finding out she murdered Rosa, nearly dying, finding out she was controlled, finding out it was her husband who she loved!), so I think she deserves a bit of time to process.

I am worried leaving him in the pod is gonna end badly, but we'll see.

Ooh, hand print. I think she should tell the others. This may not end well.

Alex and Michael. I'm tentative things are definitely gonna be playing out strangely for the next little while considering this love triangle we got going on. I both hate and love triangles. It's s confusing mix of emotions for me.

Yo, an alien prison. I am so down for learning about this.

Also denial over it is expected, but tbh, I think more surviving makes more sense. There's probably tons of aliens running around Earth right now. I'm excited to see.

I really love how much I've grown to like Kyle, like in episode one everytime I saw him I felt nervous he was gonna do something bad, but now he steps out of the car and I'm happy to see him. Such a change.

Honestly getting things off her chest may be a good thing

Then again maybe not. That didn't seem to bode well.

Liz is feeling it too. The connection is very much there.

Ooh yeah! Story time. Sucks that Michael is missing it, since, you know, he's the one who wanted answers.

Ok, Noah is a fucking creep. Like that's so violating.

I mean kinda, but they do need him for answers, so I guess not.

You know, I like that Alex just keeps fucking hacking into everything. It's kinda funny.

I mean yeah. I guess seeing Alex and Kyle being all friends now would be weird considering everything.

Kyle's back on my shitlist! JEDI? STAR TREK!? How dense can you be!?

A map? Noah is horrible honestly.

Well, can't say they didn't try to tell Michael I guess.

You know Liz gives really good advice, and is great with other people. And yeah, Isobel is gonna be going through quite a bad time right now.

Ok let's see what's up in this prison! Who's the alien, sources (that's me) want to know.

Well, looks like we have to wait to find out. Also tbh, the soldier gave me a jumpscare lmao. Alex dealt with it quickly though,

Wait ok, A) they know each other, B) Manes on the clothes. Is this his brother?

He did not tell you, you figured it out and hacked his information, but I support the lie.

Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. Ok first of all. Genocide bomb. I mean what also would I expect from the military. Specifically US military who have deployed atomic bombs. Secondly, this paranoia has got to go. Literally never have they even tried to make peace with the aliens. Started slaughtering on impact and even if that were not the case, where is the evidence of a genocidal invasion? Other than Noah that is? One killer does not make a whole species bad.

Also don't think I didn't notice the wall reference. I feel like this show is really trying to connect the aliens to immigration. Like obviously we have actual immigrant in the show, but you can draw lots of parallels with the aliens as well

Ok, his brother is dumb. Divulge all information, than only afterwards realize their dad didn't send him.

I was gonna try and say something about Max needing to let Isobel do what she needs to, but she's just doing it in the mind, so he can't stop her.

Max needs to chill with his protective behavior. I mean its understandable, but they're all adults, and he can't get the final say.

Ok, so at least the handprint is known now.

Isobel is saying what needs to be said in there, which is good, not so sure how I feel about Liz and Max's conversation rn. I'm on Liz's side though.

Honestly, I think it's fair. Liz doesn't want to kill anyone. And who really does. Noah may deserve it, but she doesn't deserve to live with that feeling.

Isobel don't listen to him.

You know, if this were a horror movie I'd say "don't open that door!" But it's not, so please please please open that door! I wanna see what's inside.

.... I just realized I'd die in a horror movie .....

Michael, don't get jealous. I mean he's gotta know there's nothing there (like Kyle is straight straight, so...) so is it just a "Why is he doing stuff with him not me?" Idek what there is to be jealous of tbh. Kyle went to Alex even lmao. They're his letters.

Anyway, he also has no right considering Maria so... lmao. I'm kidding around right now.

You gonna kill your brother? What? Like as if his claim of trying to protect Alex growing up wasn't just laughed away, he them makes it even more obviously wrong by straight away jumping to fratricide. I can't even. Like it just feels ridiculous. Let your brother in without proper clearance, tell him everything, realize he's not supposed to be there, get mad, spew things about childhood, threaten to kill him. Like, it's all just too much. I can't even get the anxious.

! I jumped so bad omg! That alien man scared the shit out of me. Ok. Now what to do with him (maybe them if there's more), cause this is not an ok scenario. But also, what'll happen if they let them out?

There's so many of them! I can't this is not okay. Look at how they're treated? They've been tortured for decades. What'll happen if they just let them out? But you definitely can't leave them there. That's not humane.

Who's this one? Is that gonna be like his mother, or maybe even sister from his life before. Just so you know I will fucking cry.

Ok, they are so badly guarded here. Anyways, I don't like Michael going into a cage. Like at all. That makes me nervous.

N-38. No contact, but they still keep locked up for decades. There's something up with that, obviously. Like that's the point. But I'm just curious what it is. But also, can this lady leave. We need to be alone again

😲😲😲😲😲 HIS DAD! omg, they sent his dad in there! That's why there's the code.

I hope he doesn't get mad at the alien, not that man's fault.

She can take people with her? Or is it just Max

Ok, um, idk what to say. Them being able to murder others to get stronger makes me uneasy. Do I think our aliens will? No. Does it make me feel less comfortable about the other ones? A little. But I won't pass judgement. I'm sure there's other ways. More things at play. For example that healer. We never actually met her, but she spent her life healing, not killing.

I also don't like the poking at Max here. I'm assuming it's cause Max seems the most inclined to violence though. I mean he's thrown many punches throughout the show, he wants Noah dead, and he has a bit of a temper. I think this prodding might just get to him for a while. Isobel too even, since it makes them have to worry about there own tendencies and drives

Oh yeah the creep. Yeah, ok. Hmm. This is very much a concerning conversation that I'm not exactly finding myself enjoying.

Ok, so his brother is being blackmailed, and that threat wasn't to be taken seriously. Thank God, because I didn't.

Fuck the violent nature that is popping up is really not the energy I'm loving. Also, where's Michael? Please tell me he's not still by the cells.

But also, even if violence and murder makes them stronger, even if they have an inclination towards it, they're still innocent. They didn't hurt anyone, and we know they can live normal lives just fine. Even using their powers isn't always bad (the cancer giving one is eh) so yeah. This is still 100% wrong.

Kyle really went on an emotional rollercoaster with his dad this season. I do agree that if his dad did that stuff he deserved what he got, but I also feel really bad that he realizes that. That he needs to come to terms with the awful things his dad did. Still, can't believe there was a point I felt Kyle would betray us and basically be one of these guys. Ha! As if looking at him now

Fuck. Noah, just fucking ahfka ugh! I just want to know what's going on.

Well, they need to get the antidote then.

Or not. Hmm. See I think we're still gonna end up healing him though. Maybe collect some of that powder? So he stays powerless? Idk. This is gonna be messy no matter what.

Ok, so yeah, Max has it. He says it's so Liz isn't technically the killer, but I'm not even entirely convinced he won't use it. I literally have no idea what happening.

Michael. Look, I'm curious, I want to know who she is too. But I am very nervous. Ok powers seem like a really bad idea here.

Yeah, they definitely were. He needs to run. Like get out now. I'm sorry about the woman, and even all the other aliens, they don't deserve this, but that being said, Michael really cannot be caught. I will lose my shit if he is.

Agjshdjsb ok turn to dust hmm. Well, he's not getting caught, but these aliens are all gonna fucking die if they do nothing! But what can they do! Ooh, I think we're gonna end up letting them die. Ah shit ah shit. I am not okay with his one bit. I mean, Alex, get Michael out. Please do, but if all those aliens die he is gonna feel horrible. Oh I don't like this scenario one bit.

Yeah, ok, Max is giving him the antidote. And sorry Jenna, but I'm pretty sure there is no better way.

Jenna! That's so. Hmm. I feel really bad for her. She really is a trooper and an ally. You want a girl like her on your team. I'm gonna miss her if she's actually leaving. Unlike every other person saying they're leaving, this one I believe. But you know, it's probably better for her this way. Not being involved in this stuff.

I'm actually gonna cry over her leaving though. For her nothing good came of all this.

Aw ok great, sure, let's just keep the tears coming (I'm speaking metaphorically, I am teaeing up, but I will not ruin my eyeliner, so the tear are not allowed to fall). Seriously they're going to have to leave the aliens to die, he's so desperate I can't.

Stop Alex. Stop Michael. Stop both of you. I am trying very hard not to ruin my makeup. See you know what. This blog actually makes it worse since instead of just getting through it, I'm prolonging by pausing. Fuck me. Lmao

NOT THE FUCKING ALIEN LADY! BABY MICHAEL! Fuck you! Fuck you for doing this!

I am just sitting here in annoyance at this show. I'm in my school library watching. How dare it make me feel emotions outside of my home.

I am trying so hard not to cry right now it hurts. I think a couple tears did fall, but not enough to ruin my make up. We're fine.

We're not fine. But we'll fake it.

I actually don't know what to say right now.

Ok, Noah's still sick. So no antidote yet. Seriously let him die, I'm over him. Also fuck you, "humans don't have meaning we do" fuck that shit. Who wants to be told what they're meant to do in life. We make our own meaning, so there.

I get worrying about the aliens, but yeah, I think Alex is right. You want some level of justification. People don't like things to happened without reason or meaning. We like to think that we, and the people we look to to tell us what to do are good. But that's not always the cause. Sometimes, often actually, humans commit atrocities in the name of some unknown good cause. It's not there. A lot of what we do and what we see happens for evil. Which isn't what we want, but it's the truth.

Well um, Michael's back. He missed everything with Noah, and something tells me after the day he's been through, he's not gonna be happy about missing this too. Especially since he was the who wanted answers.

Ok, a fight, I don't like this. Not one bit. No no. Michael, I want answers too, but I also kinda want Noah to die.

MAX! Put that gun down!

You guys! What the fuck! Not cool

#roswell new mexico #rnm liveblog