#and a large part of me is worried that it's a ton veneer of happiness that will crack when i ask certain questions | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iantomckay · 6 years

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It me. Ur Secret Santa

A/N: I don’t usually write McPricely so things may seem off and wonky. I apologize

There was a certain peace brought about by the presence of a soft and sunlight streaming gently through the gaps of the curtains. Connor McKinley was awake enough to notice them, to appreciate the sharp contrast between the cold air of the apartment and the warmth that came from being buried under a small mountain of soft blankets. With the muffled sound of Christmas music and the faint smell of breakfast wafted in through the door, Connor had his answer for the lukewarm empty space beside him.

Kevin stood in the kitchen making his usual favorite breakfast, pancakes. He’d said it’d been a sort of tradition for the Prices, having a large family meant food in batches were a logical solution and a time saver. Wearing a dark green Christmas sweater, Kevin looked up upon hearing Connor entering the room.

“Hi sleepy head. I was wondering when you’d get up. I was almost worried you’d sleep through Christmas.” He greeted, flashing that dazzling smile of his. They’d been together for a while now, about a year, in fact. Everytime he smiled, Connor found his heart racing, his face growing warm. He couldn’t help but smile back.

“Well now, I’d say that was a very far fetched worry. You know I’d never miss it. Not when we’ve put in hours of work to make this place look fabulous.” Connor answered, that grin on his face betrayed feelings he’d never tried to hide in the first place.

The apartment wasn’t very big but it was enough for the two of them. Walls were decorated with shiny sheets of paper, small paper snowflakes covered the wall. Lights were strung up along the corridors, some staying lit while others blinked on and off. If there was one thing that Connor had learned during his time as District Leader, it was how to make do with a small budget and even smaller supplies. He beamed at them whenever he walked past.

“Today is going to be perfect, I promise. I already planned out everything we’re going to do today.” Kevin babbled on, while simultaneously tending to the stove. Under the veneer of being a model mormon- neat, polite, good looking and well versed in the Book- Kevin Price was just a big kid who never really stopped dreaming, stopped hoping.

It was one of the things Connor liked about Kevin. Yes, there were the godly good looks that Heavenly Father himself must have crafted, but deep down there was that innocence and drive to do his best that he found appealing. It had been love at first sight for the then love starved Elder McKinley. Yes, he’d admit it now, that he’d fallen head over heels for Kevin simply because he was cute. There had also been the fact that he’d heard great things about Elder Price and the very slight possibility that ‘confused’ to Kevin meant the same ‘confused’ as him.

“You know, most people don’t plan out every minute of their holidays. Most people use the holidays the relax.” Connor pointed out, pretending to gently chastise him. He set the table as Kevin finished his job in the kitchen. Finally setting them down Kevin swatted Connor playfully.

“It’s our first Christmas together. I just wanted it to be perfect.” Kevin explained before digging in.

“Knowing you, I shouldn’t be surprised, should I?” Connor prodded. “I love these pancakes, Kevin. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of your cooking.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing you loving my cooking, either.” Kevin laughed, getting some syrup on his sleeve.

“Kevin-!” Connor pointed out, eyes wide.

Kevin looked down at the now dirtied sleeve. Frantically he started wiping at it with a napkin.

“Kevin you can just get another sweater.” Connor sighed as he started to get up.

“It’s just a little bit of syrup, it’s not that big a problem, Connor. Really, it’s fine.” Kevin responded, as he continued to dab at it.

“It’s going to be sticky the rest of the day.” Connor pointed out, less than happy with the turn of events. It was a small mishap really, but Connor liked to be neat and clean when possible. He’d learned to cope with all the dust getting into the Mission Hut back in the day, but it didn’t mean it didn’t drive him crazy.

“How about I wear one of my Disney sweaters Arnold got me last Christmas?” Kevin asked, ready to compromise.

“Why do I feel like this was on purpose just so you could wear the Mickey Mouse sweater?” Connor asked, leaning back. “Yes, of course. You can wear it. The tree already has a ton of Disney ornaments, I suppose this wouldn’t make a difference.”

It was true, the tree was decked out in mostly disney characters. Between the strings of multicolored lights and a few traditional, plain colored bulbs were an armada of small figurines hanging on the branches of their fake tree. A tiny Aladdin and Jasmine flew on their magic carpet, while Belle and The Beast danced together, holding hands a branch next to them. It was as if the entirety of Disney World had been vomited up on their tree…and Connor didn’t mind. Kevin was more than ecstatic when Connor had finally agreed to let him have that.

Kevin’s eyes lit up and he disappeared to their room. Not five minutes later, he reappeared, donning the red sweater with the cartoon mouse’s face staring at him goofily.

“I’m just letting you know I’m not wearing matching couple sweaters with you.” Connor told him as he took a drink of the coffee Kevin had made. The taste was still something he’d have to get used to but the caffeine did help with the odd sleep pattern he’d developed over the past decade of so of ‘turning it off’.

Kevin sat down, unperturbed by his boyfriend’s refusal to don a Minnie Mouse sweater next to him. “Aw, come on Connor, it wouldn’t be that bad.” He laughed, as he continued eating.

“Why do I get the feeling that’s one the present you got me this year.” Connor asked, shifting in his seat.

Kevin stopped, staring at him. “Did you-?”

Connor cut off Kevin before he could properly ask his question. “I didn’t peak, don’t be silly. I like surprises too you know. In fact, you’re my favorite surprise of all.”

Kevin raised his eyebrow, “Didn’t you know Arnold and I were coming to Uganda before we arrived?”

“Not that, but yes, I did. I think I got the letter about a few weeks before you arrived.” Connor remembered those days. Letters and even more paperwork arriving at his desk. An endless stream of papers that needed to be written and signed and budgets that needed to be allocated filled his days. He’d long since stopped actively taking part in trying to baptize the Ugandans. Their first few attempts had proved fruitless and after becoming District Leader, he’d had a lot less time to do things. Elder Thomas had played his right hand man in helping to run and organize the other Elders when Elder McKinley couldn’t.

Last he’d heard, and he kept in touch with Poptarts and Church who had since moved in together, they had recently visited both Mrs Church and Poptart’s sister at their graves. Connor had invited them over for Christmas but they decided to spend it together, mourning Church’s loss.

“The letter spoke highly of you, it gave us promise that maybe we wouldn’t fail. They really did make you out to be the perfect Mormon.” Connor let out a slight snort. “Imagine my surprise when I thought you might be having the same thoughts and worries that I did. I thought I wouldn’t be alone.” Connor spoke quieter now, looking down and away from Kevin. He knew that Kevin wouldn’t judge him, couldn’t, not when they were together. Still it made him feel…almost sick as he confessed. “As…as selfish as I might have been, I wished that…you were struggling too.” Connor closed his eyes, trying to ignore the queasiness in his stomach as he thought too deeply about the past. He had to keep moving forward, keep looking forward. As long as he had Kevin he would be fine.

He felt Kevin’s arms wrap around him, burying his face in his shoulder. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to think about that anymore. You have me now, and I have you. As long as we have each other, we’ll be fine.”

Connor lifted his head, swallowing hard. He tried to push the past away…the irony was not lost on him. He didn’t need to ruin the day, didn’t want to cry. On Christmas of all days, he shouldn’t be reliving old wounds.

He took Kevin’s hand, giving it a squeeze. If Connor ever needed a stronger reminder of how far they’d come, this was it.

“I’m sorry, it’s Christmas, I shouldn’t…shouldn’t be-”

“It’s ok to be upset. Remember what you said? You weren’t going to turn it off anymore.” Kevin whispered quietly in his ear. The Christmas music had been replaced with the old radio drama of ‘A Christmas Carol’ in the background.

“You’re-you’re right Kevin. I just didn’t mean to ruin your perfect Christmas plans.” Connor opened his eyes again, gazing at the Christmas tree in the corner, the small stash of presents huddled under them, waiting to be opened.

“Did you want to open presents now?” Connor asked, changing the subject. Upon seeing the concern on the other man’s face, he added quickly, “I’m feeling better, Kevin. Really, I am.”

Kevin reluctantly let Connor leave and make his way towards the tree. Picking out one of the presents he handed one to Kevin.

“I don’t remember which one this is, but I think you’re going to like it either way.” Connor said. It was medium sized, white with little red and green hollies peppering it’s shape.

“If it’s from you, then I’m sure I’d love it.” Kevin reassured him before opening his present to reveal a peculiar black package of coffee beans.

“I remember you ranting about how Starbucks doesn’t ‘do coffee right’ so I got you an extra special bag of your favorite beans. I think I got the right ones.” Connor had never gotten a hang of all the coffee lingo, the ‘subtle’ details that went into making the right cup of coffee. It was mind boggling how much Kevin knew now.

Kevin’s face broke out into a huge grin. “I love it, Connor. I can’t wait to try it.” Getting up, he knelt down by the tree and pulled out a pink present. There was no questioning who it was for or from.

A gift basket lay within, sporting some bath bombs, nice smelling soap, stress toys and chocolates. Connor had an idea of what he was looking at. He looked back up at an anxious and expectant Kevin.

“Do you like it? You’ve always been working so hard, I’ve been worried.”

Connor’s chest fluttered. “Is it really that obvious?” He asked, racking his mind to remember if anyone else had noticed it as well.

“We’ve known each other for years now, I think I can tell when you’re feeling stressed.” Kevin laughed, sitting down next to Connor.

“I love it. Really, I do.”

The next few hours went by blissfully as they opened the remainder of their presents, some from their fellow former Elders. Among them were a swiss army knife and a small wooden figure, both sent by George Michaels…the Mormon, not the Musician. Poptarts had sent them some baked goods, which were thankfully still fresh by the time they arrived. The blue cloudless sky faded into orange streaked indigo as Christmas day was turning into Christmas Night.

If every generation had a Christmas tradition, theirs was watching all the Christmas specials, no matter how bad they may be or how many times they’d seen the same specials over the years. Right now they were in the middle of Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer. As if listening to countless variations of the same five or so good Christmas songs weren’t good enough to drill the story of the poor deer into everyone’s mind from the time they were small children.

“My brother Jack loved this movie. Did I ever tell you of the year he was so obsessed with it that we play it all year when he was six?” Kevin told him, stretching as the clock got closer to their usual bedtime. Neither of them had to go back to work until New Years, but they had no intention of staying up until midnight. Besides, the movies would all end when the news came around nine or ten. By then the world would have had their fill of Christmas cheer riding it until New Years where they’d soon return to their ordinary lives and fall back into the routine.

“Does he still listen to Christmas music?” Connor asked, resting his head against Kevin’s shoulder.

“Of course. A true Price never runs from holiday tunes. It’s one of the few times that Dad would let us be…you know, kids.” Despite the cheer in his voice, there was a tinge of sadness in the undertones of it all.

Connor hesitated, knowing they were flirting with a dangerous subject. He’d heard a number of things of Kevin’s childhood and how they shaped him into the person he was today. Kevin had heard his childhood as well, but he wasn’t shaped as much by that as he was by his teen years.

“I believe you told me that before, with Orlando?” Connor reminded him, shifting on their couch. After hearing so much about Orlando, he’d never knew the full story for the longest time. Considering how often Kevin practically dedicated his heart to it and Disney, one would assume that would be the first thing he’d explained.

It was one of the last, one of his most treasured memories. A cornerstone of his whole person.

“Yeah, Orlando. We should go there someday.” Kevin replied, the slight waver in his voice becoming more apparent.

“I’d like that, Kevin. Just you and me. Maybe some of the other Elders. A real family trip to Orlando.” A promise, a thought, a wish- something so faint and translucent formed between them. A plan with no real beginning or end, no meat behind it besides wishful thinking.

Connor could feel his throat tightening up as thoughts of his family- the other McKinleys wafted through his mind. He remembered the smell of his mom’s food. The sounds of the usual Saturdays where his dad and his other brothers would eagerly listen to the radio or if they could, catch a game on the tv. His sister’s squeal of delight whenever Connor would push her on swing, or play tag with her. He wasn’t the youngest, but he was always willing to play with her.

He didn’t want to, but he saw in his mind’s eye, the empty spaces he would have been. The dining table, the couch, the place where his presents would be under the tree. His mind conjured up conversations they were and weren’t having. Conversations without him, conversations of him. Futures where he was lying but they still loved him, wanted him. Cherished him. His parents would beam down in pride when he graduated, when he got his first job. They’d go live their lives but still together, never truly alone.

The warm, hot tears were coming down hard now. He couldn’t fight it, that less than subtle loss that had plagued him-no, them- ever since they decided they wanted to commit, to be willing to throw away everything for the sake of each other. Kevin loved Connor and Connor loved Kevin. Still, the phantom uncertainty of whether they were right in the long run hung around like a fog. Never heavy enough to crush them, for them to move out of way. Never light enough to simply hand wave away. The only path left for them was to go forward, going back was something they could only dream of. Always out of reach, a phantom of their past.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright, Connor. You-you have me. I have you.” Kevin reassured him, his voice thick with his own sorrow. Red, wet eyes with tear trails down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to…wasn’t going to- I just…how do I not think about them? I know I can’t-can’t go back but- they’re my family, Kevin. They’re our families.” The movie on the TV lost it’s realness, mere background noise full of now distant holiday spirit. The reminder that good things happened no matter what, that there was some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. None of it felt real.

Mickey’s big wide eyes stared back at Connor, blank and questioning.

Wiping the tears out of his eyes as well as Connor’s, Kevin drew him close once more. Connor always loved Kevin’s hugs, the warm, sheltering embrace. It felt like confidence, that he’d been right in trusting his feelings, to risk it all for a chance of happiness. True happiness that was what he really wanted. Love, a person he could be open and free with. It was a reassurance that it all mattered in the end, that despite of everything…no, because of everything that he was, that had happened, it was worth it.

“I miss them too, okay? I miss Jack, and Lance and the twins.

And-and life isn’t-isn’t fair. It sucks but in the future…in the future maybe they’ll see that they were wrong. Maybe they won’t, but they say that family isn’t who you’re related to, but who you choose. And I choose you. You chose me. Together we’re going to make it.” Kevin held him tighter if it was possible, as if he were afraid Connor would slip or float away.

That speech, it was something straight out of a Disney or even a cheesy romance film. It was full of sweetness and promises and hope. Comforting words that spoke of a happier future, of hardships and love that would last forever. Was it full of idealism? Yes. Was it realistic? Connor wanted to believe.

So he did.

It was one of their happier moments from when they were together.

#bom secret santa #submission

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