#and another friend who's been utterly ignoring me on purpose for some fucking goddamn reason i don't know why or what i did

[ardate]

.

#just me rambling #badvibe #god. i feel so let down by my friends these days #it's been a billion things piling up for many many weeks #and right now i just got told by a friend with whom I was supposed to go to a convention that she forgot I was coming #so she won't be able to pick me up cuz she's going with her mom instead #we made plans for visiting that city in the morning before going to the convention and all. #i put it down in my agenda and moved plans around to accomodate for it. but she straight up... #entirely forgot i was supposed to be there #she forgot about me #and i'm SO. FUCKING DONE. ABOUT BEING AN AFTERTHOUGHT ALL THE FUCKING TIME #this is just too fucking much. between this and my childhood friend who acts distant w me ever since there was a dumbass quiproquo #where i have to fucking work hard everytime at creating a good atmosphere whenever we see each other cuz she wont put in that effort #and another friend who's been utterly ignoring me on purpose for some fucking goddamn reason i don't know why or what i did #ignoring me or being rude other times #all of those are just examples but its been so many things #i have been. SO fucking patient with everyone. ive helped them so many times too- sometimes to my own loss #i've been so kind and understanding despite my personal struggles - keeping my feelings of anger and injustice at bay #and i get what in response? i'm fucking. forgotten i guess. pushed aside. treated like a nuisance #i feel like its at the point where the closer they are to me the less effort they put in. cuz i'm a given now. they can treat me like shit #they treat strangers better than their close friend cuz they know i'll just take it. or smth. i'm a punching ball for bad moods #i'm done being the understanding one. what about that. what if others were the ones having to come to me and be kind instead #what if i was the one people coddled and offered sympathy to for once in my fucking life #idk. just fucking explode #i feel so disrespected. and uncared for #and so deeply unloved #i'm done. i'm done #the convention thing was just the fucking hammer to break my back after everything #i'm so deeply heartbroken #do i matter to the people i care about

[nectarandhoney]

I get frustrated with you quite often these days It will be almost three months since I’ve last seen you The harm I’ve caused my internal Is ever smarting, stinging, teaching, revealing Is this what a mature relationship is? Constantly hitting walls or tripping over barriers I don’t notice until you complain again? Or until I scream at you to fucking stop And goddamned listen to me? You told me you didn’t want me in your house when I move up there Where am I supposed to go? You scared about what I’ll write of you if we break up Why do you think about us breaking up? If we do, I’d write about the happy and sad Like everyone else who’s disappointed me And those that I’ve disappointed You’ll never hear from me again Because that’s how I cope So what? Nothing will happen to you except hurt feelings and reckless sex Maybe you’ll find a mature woman Who’s bland and submissive but smart and flexible Maybe you’ll find that easy love you wanted Someone who’s everything on paper for you And you’ll forget me I’ll retreat into myself Lose sleep My appetite My glow And I’ll fall in love sometime later on And regret and discard everything you gave me And treat you like dust And let the ache eat my spirit Until I pull myself away Like all the other times Like all the other ‘I love you’s You say you’re not sure about me That you don’t know me as much as you’d like Even though I try to include you, even though I do fall short sometimes When you know I don’t mean harm I mean to ease your stress by shrinking myself from the spaces that make you uneasy I’ve told you everything about everything pretty much Some secrets will never be told unless you marry me Because dating is still dating And that doesn’t warrant complete revelation Because no one will earn all the sap in my veins Unless we can at least exchange names Plain and simple yes Cruel I know But I have my limits You have yours I’ll show you those letters if you’ll have my hand And I know I’m still working on me Trying to minimize my aloof behavior Trying to be open and receptive to your advice You’re wise and you mean well But I’m easily offended and irritated Passive and aggressive Moody Sulking... You outburst You burn brightly I boil and seep into the depths You say you’ll have to get used to me all over again With every visit With every day that passes without physical contact When I’ve told you I could live in your basement and be physically present as soon as you want me to But you know that’s inconvenient for the both of us Utterly challenging And on my side I wonder if you’re going to treat me like a trophy I wonder if you’ll change into a different creature Do I even want to live with you at all if you wouldn’t have me immediately? Do I even want you to spend the night? Do I even want to see you after dark? Will I have to treat you like a visitor too? No key to my dwelling, lest I feel you’ve actually earned my efforts? You carelessly said I can live with a generous friend of yours when I first get up there I don’t want to be someone else’s burden Another talking point in your cluster of executives and managers Their home is not mine I do not know them And quite honestly I don’t want to know too many people in your circle The more you speak of them, the more unwilling I become They know you too well And they know me too little There are parts and people in your life I feel don’t deserve me I know your family doesn’t know I know it’d bring them shame So I know I won’t meet them Until it’s absolutely necessary I do not want to meet your exes or too many of your friends Honestly, besides your closest They seem stuck up Nosy Bland Easily forgettable I will not knowingly share space with them I honestly don’t even want them to hear my voice I feel like they’ll monitor me and us and you and this under a judgmental oculus Trying to see where I’ve messed up Trying to understand what’s so special I don’t care about most of them Because they really don’t matter to me Nor do they care about me I’ve already gotten rid of anyone you know Because I realize they’re not truly there to get to know me I’m not in love with them I chose you Not the hoard you partially disposed of and partially entertain And I know the only reason they’d ever reach out Is because I’m with you And you were there with them first And now they want the pieces to our story Trying to see what you see in me What do you see in me? I don’t want to ask because I want you to tell me In your own time If you have My anger at this distance and your reluctance have made me forget On purpose or in a furious, single motion? I don’t know These feelings make my nose itch And my stomach drop I hate uncertainty I hate the way you feel toward this but in the same heartbeat I understand where you’re coming from We’re only half a year in With a major outburst every month I get a little closer to understanding you But I still remember every time you’ve purposefully made my feelings hurt I remember those insults I remember you injuring me Here and there Trying to make a point I know you remember me cursing at you out of frustration Willing you to tuck your tail and go away So I can wallow in my own personal hell With and without you And telling you to leave if you can’t change your attitude I am water and earth in one spirit I grow steadily impatient I always seek a solution but never know which to take I frustrate myself Outgrowing adolescent moratorium by just a year It hurts my chest Knowing that you’re unsure of things But also knowing that things are unsure We can change our vision with enough convincing But is that blind optimism Or genuine realism? I don’t know I do and don’t care about knowing the answer I’ve been slipping a bit I’m trying not to cling so much Trying not to cry Trying to ignore the itch in my nose when I think of what you’ve negatively said to me in the past Marinating in those words Trying to convert them into fuel You asked the universe to ease you into new love and you got me Will you resent me? Do you resent me? If so, Do I in turn have to resent you? I pray that I never grow these ominous feelings past the edges of my mind That I never water the mysterious texture and scent of this arrangement into a confusing, Shrouded landscape full of hurt and mistrust We are human and creature in the same instant We are In love and clearly lost in this Shifting adjustment We have never had each other And you are interpreting me While I interpret you But I don’t want to step on toes Yet I feel like Bones Egos Hurts Histories Suspicions Must be ripped from the root Exposed immediately Disposed of in a timely manner I don’t know why this love is different But goddamn it’s refreshing and exhausting And I’ve had enough but I want more of you I just want things to settle down and get calm So that we can breathe and be I’m trying I love you I’m sorry I’m not what you asked for But you’re clearly not willing to go I want to meet you half way But you don’t know how that’s to be done And since you don’t know I don’t know And we’ll just have to see When we get there