#and esp the ppl who I've been previously close to who lashed out in anger-

[alastors-wife]

i c.

#its almost 2am n i feel like im abt to have a panky attack LOL #****** rly fucked me up. like more so than i was in the first place #and it really makes me wonder... just how conditional are my relationships with the people around me? #will i be abandoned again? if i were to disagree? if i were to speak up? if i were to be honest and not hide my emotions? #i don't want to have to be afraid of myself and everything i do out of fear that if I'm not perfect I'll lose everything #it isn't fair. this isn't fair. why don't i get to be a person too? #and there's been soooo many times I've been around people who supposedly ''loved'' me #until i showed i was disabled. until i was visibly autistic / went nonverbal / couldn't function from pain or some other disabling thing #yknow...things entirely out of my control & that aren't my fault #or until something harmed me or the people in my community #i always doubt it when ppl say they love me. i never fully believe it. because i know it's temporary #it makes me wonder if they love ME or if they love the part of me that's too afraid to speak up #and too afraid to show when I'm hurt or afraid and too afraid to really be my whole authentic self #this isn't.. about anyone. im just triggered and deeply upset lol #and esp the ppl who I've been previously close to who lashed out in anger- #-or reacted in a defensive or manipulative way when confronted on something shitty they did #or the ppl who refused to talk to me like a normal person. don't...fucking pretend everything is just find and then snap lmao #and then thats what especially scares me #I've made progress. I've started slowly getting better. but i know for a FACT if someone hurt me again i wouldn't do anything #I'd just panic and cry and try to fix a problem that i never even created #i don't know what to do and i just wish someone actually did love me without it being fake and super conditional #abuse tw