#and give me a movie with spider gwen damnit

[robrae-is-forever]

Not going to lie, I am super disappointed with the new Spiderverse movie.

Spoilers btw but I’m just gonna ramble

It’s pretty clear that Sony wanted a trilogy and forced the writing team to stretch the film out into a duology, because this film is fucking bloated with nonsense and time wasting stuff, and that cliffhanger sequel baiting ending left me going, “That’s it?” 

When it slows down to compensate for the script being torn into two movies, it slows down and man you can feel it. It doesn’t slow down for anything important either; I get that the emotional moments need some levity but goddamn they go on for way longer than anything in the first film, and for a lot less important stuff, too. The first film was fast paced and kinetic, and after rewatching today I can say that it was never as dull as this when it slowed down.

Miles feels really generic after “growing up” and accepting his role as Spiderman, and I wasn’t expecting his usual dorkiness to wear off on me so quickly in this film.  He was an awkward teen being forced to fill the large shoes of the hero before him, and the first film didn’t have to play it up to sell his character to us. How can he be as good as Spider-Man when Peter already exists?

With good writing, which the first film had, and this film, whether due to how stretched thin it is or something else, doesn’t have it. Honestly, I really can’t stand how everyone is in love with Miles. Gwen shows up to Miles universe and goes, “It’s always so nice talking to you” and it really bugged me because I’m just like 

“bitch you haven’t talked to him in months, and you barely talked to him in the last film what are you on about”

And then the Peter from the first film shows up with his new daughter and is like “I had her because of you because I thought she’d grow up to be like you because I think you’re cool” and I’m like

“that’s fucking weird, maybe you should let your daughter grow up to be her own person instead of the awkward kid you barely mentored and don’t know anything about at all other than he’s a spiderman”

I don’t know anything about Miles in the comics or in the recent game because I’m a spider enjoyer not a spider fan, but there isn’t enough about Miles for me to like in this new film. He’s upset that he can’t be Spider-Man and himself, which is something Toby Maguire figured out all the way back in the early 00′s, and this film doesn’t do anything new with that plotline.

The first spiderverse film was good because it tread new ground with a well known backstory, about an outcast kid getting powers and learning to use them for good. The addition of a version of a burned out character we know and love, as well as the new spider people helping Miles as a person and fledgling hero, was entertaining. What does he have now that he’s grown up? Not much.

Now he’s just going through Toby’s phase, in a stretched out movie, where everyone loves him and thinks he’s so great despite not having as much of an interesting personality this time around, and also not doing anything important, either. He doesn’t stop the main villain, he just complains a lot that he isn’t getting his way. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still got some good jokes, and I like the Spot and Miguel, but this film was way too long with way too little happening in it. This film also focuses way too much on the side characters instead of on Miles, like it wants Gwen and Spot to be the main character, and as a result it really doesn’t feel like there’s a main character at all.

There are some other stupid things I don’t like, too. Why is there a pregnant black woman riding a motorcycle and fighting? Babies are soft and should not be exposed to battle with superpowered characters, and pregnant women have trouble moving around. Like, seriously. They can have trouble standing up in the later stages of pregnancy, because they can’t rotate and push themselves up because of the baby bump sometimes. So how am I expected to believe that she’s being a super bad ass, even with powers? I don’t know who she is, and I really don’t care. The first film gave us a quick rundown on all the spider people when they showed up, and I don’t know a single thing about this chick. At the very least, she didn’t have to be pregnant, it added nothing to the film while it was in motion and was genuinely distracting.

The whole spider society thing just made me think of the early Rick and Morty seasons with the whole “council of ricks citadel and evil morty” bullshit. I did not go into this wanting to think about that cartoon, and unfortunately it’s all I could think about in the quarter of the movie that it takes up. Try and tell me it doesn’t remind you of it a little bit.

Now, as a big ol shipper who loves well written romances, I can firmly say I’m not buying this “will they won’t they” shit with Miles and Gwen. She had barely warmed up to being Miles’ friend by the end of the last film, and I already outlined why above that I think it’s stupid, but to add to it, all Gwen thinks about is Miles in this film and I’m like “damn bitch have some agency”. They keep trying to insert all these little tidbits to make Miles jealous and whatnot and I’m just sitting here like

“no”

Here are some choice quotes from the first film to remind you of what Gwen thinks of Miles: “You know I’m older than you, right? 15 months older, but that’s pretty significant if you ask me”, “You don’t get to like my haircut”, “I don’t think you know what puberty is”, “Friends”...

Funny lines of dialogue to be sure, but definitely not romantic. Especially not when she lost her version of Peter Parker, then reunites with another one. I’m not saying she had to fall for burnt out Peter, but the fact that the first film did nothing with it, and then this film for the most part just makes her a one note track about Miles, really rubbed me the wrong way. Especially when she points out that nothing good happens to the Gwen’s who fall in love with Spider-Man.

I guess it’s all about expectations, ironically. Miles didn’t know how to step into Spiderman’s suit, and this sequel doesn’t know how to follow up it’s excellent predecessor. It barely has an antagonist, it’s bloated with filler, the dialogue is stupid in many places, and it’s nice visuals aren’t enough to make up for it.

The only thing I personally think will save the third film would be to subvert those expectations. Have Miles turn down/reject Gwen because she lied to him about his dad’s impending death, have him turn away from Peter for being in on it, and have him step into his own shoes.

#across the spiderverse #spiderverse spoilers #and give me a movie with spider gwen damnit #idk why but i'm starting to like her #she has a cool design #it's cool