#and i cant like go to the hospital for an emergency dose bc its a compound medicine and idk what i can do to make it stop myself in the mean

[bunnyb34r]

God I hope my fucking meds get here today I stg

#im in so much fucking pain #i want to stab my spine to paralyze myself so i won't feel this pain anymore. just cut off the major source #my ribcage and back hurt so fucking badly that i cant sleep it fucking hurts to breathe and im feel like i jumped off a building #i called it in LAST Tuesday. been off since last Friday. i wanna fucking die man it's so bad #and i cant like go to the hospital for an emergency dose bc its a compound medicine and idk what i can do to make it stop myself in the mean #time like fuck man #im seriously gonna start bawling if it doesn't come today man like idk what ill do it hurts so bad #like i dont think i can do anything bc the pharmacy would be like sorry we mailed it dont know what to tell you and the post office #would be like youll fucking get it when you get it. order sooner you piece of shit #id call off work but i really dont want to be stuck sitting around in pain all day. at least work will give me something to pass the time #marquilla

[ptsdstarlight]

hey im talking abt my last hospital stay cause im pissed

i cant help but think that i wouldve had a more positive experience w/ my last hospital stay if the staff had been more well-versed w/ bipolar disorder. like had none of them ever heard of a mixed episode? it’s so clear thats what i was experiences, but i didnt know that at the time! i felt like shit on my meds so i did the classic “well i’ll go off them cause then i’ll either become manic or i’ll become depressed enough to actually kill myself” but instead i got some nasty-ass mix of the two. my mood just went between extremes multiple times a day, from pure elation to horrible depression, i gained like 10 new intense interests and couldnt sleep for shit, i was so horrifically uncomfortable 24/7, couldnt concentrate on absolutely anything, and one night i was just like “huh its been a while since i ODd, i wanna feel sick like that again. all our pills are locked up now and my mom found and took the excedrin i had been hiding so i guess the only pills i have are my meds! how many of those should i take? idk, a handful sounds right!” and then i almost died bc my meds were much stronger than excedrin or ibuprofen or shit like that. idk i was taken to the emergency room and all that fun stuff proceeded

anyways, i was forcibly sent to the hospital against my will where they had decided that i was in the middle of a depressive episode and they didnt quite believe that i didnt try to kill myself 

and...that wasnt the case. at all. the questions they asked me i didnt know how to answer. what triggered your depression? what made you decide to hurt yourself like that? whats been going on in your life lately thats been making you feel so bad? like, no, wrong fucking questions! i wasnt depressed! idk, if they gave me therapy treating me like i had just been through a manic ep i think it genuinely wouldve been super helpful!

god, it was the most useless 10 days of my life. they tried to push meds on me and i refused. multiple psychs tried real hard to put me on the meds that i ODd on and i still cant understand why. i had been on them for about a year at that point, they made me feel worse. i ODd on them and the idea of taking them again makes me feel nauseous. the one psych argued w/ me abt how illogical that is. you ever drink a lot of a certain kind of alcoholic drink and then have an awful night of throwing up and feeling miserable? when you smell that drink from then on, it makes you wanna vomit doesnt it? now take a shot of that every night. no, you dont want to, and it doesnt matter that you know that in small doses it’ll be fine. your body tells you no. 

anyways im tired of having the past that i have! i want to go back to when i was just a kid! i hate that my teenage years were filled with self harm, suicide attempts, abuse, hosptial stays, all that shit. i hate it! i want a do-over! i shouldve started going to therapy when i was 10 or 11. when i was 12 im pretty sure i started to have psychosis and my ED really started to get bad and i started to self harm. i was 12...a baby! and the fact that i felt the worst i ever did in my whole life when i was 14-15 then...14 is so little. all i could think about at 14 was how much i wanted to put a bullet in my brain. 

can you believe how fucked up 2015 was for me? started and ended the year with a suicide attempt, and then in 2016 we started and ended the year with a hospital stay!

im so lucky im feeling a lot better now. sure i still wanna die sometimes but it’s so much less severe than it was. i havent cut since the middle of last year. ive only made myself throw up once in months. i havent been having flashbacks or panic attacks often at all. 

im still so scared of going back to the hospital. after my first visit i just had this gut feeling it wouldnt be my last, and i have the same feeling after my second visit. i dont wanna go ever again. i cant tell you how much i dont want to go back. those places are horrible.