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#and i kno if i say im burned out she'll be like u gotta relax more! i told u to relax so we wouldnt b here!
opens-up-4-nobody
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1 year
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#hhhhh 🫠 gotta love when instead of doing literally anything im stuck anxiously vibrating for hours
#like if u just did things. things would get done! thats how this works! wtf r u doing???
#2 manuscripts that r supposed to be done now and 2 applications left to complete
#my mum thinks i should let my boss kno thst my brain is collapsing in on itself and like yea i prob should bc i should apologize for being
#all weird and disorganized. my brain feels so weird. like it takes so so much processing power for me to remember wtf i was doing and what
#i have to do next but like if i tell her it wont really change anything bc its like i have to meet these deadlines either way
#also i have to b careful bc i dont wanna say yea i got horrifically burned out taking measurements but like im sure itll be fine that i
#have to go back to taking measurements in January. like no prob. weve only been building up to it all year
#and i kno if i say im burned out she'll be like u gotta relax more! i told u to relax so we wouldnt b here!
#and then i have to be like no u dont fucking understand that i cant relax. i never relax. my life is a series of tasks and thinking abt
#tasks and worrying forever. if u tell me to relax i will agony spiral for hours not relaxing and not being productive 🙃
#i just need my brain to allow me to focus long enough to get these fucking manuscripts done
#but no my brain is like if u wanna do thing u gotta find the perfect audio but also i cant focus as well with audio but also i cant even
#find the right thing to listen to anyway. and my brain is like u need one device playing media and 1 playing music
#and like no stop. just fucking focus and stop falling apart
#time time time not enough and far too much
#its so weird bc i think im pretty level headed and self aware despite how my brain is sometimes. but it keeps doing this thing where
#like everything gets so distorted and im like jesus its a good thing otherwise pretty grounded
#blah tomorrow well see whst comes outta my mouth when i tslk to my boss
#ugh im so tired whyyyyyyyyy
#i cant even make proper time to draw
#unrelated
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