#and i'm - what. staying at home and making soup? sleeping and failing to buy postcards?

[moinsbienquekaworu]

Also. The weird girl in school feeling of both intense jealousy and violent repulsion towards "normal" girls.

#this post brought to you by: the normaler girls i follow on insta and the stories they post #like these three girls. two of them from the same university as me. the other one also french. all in the same city as me #all exchange students at the same uni in england! #but they're going on day trips to london and living their best year abroad #and i'm - what. staying at home and making soup? sleeping and failing to buy postcards? #the warring impulses of jealousy and repulsion. #because. i want to be normal too. i want my life to be simple and nice and easy. #i want to be a pretty girl who's doing it right. i want to have my life together (somewhat) (for my age and status) #i want girlfriends in the straight way who i can have daytrips with. #i long for the simplicity of asking out cute boys and aesthetic study sessions that actually pay off #i am so blindingly jealous of them. they're so much more normal than me. they're doing Girlhood and Womanhood correctly. #but at the same time i would rather die than change so much i'd be that girl #because i am simply not that person. this is not who i am at my core #i do not want to buy startbucks. i don't want relationship drama. i don't want to put all my personal data on instagram #i do not actually want to force myself to fit into the restrictive mold of what normal and socially acceptable girlhood and womanhood are #so i feel both 1) left behind and inadequate like i'm back in middle school #2) but also at peace with the fact that you can't get along with everyone and i'm old enough to find my people now #i mean my housemates are really cool and i have other friends that are also the kind of nerdy weirdo people i hang out with #AND 3) inadequate for general 'i'm a fucking child' reasons #they're independent. they're spontaneous. they're just doing things. they're on the way to adulthood. they're in their early 20s. #what am i then but a child. i don't go out much i don't drink i have this huge aura of no romance #i need structure and plans and i have a lot of inertia #and i thought the adult thing was going well! i'm feeding myself all on my own! i'm planning my days! #i'm doing laundry and cleaning up messes! look at the adult! #she's not done baking but i was expecting much much worse honestly. i was braced for a total crumble #but no we're good. i felt proud of myself #and here i see people having the normal typical year abroad experience. and i'm not #i'm being childish and i'm wasting money doing the exact same thing i'd be doing at home but in england #anyway. 2:30. sleep time. good night #wow i have a ramble tag now