#and im sitting here like a dumbass third wheeling my sister and her friend | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tamiddyinyourcity · 4 years

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7;00am, I just woke up.

Sunday, September 13th of 2020.

I had a weird dream.

I was friends with that bitch Mari again. We were at the "come to my house despite how much i secretly can hate you" reality present.

And Patrick #2's hot-but-rude crackhead looking brother was there.

Thankfully, Patrick was not.

Not much happened?

Mari was a bitch and stared at her phone while making it obvious she only hung out with me because she had no other plans that day.

Her boyfriend, (which, in this case? My ex regret's ridiculously tall sibling.....what was his name? It was something Catholic. Patrick and.... FRANCIS, yeah. Francis. Good for him. All tall, and shit. Bright ass blue eyes. I don't appreciate how that dream had made me feel.)

Long story short, for some reason, Frankie and Patrick lived out of sight, but only a mere street away from here I lived. Like on the opposite side of the road, but their house luckily didn't face me, but the opposite direction, so very low odds of running into another.

.....

I got friendship cucked? Or is it "relationship cucked" as well? All I know is Mari being a withdrawn dick as I tried making conversation made me fall asleep...... (sleepception, lol,) aaaand eventually the hoe woke me up and went "I'm gonna go to Frankie's house! I'll be back," with an eye roll, and scooted out the door to immediately ditch me for someone else.

Which in real life held accurate. She would do that, if she had any other friends... but she never did. So, she was stuck with me.

(Why do so many women do that with me? For fucks sake, man, women act like I'm the only other girl on the planet and stick around, despite clearly hating being around me as often as they WILLINGLY c h o s e? Fuck that.)

Anyway, long story short, Mari dipped on my ass. Ran outside to go hang out with Frankie, (someone I also must like but not like, according to my subconscious,) aaaand he was bragging about how he bought her some snacks and a bottle of alcohol, her two favorite things. She was jumping for joy.

And.... I was sorta envious of it. Maybe even a little jealous, too.

For, two to three reasons.

Mari is a bitch. A full on bitch, like, one of the rudest people I've met in my lifetime. She's maybe only a single step behind being as rude as my sister is to me, but hey.... she still has a good boyfriend. A sweet guy, does a lot for her.

Frankie looked hot in the dream, not gonna lie. But that also could be my "tamia thinks blue and green eyes immediately makes any half dead gremlin attractive" mindset, and being into mildly grimey dudes, so I mean.... In the great words of my good friends, "That man is repulsive. That man looks like he bathes in hot dog water." And, true. He does. So, maybe halfway horniness, halfway just emotional about being totally cucked by my friend, who ran out mid hangout and openly ignores me, but would immediately skip town on me to go hang with her boo.

....now that I think about it, this happened a few times in real life too. My ex-manager at that underprivileged persons hotel deadass cancelled on our shopping and pedicure hangout, (i like having pamper days man,) and the hoe cancelled LAST SECOND ONLY AS IM ARRIVING, because her simp low standard having ass wanted to go "Heyy! Can we cancel? My crush just said he wants to do doordash and have me help him out! But if you sit in the backseat you can come!!!"

........dumbass.

A huge difference between gossiping and getting to know eachother while someone painfully jabs metal between my toes with me pretending to enjoy it, (sometimes i do, majority i dont but i like the paint and the scrubs and lotions okay??,) versus being third wheel as we help some bum motherfucker knock on doors and hand other people food. That stupid bitch. God, just say you hope he will fuck you again despite being so obvious and fuck off.

......

Plus, Audrey hung out with me, only to deadass call SEVEN OTHER PEOPLE and walk all the way to the other side of the thrift store, and would glare and brush me off if i approached her to happily show her anything.... then wondered why I cried on the way home. (Some people lack common sense. Basic common sense. Don't hang out with people who you hate.)

......

I wanna have better relationships with women in my life, but nooooo, ive gotta be the side character in their story and dismissed at any given time. Fuck. That.

Just.... maaaaan. I'm glad I at least have befriended the women I have online though. We all told eachother how we pamper ourselves on our day off, and a bunch of people messaged me, inspired at the idea of lighting candles, getting pedicures, playing music and taking a nice luxury shower or something. They all thanked me and bragged about how they tried it and felt amazing. So me, at home and covered in sweat with unkempt hair and feeling so atrocious... did it too.

Shaved my legs, lotioned up, scrubbed my body until it squeaked and felt almost mildly sore. Gave my hair a deep wash..... pure heaven.

So far, loving it.

......

Back to the dream.

So, I felt cucked and envious.

I felt like I had no friendships or connection to anyone anymore.

And I felt like I was missing out on love.

So when your terrible best friend runs off with her boyfriend and shows off how in love they very much are in this fictional dream, you can't help but think, "I really want a relationship.... and an actual friend that cares about me."

In dream, I reached for the phone.

My boyfriend was unreachable.

.......

Real life, I did go to sleep bummed.

He didn't message me when he got home, and just.... idk, a little dismissive.

....

7:42am.

It's not a good sign if you feel like you don't have your own relationship..... While being in a relationship, right?

Like, I just feel withdrawn, and a little ignored. There's multiple reasons for that.

He used to be the type to like, blow up my phone despite not dating, and shower me with questions about my life and wanting to constantly know more about me. And we actually went OUT for dates.

And admittedly we got way too used to spending way too much time with eachother. Which is fine, until like, fires happened. Hard to keep the same upbeat energy when you're now trapped indoors as a huge fire forces yall inside due to smoke, the restaurant you wanted to try burns down, and whatnot.

But..... its getting tiresome to be indoors all the time.

Not even just with him. In general.

I'm depressed and hardly feel all that upbeat about being inside these days.

And of course if the only alternative with covid AND fires is to see your boyfriend, which really means he picks you up and either gets too wrapped up in his phone, or he's out the house for many hours at a time as you cohabitate with his very very very unnervingly quiet and odd father and unable to leave his house, then, boredom is prone to come.

I guess I just wish he was paying more attention.......

Hell, I can't talk to him about my creative goals. And he didn't donate to my gofundme, despite making like 2k a week (or sometimes A DAY) and didnt think to donate anything. He laughs at texts on his phone more than he laughs at anything I ever tell or show him.

I'm just really irritable over this.

.........

I almost gave up completely when he didn't wanna help me get my hair done.

With all the other shit + the insane amounts of plan B I've taken, a haircut shouldn't be where the line gets drawn. :)

I just want him to put effort into wooing me.

Or to feel connected with.

I feel so odd........

So, plans:

Have better friendships with people and build some strong support with them in life

Tell your boyfriend what's missing from your relationship and find ways to bond together that dont involve him playing that stupid fucking phone game or dying because of covid or smoke outside

#SoundCloud

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