#and its so cloooose rn but ugh it just feels wishwashy atm

[suckishima]

rrrrrrrrr im so frustrated with my writing. its just been weeks of struggle and whyyyy. idk i think i need to rework or rethink what im going for with this one or something, its like i can feel the threads of the themes i wanna do are sooo close to tying together but it just isnt quite reaching yet and so it reads like a stilted bland mess but the more i stare at it the further away it feels aaah

i know it can get there i kNOW it can, the ending and like aha moment is so cleaaaar that i think its almost too solid and thats why my beginning feels so fucked—like i just keep asking myself 'well if hes gonna get there in chapter 5, whats stopping him from getting there now in chapter 2??' i tHOUGHT i had reasons but now that im there i just keep instinctually writing him to have the connecting/realization moment anyway and like. if that's how it is then what even IS the story??? i need a break

#leaving for my parents for christmas tomorrow and while its always a little lowkey stressful there esp during holidays #itll be nice to at least have a different stress than this one for a few days lmao #mandatory writing break coming at a good time ig #anyway a lot of the real problem is that a big reason i wanted to write this fic is bc i wanted to explore tsukkis mental space during #the ball boy arc bc i feel like its an interesting transitional time for him in terms of like being after his big moment but then #he slightly regresses in that post match bathroom scene until yamaguchi sets him straight and like. i love just how furudate is showing #that growth isnt linear and so i wanna explore how tsukki would feel during the camp (which he didnt seem stoked to go to) #and in contrast with hinata who couldnt go but weasels in anyway and like how does tsukki deal with #that intensity of stupidity and passion in regards to how he feels about his own relationship to volleyball now #like i dont think its a straight line from blocking ushijima -> admitting yeah sometimes volleyball is fun #i think theres some wavering in there and oooo i wanna explore it but FUCK its hard?? #why furudate why does tsukki deny extra practice the first night of rookie camp but accepts the second night?? #i know why he accepts night 2 im excited abt that. i'm big time struggling with pinpointing why he says no night 1 in a way #that doesnt come off like 1 hes fully regressing 2 like im having him say no purely bc thats how it is in canon so magical ~plot reasons~ #truthfully furudates reason is probably just 'was funny to have tsukki and kunimi say no in unison' and it isnt out of character for #tsukki to say no either but i also can feeeel it i can feeel the threads of a solid character developmental reason that will fit with #all the OTHER stuff im also trying to do lmao #i just need to piece it together in the right way in the right order and right emphasis #and its so cloooose rn but ugh it just feels wishwashy atm #and so. i struggle lmao #eesh anyway fun tag rant yay #heres to hoping not thinking about this for a week will help #x #....who wants to take bets on whether ill delete this later lol