#and ive had this acct for like….9 or 10 months is crazy

[diorsbrando]

guys.

we have finally, finallyyy crossed this threshold and ….this is my first real milestone her in tumblr and im so so so so glad and grateful for all of you, all 1,025 of you found my corner of the internet and my thoughts intriguing enough to follow me and keep up with me up until this point 🥺🥺🥺 i was so shocked when i say the number today i didn’t even realize that it passed the 1k point with all these new recent followers ive been getting in the last few days. and really all i can say is thank you💗 so much

i realized that this milestone means a lot to me bc ive never had a 1k+ followers on anything. not any of my ig accts from high school and the recent one i have now, not on twt, not ao3…the only one fr is wp but this is more special to me idk. anyway im rambling but thank you all so so much i love you all, all you need to line up so i can kiss each and every one of your faces. this isn’t a big de compared to my other mor popular mutuals that celebrate 5k or 10k or 13k or whatever the number may be but im still grateful and i hope there’s many more of these to come

#—sosa’s thoughts💭 #sorry im rambling #but yeah my first milestone <3 #during my bday week too🥺 #thank you all again💗 #and ive had this acct for like….9 or 10 months is crazy

[blackvail22]

9/25/23

10:25am -

i just had my first appointment with my new psychiatrist? i think thats the word. i got diagnosed with BED (binge eating disorder), and ive been saying for YEARS that i had it, and no one would help me. its been 9 years since i first went to a doctor and told them about my eating habits; they didnt help me. i had an obvious ed, and im glad im finally getting the help i need.

my relationship with food is severely complicated. im obsessed with my weight and the calories im intaking, but i cant stop... binging. and the fact i have fat on my body makes me want to throw up, nd every time i notice it, it makes me feel like my insides are being scratched over and over. my fear of purging is the only reason i dont...

a month ago, i was talking with my counselor, and she asked me if ive ever been screened for adhd. i told her no, but i can tell her yes!! my new doctor did a screening thing for adhd, and i have it. shes referring me to somewhere to get a more in-depth test to see what type of adhd and the severeity of it.

i told my mom all of this, and she seemed upset. i dont understand? shes been so rude to me lately... i mean, she always is.. but it feels like she changed? shes so bitter, and shes being like homophobic 😭😭 out of nowhere LIKE WHAT PROMPTED U TO BE LIKE THIS? i SWEAR on everything, being a chronic facebook user ruined her. she wasnt like this before facebook LMAOO shes so sad. but, all well!

im going to try my best to clean my room again. i NEED to get my shit together!! its so embarrassing how messy it is. i have to focus on doing it. i have to do it today; i have no choice!!

10:17pm

news flash: i didnt clean my room. whos surprised? im going to try and get it together before i go to bed because i have to... i have or else ill feel like im letting my boyfriend down lol

yk idk why but being friends and flirting w somsone is so much different than dating them. its insane!

i didnt mention this before but im being put on a different medication that targets bed and adhd and it also helps depression. i have to do a bunch of testing before i take it, though, because its a controlled substance

im afraid of facing my past. i know that i was a fucked up kid, but seeing HOW fucked up i am is... terrifying. like i read through a few of my old roblox messages and woah!!! i was living a double life, holy shit! obvi... i used a fake name, fake age, and some of the stories i would tell belonged to my sister. ill forever be regretful for the way i was back then... it makes me think, though... did i ever really change?

i had this girlfriend named .... lets call her juju. she lived on the other side of my country, and we met because we both ran fan accts for a youtuber on insta. i became ... obsessive? quickly. i feel sorry for her, but i was 12 and she was nearly 16, so... she easily couldve cut me off once she found out my age lmao. idk, i kept trying to find ways for her and i to meet in person because i was so excited to meet her online. she broke up with me, and i made another instagram and pretended to be someone else for a while.... aka i catfished her. i didnt show her photos of anyone else, just used the name "katrina" like i used to. i got her to talk abt her exes and then she talked abt how she recently broke up w someone and how crazy they were. i knew then that my behavior wasnt normal. i didnt understand the boundaries i was crossing.

am i all that different now? i used his snap maps to see when he's at his dad and when hes at his moms or at school. when i planned on moving down there, i looked for apartments that were nearby his primary home. i attenpted to make an acct to pretend i was someone else and see if he would lie to me abt info abt his life. i didnt finish it.... i got like the ick from myself and was thinking abt how crazy i was.

i try my best to not be ... stalker-like. i wouldnt follow someone throughout their day to see where they are, who theyre with. i wouldnt use it to harm him, and if he didnt want to see me or talk to me, i wouldnt force him to by showing up to his house or texting him off the number i give to weirdos.

im getting tired. its 10:37p now, and i keep like closing my eyes every once and awhile inbetween sections.

i think the last thing i feel i need to rant abt is how i told my dad i have binge eating disorder and for dinner when i told him i didnt care what he got me, HE GOT ME FOOD FOR A FAMILY OF 4. he looked me in the eyes and said, "two cheeseburgers, 16 chicken nuggets, 10 cheese sticks, and a milkshake incase u get hungry later" when he KNOWS i have a habit of eating a lot of food in one sitting.

i feel gross from how much i ate today, and im still wanting to eat more.

being told "u can reverse everything thats wrong w you if u just lost weight!" and then having those same people ENFORCE ur unhealthy eating habits is insane

like, do u rlly want to help me? or do u want to just berate me for the hell of it?

okie song song time

this song is so ... relateable. typical pop song but its so good 2 me

[xxsiro]

cant sleep nd no one will rlly see it here so

1) 44.3kg / 160 cm

2) i wish i was atleast 165 it would give me a longer torso and legs </3

3) thigh gap arms waist ribs everything

4) ig hair loss? or getting tubed nd binging? i wouldn’t mind passing out or jot gettjng my period idc let me rot to death

5) i could go on about this forever. i want to feel my bones move hnder my skin i want ppl to think she looks deadly i want my bones to hurt i want to look in the mirror and think i am my own thinspo

6) ive been tryjng to stop binging and only binged 2-3 times this month and ik i binge because i lose all control and its the most shitty thing in the world

7) my mom dad and brother have all called me skinny and said i lost a lot of weight. my mom keeps telling me i need to eat more and tells me her seeing me this skinny makes her sad. i dont think they know i have an ed but ig theyre sus? ive always been a normal skinny so its not too consering.

8) god i bearly work out but i try to jump on my trampoline for atleast 5 min. do arm workouts w weights. then sit ups, squats, crunches, russian twists, hip thusts, leg lifts. it depends how im feeling that day and its unsally no more then probably 10 min a day.

9) my mom hugs my waist and tells me there is nothing left of me but thats a compliment to me lol

10) sweets!!! i have such a big sweet tooth and i bake A Lot so its rlly hard to resist

11) kpopthinspo acct on twt just because they put stats sometimes

12) a lot of lettuce and cucumbers but other then that it changes a lot because we eat family meals and its hard to control what im eating that day.

13) fasting binging and eatinf less then 700 cals is not healthy so no

14) 39kgs but i might lower it to 35kgs and hopefully sometime in february

15) i rlly want to go vegiterian so ive been slowly cutting some meat out of my diet. and yes its helped becausebi cab skip meals w the excuse of being vegetarian

16) ive always been self conscious and had a bad relationship w food but i rlly started counting my calories and trying to lose weight around fall

17) not diagnosed but probably ednos if i lose my period i would say ana

18) home cooked meals and sweets

19) i think over two months ago i don’t remember

20) dont have one i just restrict

21) xs-xl ill wear anything

22) at my lowest weight rn

23) troll/gore/sh twt rlly introduced me to thinspo so ya

24) i think all of us r a little pro but its just because we’re so disordered so i dont rlly like them ig?

25) i used to purge like crazy two years ago but i cant rlly anymore. last time i did successfully was in november i just get claustrophobic and cant for some reason :/

26) being so skinny it makes ppl turn heads , feeling light

27) i cook a lot so im pretty good especially when im fasting but when i work (i work at a icecream shop) its terrible because we have so many sweets i usually binge

28) yes bc it looks pretty

29) its non linear nd it rlly depends

#ed vent