#and one of my fellow grad students/TAs and a few of his former profs are so upset about it and like………

[tchaikovskaya]

I could/should elaborate when I’m not falling asleep as I am rn but like. I feel like for the people who you “mourn” who have died young and/or suddenly who you knew only in passing, or only casually interacted with, or were once close to but in the years between then and their death you barely spoke, etc etc etc, you arent actually mourning them or their presence in ur life (and now palpable absence) (supposedly) but just what it means to be a human on earth who has to grapple with inevitable loss and the immense weight of what a Person is and their footprint on everyone they interact with that is fleeting even tho there are several billions of us on the floating rock but none of those billions of lifetimes are ever overlapping 100%…. sigh :/

#context a student who graduated last semester (undergrad) died in a car crash like 500 miles away #and one of my fellow grad students/TAs and a few of his former profs are so upset about it and like……… #u barely knew this kid I mean of course I feel terrible that someone with his life ahead of him was snuffed out in the blink of an eye #but like…….. if u had never found out about this. or if this hadn’t happened and he went on to live a boring long life #he would mean next to nothing to u !!! u would be none the wiser! u would probz not even recognize his name in 10 years! why are u crying!!! #idk I would be less ANNOYED and hashtag BOTHERED by it if the same people didnt say such nasty derogatory shit about their undergrads #like every other time I talk to u about mundane news ur complaining about how ur students are all lazy untalented idiots #but now THIS ONE who was never meaningful to u before THIS GUY is SPECIAL to u…? u mourn him? #2 weeks ago if I showed u his student ID photo u would struggle to remember his name but NOW HE MEANS SOMETHING #NOW THAT HES GONE AND IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER ANYMORE NOW HE MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU #tldr if ur still reading lmao I feel like this stuff is always about yourself and almost never about the dead person #which is valid in its own way I mean I’ve literally cried after passing mangled cars and ambulances with people who defs aren’t gonna surviv #but it’s never been about their life’s overlap with mine and retconning some kind of memorable or emotional significance to it #idk why I’m so emotional about this in like 3 separate directions but it’s just so fucking frustrating !!!!!!! 🥲🤡