#and selfishly if she dies in the next 4 years itll b a real clusterfuck for my life

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#hm. thinking about death and all that #bc the other day my mom texted me and my sisters to say shes added another cancer to her repertoire #shes had smooth muscle cancer for the past maybe 10 years but in the last year shes gotten a lot sicker #idk how long shes been stage 4 but shes got tumors in her liver. bladder. and maybe a kidney. and now shes also got like pre leukemia #she like deff got it from chemo treatment so now shes gotta try to go get a different treatment #but the type of mds she has is more likely to be treatment resistant and advance to acute myloid leukemia #so idk maybe itll go well. right now she still feels okay. but it just feels like the beginning of the end #so death has been on my mind the past few days #i feel mostly fine bc i think my medication is actually working. i just feel like im waiting for the other shoe to drop ya kno #and selfishly if she dies in the next 4 years itll b a real clusterfuck for my life #but i dunno her life has been super unfair and it sucks that she has to go thru all this #also when i was home last her hair looked insane bc she lost most of it but didnt shave what was left so she had new hair growing short #underneath and all i could think when i looked at her was: we r at the end of vanity. bc im a goblin #unrelated