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#and this bleeds into my real life becus i suppose i just don't know how to make someone feel loved like...
silkjade
·
3 months
Text
it’s 3am so please enjoy my favorite painting in the world while i reflect introspectively in the tags thank u ♡
day and the dawnstar by herbert james draper
#— 𝓭𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓬𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓼
#///
#this is meant to be like elevator music for the dash while you scroll past
#……………..
#i love selfshipping it's vry fun but sometimes when i think about it too much or rather when i think about any scenario at all
#i'm always like i want so and so to do this and this and this but when asked what i'd do for them it's like hitting a blank ) :
#and i can’t help but feel as if i’m being…. selfish….
#selfish in the sense that i can so easily accept the love i crave but i don’t know if i'd be able to give the same back?
#and this bleeds into my real life becus i suppose i just don't know how to make someone feel loved like...
#i’m not even half as affectionate irl as i may seem online & i don’t have a cute or particularly loving personality.
#the words i say aren't warm ; ironically they make me sound disingenuous lmao no matter how much i practice my cadence
#& idk why it’s so difficult for me to imagine myself doing like.. domestic things for anyone without cringing at the alien nature of it
#not becus there's something wrong with that but i just can't see ME doing anything like that and i just think 'what is wrong with me' becus
#it's one of the simplest and purest forms of love i think ; \ idk maybe i've just never loved anyone enough like that...
#but then i feel so..bad...because the real me is so apathetic boring cold
#& not to make things sound transactional but why would someone want to stay if what they invest produces lackluster results ?
#like omg ! even i can tell that it's totally unfair i'd feel like a leech
#even in the painting above draper the painter says: 'to faint in the light of the sun she loves / to faint in his light and to die'
#iz so me yearning 'n then dying from yearning becus i don't know how to express it
#like when mitski said '胸がはち切れそうで' 'my chest is about to burst' i felt that
#anyways i suppose this was good to get out before chinese new year lolz
#i hope u did not make it this far honestly anyways i m going to rb a bunch of random stuff to hide this
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