#anyway dreading my next doctor's appt bc i'll have go get weighed and that might be my breaking poing actually

[spoondrifts]

wish there was somewhere i could talk freely about my body image issues without feeling like a waste of space attention seeking lazy fuck

#lol!! #the way i've never voiced it out loud to anyone in my life before and every time i try to i freeze up and literally can't speak #it's bc there's no fun and casual way to say that i want to disappear & never be seen again every time i look at my stomach #whoopsie lol sometimes i wish i had the mental strength to starve myself but then i remember that eating disorders are bad and then hate #myself for that train of thought even occurring to me in the first place #got rly close to developing an ed over the summer and it felt good to indulge the obsessiveness i feel every day but don't act on #i'll preach body neutrality all day long & i believe it wholeheartedly for everyone who isn't me #LOL!!!!! #anyway dreading my next doctor's appt bc i'll have go get weighed and that might be my breaking poing actually #i haven't checked since i was fourteen because it made me spiral so badly #isn't that fun! isn't that cute! i'll literally never say this aloud to anyone in my life #when you undress in front of a mirror and the unspeakable self-loathing hits 🥴 #constantly feeling so physically repulsive that i can't believe anyone would ever be attracted to me despite rampant evidence otherwise #someone literally told me they had a sex dream about me and i'm like haha that's hilarious but be fucking for real #when i don't get physical affection one singular time i instantly wonder if it's because i'm so fat & ugly & monstrous that they can't #stand the thought of touching me #additionally hating myself for lacking the strength of will to exercise consistently on top of all that #can't build habits! what a fun adhd quirk that totally isn't destroying my life at all