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bowl-of-shortness · 3 years

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*Sending this anonymously since I'm not out* (please don't try to out me, I will cry. If you think you might know who I am, pls don't ask if you're right. I have anxiety and I'm scared to share this as is)

So what you said about being asexual and demiromantic and not feeling like you can contribute to conversations, I FELT that.

I feel like the only way to join conversations about attractive people is by lying. I feel so guilty because I have never figured out what else to do. They all just look like people?

I've literally created a checklist in my head of society's standards because I have no idea what else to judge on. Calling everyone beautiful feels so fake but to me they just... are. People are only "ugly" to me when they're mean. Like to me, beauty is based on personality and I dont understand how other people do it. How can you rate a face without a story? (Like I can only do that when I assume things about people's lives based on their looks??? And it's normally wrong assumptions because "don't judge people based off looks alone" is correct??? Yet people just... do this? Like "they're hot" but isn't that what you're not supposed to do, like???)

I recently came out to my best friends as ace, and even then, they still bring it up every time they're rating people or talking attractive characters, as in the "we know you have no opinion or whatever" and I hate it. Like now that they know I'm ace, it feels like they're actively pushing me out of conversations or want to see what an ace rates them as. (They wouldn't if I asked, but it's kinda fun to participate, I feel more normal. Even if I am just lying) I feel a bit uncomfortable rating people because they think it's based of asthetics but to me I'm just making up numbers. (Its less lying now that they know I'm not sexually attracted to people, but it still hurts. It's nice that they recognize I don't relate and I'm not banning a conversation topic, it just hurts and I'll just take it silently instead of making a fuss. I guess this is just what I was just born to endure, huh.)

Literally, people used to ask me if my ex (SO at the time) was cute or whatever and I always said yes. I was making it up because ya know, I didn't feel that way. I had NO sexual attraction to them but I sold that lie to be normal. I finally came to terms with the fact that I am asexual recently, almost a year to the date I broke up with the only SO I ever forced myself to have. (That tale is a tragedy and I have massive amounts of guilt for the lies I told them to sell that I was a normal hetero cis person. I did so much wrong by them and I hope someday I can forgive myself for it.)

I thought I was bi when I first let myself belive I'm not a normal straight because I felt the same level of attraction across the gender spectrum. (I accepted how I felt about the person of the opposite gender was a crush and then realized I felt the same way about someone of the same gender. That was a crisis) Zero equals zero, wasn't really lying.

Anyway, all that to say that:

You are valid and realateable AF. Conversations about attraction is so uncomfortable and isolating and I'm so thankful you're brave enough to bring it up

I'm also really trying to figure out if I'm panromantic, or demiromantic, or whatever and I'm unsure what to do. Why can't there just be an accurate uquiz.... :(

Like, I think I may be demi something because I have literally only ever had "crushes" on my best friends. I'm not 100% sure what a crush is, but I'm assuming that when I tell myself "don't think of your friends like that, that's wierd" that I'm just mad at myself for acquiring a crush on my bestie.

I have no one to talk to about this because they are firm believers in not dating friends (both have been burned) and I am terrified they'll find out that I can't imagine a relationship with anyone other than a best friend. Like what do I do? I'm so tired fam. I don't think they will be mad if I tell them I'm demi romantic (I'm currently going with panromantic since that just seems easier) and I'm scared they'll find out I realized my sexuality through crushed I had on them, since they're opposite genders and I've had the same "crush" on both of them.

Only wanting romance with friends is so hard because to most people, friends aren't for dating but for talking about potential dates and I hate it.

It's nice to know that I'm following a fellow ace person who gets the romantic struggle. I think you're an icon, and I'm glad that you're in a place where you can be out.

I know we're not close or anything, but I'm really happy to know that there's someone else out there who I can relate to when I can't say a word anywhere else. I hate keeping up the charade, but I'm not in the kind of place where I can drop it. If you're interested in my situation and why I'm forever closeted, I've got quite the tale. but I've ranted enough here. (I won't force my life story on you, I know you want a positive blog and this ramble isn't very positive. I can shut up and vanish if you never want to hear from me again)

Thanks for having your anons on <3

I wish I could dm you and just chat (if you were even interested) but I can't (IRL people know my Tumblr and I dont want to make a new one unless it's necessary.) If there's anything you wanna chat about, I hope I stumble across it on my dash. I hope its okay if I hide behind anon asks.

Thanks for representing people like me. Sorry for the ramble, I guess I needed to get more off my mind than I realized. Thanks for being a safe space to vibe for a while. It's nice to be around other, perfectly valid people like me. I look up to you in a sense ♡

(But seriously, if this is too much drama and you don't want me to do this again, you don't even need to post this I won't bother you again without your consent)

I- wow.

That’s really all I can say.

I’m very glad that you feel just as recognized here as an asexual as you should be. And I know what every single one of these struggles is like. Personally, I never Liked to force things onto myself which has been Both a blessing and a curse.

It’s great because I don’t have to deal with a relationship but over time people stop wanting to be around you for it. But eventually, I found a friend group who respected what I did and didn’t want to talk about. And unfortunately even though some people may be nice and friendly to you, that doesn’t mean that you and that person are going to click.

I think you might want to start being more open about not wanting to talk about these things when you’re around them, and if that’s scary and difficult, start small. I get it. But the more you stay quiet and the more morning is going to change.

So yea, I don’t mind the ask! I guess I didn’t even realize that me just openly existing as Aspec was a huge thing to a lot of people, so I’m glad I could help, I hope everything gets better for you anon. Have a lovely day/afternoon/evening 💖💖💖

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masslessobtrusion · 3 years

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This was the last conversation I had with Lauren before she passed away...

It’s unedited besides some names and cities. Lauren It hurts me and stresses me out and triggers me to know you're high right now and I just celebrated my 90 days completely sober from everything yesterday and I want to cry and because of that i can't talk to you for my sake and well-being because this is the first time in my life I have put myself first and I feel great except I'm stressed out now. It's nice to have a sober support group to help, but still ?? Lauren I can't talk to you because I cry and it threatens this great thing I have right now and want to hold on to Ryan I've actually been clean. I'd rather have you as a friend than be high. Lauren That's fucking awesome!! But I need time still and I'm learning patience too Ryan No one talks to me, everyone cancels their plans on me, just because I told them about it. I really need a friend. Lauren It's hard to see you and very confusing and uncomfortable I can't talk to you. Ryan what if I flew you to ****on august 26th. no access to anything and the maywether/McGregor fight is on. the pool is heated, it feels awesome I'll do anything to have you as a friend. Going to home was a nice change in my routine. rollcall is banned forever, markets went down. There's no getting anything. Lauren All I can say is if you want people in your life, open yourself to the idea of AA and get yourself a sponsor and find a way to see what the program is all about past the God stuff. Because what it's really all about is a bunch of fucked up people who have lost everybody and everything getting together and making friends and supporting each other. You will find friends and support through AA. Lauren That's all I have to say. Bye. Ryan Hey, please don't do this. I'm totally good. So many people cut me out of their life. I stopped benzos and kratom is down to one small spoon in the morning. i'm lifting weights. I'm feeling good about uber. Lauren Join AA. Ryan ok Lauren not that you join. Just go. Every day. Ryan if that's what you want me to do to be friends with you. I'll do it. Lauren You will find people. Ryan I don't really want people like that. Just my old friends who don't use. Lauren That's what it will take. AA. Just keep going. Ryan I'm glad it's helping you. It is, right? Lauren More than anything. I have legit friends now and most of all I have support for anything that's bothering me Ryan I figured this would happen. But was hoping that you could not cut me out your life. I won't do anything to hurt you or your sobriety. I promise. Keep me at a distance for a while. But please don't cut me out. Lauren I stay away from guys like they suggest because of 13th stepping Ryan I saw your new fetlife. ?? Lauren AA has changed my life. And no, I don't believe in God. Ryan But I'm glad you're not getting 13th stepped. Lauren I have to until you're completely sober and have a sober support network through either smart recovery, na, or aa Ryan Could you be my support if I need it? I don't care about drugs. I just want a friend to bullshit with. Lauren I can't because men stick with men and women with women for distraction purposes Ryan and you've been my best friend for a long time now. I don't care if you have a boyfriend or you're getting tied up and stuff. Lauren Do AA. You'll meet people and see them everyday at meetings. Its nice Ryan I like you so much. It would be devastating. I'll do it. I have a pinball tournament tonight and am possibly meeting up with arielle, her boyfriend, and ashley. But feel like they'll flake. But I'm still playing pinball. I'll go to a meeting ASAP. I promise. I mean it. Lauren It would seriously be the best thing you ever do. You'll thank me, I promise. But you have to keep going even if you think it's a crock of shit at first. People start off going in pissed off all the time until they start to realize it helps. Ryan I'll probably do NA though. The way you're talking feels like you've be indoctrinated into something that excludes people. I'm glad that you're safe and being healthy though. but i want your friendship. It's pretty much the most meaningful thing to me. and to lose that. I would have nothing. I've been hanging on, waiting for you all of this time. I want to be a positive influence for you Lauren I wouldn't say that. I would say check out both. I've found the people in AA are better but na is more relatable People in na tell more war stories so it might be a better place to start off because you'll have stuff to talk about. Thing is though more people go to meetings high than in aa Ryan I met a new girl too. Nothing serious. But it's a confidence boost. And you're still #1 to me. Lauren All I can tell you is that If you keep going every day you will meet people you can relate to and who will be there for you Ryan actually, I probably won't see her for a long time, because she's moving. okay, I love you though and want you to be my best friend. What's the word? Standard? Just, no matter what. Always be available to me. This attitude that you have is good. You're in control and you set the rules. I'm okay with that. I don't want to be abandoned again. It's the shittiest feeling. and I don't want you to say it's selfish. Lauren I'm available if you get sober because once you're sober, in order to stay sober it's a good idea to avoid people who are using or drinking. It makes sense... Ryan Because you're the only person that really knows me and one of the very few humans that will talk to me. Lauren sober Ryan would be like the Ryan I first met biking... trail running... Ryan I didn't do anything bad. I won't in the future either. Lauren POSITIVE. http://www.*****.org/meetings Meetings | ***** Area of Narcotics Anonymous The 8888Area is part of the *** Region of NA with meetings in ***, Brighton, Longmont, and Louisville, Nederland, and Westminster. ********.org Ryan guhhhh, my cardio sucks, but I've been lifting dumb bells and push ups and I gained some weight. I'm like 155-160 Lauren it sucked when you first started doing it years ago but you got past it and felt great! I remember. You were so confident! it's such a relief to hear you're on the right path Ryan shoulder pain still controls me. Lauren really. Ryan yes. Would you want to go to STL with me next month, get an airbnb? or I could fly out there? Lauren Here. Go to the Longmont one at 7pm tonight while it's still fresh from talking to me http://www.*******.org/meetings/wednsday Ryan and you can see me being healthy and sober. I have plans tonight. Pinball and possibly friends. But definitely pinball. Lauren I'm going to be at the halfway house next month. I'm staying with my uncle until a space is available it's a tournament? Ryan yeah Lauren then go tomorrow http://www.*******.org/meetings/thursday Ryan and i wanted to see if arielle and her bf wanted to get happy hour sushi before. Lauren seriously, ignore everything "god" and just meet people Ryan and ashley said she would hang out and smoke weed with me from a guy she knows that grows and she bought a bunch. but everyone flakes out. Even Robin did for camp dick, planned it 2 weeks ahead. Then he tells me his friend is having a going away party that weekend a few days before. Lauren well I hope everything works out Ryan I'll go tomorrow. Lauren let me know how it goes otherwise don't message me because it'll just make me sad ?? Ryan cool well, not the sad part but yeah, i'll do anything to keep our friendship going. Lauren you're going to meet people. that's what I think is going to be the best and when they ask if anyone's there for the first time... introduce yourself as Ryan and say it's your first na meeting ever Ryan okay thanks for the tips, anything else? Lauren people will come find you and introduce themselves. it's cool how friendly people there are. because they remember what it was like yeah... hang around awkwardly afterwards or bum a cigarette from someone and talk to them if no one comes to you lol Ryan If I do well and meet your expectations, can we hang out? people don't even talk to me at pinball. i hate it. sooooo many times, i start talking to someone and they just start talking to someone else Lauren maybe once you have some clean/sober time under your belt Ryan 15 days so far Lauren that's what's so cool! addicts love to talk to other addicts because they're blacksheep too no alcohol? Ryan i drank at my parents less than they did Lauren dude I found not drinking at all has helped with my mood SO much. just saying for me. Ryan I don't really drink alcohol though. Lauren i know you're going to meet people who are a lot like you I think you'll be surprised Ryan that's a possibility, but really. I'd rather just not have anything drug related in my life. Lauren "hey I'm Ryan. I'm an addict. It's my first time at any kind of meeting like this" Ryan I'm going to check it out though. Lauren thanks Ryan You'll be safe in St. Louis. Lauren it's going to be a while Ryan and we could watch the fights Lauren one step at a time. Ryan well, should I sell my vouchers then? Lauren yeah Ryan :( Lauren or find someone else because i can't go Ryan that was a little dramatic of an emoji Lauren oh lol Ryan but i just wanted a sad face Lauren got it Ryan so, how is fetlife? Lauren I have to go but I'll let you know I just chat with people and still haven't met up with anyone Ryan it kind of worries me. Lauren the tail pic is from my friend Richie who we webcammed with the one time (first kiss/high school friend) it was casual. Ryan doesn't seem like a sober living thing to do. But I suppose it's your rules. Lauren yeah, I'm more looking for a girl Ryan nice want to see the girl I've been hanging out with? Lauren no dude! Ryan ok Lauren hah ouch. talking to you hurts me enough Ryan oh Lauren but anyway I have to go Ryan I didn't mean to do that. I got the feeling that you didn't care. Ok, so, can I still talk to you and stuff. I'm so lonely. Lauren I just can't help but want to help you feel like you used to and find friends shit i'm so fucking up you really can't ?? Ryan I don't want rehab friends. I want hobby friends. Lauren it's part of my treatment plan and stuff that's not even AA related Ryan cool, I like hearing that you have a plan. Lauren yeah. i'm just doing what they tell me because i don't ever want to go back to drinking like i was a couple months ago or shooting dope obviously my decisions don't exactly work so i'm letting them make decisions for me... weird as that sounds. but it's working well so far ?? Ryan then don't talk about it until you're good at it. awesome I just hope you don't get taken advantage of mentally or physically. Lauren nah, i'm still ultimately in control of my life Ryan you're my #1 human. I don't want to lose you. I'll go tomorrow. Let you know about it. Lauren anyway, i can't talk to you for a while. but do the na/aa thing to make sure you stay sober (the counting days part is kind of cool too) and then we'll talk in a couple of months. but go everyday as something to do and a way to socialize and get out of that apartment Ryan a couple of months? why? I would never do that to someone. Lauren because i'm still fresh and easily stressed and because i want to make sure you're committed to this sobreity thing Ryan who is asking for help and it's me Lauren i'm letting you know it's what I feel is best for me it's a couple of months. it's not a couple years. Ryan okay, but I'll support you too. Lauren you can randomly message me with how many days you have Ryan I feel like, just empty. i knew this would happen. Lauren if I don't respond don't think I don't care... know that I'm seriously smiling Ryan my intuition, you know it's legit. Lauren you've got this . Ryan we're no different than the hundreds of stories I've read Lauren now go out and meet people! *hug* Ryan I'm willing to support and help you with whatever you want. Lauren bye Ryan You're giving me a "god bless" like southern women do when they really mean something else. it's not necessary. fuck now I have absolutely zero people who I thought care about me. I've reached out to so many people. This isn't helping anything. If it were, I would tell you. You're super hot too. I don't think you realize how much of a difference that makes. Why not make me go to a reddit meetup or something, maybe I could network instead of focusing on drugs with current and former addicts. I've always disliked other users. You know this. Just bringing up counter arguments. annnnd Ashley just flaked out, didn't see that coming. Arielle flaking out should happen in about an hour. I may go camping by myself, just not ask anyone to go, because they just flake out 9/10 times. Dude, I have no one to talk to. and I want to talk to you. I'm going to go crazy talking to myself, without you responding. Can we set up a schedule to talk? Ryan I'm telling you that this hurts me. It does. I hate being abandoned, not invited and flaked out on more than anything. I feel kind of used too. I was there for you all of this time. All of the phone calls. And then I'm abandoned when I'm doing what I consider good. Those people are going to tell you to tell me to fuck off. That's what makes me think about cults and seperation. It's black and white. And I'm not black and white. so, i'm begging you, whatever is in your head. Just treat me like you used to. Please, I'm desperate as can be. So, can we set a scheduled time, so there isn't random ghostings. annnnnd Arielle just cancelled. Lauren And this is why I fucked up in talking to you. Now I feel guilty and stresses out. Learn patience. Good. Bye. Ryan What did I do? I'm asking for help and friendship. I'm being nice as can be. Am I not? Tell me what I'm doing wrong, so I can learn from mistakes. and im blocked wtf, you really just unfriended me? Lauren? please I would never do this to you. You don't feel like it's wrong at all? i'm just going to cry and remember that everyone treats me like shit. I'm some worthless piece of shit. So I deserve to be treated like one. I would never ever treat you or anyone like this. Lauren I blocked you then realized there was a take a break option then unblocked to do that but realized,you can still message me and now I have to wait 48 hours to block you So please let me take a break! Ryan Don't block me Lauren For my Fucking sobriety This is why they tell me not to talk to you! Ryan why, even think about it. I want you to be sober. I'm being supportive. Lauren I'm stressed as fuck now You're NOT! Ryan Yeah, they do that to everyone. It's like a cult. Like I said earlier. I've read hundreds of stories. But you can make exceptions. If you have a friend in need of help. Lauren You're making me feel guilty and stresses and cry because you're not letting me go for a while Ryan I'm not asking for much. I said I would go to an NA meeting tomorrow. Lauren Just PLEASE stop messaging me For me. Ahhhhhhh! PLEASE. Ryan I just want you to respond or have a certain timeframe of when you can respond to me. Otherwise I get upset. Lauren I. don't. Know. Ryan because I have NO ONE to talk to. absolutely no one. Lauren When you're 90 days clean and sober from everything, ok? Use meetings to help Now please Let me go This is killing me Ryan It doesn't have to be so black and white. I'm on your side and you're treating me like an enemy. I've always been on your side. I want to help you. Lauren Because you're being an enemy to my sobriety and my well being and it's selfish. Ryan I didn't do anything. I sent you pictures of a dog and told you77777 that I'm sober. I was being happy and stuff Lauren Leave me alone!!!!!! Don't talk to me. Ryan ok9 Get some sober time and then talk to me. But don't talk to me now. Thank you Ryan I'm fine and the most sober I've been in a long time. it's not a competition. but i will look elsewhere for friendship, or just cut myself or something. This sucks either way. I'm not going to be your enemy. Because I'm not and never will be. I just lost my best friend of 3-4 years. The closest friend I've ever had.

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