#anyway theres my annual end of finals rant | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thirstiswet · 5 years

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this is my entry for the 25 days of chrismuts (@25daysofchrismuts) that @toxiicpop hosted. i'm sure this is a hot mess and theres for sure grammar errors everywhere but hey i tried. pls be gentle. idk what I'm doing but i did it.

Samoa Joe x OFC (elle)

Office AU! elle and joe often fight in the office. everyone knows its just sexual tension and if they just bang it out they'll be fine. its the christmas party and elle has too much to drink and lets slip what she want joe to do to her. he overhears blah blah blah. the good stuff happens :D

warning, smooty smut, unprotected, light choking, some spanks (lbr its joe)

at least 4k? pls tell me if i spelled something wrong or anythings messed up. also endings are hard so i just stopped

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 23

The brewery was built in one of the old textile factories that used to be all around the city, with a large open room and a heated deck outside. It was the perfect place for the annual Christmas party for W.W.E. Publishing, and as always the company owner Mr. McMahon spared no expense. A band had been set up along one of the walls playing a mixture of Christmas music and pop songs. On the opposite side of the room, a photo booth had been tucked in a corner. The entire building was decked in sparkling lights, little Christmas trees, and strategically placed mistletoe.

Joe sauntered in, dressed in a well-tailored deep green emerald suit, making his way to the bar he heard her laughter over the music and crowd. Searching his colleagues he spotted her; Dressed in a strapless burgundy dress that stopped just short of being indecent. She was walking out of the photo booth with Naomi and Paige, her dark auburn hair cascading down her back, her head tipped back in laughter. His eyes followed them back to the table where Charlotte and Becky sat, their new photos in one hand and drinks in the other.

Joe always appreciated how she looked, despite his teasing. He always found it amusing when he would catch her in the break room climbing the counter just to get her coffee fix.

—

Elle was pulling another late night in the office when she decided to take a break and grab a cup of coffee and a snack. She found herself looking everywhere in the office break room just for the bag of coffee that she just knew was there. Finally finding it all the way on the top shelf, she slipped off her heels and climbed on to the counter.

God I hope no one is still here

There’s a deep chuckle from behind her and she freezes, hand on the bag of coffee.

Oh no.

“Now what are you doing up there princess?” His smooth voice questioned, “You wouldn’t want you to fall now would you?” A shiver went down her spine, she knew if she turned right now he would have a smug look on his face. He knew he had an effect on her, whether it be annoyance or arousal, he liked to push her buttons to find out which.

“Joe, how many times do I have to tell you,” grabbing the coffee she turns around, careful not to slip in her stockings “Don’t call me princess.” He was leaning in the doorway, his hands in his pockets, as his burning gaze slowly followed up and down her stature.

Another shiver runs down her spine.

She doesn’t call him out on it.

She should.

Joe doesn’t respond, just continues to undress her with his eyes. Clutching the bag of coffee she hops down from the counter and puts her heels back on. Walking to the coffee maker Elle hears the ruffle of clothes and she can feel the mans towering presence behind her, his body heat rolling off him, his scent all around her.

“You know Elle,” The way he says her name has her stomach dropping, she wonders how his voice would sound between her thighs. *Excuse me, cut that shit out. Do not think about him like that.* “If you wanted to get my attention, all you had to do was ask. You don’t have to wear such short skirts.”

“You—!” Spinning around she found herself just eye level with his mouth, *To close, to close, to close!* His plump lips still making that stupid smile. “You jerk!” Elle smacks his chest as Joe’s hand comes up and grasps her wrist. His grip is just tight enough to not let her pull away.

“Now princess, it’s not very nice to hit.” Joe rubs his thumb over her pulse point and takes a step closer to her. Essentially pinning her against the counter. “Unless you want to be punished.”

He’s close.

Invading her space.

Her pulse quickens and eyes widen. Warmth spreads right down to her core. The image of her bent over his knee flashes in her mind and she quickly tries not to react to it.

She fails.

Joe definitely notices.

Inhaling, all she can make out is him. His cologne not overbearing but still all around her. She holds her breath, just waiting for whatever comes next.

Joe’s dark eyes have a sparkle to them she’d seen often enough, there’s a want to them. “Hmm—” His tongue runs across his lips and Elle is drawn to them almost compulsorily. They look like they would wreak havoc on her, she wants to let them.

If only a little bit.

Joe gives her a light chuckle, lets go of her wrist and walk out of the break room, she finally lets out the breath she'd been holding. Once he gets to the door, he pauses slightly and throws her a wink over his shoulder.

—

Ordering a beer and walking over to where Jimmy and Jey were talking animatedly to AJ. Joe gives Elle a glance, her face shining brightly as she was talking animatedly to Charlotte.

“What do you mean you haven’t played yet?” Jimmy gasped at AJ, the three were talking about Red Dead Redemption 2, which three of the four men had been playing for the past month, “It’s been out for a while!”

“How could you let this happen, man?” Jey nudged Joe to get his attention, “You’re supposed to keep the old man up to date.”

Joe gave a light chuckle “Oh, you know how it goes,” Not really acknowledging them and taking a sip of his beer “Sometimes things slip by.”

Jey laughed following the man's line of sight “Oh, yeah— I’m sure things just slipped by, seeing how you’re always distracted.”

Joe scuffed at him and rolled his eyes. Finally turning to the group and changing the subject.

—

“Elle, what kind of face are you making?” Charlotte laughs, looking over the pictures of Naomi, Paige, and Elle from the photo booth.

“Oh, you mean this one?” Elle bunches up her nose while crossing her eyes as the girls all burst out in laughter.

They have all gathered around a high table Charlotte, Becky, Paige, Naomi, and Elle Drinking beers and talking about their plans for the next few days.

“I just planned on staying home, eating lots of food and drinking lots of wine, while watching A Christmas Story on repeat,” Elle tells the group. ”I never really make big plans anyway.”

“What about you guys?”

“Elle, why does Joe keep looking over here?” Becky points out. Her eyebrow arched as she nods her head in the direction of the man in question.

Across the room, Elle can see him sitting there nursing a beer casually having a conversation with AJ and the Usos. Every once and while he will look over at her. This time, she was staring back. She’d been caught, he gives a small ever intimidating smile and a wink. She can feel herself react, face flush, she lets out a huff of annoyance and turns back around in her seat.

“I can never get any peace from him. Joe always hassles me.” She sighs, getting up and begins pacing in front of the table, “He’s always tormenting me, making fun of me when I climb on things.” Throwing her hands up in frustration, “I can’t help that I’m short!”

She pauses in her rant and downs the rest of her drink, grabs Charlotte’s and finishes hers as well.

“And—! He always has a comment about my skirts!” Elle ends up flailing her arms in defeat, her face beat red from the alcohol and working herself up, “I can’t do anything without him saying something!”

“He has a comment about her skirts because he wants to get in them”, Naomi says just under her breath.

“What—?”

“Nothing!” Naomi loops her arm through Elle’s and starts walking to the bar, “Let’s get some more drinks!”

—

Later into the evening, Elle and Paige find themselves left at the table as the others go off either dancing or make their way under some mistletoe with their significant other.

Just behind Elle, Paige can see Joe at the other table. She gives him a wink and turns her attention back to the brunette.

Everyone in the office is aware of their sexual tension and there’s an ongoing bet of if they’ll crack before, or after the holiday season. Now, if Paige wants to give her friends a gentle push in the right direction, it is not because she had 50 bucks riding on them. Nope. Not at all.

“Girl, are you ever going to admit you have a thing for him?” Paige pops the question.

“Who?” Elle shifts in her chair to face Paige.

“Joe, of course! You never shut up about him!”

“What?! No—! I don’t talk about him all the time!” Elle tries to protest but knows she’s failing.

Tipsy, feeling good and looking good Elle had all the confidence and none of the filter that sober Elle had.

“He just.. just his face...”

She can feel herself flush, if she wasn’t red already she definitely was now.

“Sometimes I want to punch it,” taking a swig of her beer she sighs in frustration and continues, “And other times I want to sit on it. You know what I mean?”

Paige broke out in laughter, “No— no honey, I don’t know what you mean!”

“Just— have you seen him when the group goes out after work?” Elle closes her eyes “That man looks too good in just a white t-shirt and jeans.” A small smile forms on her face as she pictures him. “Too damn good.”

“And... and just some of the things he’s said to me. It’s not even dirty things!” Elle is to lost in thought, not realizing what she saying, just enjoying the thought of it, “God, his voice, it’s just... just so damn seductive. I want him to tell me all the ways he’s going use me—” Eyes popping open in horror at realizing what she said, “Oh my god, I didn’t just say that!” Dropping her head to her hands in embarrassment, she lets out a defeated sigh.

“Lord honey, you definitely need to get laid!” Paige laughs at her friends’ struggle, reaching out she places a hand on her arm and gives a gentle squeeze. Elle uncovers her face and when she makes eye contact with Paige, the Brit gives her a smile and nods in the direction just behind her.

Turning in her seat, her night changes.

Her eyes go wide and her stomach drops. There’s Joe, just behind her, being as nonchalant as ever at a table with the Usos and Naomi. He seems almost bored. Then he looks up, he makes eye contact with her. And the corner of his mouth turns up into a smirk. Like a predator that’s caught its prey.

Whipping around Elle hisses at Paige “Why the hell didn’t you say he was right there?!”

“What?!” Paige feigns confusion, “I have a vested interest in the matter.” Paige gives her a cheeky smile and finishes off the rest of her drink. “And you just kept on talking. I wasn’t going to interrupt.” She pats her arm and gets up to leave, “Now be safe and have fun girly!” Paige gives her a wink and is gone.

Elle is done for.

—

Elle knew he heard the conversation with Paige. There was nothing she could do about it. In a panic, she got up and left the main room. She’s found herself back by the bathroom and another room that could possibly be a cleaning closet or an office.

Taking deep breaths she paces at the end of the hallway.

Oh, this is not good.

“Oh my god-- Oh my god-- Oh my god,” Elle mumbles to herself, stopping in her tracks she rests her head on the wall. Hoping the coolness will help calm her down. It manages to if only a little bit.

“It’ll be fine. Everything will be fine. Pull yourself together, get your stuff, and go home. Then drink more to forget this happened.” Elle straightens up and collects herself. Turning around she stops. Frozen in her tracks.

Fuck

He’s at the end of the hallway. Just staring at her. Like he wants to devour her. He looks good. He looks damn good. She hadn’t noticed it earlier in the evening, to busy trying to not look at him. She checks him out and sucks in a breath at his heavy gaze when they make eye contact. Warmth travels down her stomach and a feeling settles heavy between her thighs.

Joe starts stalking towards her. One hand in his pocket, he rubs his chin with the other.

“Now, now, now, where do you think you’re going?”

Elle can’t breath— She’s hot— Her heart is pounding— Bad ideas are about to happen.

He’s halfway down the hall. “You can’t just say something like that,”

Five feet

“And then run away.”

Right in front of her

“You shouldn’t make comments like that if you don’t want to suffer the consequences—“ Joe smiles at her, it’s a dangerous smile. There’s a look in his eyes that she can’t describe and she’s not sure she wants to. He takes a step towards her, backing her against the wall.

“Unless—“ Elle sucks in a breath in anticipation. Her body is on fire. He places a hand on the wall just above her head, “You want them.” His other hand gently goes to her waist. There’s a jolt that runs through her body at the contact. It’s not an unpleasant feeling.

“Unless you want to be punished for it. If you want to be put on your knees to suck a cock. Or fucked from behind against a wall. Do you want to be forced to come over and over again?” Elle lets out a small whimper. Yes. Yes, she did want these things. She’s wanted them for a while if she’s being honest with herself.

Leaning in close, his voice just above a whisper, “Would you like me to do those things to you princess?” She could feel his warm breath caress her cheek. The way he says princess has her shuddering where she stands.

He was close, so close, barely touching her.

His hand slid down the wall making her feel more caged in. While his other hand squeezed her hip. She licked her lips and his eyes watched the movement. Undeniable desire now in his eyes.

She could feel the heat radiating off of him.

“Y-Yes.”

“Finally.” He growled out, surging forward and capturing her lips. His kiss was rough, but she gave as good as she got. He bit the bottom of her lip and Elle moaned into his mouth. One of Joe's hands cupped the back of her head, gripping her hair forcing her to tilt her head back. He mouthed over her neck sucking and biting, knowing he would leave a mark. She wanted that brand, she wanted to feel possessed by him, to be consumed by him. Elle clawed at the front of his jacket needing him closer, need him all around her.

They separate. Both trying to catch their breath. Joe, eyes closed, rests his forehead against hers. “Princess,” He sounds out of breath, tormented, like he’s restraining himself, “We should go if we want to continue.”She knows there’s no going back from this. She doesn’t want to, she wants him. In every way.

—

The short car ride to Joe’s place is tense. Like at any moment a match could be set ablaze and they both would be swallowed up by the flames.

His hand stayed possessively on her thigh. The warmth from his touch made her feel both safe, and in danger. Elle clenched her thighs and moved slightly in the seat, trying to find some kind of relief or calm. But the entire situation was not calm. Nothing with Joe is ever calm.

As soon as she steps across the threshold she’s picked up and shoved against the door slamming it shut. His lips are on her collarbone making their way up her neck. Elle grabs the back of his head, gripping his hair and moves him to her mouth. He growls into her kiss at her control. His kiss is rough, desperate, and hungry, and she craved more. One of Joe’s hands moves down her thigh, gripping it tight and pulling her in closer. She could feel the swell of his cock against her and she loves it.

His other hand moves between them, sliding under her dress going straight for her lacy panties. "Hmm, I think someone wanted to get some attention tonight.” She lets out a moan as his hand moves her panties to the side and he finds her clit. His thumb moving in a slow methodical movement, while his finger parts her folds, feeling the wetness, teasing her. It's agonizing. She wants more. She wants this torture. As long as he’s the one doing it.

Joe gives her a fierce kiss, moving down her neck licking and sucking wherever he can, leaving light bite marks on the tops of her breast. He gives one of them a squeeze. The path that his lips made burned, it was like a hot trail going down her body and she never wanted it to end. Continuing his way down he lifts up the front of her dress and mouths over her center.

His teeth latch on to her panties and he’s pulling them down her waist. He slides them off her, and he’s back to leaving love marks on her thighs, “These panties, are mine now,” Looking down at him her eyes heavy with lust, “Joe,” She needs him. Now. She doesn’t want to wait any longer, she can’t, “Please.”

“Well since you begged so nicely.”

He devours her. Messy kisses. Tight grips. The flat of his tongue licks up her folds and rolls around her clit. She can feel him hum gently against her, the vibrations sending a jolt through her body. She grabs his head holding him still against her cunt. He slides a finger into her, thrusting in and out of her, it’s the most pleasurable torture she’s had and she needs more. His finger curls inside her, looking for that sweet spot. Joe runs a hand up the back of her thigh giving her ass a hard smack and he rubs a smoothing circle to easy the pain. Elle jumps at it, pushing Joe’s head closer. The sensations coursing through her are setting her ablaze. She can feel that coil tighten and she knows it won’t take much more to push her over the edge.

“Joe- ohh!” Elle’s voice is shaking, it's needy. Her leg slides up of its own accord, Joe throws it over his shoulder, giving him more leverage and her support. He slides in another finger continuing his messed kiss to her heat. mmmh please don’t...don’t stop. Her toes curl in her heels, and she's a mess of moans and pleas of ‘don’t stop’ and ‘more.’ She’s just *so* close.

“Princess?” Joe hums into her, “I want you to cum for me.” A gasp is heard from above him, he continues to thrust his fingers in and out of her, thumb rubbing faster against her clit, alternating with his tongue.

“Do that,” Tongue twirling, fingers curving inside her hitting her just right- Oh please, “And I’ll fuck you,” The leg over his shoulder begins to shake, he knows she’s close, “Right here.”

“Elle”

That’s what sends her over the edge. The sound of him saying her name between her legs. The low, raspy, needy way he says it. Her entire body is electric, tremors quake through her, the grasp she has on Joe’s head tightens as does his grasp on her.

He eases her down her high. Kissing and nibbling her thigh, he gives her another love bite and comes up and smashes their lips together. She can taste the tanginess of herself and she likes it. She wasn’t expecting that. He pulls away just enough for her to watch him suck off his fingers, that were just in her, into his mouth. It is the hottest thing she has ever seen.

Elle grabs his suit jacket pulls him so they are nose to nose. Heavy breathing peppered his face. She’s needy and desperate and he loves it.

“Joe.” Her body is a hum of energy again. She’s staring at his plump lips wanting them to continue their assault on her body, “Fuck me.”

He happily obliges.

Grabbing her legs, he brings them up to wrap around his hips. A hand roams up her thigh to squeeze her ass, holding her in place, while the other moves up her, sliding between the valley of her breast up to rest at her neck, he gives it a soft squeeze. There’s a breathy noise that come out of her and she needs more. She wants more of more. Ahh!

His cock is throbbing against her and she grinds her wet pussy on him. She needs him. She wants to feel his hot flesh against her. Joe helps her take off his jacket and lets her claw her way under his dress shirt. Fuck He’s an expanse of muscle and strength and beauty. His tan skin glistens with sweat and she wants to leave marks all down his back. She wants to mark him up just as much as he want to do to her. Elle drags her hands down his torso, loving the way his skin jumps at the sensation, dragging her hands lower she unbuttons his pants and goes to cup him through his boxers. He lets out a strangled moan against her neck and his hand tightens around her throat.

He snaps.

He lets go of her throat and moves her hand out of the way, pulling his cock out he rubs it against her lips, spreading her wetness, and without warning pushes into her. Simultaneously, its everything she new it would be and nothing she's ever had before. The feel of him finally in her, that light burn of him stretching her, the feeling of fullness. Her nails scrape down his back as his hips move in and out of her “Joe- fuck!” He chuckles at her breathiness, a hand moves down between them to her clit and she cries out at the feeling.

“Is this what you wanted princess? Did you want me to ruin you? Did you want you to make you mine?” His words were all around her, they seeped into her, she wanted to be possessed by him. Yes. His hips snapped against her harder, she was getting close again. Her head lulled back against the door and at her exposer of her neck he attacked it. Leaving searing bruises all over, she knew there was going to be a mess of purple marks all over her body the next morning and she couldn't wait to find them all.

She rolls her hips and cries out a mumble of curses when he hits that spot inside her. “FUCK princess.” He grunts out as he rocks against her. The hand thats been holding her up comes to wrap around her throat, squeezing, the feeling of tightness bringing her closer, “You feel perfect around me. Will you cum again for me?” He whispers the question in her ear, out of breath, but so damn possessive.

He begins to fuck her harder against the wall. Building up to push her over. His thumb against her clit moving ever so quickly, building the friction, “I want you to cum again for me.” He bites at her ear, the fire inside her growing, she going to burst, “I want you to cum on my dick,” She close. She's so close she can taste it, she needs something, she needs a push. “And then I’m gonna to fill you up.” At that statement, mixed with the feeling of his hand on her throat just enough to where its hard to breath in, she's done, all the sensations tipping her over the edge. She's shaking around him, her walls fluttering on his cock.

“God-”

“Fu-”

He’s kissing her, hips moving erratically, he's lost control. His grip on her throat still present. The after shock of her orgasm sending him into his own. Hips stuttering, a warmth fills up inside her as he grunts out her name. They stay that way for a moment, both leaning into each other, knowing they need to separate and get cleaned up but not wanting to break away.

Realization of what just happened hits her. She should be concerned. She should be in a panic of oh shit that just happened, but she's not.

She’s not.

At least not yet.

#samoa joe #samoa joe fic #25 days of chrismuts #fic #julia tries writing #this was hard and i was struggling #i know i probably wrote him ooc but like this is also my first long af fic

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sleepychai · 7 years

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Vent

so this will be new and something you dont normally see on blogs but i really just need to get this out to someone other than my family, my friends and my school counsellor.

i’ve been pushing these feelings of neglect, anger, sadness, guilt and all of that down for so long. i’ve been refusing myself from even feeling like this because i feel like i dont deserve it but it’s slowly killing me and someday i’m nt sure if i’ll be able to stop myself. so i am writing this here in case i do take it too far.

i have been through a lot recently, and a lot through my past. i cant go through one day without contemplating whether i deserve a happy life or not.

theres a lot to read because theres a lot to my life so if you dont want to read about my rant or you dont want me to ruin your day, than scroll down and continue with whatever the fuck youre doing.

so i need to clarify a few things before i get into details.

my family isnt a healthy one, theres no question about it. my parents aren’t married and never were. they despise each other yet still had three kids, me being the oldest. they hate each other so much that they get verbally and on minor counts physically abusive towards each other if left alone for too long. my dad has met and married a woman named sue then proceeded to have two more kids with her making me the oldest out of five. my mum has also met a man named brad more on his shit later.

life has never been easy on my, even when i was born. i was born as a mistake that my dad never gave permission for. my mum deliberately lied to my dad so she could get pregnant. then when i was actually born, i got passed on to my nan (my mums mum) for the first two years of my life because my parents were incapable of taking care of me.

my mum was sixteen when i was born and my dad was 18-19, both dropped out mid-way of high school. my mum refused to work at all which forced my dad to take on 3 jobs just to cover the necessities.

when my parents finally decided to take me back, it went ok. i moved up to queensland for a bit and had a nice time for a bit, until my mum burnt her hand in the toaster and we had to move back down to melbourne because there were better doctors down there. many fights ha occurred during that time and my brother was born around that time as well. he also got diagnosed with autism which only shattered our family more.

so by the time we moved back down, things were going okay-ish. i attended a good school there, i had lots of friends, i was getting good grades even advancing a bit. but as my sister came into this world, life took another turn for hell. my dad wanted all three of us kids because he believed that he could provided more for us but my mum refused and threw a knife at my dad. my dad left that day and never moved back in but still kept in touch with us whenever he could. my mum moved in with my nan which already had my two uncles living there already so it was a very packed house. i moved schools which was very hard for me because i tended to move schools a lot.

there i met many friends and even had a relationship with someone. i dont want to go to details with this because i told someone once and they bullied me for it.

so a year went on with nothing bad going on but then life once again decided to pay a visit. in year 5, i moved houses once again and had a park across the street, there i met a girl and became friends with her and had a good relationship with her. her name is brodie and we were bffs back then. but it wasnt for good. we had a lot of fights between us to the point where our parents had to get involved. but then after a few days we became friends again and met a few other people and became friends with them

throughout the two years we had a few other fights and she exploited all the secrets i had told her, secrets that i wished to keep but never did. she and her friends bullied me and sent threats to me in so many ways it nearly made me want to kill myself. at that point of time i didnt know what suicide was or what cutting was but i ha thoughts of knifes often that it scared me. i never told my parents anything but they knew about the fight. for two whole months i was stuck in my house because i was too scared to go outside, afraid that the kids would show up and bully me again. it wasnt until she said sorry at school that i was stupid enough to trust her again. we ended up having another fight then went back to being friends. after our year 6 graduation we had another fight. this fight was my fault. most people wouldnt put it that way because it was really my fault but the fight was about me. my parents agreed that it’d be better if i move out of my mums house and move in with my dad, away from all the bad shit and into a better neighbourhood, a new life as some might say. and with that move i was going to over moving to a girls school. brodie is a huge homophobic and once she heard the news about my school, she and her friends started calling me lesbain and a bitch just for going to an all girls school. when i left that place, i left the memories there. or so i thought

around this time is also the time when my dad met my soon to be step mum from his work so i was slowly getting to know her then as well. my grand nan also was moving away to tasmania so i wouldnt get to see her as often as i did. i’ve always had a good relationship with my nan and grand nan mainly because i got spoilt and lived with them for the first two years of my life. my mum was also really lazy and barely left the couch. if she did, it would be to go grocery shopping or to make us dinner. also me and my mum suffered from epilepsy but she was worse then me but i still had to take medicine everyday and she had to take six. because of her severe seizures she sometimes had if she forgot to take her medication, she was exempt from obtaining her license unless she was seizure free for two years, and she didnt get her license until a few months before my graduation. the end of year 6 was also the time my mum met her dick shit of a boyfriend.

now i am not going to lie here, he was an absolute prick. he also had two kids with an abusive relationship with his partner, but all he fucking cared about was fucking my mum and playing his fucking car games. he even updated his game using our internet which was already going at the speed of a fucking snail. he practically lived with us then and i caught them in the living room once. IN TH FUCKING LIVING ROOM. i never sat on that couch again and that experience had scarred me terribly.

anyway so i moved in with my dad and step mum sue in a small house and attended the girls school that we appeared to be just out of the zone for but still got me in. i didnt have any friends at that stage but everything was going okay there, apart from the homework. a fews months later in year seven, dad and sue got married. a couple more months after that sue was announced pregnant with my half sister. life took another turn after that. we had to start searching for a new home because we only had two bedrooms an i was already having to share my room once a fortnight with my siblings.

money wasnt easy on us. but to be fair we did go on our annual camping trips and went up to noosa once for a vacation so we had our good times as well as the bad. during year 7 i was also grounded a lot because im me.

anyway when we moved to our current house, things were going down hill a lot

money became s big issue with the whole new renovations being done to the house, my sister being admitted to the hospital multiple times for her ears, my schooling not doing to well. the only good thing is that I finally made a group of friends that I still am very great friends with today.

so after that fiasco died down, things started returning to normal, at least for this side of the family.

my mum eventually moved with with dick milk and her relationship with him continued to progress even though it shouldn’t have. She finally got a job by then, a very low income job. i had a lot of fights with my mum then and it didn’t help with dick milk getting in the way. a couple months went on when shit started hitting the fan again. a tree had fallen on top of the house which luckily didn’t damage anything, dads shoulder fucked itself which made sue have the pressure of more work but she didn’t have to do much considering my dads low income and her very high income. it still gave her a lot of pressure. When my dad finally got back to work it started getting a little bit better.

By this time I was introduced to anime and fanfiction and Tumblr and all that. Anime and fanfic seemed to be my getaway from life as the months continued on.

Last year sue announced that she was pregnant once again. I didn’t believe it at first but as it hit the eight month mark I finally had to come to belief of it. When he was born, my life changed forever, and not for the good.

This leads to the current problems. Being the oldest out of five is really something that puts a huge weight on your shoulders especially since your parents are continuously fighting for one child custody and you being the one that represents the one potentially good side.

Ok so my dad wants custody for my sister when she hits high school but my mum is refusing it. Because I live with my dad, it’s up to me to represent him because in the end he is better for her. But me and my dad haven’t been in good terms lately. Also because my dad and I aren’t doing to well with our relationship, my mum has started showing me love and care something that she usually lacks of.

Anyway, so that’s leaving me confused because I have no idea where I am in the world. And my schooling isn’t doing to well either because I’m pretty much failing every class. So right now I’m just a confused fucked up being. I’m questioning a lot of things lately. I don’t know my sexuality. I don’t know where I belong in the world. I don’t know whether I belong in this world. I don’t know if I deserve to be in this world. I’m feeling neglected upon my family and some of my friends. I feel lost and hopeless. I feel guilty because I know that all my problems are some form or another my fault. I feel upset because I hardly ever get the attention I want. I haven’t had the affectionate attention for ages, I haven’t had the living care of affection from my family for months now.

Being the oldest out of five isn’t always a happy thing to reflect on. i crave for the affectionate attention that i have been neglected of. Sure call me an attention whore, call me a slut, a bitch, an asshole, a fucking selfish bitch. I’ve heard it all from myself and my family. I feel like a huge burden to my family and even question my place in it.

I have even gone as far as to violently scratch myself. And you know what’s worse? I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed bringing myself pain and that scares me. I don’t want to think these things but I have no other choice to. Writing seems to be my break from everything, it’s my freedom and I’m often ripped away from that freedom. I’m a narcissist and there’s nothing that will change that and now you know why.

I just needed to get this out to someone other than the people I know. If you made it this far, thank you for continuing this rant and I’m sorry if I wasted ur time. i just wanted to tell you that even if your life may suck a little bit right now, stop and consider the rest of the people, im not saying to just consider my life story, im not the only one in the world with many problems. im saying that even if you seem to have one big problem, take a step back and appreciate what you have, i dont have much to appreciate but dont let the small things bring you down. ive been unfortunate to let them get to me, but dont let them get to you. please

thats it for now, if you dont want to read my vents and rants, them skip them, theres probably going to be a lot more in the future.

#shadow rant #shadow shut up #shadow issues #shadow vent #shadow the narcissist

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