#anyways I’m literally less than five seconds my heartbeat shot up to 144 bpm so. fun <3 my lucky number 44 wouldn’t have it any other way

[peapod20001]

I wonder how many times I’ve googled whether I’m having a panic attack or an anxiety attack...

#vent #hohohahhaoho anyways #I am sooooo bad responding to things.... #anyways I’m literally less than five seconds my heartbeat shot up to 144 bpm so. fun <3 my lucky number 44 wouldn’t have it any other way #anyways I need to cry but I can’t cry so you understand. I’m pacing my room and standing with locked knees #and trying not to fumble or bump into things while makin my sister a snack while smilin and being normal <3 #do u understand. ough what is with TODAY whhhhh. is it the aderall?? did the adderall fuck me up today?? or ?? wha?? #oghghgg why am I so sweaty JUST in my pits like that’s the WORST spot to be sweaty in #kitty is here <3 she can sense when I’m crazy 🤪🤪 #I’m at 160 now <3 ogohohoo ahhhhh I can’t lay down right like that the one thing you shouldn’t do with a fast heart rate #hoho anyways the crippling fear of not being who I need to be for the people I need in order to be #sounds chaotic and strange cus of phrasing but. you understand #anyways my heart doesn’t even get like this when I’m like. performing a full page monologue in front of my peers #I can pretend to be a cat for a minute and a half and tell the dog to stay in their place and not get into mine #uhmmm yea idk I want people to feel comfortable being serious around me and prove I’m the friend to go to for things or be the one who under #understands. but I always feel like. a pariah. is that the word? idk. when I feel confronted with things all I can do is like. run away. cry #suffer alone cus it’s what I deserve. yeaaaa I’m going insane can you tell I think this is the first time since like. February where I feeL #SO bad ugh idk what. I did this to myself the fuck?? haha. hope it doesn’t stress me to hair loss and skin picking and disorderd eating and #bad (or should I say worse HA) sleep habits. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm sorry my problems are minuscule to others and I haven’t had a day of #any real discrimination or struggle in my life #i have everything I need. all I have to worry about is doing class work and attending lectures and watching plays. I don’t have to get thing #a myself or worry about food or a place to live. wooofff uhmmm. I wish I had someone here to squeeze me until I don’t feel like crying any #more. oh I feel so bad what the hell. and my nail is breaking ahahaha imagine. a life where my biggest problem I have to face is #a nail breaking mhmhmhaha #haha when you hold in your tears so hard your nose drenches your chin. sorry that’s gross ahaha idk what I’m doing flooding your dash with. #whatever this is. I’ll try to stop now. sorry